April 20, 2014

 

It is that place again. The little paradise. The tiny heaven. Yet it isn't really that small to their hearts, because the biggest of their dreams are formed in that humble store. That store surrounded by walls with pastel rainbow of colors-- mixture of yellow and orange on the left, purple and red on the right, and at the counter is the playful blend of blue, indigo, and green. Four mini white tables for two, each on every corner of the little area.

The table they occupy is the one on the topleft. For some reasons, that table is their favorite. Perhaps because it's nearest the counter, but they don't actually know.  “Wait here, I’ll be the one to order,” Sehun says, his heart still beating every millisecond, sweat overflowing all throughout his perfectly-toned body.

“Okay,” Luhan replies as he sits, removing his thin jacket, his hanky absorbing his perspirations from their morning exercise. He receives a jacket throw from Sehun on the face, which makes him grump. “Damn it.”

Sehun turns to him. "What?" and he shows him his tongue. "Complain and I won't buy you milktea," then he chuckles.

Luhan frowns, but because of the threat, he behaves.

 

"Two cups of wintermelon tea," a low voice echoes on the walls. The young lady cashier presses the touch screen machine. She tells him the amount, and Sehun picks his purse from his jean's pocket, only to find out that his coins are not enough. "Uhm, I'll just buy one," then he demurely grins.

Sehun pulls two numbers from his pocket the moment she serves the cup at the counter. Small two and four cut from a red coloured paper, each glued on a toothpick. He stabs them on the cup's cover. 24.

Sehun turns around. A milktea cup numbered 24 and a wide grin-- those are the best gifts Luhan can ever have.

"Happy birthday to you," a sweet melody waves on Luhan's heart. That pleasant phrase from Sehun does not halt; it goes on until all the tunes of the little song are absorbed by the deer's ears. "Happy 24th birthday, best friend!" he whispers right though him, and the cup drops in front of the birthday boy. Sehun grips an imaginary lighter, and burns up the transparent straw. "Here, a milktea strawlight! Close your eyes and make a wish!"

Luhan stares at the wonderful face in front of him-- that pair of almond-shaped eyes, majestically-carved nose, thin kissable lips, pale white skin-- and he unconsciously drops a tear. Thank you, best friend. It takes seconds before he follows his best friend's sweet command. His world turns black, and its solemn hue puts his wish in utmost secrecy.

I wish Sehun would love me more than a friend.

The shine glows back. He gathers the air, and blows away the dazzling strawlight.

And then he realizes that his wish may just be like that strawlight. It will simply be washed away, and it will never get real. There will never be a true light, only he together with his dreams. There will be nothing tomorrow, because his wish will just remain a wish.

But he does not care, because he loves Sehun so much.

 

Sehun's phone rings. He gets his touchscreen phone from his pocket, and his frown suddenly transforms into a smile.

Luhan peeks at the screen. A name strikes his eyes, and a dagger pierces his heart. Kai.

The talk is so long; flames have already eaten up his entire soul. For every syllable Sehun says, a hammer hits him on the heart. Phone conversations between the couple happen almost every night, and every time he hears it, he wallows in self-pity like what he is doing now. Kai again. Kai again and again and again. How about me?

There are ants everywhere-- the exchange of words between them is too sweet. The ants are so kind to the two hearts, but to Luhan, all of them are biting him, and Luhan entirely gets red and swollen.

 

"Luhan, Kai will treat us for lunch later. It's your birthday treat," Sehun talks, his lips still reaching a meter from hearing the sweetest voice in the world.

Luhan fakes a smile. "Really?" and rolling eyes are concealed. Hearing that name from Sehun is such a heavy burden to his arms, such a great vexation to his being. Tears are welling up inside him, but in order to look cool, he hides them. It is as if he never gets used to it, that until now there is still a faucet in his body bloating him up until he explodes. 

"Yeah, later at 12," he confirms, and then sips the heavenly tea. 

Luhan looks at the tiles below him. His pinkish cheeks turn pale. His already petite body feels thinner. As much as he wants to lose himself at that point, he can't. And as much as he wants to maintain a bright mood, there are dark clouds roaming around him.

"Hey, is there something wrong?"

"Eoh?" he lifts his head, only to bring it down again. He tries to form words that will make his concern seem to be a joke, but he can't. "I'm sorry."

"What?" Sehun's thick brows meet. Did Luhan even do something on him? He thinks for a reason why his friend will tell him those words. He looks at the ceiling, the counter, the tables to search for an answer, but he can't find one.

"I'm sorry," he repeats, still looking at the ground. "I can't even treat you on my birthday. I'm sorry I'm a parasite swallowing your money up. I'm sorry for everything."

Sehun gulps another ounce of milktea. Discovering the reason why, he chuckles. "Seriously, Luhan?" And his chuckle turns into a laugh. My best friend is really crazy, he tells himself. His best friend is imitating the main character of the drama they've watched last night. 

Luhan glares at him. "Why are you laughing?"

Sehun almost chokes at his question. Truly, this cute guy is insane and stupid. "Because you're funny!" He remarks, still wildly laughing, because Luhan looks completely clueless and dumb. "Feeling sorry when there's nothing to apologize for."

"Is being a parasite not a thing to be sorry for?"

"Oh, come on. I owe you my life, okay? You're my mother, father, brother, my best friend. My life has been tied to you for thirteen long years, from the orphanage to our apartment. You have always taken care of me. Cut the string and I'll lose my life. And now you're a parasite? My salary's not even enough to pay you for everything. No matter how much money I earn from cleaning a million toilets, it's not enough to pay you back."

And Luhan suddenly feels the thorns surrender from him. For the nth time, Sehun has made him comforted again even with just plain words. There is no touch, hug, kiss or whatsoever. Just words from the heart. 

Though he wants Sehun to do those to him, those sweet cuddles, warm pecks-- they are just friends. Friends and only until friends. And though he's waiting for that time to come, for that moment when Sehun would do those to him, it just won't. Because someone has already captured Sehun's heart.

No matter how deep his love is to Sehun, it will just be until love.

Sehun offers him their favorite milktea. Half-full, half-empty. "Ya, stop saying sorry, okay? Now you drink this before I drink everything. Happy birthday!"

--

 

"Sweetie!" Kai yells from afar, hands wildly waving for his darling's attention. Sehun looks ahead, and he has seen god's greatest creation again. Even from afar, he can vividly see his sweetheart's heavenly image-- beautiful brown eyes, sharp jawline, mystically-shaped lips. Seeing all those wonderful things, an unconscious run is next. 

Luhan is thrown away. And the small restaurant's door smashes him to the ground. "Oh my! I'm so sorry!" then the male stranger gives him a hand.

"Hey, are you okay?" the man asks, only to be answered by silence. This guy is weird, the man thinks, so he just shrugs and walks away.

Luhan gets paralyzed for seconds with the sight straight ahead. A hug, a kiss--things that he can't do with the man he cherishes the most.

The sidewalk blurs. Everything he sees is an undistinguishable object covered with water. He is drowning, but he needs to save himself---fast---so he won't appear like a pathetic fool. He stands and turns around, breathing deeply, washing tears away. Mumbling scripted phrases, practicing a smile.

He faces about, and the knives stab him. His most beloved is holding someone else's hand. That someone else whom he can't beat. That person who wears shiny leather shoes, expensive-looking slacks, finely pressed blue suit, and a tie from Sehun. While he has those worn-out sneakers, wrinkled jeans, faded brown tee, and a darned jacket. That person has a job; he has none. That person has money, has things he can give to Sehun, while he has none. 

That person has Sehun's heart, while he...

 

"Happy birthday, Luhan!" the tan-skinned male greets, his flawlessly-formed arms waving side to side. But that isn't the arm that grabs Luhan's attention. It's the other one---the one being wrapped by Sehun's caress. And though Kai displays a genuine smile, Luhan can't give that back. Luhan is shattering, turning into pieces finer than powder. He is scattering; his particles are flying away with the dusts, trying to escape that place where a fire is set, letting him transform into ashes.

"Thank you, Kai," he responds, with quite a high tune to make him sound happy. He stretches his lips as wide as he can, and forces those to look delighted. He transforms his round eyes into crescent moons, and he succeeds in displaying a decent pleasant face. And of course he will succeed. He has been doing that for nearly a year. 

"I'm sorry I wasn't able to greet you on the phone earlier. I was so busy with my paperworks." And then Kai hushes. He is so guilty for being too busy, too much of a workaholic that he doesn't even have much time with Sehun. They can only meet like this, lunch or dinner treat within his office's vicinity, and then going back to work after about an hour. And it only happens once a week, or even once a month, because oftentimes his money is just enough for himself. But still, despite all those, he owns Sehun's heart.

"It's okay," Luhan replies. Yes, it's okay that Kai wasn't able to greet earlier, but it's not okay that in spite of that too little time he spends with Sehun, he is still the one gaining Sehun. They have just known each other for a short while. They have never spent time together longer than Luhan and Sehun have. Luhan has taken care of Sehun for so long. Luhan has helped Sehun on his school assignments. Luhan treats Sehun's wounds. Luhan smears moist cloth whenever Sehun has fever. And Kai has never done those to Sehun. So why Sehun, why? Why Kai? Why not me?

"By the way," Luhan interrupts the silence he has made, slightly washing away his thoughts. "Thank you for offering us a treat again. I'm actually shy of you."

"It's my pleasure. I haven't seen you guys in a while anyway."

"So," Kai adds, "Let's go inside?" 

"Oh, yes," Luhan replies.

And Sehun quickly pulls Kai inside. No time must be wasted for his precious one. They need to talk about many things. They need more time to feed each other. This will just be for an hour or less, so not even a millisecond must be dropped. Everything must be saved, kept into their bucket of memories, and not a pinch must fall to the ground.

 

“So, how are you guys doing?” Kai inquires, chewing the garlic bread that Sehun fed on him. Kai feeds Sehun back; the sushi on his plate now being gulped by Sehun.

"Hey, you both didn't answer me. How are you?"

"Why ask? Can't you see it? We're alive!" Sehun guffs.

"Idiot." Kai deadpans for he got a bit pissed off with Sehun’s sarcastic reply.

"You're the idiot." Sehun laughs, and Kai just thinks Sehun is still cute.

Sehun and Kai talk more and more, letting Luhan join the conversation for some lines. Luhan stares at his empty plate, then looks at the yellow walls and flesh ceiling, trying his best to keep his eyes away from the roaming ants in front. Sweet words here, sweet words there. Sweet words everywhere, yet he's still bitter.

"Uhm, nature's calling me. I'll go to the toilet for a while," Sehun suddenly says, putting Kai's lips on a smile.

 

Kai and Luhan stare at each other. Kai wears a smile, so Luhan needs to do the same. Every second that passes, their smile decreases in length until it completely fades away. Luhan looks at the floor, while Kai continues to stare. 

"Luhan," Kai speaks, his gentle voice waving on Luhan's ears. His voice is the irony of his eyes-- his eyes which are glaring at Luhan, not letting a single moment pass without terrifying him. 

"Eoh?" Luhan looks back, hands clasping under the table. 

Kai takes seconds, until a question is finally asked. "Do you still love him?"

Luhan's hands clasp tighter. His eyes widen. "Wh...what?" he staggers.

"Do you still love Sehun?" he repeats.

Luhan's heart thumps as if a hammer is striking it, and sweat is beginning to form on his temples. He shakes, and his eyes wander in discomfort. Silence.

"Well, you don't need to answer. It's obvious."

And there comes hush again. Long seconds of eternity. Luhan stares at his empty plate, wishing that there is food to swallow again.

"Why are you still not telling him?" Kai asks, although he knows the reason why. They are really different. Kai has the guts while Luhan remains inside his shell. Maybe that's why Sehun loves Kai in a much special way, leaving Luhan with the same kind of love since the beginning-- love as a friend. So Kai encourages Luhan, "Sehun will listen to you."

Luhan looks up. What is he supposed to say? There is another seconds of silence. Kai's eyes are fixed on him; it's a prison without escape. There are chains everywhere-- on his feet, on his arms, on his head, on his heart. Those are the chains restricting him to speak now, and the same chains restraining him to tell Sehun the truth.

Kai maintains the hush between them. He waits for an answer, despite knowing there's no way Luhan can decently respond. He, as bold as he can be, decides to clear everything to Luhan. "You can tell Sehun that you love him," he utters, as solemn as he can, "but remember, he is still mine."

Thorns prick Luhan all throughout. The pricks are so deep that his tears begin to fall. He looks at the ceiling, hoping that those drops will draw back, but they don't. Kai's words muzzle him to the point that he almost can't breathe. He is suffocated, the walls of the prison squeezing him to death. 

Kai gazes, watching tears fall from Luhan. He can't understand his pain, but with those eyes begging for him to stop, he somehow can. Yet stopping is not the right choice for him. Because he wants Luhan to drown in truth. Luhan needs to drown. Because Kai loves Sehun, and Sehun loves Kai. And Luhan can do nothing but to let go.

“Luhan, I hope you understand. I love Sehun so much. I can’t give him to you.”

Luhan, through those words, drowns. A flood of tears makes him paralyzed to death, and the flood pulls him deeper when Kai tells him his next words.

"Luhan, I want Sehun to live with me. I'll ask him later for this, and I'm sure that he'll say yes."

Luhan's eyes turn into an overflowing well. He almost collapses, but he needs to be strong.

Every single day, he has pondered about that thing. That Kai will get Sehun, and that he will end up having nothing. That idea is not new to him anymore. Since Sehun has introduced Kai to him, he can already see how it will end. But he still breaks into pieces because that thing is getting real now. What had I even done to deserve this? Everything is getting real, but my wish never does. Why doesn't Sehun love me the way he loves Kai? Why is fate too cruel to me?

“But I won’t take him too far from you," Kai resumes, "I know how much you cherish each other…especially you.” 

At least, Kai has shown some mercy. Luhan has been good to him, has been silent despite being pained, has been loving in spite of him owning Sehun. It is a little consideration, a tiny compensation for Luhan's feats. "You can visit each other. I won't stop you from seeing him." But he knows that in spite of those conditions, the sense is still the same. He will get Sehun, and he will leave Luhan in grief. “I’m so sorry, Luhan. I’m so sorry.”

Luhan nearly breaks down, yet he tries to gather all his strength to speak. “No…" Luhan finally utters his first syllable. "It…it’s okay. I…I kn...know that that time will come,” he stutters, massive tears uncontrollably flowing from him. No, it will never be okay; but yes, it will be okay, or even beyond okay, if it will make Sehun the happiest person in the world.

Realizing that he is the cause of those tears, Kai's heart starts to ache. A tear drops from him, and another, and another. He is so sorry, but he can't and he won't take back his decision. Sehun and he will live together, share their lives together, until they grow old, until heaven takes them. That is, he assumes, their fate. 

There is silence between them. Only Luhan's sob and Kai's quiet tears can be heard. Kai moves and his hand reaches for Luhan's.

“Thank you, Luhan," he breaks the hush, "...for understanding." He holds Luhan's hand tighter to give strength, to let him know that he will still be there for him. "Thank you for being my good friend. Thank you very much.”

Luhan gathers himself, and talks back with a smile-- a genuine one. “It’s nothing.” 

And no matter how painful, he has told him his sincere desire for them. "I hope you stay happy together."

Kai tears up again. That is something he does not expect from him. Those are words that can kill Luhan. Yet, Luhan endures it for his sake, for Sehun's sake. That is something that Luhan can do, but he cannot. 

“Thank you," and he smiles. Despite knowing how he has taken away Luhan's happiness, he has still hoped for his best. "I hope you stay happy too."

Luhan touches him back. He looks at Kai, and talks with all his heart. “Promise me that you’ll take care of him. Promise me that you’ll love him forever, and that you’ll never leave him alone.”

“I promise.”  

“Thank you.”

 

 

“Hey! What are you doing there?” Sehun surprises them with a shout, putting his face in between them. The mood suddenly changes when the person they love is already in front of them. 

Luhan and Kai quickly draw back the hold of their hands. “Ah,” Kai remarks. “We’re playing hand wrestling. Luhan has always lost.”

Just like every single time, Sehun gives out a laugh. Even if it's not funny, he'll stand there like an idiot. 

“Oh, really?" he bursts out. "Luhan, you’re still frail until now,” he jokes, followed by a guffaw. The two start to chuckle seeing their man as jolly as that. 

“Ah! By the way,” Kai suddenly remembers something. “I got three free tickets here for the amusement park and it will expire tomorrow. Are you available tonight?”

Sehun runs to sit beside Kai. "Really?" he asks, sticking his face to his sweetheart, his saliva spitting out to Kai again.

"Do I look like joking?" Kai replies, with lips attempting for a kiss.

But Sehun draws back. "Uggh," he frowns, and then shouts, "bad breath!" 

Looking around and finding out the stare of customers on him, Kai covers Sehun's mouth and pinches his nose. "I will kill you for that. Only I and Luhan will go to the park later." 

Sehun tongues Kai's palm so he can break free. For his revenge, he pinches back Kai’s nose.

"Eeew!" Kai remarks at the plentiful saliva on his hand. "You yucky moron!" He touches Sehun's arm with his wet palm, and Sehun releases his hand.

"Yuck!" Sehun protests with his own saliva. 

"So, are you available tonight?"

Pouting, Sehun quickly answers. "Of course. Duh, it's weekend. You're the only one who works at this day."

 “But…but we don’t have money for the fare.”

“Is that so?”  Kai picks his wallet and gets a bill. “Here, you don’t have a reason not to come later.”

 

Sehun and Luhan go back to their apartment. Although they don’t want, they have no choice but to use Kai’s money for their fare. It takes them almost an hour before they arrive at home. The moment they enter their small place-- shabby white walls on the four sides, worn-out appliances and furniture, yet neat and clean despite the tatty facade-- Sehun hastily spreads the comforter on the floor. They lie down, and for just a few seconds, Sehun has gotten his sleep. Luhan, on the other side, has remained awake despite lying down for minutes with stillness on his surroundings. In his mind, Kai’s voice keeps on playing. “I want Sehun to live with me."

He can’t endure lying still so he sits at the corner. He keeps on thinking about what Kai said. He stares at Sehun with his troubled mind, How am I going to live without you? 

An hour passes, and he remains sitting at the corner, staring at him, still questioning himself. Shall I tell you that I love you more than a friend before you leave me? Shall I kiss you, for the first and the last time? Or shall I not let you go, and fight for you until the end? 

An hour passes again. He doesn’t stand; he doesn’t move. He continues staring, sitting. After questioning himself a million times, he gets the answer: he will let him go, he will kiss him, but he’ll never confess to him. How is he going to live without him? Well, he’ll know the answer after he lets him go.

He, after long hours of pondering, moves to Sehun, and stares closer at his face. He gazes and tries to remember its every detail—heavenly-looking eyes, perfectly-shaped nose, pinkish cheeks, sharp jawline. He tries to remember each detail, because at any time, Sehun will leave him alone; he’ll barely appear in front of him, and he’ll never gonna see his face as close as this moment again.

To Luhan, now is the perfect time to kiss him. He puts his face nearest to him, and touches his lips with his. He closes his eyes, and kisses him longer than eternity.

It is the first time he is able to do what he has wanted for the last thirteen years. It is the first time, and the last time. After this, things will change, and he will be left alone. So for these god-given seconds, Luhan tries to stop the time. He attempts to freeze everything, simply wanting their lips to stay like that forever.

Yet during that moment, something in his mind has signaled him, letting him remember that only god can stop the time, and that forever does not exist between them.

 

He gets back to his senses. What if he felt it? What if he wakes up? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna say? His heart wallops. His whole body shudders. He runs to the door, because air is getting scarce and everything suffocates him. Outside, he gasps for air, collecting particles to arrange his shaking pieces. 

 

Sehun wakes up after some time. He looks around, only to be anxious why Luhan is not inside. He walks to the door and there, he sees him sitting, arms around his thighs. “Luhan!" he calls.

Luhan's eyes widen.

“What are you doing there? Why are you not inside?” 

“Ah…ummm…ugh,” he stammers. “I…I’m…umm…It’s cooler here, so I stayed.”

“Oh, okay. Well, it’s really a bit cooler here. Perhaps I shall sit with you.”

Sehun closes the door and sits beside him. Luhan trembles while Sehun enjoys the cool air that touches them.

“You know what, Luhan? I dreamed earlier. It was such a weird dream.”

“Really? What’s your dream about?” he asks as he shakes discreetly.

“I was riding a train with a man. I can’t remember his face. What I just remember is that he always smiled at me as we traveled. All the people inside the train were all shouting and shrieking and I don’t know why. Only I and the man were quiet. Our travel was going smooth. Suddenly, the train got derailed. Our train fell at the ocean. The glass windows broke, and water began to enter inside.”

“What the?” he reacts. “And then?”

“Then I held his hand and we tried to get out of the train. I got out first, but he got stuck inside. I tried not to let go of his hand, but I wasn’t able to.  The train quickly submerged with him inside. I tried to swim deeper, but I never saw him again. I then swam back to the surface, but the ocean pulled me down. I wasn’t able to oppose its strength, and I was pulled down to its deepest. The place was so dark. I couldn’t feel my body. I couldn’t move."

Sehun pauses, pondering whether that will be the end of his story, or he will tell a thing he has dreamed about before that train wreck. Swiftly, he decides to create a twist in his dreams. The last scene of his first dream will be the last part of his second dream. "Then suddenly," he continues his narration, "I felt like someone was kissing me. And you know what? The kiss just felt so real.”

Luhan freezes, muscles stiff, nerves squeezing. A larger hammer hits him, putting his entire body in numbness. “S…ss…so w...what hap...pened then?”

“Nothing. I don’t remember anything after that. Maybe I just continued to sleep.”

“Oh really?” he says, feeling relieved. The tense is now released. He can feel the friendly air towards him again. “That’s so random. But you know what? I also dreamed about train and ocean last night.”

“Really? What about?”

“I was at the train station. I wanted to ride at the train, but it was already full and I couldn’t enter anymore. So the train moved, and I just waited for the next train. While waiting, I looked at that train as it moved farther away. Suddenly, I saw it got derailed. It fell, but I didn’t know where it went. The people at the train station suddenly became muddled. They were all running and shouting like crazy. I didn’t know what’s happening. Suddenly, I saw the railways in front of me became a river. Someone pushed me. I fell on the water and I was carried away with its current. Then, the river suddenly became ocean. I didn’t really know what was happening. Then, the ocean pulled me down, and I drowned.”

“And then?”

“That’s the end. I woke up after that.”

“Haha. That’s so random too. But it’s cool that we dreamed about same things.”

“Yeah. I think about that too. Do you think our dreams are connected?”

“Well...maybe yes. There was a derailed train and we were pulled down the water. There’s really a similarity.”

“Maybe fate’s giving us a hint about our future, you know.”

“Yeah, maybe. So I think I should not ride a train? Well, I don’t really ride that anyway. And I won’t swim at the sea? I’ll really not be able to go to the beach. I don’t have money for that, you know.”

“Maybe I should not go to the train station too? You know…the railways might suddenly become a river.”

And they laugh together again. Just like how they have laughed whenever they talk together. Just like how they have had fun for their every single moment together.

They talk about more fun things after-- the comedy shows they watched, Kpop artists tripping off the stage, random jokes on the net-- not noticing that it’s almost time for them to go to the park.

 

Before the sun completely sets, they run to the bus station. Luckily, a bus arrives after few seconds of waiting. The bus runs fast and they arrive at the park just right in time. Kai’s already waiting at the entrance, holding the tickets from his backpack.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Sehun greets, his heart being warmed by the cuddle he has missed for quite a time.

“Hello, sweetie,” and for the umpteenth time of the day, Kai gives him a peck. “Come on. Let’s enter now so we can have longer time inside.”

 

Their spirits boost up with the lively environment inside. There are a lot of people, almost all of them smiling widely, talking so loud like there is no tomorrow. There are lots of colors dancing around them, bright and wild, enticing them to dance as well. Aside from the loud sound of rides' engines, there is a boisterous blast of the latest pop songs, carrying the people along with its beat. Sehun, without notice, randomly dances with the hip music, inducing Kai and Luhan to do the same.

"Yah, what are you doing?" Kai wonders. 

"I'm dancing! See?" Sehun moves with the beat, hopping and popping and locking, though he follows a beat that only exists in his mind. 

Luhan grins. Sehun's dancing gets a little more graceful this night, because whenever Sehun is having his solo concert in their apartment, he is just like a newly-escaped white monkey. He claps in awe, "Sehun, you don't dance like a monkey anymore! You dance like a gorilla now! You've leveled up!"

"Thank you!" Sehun accepts the compliment while passionately dancing (when in fact he's just jumping like a wild ape).

"What the?" Kai mischievously grumps. "I'll punch you if you won't stop."

"Okay, here," Sehun quickly halts, following his sweetie's command.

"Now, here is how you dance. Watch closely." Kai puts his hands on Sehun's shoulders, and does a body wave in front of him. First downwards from head to feet, then sideways from left to right. The beginning is soft and gentle, but as seconds fly away, waves go with the speed of light. Sehun is speechless. His eyes just get big while enjoying. 

"Yah! Don't make a scandal here!" Luhan yells.

Sehun and Kai look at him. "Oh," Kai remarks, pausing his wave. "Yes, but let me do my last wave." Then Kai resumes, and for his last strike, he will do it from his feet to the head. He starts the wave, gently, smoothly, until it ends up with another peck on Sehun.

 

After hours of ride hopping, they can already feel their stomachs growling. Feeling tired at the same time, they halt and go to the stalls to eat and rest.

“Ah! That’s so tiring!” Sehun yawns, then bites the hotdog sandwich smoking from the inside, filled with catsup and mayo lines on top.

“Yeah, so tiring,” Kai agrees, leaning his head on Sehun's arms while chewing his giant hamburger.

“But it’s so fun!” Luhan says, ignoring the two's skinship, just expressing what he feels about the breathtaking rides. Although in fact, things will be more fun if only Sehun is around. 

“Yeah right. Ohorat!" Sehun exclaims as he continues to devour. "So, what are we going to ride later?” 

“The roller coaster! Then the ferris wheel,” Kai suggests.

“Okay!” Sehun agrees.

“Ummm…Luhan?” Kai asks.

“Yes?” 

“Later at the ferris wheel, can you let us ride a gondola with just the two of us? We’re going to talk about something.”

“Oh…okay." Then Luhan thinks of something, and he inquires just to double check whether he's right or not. "Is that about…what we talked about earlier?” 

“Yes. I’m going to tell it later.”

“Wait..." Sehun gets confused with what they are talking about. He ponders for seconds, until he has finally asked. "Luhan, you know something about this?”

“Yep,” and he chuckles. 

“Oh come on! I thought we’re friends? Why are you hiding it to me?”

“Because it’s better if Kai will tell it to you first. Don’t worry, you’ll not be disappointed later.”

“Just make sure of it. Or I’ll kill you in an instant!"

 

Thumbs up for their filled tummies. So here they go, ready to have fun again! Their first ride for their next set will be the roller coaster, and so they fall in line. There are so many people that they take almost an hour before they reach its entrance gate. And when the gate has finally opened, Luhan is not able to join them. Unfortunately, he is cut off the line.

“Sir, please wait for the next turn,” the employee tells Luhan.

“Oh, but…” Watching the employee close the gate, he simply stands and keeps quiet. He sees Sehun and Kai already putting their harness while he is left there standing.

Kai notices Luhan while the employees ensure the buckles on them. “Sehun, look," he touches Sehun's hand, "Luhan is left at the gate."

Sehun looks, finding out that Luhan can't ride with them. “Luhan!”

"Oh?"

“We’ll wait for you at the exit, okay?”

“Okay!” Luhan yells back.

 

Sehun and Kai hold hands as the coaster starts to move, whooping like crazy to release their tension. They shriek so loud, pitch too high that it can't really be expected coming from them. The coaster accelerates, and it simply lets its passengers enjoy its breathtaking speed. 

Luhan watches while he waits. He sees the long blue train drive away, move up, move down its railway. The coaster is approaching the loop, and passengers shout even louder. In a split second, it begins going up the loop like a snake crawling up a circular vein.

Suddenly, the coaster's bolts loose, letting it droop from its track. The wheel assembly collapses, and before the coaster completes the loop, it falls off to the ground together with the passengers. 

Luhan has heard the deafening sound of the fallen coaster. He freezes, heart pounding too hard that he feels like being buried. The people around him get muddled, all of them creating loud noise. Everything he sees blurs as his eyes start to swell.

The emergency team runs.  Sehun and Kai are drenched in blood.

Ambulances come and they are rushed to the hospital. Luhan follows with a river of tears.

 

Luhan shudders as they are brought to the operating room. Nothing but darkness clouds his heart. Every heartbeat pounds his soul. Every second feels like eternity.

Sehun is the first to be released from the room. The operation is successful and he is transferred to the intensive care unit. Luhan looks through the glass while the nurses fix the equipment around Sehun. He wants to enter at this instant, yet he still needs to wait for the morning before he can go inside to touch him.

Kai, on the other side, remains inside. Long minutes later, a success is announced and he is brought beside Sehun’s room. Luhan watches whilst his equipment is being arranged. He stares, without knowing what to do.

“Excuse me, sir?” a nurse approaches him.

Luhan’s senses seem to die. His ears get clogged, not letting any wave pass through them. 

“Sir, excuse me,” the nurse says louder, almost shouting despite being so near to him.

If not because of the nurse's repetitive poke, he will not be able to turn to her. His eyes are covered with massive tears that he almost goes blind. His ears hear too much noise of hell that he almost goes deaf.

“Are you the patients’ relative?” the nurse asks.

Luhan is out of his mind. He looks at her, hardly trying to open his senses.

“Sir, are you the patients’ relative?” she repeats.

Hearing her dully, he answers. “No…a friend.”

“Please fill out this form. We need it for the record.”

He receives the pieces of papers. The papers are light, yet they’re too heavy on his arms.

--

 

The hospital walls restrain the morning sunlight to illuminate Luhan’s surroundings. Instead, fluorescent lights have stricken his eyes since the evening. 6:30 in the morning, thirty minutes before the visiting hour, he stays awake along the corridor with myriad beeping sounds of respirators and equipment giving artificial lives.

A doctor stands in front of him. “Excuse me, are you the friend of Oh Sehun?”

He stands up groggily, and responds, “Yes, doc. I’m his friend."

“Mr. Oh woke up around five minutes earlier. We asked him about the people he wants to visit him, but he can’t name one. We called him by his name, and he asked who Sehun was. We’re currently observing him. Maybe it’s just a short-term memory loss caused by shock. But at the worst case, it may be a retrograde amnesia.”

Luhan freezes. His ears are still trying to absorb what has just been told to him. “W...what?” 

“We’re still observing him. We’ll update you once we find something out. We also did an examination on his brain to find out if there is damage on some parts. We’ll be able to know the results later on. For now he’s awake and resting. You can visit him later.”

He stares blankly at the doctor. The doctor has left while he continues to stare at the distance. What if he forgets me? 

 

Thirty minutes later, Luhan is able to enter Sehun’s room. His heart pounds as he steps inside, and pounds even more as he gets closer, seeing Sehun with a blood-stained dressing on his temple. The fast beep of equipment rhymes with his heartbeat, while Sehun stares bluntly as he approaches. Two nurses stand at the corner, observing Sehun while they talk.

Luhan sits on the chair beside his bed. “Sehun, how are you?” he whispers.

Sehun gazes at his face for seconds. Then, he stares at the ceiling.

Thorns pierce Luhan. He can’t do anything but to drop tears. “Don’t you remember me, Sehun? I’m Luhan. I’m your best friend,” he shakes.

Sehun's eyes reflect nothing. There is no shade of disgust or loathe or anything in him.  He just commands Luhan, "Leave."

Thorns become sharper, piercing Luhan's heart deeper. He holds Sehun's hand, tight, as he tries to let him remember. “Sehun…don’t be like that. I’m Luhan…I’m your best friend since childhood."

There is no need for explanation or introduction. Sehun simply doesn't want him there. So Sehun utters, "leave."

Luhan strives to breath, gathering air to endure the stabs breaking his whole self. He tries again, “Sehun...we were together last night. Don’t you remember?” 

Sehun stares blankly, until all the things said to him are blown away. 

But Luhan disobeys. Instead of letting his hand go, he holds it tighter. “I won’t let go of your hand. You need to remember me first.”

Sehun pulls his hand from him.

Uncontrollably, Luhan sobs.“Why are you like that?” 

Sehun turns his eyes to the white ceiling. Then he closes his eyes and just sleeps.

“Sehun…don’t be like this to me. Open your eyes and try to remember me,” Luhan begs in the air, voice rickety, eyes swollen.

Sehun hears him, but just ignores. His eyes remain closed while Luhan keeps on begging.

The nurses approach Luhan, telling that it is better to leave. He wants to lose himself at that point. He wants to yell at Sehun, bang his head on the wall to let him recall, but thinking of him, he chooses to leave silently. He leaves the room with too much thorn on his heart, too much weight on his soul that he almost collapses. He cries endlessly outside, while Sehun sleeps soundly inside. He looks through the glass, needles still pricking him, wanting to enter again to let him remember. 

 

“Sir!” a nurse shouts along the corridor. Luhan turns around, seeing her running towards him. “Mr. Kim is already awake. He wants to see you. Please come quickly before the visiting hour ends."

Weeping his tears away, he hurries to Kai’s room. Inside, Luhan sees him lying, with a thick bandage on his head, as Kai smiles feebly at him. He sits on the chair beside his bed, and softly he asks, “Kai, how are you?” 

Kai tries to reach his hand, only to fail. Noticing Kai's hand, Luhan reaches for it, holding it as tight as he can. Kai, no matter how much he tries to hold Luhan's hand tight, can only grip him too loose. “Luhan,” he whispers. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Luhan answers, smiling tenderly, “I’m also glad you’re already awake.”

Kai drops a tear. Deep inside, he knows that this will be the last seconds of his life. Each piece of him is being grabbed away, his strength gradually surrendering from him. During this moment, he remembers all the memories the three of them have shared-- partying in the apartment on ocassional weekends, devouring food on restaurants, teasing each other to death, dancing at the park last night-- everything. He reminisces his memories with Sehun-- the first time they met at the mall, his confession to Sehun along the sidewalk, the sweet hugs, pecks, kisses-- everything they have had together. 

Their memories are few, and Kai needs more time with them to create more. He has never wanted things to end like this. He will still ask Sehun to live with him. Sehun will still say yes to him. He and Sehun will still have more moments together. They will still share their lives to each other until they grow old. They will still have a happy ending. 

He needs more time. One more hour. One more minute. One more second.

“Whe...re is Sehun?” Kai asks, each syllable now hardly escaping from him. 

Luhan holds him even tighter, giving him strength to fight. “He’s at the next room. He’s sleeping now.”

“Is...he okay?”

"He's okay," Luhan responds, albeit everything is going wrong. "Kai, don't talk anymore. You'll lose your strength."

Kai, although too painful to bear, shakes his head. "I...can...do this."

“Can...I see him?” he continues as fate gradually, mischievously grabs the air away from him. 

“Not now,"  Luhan replies. "Maybe tomorrow, after you've gained your strength.”

There is silence. Kai knows that tomorrow won't exist anymore. He cries, tears flooding on his pillow, and he speaks to Luhan again.

"I...should have not enticed you to go," he remarks, his tears wallowing his entire soul. "This is...all my faul..."

Luhan shakes his head. “No," he says, and a stream flows on his cheeks. "It’s an accident. It’s not your fault.”

“But...”

“No. Don’t blame yourself. No one wanted this to happen.”

“I’m sor...ry.”

"No...no."

" I'm...sorry, I'll break...my promises."

"Kai, don't talk. Just rest, I'll be here. Don't talk, please."

“I prom..." Kai persists, "...mised to take...care...of him. I’ll...break it.”

“Stop talking. Stop talking, I beg you.”

“But..." Kai continues, ignoring Luhan's request. "I...won't...break the...other two.”

Luhan weeps. Kai is too stubborn; he will lose his strength. He keeps on asking him to stop, but Kai refuses to. He shakes, because the thought of losing Kai is so much to bear. Kai has paid all Luhan’s heavy debts on the bank without asking for any return. Kai has listened to all his random thoughts and rants through the phone. Kai has always been thoughtful, always asking how they are doing. Kai is a sturdy arm to lean on, the person who has offered himself during their most difficult times. A trustworthy man whom he can share his deepest secrets with, the person who has always been there for them.

Albeit being the man who has captured Sehun's heart, he is still Kai, a friend that he does not want to lose. 

“I promised...I’ll...love...him forever," Kai whispers, smiling as wide as he can while gasping for air. "Don’t worry, I’ll still...love him." 

"Kai, please...please..."

"I promised, I’ll never...leave him alone." He struggles, shaking as he fights so hard. "I’ll leave him to you."

“No…no…”

“Luhan, promise me. You’ll...continue to love...him. You'll....never leave him..."

Kai waits for an answer. Yet, he can only see tears from Luhan. He asks again, wanting an affirmation. "Luhan, do...you promise?”

Luhan shivers, because Kai is shaking too much. "No...no..." He lets go of Kai's hand, and runs to the nurses' station. 

 

When Luhan has come back, a high-pitched sound has already dominated the room, and a green flat line has stricken his eyes. The doctors rush, surrounding Kai to do all they can, but it has just lead to nothing. 

Kai has fought. He did not want to die. He did not want to leave Sehun. But with destiny’s wish of death for him, nothing can be done anymore. Fate has grabbed all air away from him. And no matter how much he has fought, no matter how much he has forced to live, he has not been able to break fate’s decision. His heart has stopped beating, and his soul already floats to the heaven.

While the blanket covers Kai in permanent darkness, Luhan whispers, "I promise, my friend."