I smoothed one of my feet over the other.  The warm grains of sand sealed the cracks between my toes.   The wind threw my hair against my face and deflected off my sunglasses.  I pushed it out of the way and looked up to the ocean to see four of the most important people in my life relentlessly teasing each other and my girlfriend seemed to be getting the worst of it. 

Yoona was holding her arms back while Yuri splashed her.  I smiled.  I could hear her screaming over the loud tide.   It wasn’t until Hyoyeon intervened and took Yoona down that she broke free. 

Like children.

They didn’t have a care in the world.  They were like fully grown adults finally having the childhood they never got to experience.  It warmed my heart to see them play. 

“I’m so glad I’m not out there.” I heard Jessica say beside me. 

“I bet you’d be a prime target.” I said honestly.

I saw Tiffany stand up and start walking towards us out of the water.  In her red bikini it seemed like everything else started moving in slow motion.  She was completely soaked through and with the angle the sun was setting, I could see light reflect off of her stomach.  The sight of her body nearly had the ability to stop my heart.  I noticed when she walked her hip bones would alternate in poking out slightly with every step.  I could feel my mouth starting to dry in the wind. 

“Help me!” She yelled towards us.  It was the wrong thing to do.  It only alerted Hyoyeon of her attempted escape.  She was pulled back in and immediately thrown off her feet.

I grinned.

Jessica pushed my shoulder.

“Shouldn’t you go save your woman?”

“That looks like suicide.” I pointed.

“She looks very nice in her bikini, huh?” Sica pushed on.

I didn’t think ‘nice’ was a good enough word.

“Fany-ah always looks amazing.” I said safely.

Jessica’s mouth became a line.

“You know if I was in on privileged information, I’d say she was trying to get your attention.” She said.

I looked sideways at Sica.  “And, are you in on said privileged information?”

“I bet if you went out there the others would leave you alone.”  Jessica completely ignored my question, biting her lip and giving her least convincing smile.

It’s a lure.  But why would Tiffany go through all this trouble?  She should know by now she always has my attention.

I tilted my sunglasses down and stared at Jessica accusingly.  She stared back at me just as frankly. 

“You don’t get it, do you?”  Jessica asked.

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

Jessica sighed and flicked my forehead with her finger.  I narrowed my eyes.

“Your ‘att-en-tion’.”  She repeated, pronouncing the word oddly.  This must be an American thing.

I shook my head dumbly.

“We’re on a private beach in Australia, and you don’t think you can see any romantic possibilities in that…?” Jessica asked me, exasperated.

I did, if we were alone.  Private beach or not, there was still ten of us including our manager.  I glanced over my shoulder to see him and the other girls’ barbequing near the house.  This whole thing was a surprise gift from the president.  We were in Australia to perform at a festival when we received word that ‘M Countdown’ would be replaying an old special episode this week and we had an extra day before we had to return to Korea.  The President rented this house for us to stay for an extra day, in appreciation for our successful album sales I assumed…

Jessica clapped her hands in front of my face.  I flinched.  “Focus!”

I frowned.

“We would give you space, you know…”  She said. “We know you never get time... Uhh,  To each other... If you know what I mean…”

Oh!

I felt my face burn and immediately looked away.

“It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, silly.  I think you guys are adorable and everyone gets to that point in the relationship…”

I stared straight ahead trying to zone her out. I wasn’t sure Jessica was the one I wanted to be having this conversation with.  And then something of more concern came to mind.

“Did... she tell you to do this?” I asked warily.

Jessica’s eyes grew.  “Um, not exactly. She doesn’t know... I mean.  Don’t tell her I told you anything…”

“But she talked to you about this, huh?” I said glumly.

Jessica looked concerned.

“Is she not happy…?”  I asked.

“No!” Jessica flailed her arms in the air.  “She’s very, very happy with you!  I think she just wants to take it to the next level…”

I stared out at the girls again. Tiffany looked like she was starting to get annoyed with the others.  She was already looking at me and stood up tall out of the water when she saw I was looking to wave at me. 

What’s there to really be afraid of?  If I was lacking in a certain area in our relationship I would fix it immediately.  I would never do wrong by my Fany, even if it meant giving myself to someone for the first time.  She was the one; I knew that in my heart.

I stood up and started ing my cut off jeans.  I don’t really know where I got the courage from but it carried me.  I pulled my hair back and set my sunglasses on my chair.  As I turned for the ocean I felt Jessica slap my and heard her giggle.   I turned around briefly to draw my thumb across my throat and point at her. 

Tiffany walked out to meet me halfway grinning behind her hidden eyes. 

“Is it cold?” I asked, folding my arms over my stomach.  It was hard to be confident with her so close.  This is easily the most intimidating I’ve ever seen her.  She took my hands and pulled them around her shoulders, pulling me into a tight hug.

“Wow.” I shrunk away.  “I guess it is.”  Her body was cold, but I wasn’t sure if that was the reason I recoiled.  Her bare stomach against mine… just… indescribable.

“It’s not bad.” She said, pouting.  “You get used to it really fast.”

“I don’t really know if I want to get my hair wet.” I invented wildly on the spot.

Stop being a coward…

“We don’t have go under.  Just join me, it’s really nice.”  She gave me that puppy dog look.  How could I resist that?

“Alright.” I said grinning.  Ironically, but not really, when we started walking in, the other girls were getting out, much like Jessica predicted.  Hyoyeon made to splash at me but Tiffany stood in front of me and threatened her.   

Chivalrous Fany.  Too cute.

“Is dinner ready?” Yoona asked in passing.

“Shouldn’t be long now.” I said. 

Yoona was biting on her lip.  She had this way of doing that and it makes her look like a mischievous child.  She glanced between me and Tiffany before being pulled off by Yuri.  I glared at her.

“It’s so nice here.” Tiffany pulled my attention back.

“Very beautiful country.” I said, my feet barely touching the bottom at this point.  “Fany-ah, too deep.” I said chuckling.  I had to start treading water.

She turned and said under her husky laugh.  “I forgot you were shorter.”

She put her hands on my hips in order to hold me, so I would stop treading.  After talking myself into it, I wrapped my legs around her waist in order to make it easier for her.  She was definitely right about the water, it might still be cold but I felt warmer.

“I’ve always wanted to escape to someplace like this with you. “ She said softly.

I stared into her face not feeling any apprehension anymore.  It was one thing talking about it with other girls, but when I looked into Tiffany’s face I could only see overwhelming love and attentiveness.  She always knew what to say to take my breath away. 

“Then I’m very glad to be sharing this with you.” I said after a while.  A swell passed through us then, pushing her into me.  The gap between our bodies closed and I felt her against me once more. It made me laugh to see we both had the same shy reaction, looking off into different directions. 

When she heard me laughing she looked back to me and started laughing too.  It was silly to be like this around each other, but we were obviously having the same thoughts about it. 

I saw the look in her eyes and I knew what it meant.  I needed to take more initiative with her.  I needed to be forthright and show her exactly how I felt.  I wanted her to know that I was on the same page with her.  Before she could kiss me, I threw myself at her.  Using my hands behind her neck I pulled myself up to be taller than her and kissed her with everything I’ve ever felt for her.  I tried so hard to put so much meaning into this kiss. 

I think I might have taken her by surprise.  When another swell hit us it nearly toppled us over, but she held me even closer after regaining her balance.  Once again our bodies rolled with the rhythm of the tide and something took over me… I didn’t feel close enough.  I wanted to feel her hold me tighter.  I wanted to feel her kiss me deeper.   I needed it.  I needed her touch.  I don’t recall ever wanting somebody so badly before in my life.

When I heard an audible gasp a shockwave of pleasure ran through my body.   It took me a few minutes to realize that the gasp had escaped from me.  It woke up my better judgment and I roughly dragged my lips away from hers.  She stared at me, wide eyed and breathing heavy.  Every emotion I felt I could see on her face.  The sky was darkening, and I turned around to look at the house only to be shocked to see how far down the coast line we drifted.

“We need to get back.” I said shortly, taking control of my legs once more.  She eyed me warily but I turned to go slightly panicked.  I held her hand and pulled her along behind me. 

“Tae...” she said when we reached land again.

I struggled on my own two feet, having not used my legs in so long it felt strange to be land again and not being pushed in pulled by the tide.  Once again, she kept me anchored.

“Can… we finish that later?” She asked softly.

I pursed my lips for a moment thinking, I could still taste her on them. 

“I think we’ll have to.” I nodded.  “It’s uh.  Pretty… necessary.”  I said, smiling at my own dorky conclusion.

She held my hand tighter.  I could see the excitement behind her eyes.

“There they are.” I heard a voice say as we approached the porch.

We emerged wrapped in towels and immediately headed for the food.  I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I smelt it.  I devoured it in no time and tried my hardest not to pay any attention to anybody else, because everyone seemed to have their eyes on me, Jessica being the most obvious.  I turned my attention instead to the sound of the tide in the distance.  It had gotten so dark now that I could hardly see the whitecaps of the waves crashing on the land.

I see and identify our manager out somewhere in between the water and the house carefully arranging giant pieces of wood.

“What’s he doing?” I asked.

Everyone looked at one another, smiling.

“I had a good idea Unnie.” Yoona said.

That can never be a good sign of things to come.

“We’re going to have a bonfire.”

“Really?” I asked with interest.  I’d never actually been to one of those before.

“Yes!” Sunny said.  “Since it’s so nice out here tonight there’s no real reason to be inside…”

Jessica coughed and covered , eyeing Sunny.

“It’s so beautiful; I could even sleep out here.” Yuri said.  Yoona snorted.

I understood it now and glanced at Tiffany who was concentrating on staring on her plate.  We were being bought time again.  The girls’ never ceased to amaze me. Only in a bizarre lifestyle like this would arrangements have to be made in advance to even have a life.  I turned red nonetheless.

“It’s ready.”  Our manager said upon returning. 

I quickly scooped the last few bits food into my mouth and stood up clapping.

“Yes!” I said enthusiastically, acting as though as I didn’t realize what they were doing.  “Who’s going to light it?”

Hyoyeon wrapped an arm around me as we walked collectively towards the wood and said pretty loudly, “Give someone else a chance won’t you?  I heard you’re already going to be burning the house down tonight.”

Embarrassing.  I glanced at Tiffany again to see her silently walking and watching her feet.

“Yah!” I heard from behind me.

Jessica sprinted full speed into Hyoyeon’s back.  Hyoyeon ended up flat on her face.  I narrowly avoided being dragged down with her.  Everyone was laughing.

Jessica hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek before speeding off, being chased by Hyoyeon. 

“Are you okay?” I whispered to Tiffany.

She nodded. “I just don’t want them embarrassing you.”

I grinned, “Don’t worry about me or what they say.”

She still looked uncertain.  I nudged her. “Okay?”

She smiled.  I offered an arm to her and she took it.  We found a log to ourselves around the structure.  We ended up holding hands in the pocket of my hoodie; head to head we leaned on one another and watched the fire come to life with an audible whoosh.  The girls’ cheered and many conversations broke out.  Seohyun had brought out her guitar and began singing.

I stared at the fire, watching it roll over and char everything it touched.  Flames are a beautiful, but dangerous thing.  Contained like this it was merely something to marvel at, but if left unattended…

I frowned. 

Did I leave Tiffany so unattended that the others actually had to push me in order to get my head into place?   How come I couldn’t pick up on these things myself?  Was she in on this plan?  Did she go to them for help when I was too stupid to see her advances?

I sat up straight and peered sideways at her.  The shadows from the fire danced off her skin engulfing her in a strange pattern.  She stared back at me looking curious. 

“I’m tired.” I lied, standing up.

I was aware that everyone’s eyes were on me again.

“A-already?” Tiffany asked in a high tone, sounding nervous as she got to her feet as well.

I just nodded, vaguely noticing how brave I was being.

“Goodnight.” I said to everyone, bowing to my manager.

I counted silently in my head ten seconds until I heard someone running after me.  Tiffany made pace with me.  She remained quiet, seemingly stunned by my spontaneity. 

“The house is empty.” I stated.

“I know.” She said.

“You’re mine.”  I couldn’t help smiling.

I saw out of the corner of my eye she tensed up and started walking faster. 

I started laughing and at the same time we started running together.

Scaling the stairs two at a time, I felt like I was living a page out of someone else’s life.  I pushed her backwards into our room and we stumbled out of control for a bit, landing safely of the bed.  I pushed myself up into a sitting position on her lap, straddling her hips and stared down at her.

The huge fire from outside illuminated through our curtains and made the room glow orange.  The tint made her skin look incredible, I wondered if I could take my eyes off of her long enough to actually get anything done.  I was sure we didn’t have all night but I didn’t want to rush it either.

Tiffany sat up, grabbing at the bottom of my hoodie before pulling it over my head and tossing it aside.  I was left in my damp purple bikini top.  She seemed to have the same idea; she ran her hands over my exposed flesh.  I felt the spots where she touched me scream for more.  My stomach, my sides, my shoulders.

Her lips found my throat and began kissing at it hungrily. I felt my eyes roll close.

“Miyoung-ah...” I crooned.  This seemed to spur her on.  All I could hear was the tide in the distance and ... and very faintly I thought I could hear the girls’ screaming outside.  My eyes came open and I tried to hear them clearer.  I could feel Tiffany starting to my shorts.  I gasped when her hand slid inside, but I could swear I heard Sunny yell my name.

I glanced over to the window becoming rigid.  Tiffany stopped what she was doing and looked at me.

“Did you hear that?” I asked.

“No?” She said, her hand still inside my shorts.

I stayed still for a moment, rigid, and glanced at her when I heard it again.  She heard it too. 

“I thought this was a rumor.”

The light in the room .  I faintly heard someone scream “Noooooooooo” outside.

They.. they were trying to warn us. 

Our manager was standing in the doorway we didn’t bother closing or locking.  He was glaring at me specifically.  Tiffany and I edged apart.  I chanced a glance at her and saw she was staring at the ground again.  I was unable to breath.

“I always considered you a great leader, Taeyeon.” He said, controlling his voice.

“She is a great leader.”  Tiffany said shakily. 

I wish she wouldn’t have.

“A great leader doesn’t sleep with their members.” He said. 

Ouch.

He walked towards us, running his hands over his face and sighing deeply.

“I never thought we’d have a problem like this.”

“There is no problem.” I said.  “She’s my girlfriend.”

“Not anymore.” He said, “This ends tonight.”

“Like hell it does.” I yelled, standing up. “You don’t control my personal life.”

“You don’t have a personal life. You signed a contract.  It ends tonight.”

I stared in disbelief.  The pain that was searing through my body right now seemed never ending. 

“Is that what I am to you Yongjun?  Am I a contract?” I lamented.

I considered this man family for the last four years of my life.  I wanted to say more, but my throat was so constricted that I couldn’t.  I looked over at Tiffany to see her in the same position but now tears were streaming down her face.

“I don’t care who you are outside this band but if this ever went public, all of us would be out of a job.” He said.  “It’s too dangerous to allow.” 

“You can’t stop us.” I croaked.

“If I have to separate you I will, don’t make me treat you like a child.  Think about your dreams’, think about losing this life of yours.  As long as you’re doing this it’s a definite possibility.”

I didn’t understand it.  I fell back onto the bed.  I just died. How could I still breathe and see? 

“If I have to choose, I’ll choose her.”  I said.

Tiffany looked at me, “Taeyeon, no.”

“If that’s how it is then I quit, Yongjun.” I said.

“You can’t quit.  You signed a-” He started

“Contract!” I stood up and yelled. 

He winced.  I knew deep down he hated having to do this but he could have looked the other way.  That's what I expected him to do.  If I would have known this would have happened, we could have kept it from him so easily... He didn’t realize he was tearing my life apart right now. 

“I don’t get to live?” I asked him, knowing it made him feel worse.  My bottom lip was quivering and he looked away from me. 

“SNSD has grown up.  It’s time they stopped sharing rooms.  There will be two separate dorms when we return to Korea.  You’ll remain leader without incident, Taeyeon.  Tiffany, you’ll be sleeping downstairs tonight. ” He said quietly and left. 

Like nothing ever happened.

I stared at the empty hallway where he disappeared with my mouth hanging open.  The tears came down my face without effort.  I turned to see Tiffany with her face in her hands.  It was unbearable to watch.  I crossed the room to the window and pulled the curtains open.  I saw them there all silhouetted by the fire staring in our direction. 

One was on her knees.  

"Tipani..." I said, still staring out the window.

I heard her sniff loudly.

"I'll never give up on you.  We'll find a way."  

"I know.." She whimpered.

I turned to look at her.  The light behind her eyes was extinguished.