My heart sank as the bus passed by every block.  I still can't process what I saw awhile ago.

I don't believe it.

That's not my hyung! He doesn't work as a e!

I looked at the crumpled picture in my hand.  An evidence that completely destroyed my hope it wasn't him. 

I cannot be wrong, I'll know if its him even if it were meters away.  I have looked at his face a thousand times and have memorized his features.  It already has an imprint.

He smiles here, but his smile is very much different than what he always flashes me. 

His eyes, they contradict the familiar opening in his mouth. 

They're sad.

---------

The next day came and he's still all that I have in my head.

I spaced out even in classes which didn't fail to get me sermons from my teachers.  Not that I care. 

When it was lunch time, Cap hyung and Ljoe hyung noticed what's happening as their nudges and whispers to each other were poorly hidden.

"Talk to him." Cap hyung whispered.

"No you talk to him." Ljoe hyung bit back.

"You do it."

"No, you should be the one doing it, you're older."

The two continued bickering about who will talk to me until I decided I do it.

"What do you want to ask me?"  I asked gloomily.

Cap hyung cleared his throat.

"Were you mad?" He nervously questioned.

I raised my brow.

"We mean, about the whole trip to the gay bar thing." Ljoe hyung added.

"No, its alright."

"Then why are you like that?"

"Its nothing."

"He thinks were idiots now Cap hyung." Ljoe hyung scoffed.

"No really, you can tell us anything." Cap hyung comforted.

I really want to get this out of my system.  I feel like i'm gonna burst in frustration if i'd keep all of this inside me.

"I... I..."

"You?..."  They trailed in unison.

I can't.  I can't tell them.  It would mean ruining hyung's image.  I don't want them to look bad at him.  I still have to protect him.

"I... need to go now."

I hastily stood up and went outside the cafeteria.

----------

I nervously shifted in my seat waiting for hyung to arrive.  It was our usual spot in the library and I've never felt more tense in my whole life.

I was busy contemplating whether to really meet him or make up an excuse.  After all, I don't really feel comfortable.

It was then when hyung arrived. He looked his usual self, bright, handsome and nothing but a bowl of sunshine.

He flashed a smile and waved at me which was replied by my mere stares.

He sat down and I felt my whole world stop now that i'm in front of him. 

"Hi."

"Hi..." I bowed my head.

"Are you alright? You look a bit unwell." He asked worriedly.

"No, hyung i'm fine."

"Are you sure? We could take a little break before we start."

"I"m alright hyung, lets just start." My fake smile did little to hide my disheveled state.

"Okay?" He proceeded to get his book warily.

He opened at the topic where we stopped yesterday and tried my ultimate best to get my head out of that event last night.

All my efforts were futile as nothing he said went inside my head.

It kept drifting to his features once again.  But now its a bit different.

Every time I see his smile I can't help but imagine him ally someone's .

Every time he laughs I can imagine him somebody's name and writhing under that guy's mercy in pure pleasure.

Every time I see his hands turn the pages I see him skillfully giving someone a .

Every time I see him as a whole, I can imagine a dirty little . 
 

No... Hyung... He'd never do that, maybe its just someone who really looked like him.

My hyung is the best and nicest person in the whole world and he'd never do something like that to stain himself.

He's not a .

He's not a e.

He's the hyung that I love.

I kept thinking about this and didn't noticed the lonely tear that escaped my eyes.

I quickly wiped it away but unfortunately it was noticed by hyung.

He looked alarmed and deeply concerned.

"Hey, why are you crying?"

That single lonely tear called his friends and they heartily flowed from my eyes.

He looked shocked and confused.

"Jonghyun, why? Are you all right? Does something hurt?" He was all tensed and freaked out.  He pulled out his handkerchief and wiped my tears. 

I stared at him, eyes red and puffy. 

"Why hyung?"

"Huh?"

"Why did you let yourself get involved in that?"

"What are you talking about?"

There was silence.

"Can I go home now?" I wiped my tears and carefully stood up.

I can see from his pained expression that he still wanted to ask questions, to let me stay and talk to me.

He sighed deeply, which indicated he gave up and flashed me a bitter smile.

"Okay, take care."

From that moment on I knew who that person on the picture was.

I knew from the smile he gave.

I knew those sad eyes.

It really is him.

-----------------

Sorry for the long wait.