9:10am.

I wondered idly if my stomach might digest itself before I’d have to go in there.  It might prove to be less painful.

I glanced up at the receptionist and caught her looking at me.  She looked away quickly.  I sighed softly and looked down at my feet.  Even the heels I wore didn’t hide the fact that I couldn’t reach the ground. 

Maybe… maybe you were wrong.

Much like everything else in my life, I sudden felt like I was so much smaller than everything around me… like I took on a giant… Something so much larger than me...

I shook the thought from my head. 

It’s not over yet.

I let my eyes wander around the waiting room and saw many portraits of past artists.  Some faces I recognized and some I’d never seen before in my life.  Our portrait was the last picture leading up the hall to the President's door.  I remembered taking it; we all looked so young and even there in that picture from years ago Tiffany and I were right next to one another.

I wondered if I’d become another nameless face to hang in these halls forever?

“Ms. Kim-“The receptionist said, “The President will see you now.”

Walking down that hall was the first time I ever had an out of body experience.  Everything was moving in slow motion and it felt like the longer I walked, the longer the hall was growing. 

I finally reached the door and stopped to look at our picture.  I took in each of their faces, lingering on Fany’s.

I was pretty much lost, walking from room to room without a reason.  My whole goal of this morning was getting through it without puking.  It didn’t help that someone was making breakfast.  The thought of food was pretty disgusting right now.  I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of anyone being hungry during a time like this.  Then again, if anyone got comfort from eating, it would definitely be Sooyoung.

I retreated to Jessi and Sunny’s room to hide from the smell, though all it did was damper it. I knew Sunny was watching me while I got into Jessi’s bed, but I didn’t want to look at either of them.  Weird, how I wanted comfort without talking about it.  I just wanted to be close to someone.  If they brought it up I’d probably just leave. 

Talking about it made it more real.

“You look lost, Fany.” Sunny said softly.

“I don’t know what to do with myself.” I said.

“I told you, she’s a lot better going in there after I spoke with him.” Sunny said, “He’s definitely thought about it more rationally now and he was in a good mood last night, but I don’t know...” Sunny trailed off.

I shook my head and got to my feet.  I felt Jessi’s hand pat my shoulder comfortingly, it didn’t work.  I didn’t want to be touched.

“It shouldn’t be long now.” Sunny said as I was leaving.  “They’ll be here soon.”

Ugh, Yongjun. 

I hated the thought of him being there with her too, it would only make things harder for her and if he was here if she brought bad news home… well… he’d better have a bodyguard to deal with eight enraged females...

I met Hyoyeon in the hall; she stopped to shake me a little when we both tried to take the same side to pass each other.

Nope, motion sickness won’t help either.

I peeked into Yuri and Yoona’s room and found them hysterically laughing about something.

… Nope.

Didn’t they know what was happening right now?  I gritted my teeth.

I looked into the next room and found Seohyun lying by herself on her bed. 

“Hi Unnie.” She said at the sight of me, quickly removing her headphones.

“Can I come in?” I asked her.

She nodded and sat up and I sat beside her on the bed.

“What are you listening to?” I asked.

She pulled out one of her headphones and handed it to me.

Children’s music.

I let my eyes close and these simple melodies washed my thoughts away.  Next to me, I could feel Seohyun’s head come to rest on my shoulder.  I suppose once in a lifetime, if you were extremely lucky, you could come across someone like Seohyun but that could be said about any one of our girls.  What happens if we go our separate ways?

It hurts to think about how empty my life would be without Seohyun.  Without any of them… Without… her…

I was surprised when I felt warm wetness flow out of my eyes and down my face.  Before I could lift my arm, Seohyun’s hand was wiping my face clean.  I turned to look at her and saw her eyes were also wet.  She understood the consequences that could come from today’s meeting, as I did.  

“We’re terrible, aren’t we?”  She gave a small smile. “We should stay positive.”

I nodded and she took my hand.  At the same time the intercom came to life throughout the house. It was a man’s voice, it made me recoil.

“It’s me.  I’m coming up.” 

“Unnie… Unnie come on.” Seohyun was trying to pull me with her.  I wasn’t ready to find out what happened yet.  I didn’t know if I could handle it.

“Unnie...”

I let her push me into the hall to join the others.  Everyone sort of gathered around the door and waited. I could see several of them holding hands.  Sunny stood beside me and took mine.  I felt Yuri put an arm around me.

When he opened the door, he closed it too quickly.  I looked in disbelief; was she not with him?  Was she not even allowed to come back?  I was so angry; I wanted to start cursing at him.  He looked at the girls individually, ensuring to avoid my gaze.

“Well, this is the warmest welcome I’ve ever received.” He said, smiling.

I don’t really remember what happened next; all I knew was Sunny was pulling me back.  I ended up getting pushed into an armchair nearby.  I don’t remember ever being this mad before in my life.

“What?” He asked, looking around.  Nobody answered him.  The entire room was speechless.

I pulled out my phone and tried to call her, but it went directly to her voicemail.  Her phone was turned off.  Why? She had nowhere else to go around here…

“Where is she?” Jessica demanded.

“Eh?” he said, looking around once more.  He seemed to do a headcount and then realization came to his face.

“Oh… She’s not here?  I’m surprised, she left before I did.” He said.

I looked up at him uncertainly.  She was supposed to come back but didn’t and now I can’t contact her?  Is she wandering around in pain somewhere?  My heart ached.

“Concert practice tonight.” He said abruptly, “At the arena, it won’t be the exact stage you’ll be on in Singapore but we need to run through it a few times at least as a refresher.  We’ll be here to pick you up at 5pm.  It’d be good if you got packed tonight as well.”

“You.” Jessica said, shaking her head in disbelief, “Aren’t you going tell us what happened?”

“Ah.” He said, stepping back from her. “It’s not my place.  If she wants to tell you it’s her business.”

Jessica was backing him into the door.

“Are you kidding me?” Sunny said. “Come on!”

“No, no.  You were all so quick to claim ignorance of the whole situation to make me look bad.  You can wait a little longer.” He said as he pulled the door shut.  He managed to get away before Jessica got a handful of his collar.

“5pm!” He shouted through the door. “Be ready!”

Well, that was pointless.  I got absolutely nothing out of Yongjun about anything apart from my Tae being on the run somewhere all alone, not wanting to come home.  If anything, it made things worse.

I walked to the door and started stepping into my shoes.

“Where are you going?” Sunny asked.

“I’m going to look for her.” I said.

“That’s not gonna help anything if you both get lost.” Jessica said in English.

“Well, what am I supposed to do!?” I rounded on her.

“Oh my god, just calm down, Tiffany.  She’ll come back when she’s ready.” She said, pulling me back by my elbow. 

I thought about fighting back but she did have a point; where would I look?  Where would I even begin?

“Well, he did say we’d just be running through the concert like it was routine.  If we lost a member I think we’d have to learn new choreography again, wouldn’t we?”  Sooyoung said asked.

That did make sense.  But If Taeyeon had only received good news from the President; wouldn’t she have rushed home to tell me or at least called?  There had to be a reason she didn’t want to see us yet. 

Jessi gave me one more pat on the back and I walked down the hallway to my room gloomily with the one shoe I managed to get on.  I tried to call her again. 

Answering machine.

“Taeyeon… It’s me... I don’t know where you are but please, when you get this, call me.”  I stared down at a picture of her and I we had on the desk.  “Just, come home okay?  If we have to make arrangements we will.  I love you.”

I cranked up the volume on my phone and set it on the desk, pulling my hair out of its bun before I climbed back into bed.

I pulled the covers up to my neck… and I could smell her again.  I felt stupid for not coming here in the first place.  I closed my eyes. 

Our bed.  Duh, of course this would be my best source of comfort.

Maybe I could look at this in a positive way.  It could be the first day of the rest of our lives together. 

I could go back to school…

And together… we could learn what it means to live a normal life.  I wonder if she’d want to move to the States with me. 

We could get a nice place in California where no one would ever bug us.  Somewhere we wouldn’t be seen as abnormal and we could hold hands in public; go unnoticed.

Or I’d stay in Korea for her, too.  It didn’t matter to me where in the world we were, just as long as she was there. 

Lying in our bed set me at ease; I was able to sleep for a while.  I awoke when I heard commotion outside my door.

I stood half asleep at the end of the hall.

It almost didn’t seem real.  She was surrounded by them holding a video camera and talking animatedly.  There was a pink beanie on her head with kitty ears on it.  At her feet were several bags.  I rubbed my eyes and stood alone at the end of the hall watching her.  Taking in her face, realizing once again how ridiculously beautiful she was.  She looked so relaxed and happy, though the happy part didn’t quite click in my brain yet.

Yuri noticed me first; pulling Taeyeon away from Sunny’s attention and shoving her a little down the hall.  Her face lit up so brightly when she saw me, I forgot instantly about all the stress I had today.  She pointed the camera at me as she walked closer.

“Where have you been?” I asked.

“I went shopping.” She grinned.

It was like coming out of a dream.  I blinked at her a few times and felt my expression fall.  I knew she could see it too; she actually took a few steps back from me.

“Kim Taeyeon… I’ve been sitting here worried about you all day… and you were out shopping?!”  Surely, crows off in distant trees were evacuating their homes. 

Her eyes were huge.  She bit down hard on her lip as she thought better of filming me right now, she closed her camcorder. 

Yoona was laughing behind her.

“I told you…” I heard Jessi whisper.

“Ah... Fany-ah, I would have called but… my… look...” She pulled out her cell phone. “It died.”

“You went out shopping by yourself?” I was walking to her, and she was walking away, clearly scared.

“Well, not exactly.  I had a bodyguard” She said, tripping on her own feet.  “I didn’t mean to stay out that long, I got carried away.  F-Fany-ah, don’t be angry…”

“All this, and now they have their first real love fight.” Yoona whispered, grinning back at Sooyoung.

I sighed heavily and frowned at her. 

“I was so worried. I thought you were thrown out.” I said in a small voice.

“That’s that jerk Yongjun’s fault. “ She said, putting her hands up. “I thought he would have told you all.” 

She looked around for anyone to save her.  It looked like nobody wanted to get involved, yet they were all fine standing there watching.  I narrowed my eyes at them.

“What happened?” I asked.

She walked back to her bags and brought me back a packet of paperwork.  I looked through the first few pages and looked at her.

“What is this?”

She bit her lip and opened up her camera again. 

“It’s my new contract.” She said, watching my face.

“New…?” I asked.

“New contract.”  Her smile was huge.

“What’s new about it?” I asked.

“Well, It just says in there that if my relationship with you ever comes out that I must claim that SM knew nothing about it before hand and they have the right to terminate me on the spot.  I’ll owe expenses for any upcoming promotional deals or concerts that are planned at that time if the rest of SNSD can’t meet them.” She said, looking at me threw the viewfinder.

“They’re not throwing you out?” I gaped.  “They’re not separating us?”

“Nope.” She smiled up at me. “You’re stuck with me.”

I looked around at the others hardly daring to believe it.  I felt her hand touch my cheek and I looked back down at her.  Her eyes were soft.

“Do you forgive me?” She asked.

How could I not?

“This... this is so awesome!” I said, holding up the paperwork and looking at the others.

“You’ll have your own to sign as well.” She said, smiling. “We can be together, that’s why I went shopping but as you can see I got carried away.  Oh!” She grabbed the beanie off her head. “I got you this, too”

She reached up and put it on me. 

“Tae…” I grinned.

Total dork.

“What is all this?” I asked as I helped her carry her bags into our room. 

“Well, I went out for something but I ended up buying a lot more.” She laughed.  “I got some Christmas shopping done.

“I have to do that, too.” I murmured, peeking into one of her bags.

“Out.” She said, pulling the bag away from me.

“Did you get my Christmas present?” I grinned.

“No.  You’re impossible to shop for.”

“Why can’t I see then?” I asked.

“Because I did get you something.” She said, looking for the right bag, pulling something out and holding it behind her back.

I looked at her eagerly.

“Close your eyes.” She said. “No peeking.”

I closed my eyes and stuck my tongue out when I thought it was taking too long.  I heard a small metal on metal sound that confused me. 

“Ohhhhkay.” She said elaborately in English.  “Open.”

She was just standing here, her eyes were wide with expectation and a wide small stretched across her face.  I didn’t get it.

“…What?”

She posed spectacularly then, giving me a peace sign and on either of her fingers was matching rings.  Couples rings.  My jaw hit the floor. 

“Are..? ...Tae…” I said stupidly.

“Would you wear this?” She asked nervously, “I mean we obviously can’t wear it out, but around the house…”

She pulled one off and held it out so I could see it closer.  It looked like white gold, emblazoned with diamonds.  A single pink gem was mounted in the center in between them.  On her ring, I could see the gem in the middle was purple.  I could have passed out.

“Of course I will.” I breathed, holding my hand out.

“Hope it fits.” She chuckled, sliding it onto my ring finger.  It fit snugly. She looked so pleased with herself at the sight of me wearing her ring.  I could see this was a really important moment to her. Her wide eyes were so prideful.

“I love it.” I laughed softly, “But… we haven’t been together for one hundred days yet, Tae.”

She stopped smiling and looked at me seriously.  I was taught the Korean tradition for couple’s rings was they were to be given a hundred days into the relationship.

“Fany-ah, how many days is seven years?” She asked softly, cocking her head to the side.

I didn’t know what to say.  We had a stare down, which she always seems to win.  This was her way of saying she was right there with me from the beginning. 

“A lot of days.” I said finally, pulling her close to me by the belt loops of her pants. “Today doesn’t count though, does it? I barely got to see you…” 

“Well, if we make the best of the rest of it, it should.” She said, wrapping her arms around my neck and leaning up to me, kissing me. 

If only we could.

“We’ve got practice.” I pouted after pulling myself away. 

She sighed, “We’ve always got practice.”

She started hiding her bags in the closet.

“So what’s this for?” I asked, holding up the camera.

“Ah, I thought it’d be fun.  I never had one before.  We can keep our memories on this.  It came with a tripod too.”

“Cool.” I grinned, pulling my shirt over my head to change into practice clothes.  I put on some sweats turned around.  She was gone but I saw the tripod was set up, the camera on top of it, pointing directly at our bed.

I bit my lip to keep from laughing.  She couldn’t have done that intentionally; she wouldn’t have.  I decide to leave it there to see if anyone says anything about it.  She came back in with her last bag and diverted her eyes from me when she saw I was still topless.  I pouted a little and put my top on. 

Taeyeon is the definition of adorable… traditional, but adorable.  I wouldn’t change a single thing about her…

“So… Why didn’t he fire you?” I asked.

“He had a lot of reasons.” She said, leaning against the wall beside me while I fit the dorky, beanie back on my head.

“He said letting me go would probably end SNSD, because groups usually fall apart after members leave, much less leaders.” She said thoughtfully. “He said I’ve done a lot for the company and I’ve always been a model employee, a hard worker, and since I’ve kept it a secret until now, he didn’t see the reason to make a rash move when nothing’s gone public yet.”

I couldn’t believe our luck.  Then again, if they had fired her they would have had angry fans at their office with pitchforks. 

“Said SNSD went above and beyond his expectations.  I don’t think he’s ready to let go of us just yet.” Taeyeon smiled.

I stepped in front of her and put my hands on her waist, clearly taking advantage of this wall position. I leaned her against it and put my forehead against hers, causing her to smile.

“I really missed you today.” I hummed gently, nuzzling my nose into hers.

She put her palms flat against my stomach and looked up into me.  The sun that was shining through the window beside us illuminated her wide eyes, making them a melted chocolate with little flecks of golden highlights that I knew only showed up in certain lightning.  When she stared at me like this, my thought process would become mush. 

That gaze.

Her eyes continued to bore into me; her lips were a straight line except just the very corners of were slightly curled. I let my eyes wander south to her tone body, her flat stomach sticking out just a bit from under her shirt, and our now conjoined hips.  Taeyeon brought the whole idea of ‘physical attraction’ to another level.

She looked so good, it hurt.

”Fany-ah, what do you want for Christmas?” She moved to one side of her face sadly. I had to pull myself out of a daydream before answering.

“I don’t know.” I frowned, thinking.

“Please help.” She smirked, laughing through her nose.

“Ohh... I know what I want.” I smirked.  

She looked excited.

“I want this.” I said, leaning in and pecking her.

Her face fell a little.

“And… I want this...” I move in close to her ear and whispered deeply.  I ran my hands along her shoulders.  “And this…” traced it down her sides to her stomach.

She went rigid.

“And this.” I said laughing, massaging her hips before sliding my hands to her and giving it a squeeze.

She was turning red before my eyes.

“Annnnd.” I said, kneeling and running my hands down her thighs and back up again, “these.”

She peered down at me looking intimidated and impressed at the same time.  Her tongue was lodged nervously in the corner of and I just stayed on me knees in front of her, knowing exactly what I was implicating by doing so.  It might be considered cruelty, but I enjoyed seeing Tae flustered.  I really enjoyed that I could do it to her so easily...

“Miyoung-ah…” She whined, holding her hands out for me.  I registered the use of my Korean name; she only usually used it when she was serious about something.  I took her hands and stood back up. 

“But I want to actually get you something, too.” She said, clearing .

Too?

“Really? So, my first request won’t be denied?” I asked hopefully.

“Lately it’s just been a matter of being alone, right?” She asked, turning slightly red.  “It’s not like I don’t want it, you know?”

The thing that’s so cool about this is that she’s starting to get used to me.  She’s still shy but I can touch her now without having her shrink away.  We can talk about this sort of thing now without having her freak out and change the subject.  I have a pretty straightforward personality but her level of comfort always came first to me.  I knew she liked it now, and I knew she thought about me like this sometimes.  I knew how to turn her on and now that she seems to be enjoying it, sometimes encouraging it, I could push her a little.

Practice that night was epic.    

I think we were all excited to get back on stage again for two more shows back to back in Singapore.  I thought we looked better than ever and Taeyeon was at the helm leading the way.  Her energy was contagious and overflowing.  Singapore was going to get two of the best shows we’ve ever performed together. 

I kinda wish I could sit in the audience instead and watch her.  Her voice filled the empty arena and ricocheted, louder than ever.  It was a call of victory; a declaration of love and growth.  It sounded so impressive.  I don’t remember her singing with this much passion since we first started.

I followed her around for most of the practice, trying to keep up with her as she ran around waving at fake fans and belting her vocals.  It was different working with her now under a revised contract.  She never hesitated to hold my hand or sing directly at me anymore.  

I felt invincible near her… Nobody could touch us.

Singapore won't know what hit 'em.