Chapter 5 I Can’t Take It

    Jimin watched for several days as Kookie stared listlessly at TaeHyung and Tae go between awkwardness and silence. It was obvious that both of them were completely in turmoil and thinking deeply. He observed them for days, watching the magnae watch his best friend with sad and needy eyes while Tae tried his hardest not to look at the younger boy but whenever no one was around he’d almost reach out to touch JungKook, but he couldn’t do it. Something was holding him back but Jimin knew that if the singer finally did made contact their magnae would be a lot happier. It was strange because as much as the little brunette wanted to, he gave Tae space as well. There were moments when he thought that Kookie might have broken through his worries and finally grabbed the one he liked but it was as if they both knew the effect that would have on Tae. He was already conflicted enough. The little dancer didn’t know what to do. If he helped then JungKook would go to TaeHyung but if he didn’t then both of them would continue to suffer. Would he have to see the child go through giving up again? Would the happy boy that he could his best friend say quiet and sullen as he was now? This was more painful than the years he’d spent waiting.

TaeHyung watched the cars pass as the cool breeze brushed his skin and filled his lungs. After days of mulling it over in his head he had decided to push his feelings away. He had decided to ignore it. He couldn’t imagine hurting Jimin the way that he’d watched JungKook hurt, and even if Kookie felt the same he could go to Jimin. He could run to Jimin and they’d both be happy… right? The pain in his chest had grown so large that he was starting to feel numb and the numbness was taking over. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t excited, he didn’t feel like doing anything but sleep, but that was the price he was willing to pay for their happiness. Even if the pain lasted a thousand years and he suffocated from the numbness, he could pay it. He would pay any price for their happiness. The cool morning air that brushed his skin helped him cool down each morning. It was hard and his conviction wavered any time that he laid eyes on the beautiful brunette that shared a room with him. Any time that he saw the kid he could only think about his head resting on his best friend’s shoulder, how painful it was for him, and how happy a moment it was for Jimin. It was all he could do not to cry. He was avoiding Kookie and it was a hard feet when he could feel the other boy’s eyes on him, watching him. For a while, Jimin had smothered Tae with affection but it became too hard to handle so he’d asked for some space for a while. Just until he could cool off… Of course he hadn’t told his best friend why. How could he?

Once he’d finally gone inside JungKook caught his eye and so the older boy immediately fled to studio. He ran away and he had to continue to run, no matter how hard it was, no matter how much of his body screamed in protest or how much his heart crushed with every action. No matter how many times other members brought up that he was acting weird. It was too hard to stay away when he was in the younger boy’s presence. He wanted to touch him, to make him smile, to love him… but he could never betray his best friend. Jimin was all that he had when they started. His first friend within the company and the only person who he had always felt comfortable with. The person he trusted most. He hoped that Jimin could still trust him too.

    JungKook watched the beautiful TaeHyung from afar, he wanted nothing more than to reach out to him. His beautiful pools of dark chocolate colored eyes were wrought with conflict and it really did hurt to see him that way. It was worse than before, JungKook couldn’t control his heart anymore and it pained to reach out to the older boy. It raced when Tae simply looked at him and when he smiled Kookie had to leave the room. He was trying his hardest to give the other boy space and also to consider what the leader had asked. It was hard. No matter what he’d tried he wanted nothing more than to reach out to Tae. The older boy was quiet these days and spent a lot of time out on the balcony, staring into the streets. The magnae would watch him from the inside, watch his face turn pink in the cool hair, and his pretty hair gently shift in the wind. It was just too much and Kookie caught himself reaching out for the older boy, even with the leader’s question swirling in his mind. Even after so much thought he couldn’t let go of his feelings. He knew the answer. He knew that his feelings this time were different. His feelings for TaeHyung were stronger and more intense than they had been for anyone else. Finally he approached the leader, “Can I ask for some advice?”

NamJoon neatly arranged the papers scattered around his desk before moving to the bed and calling the magnae to sit next to him. For a while they sat in silence until the elder finally asked, “You have your answer?” Kookie nodded and laid back onto the comfortable bed he’d once only wished to lay in. Right now it didn’t matter, all he could think about was TaeHyung. The leader stretched out next to him and fixed his eyes on the ceiling as he waited for his magnae to continue.

“I like him. I can’t think about anything else. I’ve never had feelings this strong before. I don’t know how to handle myself, especially when he looks sad. I don’t want to hurt him but I can’t move on, I tried.”

“Harder than you tried with me?”

Kookie almost fell off of the bed before turning to make eye contact with the man he’d had a crush on for many years, and he thought about it. NamJoon had known all of that time, it made sense. He knew everything anyway. “Much harder. I love Jimin hyung, but… not in the same way. I feel like I’m suffocating and it gets worse each time Tae hyung looks away from me. It hurts… worse than any pain I’ve ever had. No matter how I try to convince myself, I keep reaching for him.”

“So you want my permission? To like Tae?”

“I can’t ask for permission. I’m going to do it anyway… and I’m going to tell him. I just… thought I’d tell you… and maybe ask for advice.”

“I see.”

“I know that you disapprove.”

“It could make things hard for us as a group, are you prepared to take the blame for that?”

“Let me be selfish just this once and then I’ll take any blame and any punishment if it means that Tae hyung will stop avoiding me. If he doesn’t return my feelings… I’ll leave him alone, I’ll pretend and we can go back to the way we once were.”

“Can you do that?”

“I would do anything to make Tae hyung happy.”

“Even leave him alone forever?”

“If that’s what it takes.” JungKook answered immediately. He’d thought of that. He knew that there was no guarantee that the older boy would return his feelings, in fact he was prepared to be rejected, and he was prepared for the leader to ask him to leave the group. He would do anything he needed to do to make Tae happy… after he’d told him. He couldn’t live any longer without telling him. NamJoon let out a sight and then looked back to the ceiling, silence by his thoughts. Hobi burst into the room and chatted at them happily for a while before catching on to the situation and wandering off to the room that Tae, Jiminie, and Kookie shared to play. Finally the leader stretched and sat back up, looking down at a worried magnae. “Then tell him, but wait until the right time. Don’t tell him with people around. Find some alone time for the two of you… I’ll do my best as your hyung.” That was an answer that the younger boy hadn’t expected. His respected and perfect leader was siding with him, or at least backing him up. The younger boy felt relief wash over him as he closed his eyes, feeling little wet droplets well on the edges. It was like a weight had been lifted… but he still had a long way to go. He had to tell Tae.

For almost a month TaeHyung had managed to escape the grasp of the youngest member even though Kookie had been going out of his way to corner the older boy. He had to resist, for Jimin. At night he’d wander out to the balcony while the others played inside and while he was lost in his thoughts, staring into the streets, the others would fall asleep. It had been this way for a couple of weeks now. It was too hard to fall asleep in that room, he’d even been sleeping on the couch. This time, while he stared into the streets, someone joined him on the balcony. He turned at the sound to meet large bunny eyes with a desperate expression. For a moment, Tae panicked, but he managed to calm himself down and turn back to the street. He would just ignore the magnae since the boy had managed to block the door and he couldn’t get away. “Tae Hyung” Kookie said softly and his voice sent chills down the older boy’s spine, but he kept quiet. “Hyung” the younger boy tried again but TaeHyung was determined not to give in. He’d come so far.

“Go away, JungKook.” he told the younger boy. After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Tae turned around. Surely Kookie had gone in by now, but when he turned he found the magnae, shoeless and coatless shivering behind him. His milky cheeks had changed to pink and his lips were turning an unsettling purple. Immediately Tae hurried to the boy, taking his own coat off to wrap him up and clasping the boy’s face in his hands to heat it. “Why don’t you have a coat??” he demanded before trying to pull the younger boy inside. Kookie resisted and clung onto Tae’s shirt.

“Why?” Kookie begged, “why won’t you even look at me? What I have done?” For the first time in what seemed like ages, TaeHyung looked at the child. He took in the younger boy’s unbelievably beautiful face, creamy skin, and slender collar. He’d almost forgotten how beautiful the other boy was. Almost. JungKook’s big beautiful eyes were rimmed red with dark circles underneath, he’d been crying. Why? Shouldn’t he have gone to Jimin? Shouldn’t it have gone like last time where Kookie gets over it easily? “Hyung, what can I do?” The younger boy begged, clinging onto his shirt and the tears began to well. It floored him and before his thoughts could keep up TaeHyung pulled the boy into his arms and held him while the magnae shook and sobbed into his shirt, he couldn’t even feel the coolness of the wind anymore, or the numbness in his chest. He only felt the boy’s touch, his frame shaking in his arms, the warmth of his tears and his breath combining on his chest. The younger boy called his name over and over again while he cried and Tae squeezed him and his head. “Let’s go inside” Tae noted softly, sure that everyone was asleep now.

“No!” Kookie snapped desperately, “No! We have to… You’ll go away again…”

“I won't. I won't go anywhere, but you’re going to freeze out here.” Tae reassured him, pulling away to wipe the dampness from his cheeks. The younger boy looked up with wide, teary eyes and Tae, at least, knew there was no way he could leave him in this situation. He couldn’t go anywhere even if he tried. There was no escape, his heart wouldn’t let that happen. It seemed to convince the younger boy who finally allowed himself to be pulled inside. TaeHyung had been right and everyone else had either gone to sleep or left for studio. No lights, no sound other than JungKook’s barely controlled breaths and their sifting as the younger boy desperately refused to let go of Tae’s shirt. They made it to the couch and sat, huddled together while the older tried to convince his frozen magnae to allow him to move away, just long enough to make him something hot to drink. It took a while, but Tae relinquished his cellphone as a promise that he’d be right back. He made hot tea for each of them and returned to his seat only after making the tea and finding a spare blanket to wrap around the still shivering boy. They sat in silence for a while until Kookie finally spoke, “Hyung, why are you avoiding me? Am I that bad?”

“No.” TaeHyung replied honestly, “I’ve just been… preoccupied.”

“I know, but you always run away from me. Why is it just me?”

“I… I can’t…” Tae let himself trail off. He couldn’t say. He couldn’t tell Kookie that he’d been avoiding him because he liked him, a lot, and that could mean the end of his most cherished friendship.

“Is it because of Jimin hyung?”

Tae froze. Yes.

“It is, isn’t it? Because Jimin hyung likes me.”

Yes.

“And I have been showing more affection to you.”

Please…

“And it makes him sad.”

It does.

“Because you two are really close friends.”

We are.

“But hyung… I don’t like Jimin hyung like that.”

“Why not?” Tae finally asked and the younger boy was quiet for a while.

“I tried, but I couldn’t do it. I know that it would be best but… my heart wouldn’t change.”

Change? From what?

“I like someone else, hyung.”

“What?”

“I like someone else.”

“You…” he trailed off again and stared at the boy looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes, his lips were finally turning back to a pretty pink and before he could stop himself, Tae reach a hand out to touch the other boy’s cheek. Once his mind caught up he pulled away and played it off as if he was checking how cool the boy was. He fidgeted around and tightened the blanket around the pretty brunette, avoiding the younger boy’s eyes as best he could. “Maybe I should make you some more tea…” he noted and started to shuffle around. If Kookie did like someone… Tae didn’t want to know. He didn’t want to hurt anymore, he was finally numb…

“Don’t change the subject.” Kookie replied in a forceful tone as he caught TaeHyung’s arm and pulled him to face each other again. “Don’t change the subject because I need this. I need you to know.” Tae tried to pull away but Kookie had always been strong and held him there firmly. “I won’t let you go again. You promised.” Once he’d met the younger boy’s eyes again he was entranced and so he nodded slowly as a response. Kookie’s eyes weren’t teary anymore. They were determined… and desperate. They were burning holes into Tae’s soul. “Hyung, the person that I like” the younger boy started again and Tae felt his heart jump into his throat… or was that bile, “is…” the younger boy paused and looked away anxiously before tightening his grip on Tae, “Stay until the end. Listen until the end, no matter what okay?” Tae nodded. “Promise me, hyung, that you’ll stay and listen to the end. No matter what.”

“I-I promise” Tae stuttered in response. He couldn’t escape anyway, not if Kookie would cry again.

“The person I like is.. It’s hyung… It’s you. I like you, a lot.” A rush of emotions crashed through Tae and he forgot to breath, wondering if this was real, the younger boy’s face flushed pink again and he sped through more, “I like you so much that it’s all that I think about. It’s all that I want but you keep moving further away. I know that it’s because of Jimin hyung, and I thought you would be happier if I could change my heart and like Jimin hyung but I can’t. I tried and I just can’t. I tried everything. I even asked NamJoon hyung for advice. I know that you may not feel the same way and that my feelings could just be a burden on you but I had to. I had to tell you. I had to let you know. You’re all that I see… all that I want. It drives me crazy. If you don’t feel the same I won’t pressure you. Tell me and I’ll back off. I’ll pretend like I don’t and things can, at least, go back to how they were. I’m okay with just being friends if that’s how it has to be but I can’t handle you avoiding me anymore. Just tell me and I’ll pretend. I can fake it well, I promise. Please don’t avoid me anymore… please” He was back to tears and Tae just stared at him, trying to sort everything out in his mind. After several minutes of silence broken by soft sobbing as Kookie tried to catch his breath and his thoughts, he mumbled. “I’m even prepared to leave the group if it will bring back the happy, free Tae that I fell for.”

“Dont!” Tae suddenly demanded, “Don’t you dare leave. I’ll never forgive you… please… please don’t leave.” He grabbed the younger boy by the face so that they could make eye contact and he could read the boy’s desperate eyes. The thought of Kookie leaving sent distress signals all throughout TaeHyung’s body and he couldn’t let that happen. Ever. The younger boy stared back into his eyes in shock and Tae gently brushed the tears off of his face. “You can’t leave…” he told him again and Kookie nodded softly.

“Hyung…” Kookie breathed, “I may be overstepping my boundaries… and I may be wrong… but… do you… do you like me too?” He held eye contact with Tae while he asked and the older boy’s breath caught again. He should say no. He should… but he couldn’t deny it anymore. Once again he found JungKook’s lips and this time, he fell into the urge and slowly moved towards them. He wanted it so badly that he couldn’t talk, breath, or even think. He wanted it so badly that he would give up the entire world for it. Kookie didn’t move away and his eyes never left his hyungs. They were so close they could feel each other’s breath on their lips, a gentle tingle that left electricity in the air and made their hair stand on end. Suddenly the lights flickered on and the two of them yanked apart. Kookie’s eyes found the person who’d caught them and Tae, who had nearly lost his mind, stared at the floor with his mind in chaos. They were so close. The feeling of the younger boy’s breath on his lips still lingered and still sent fireworks through his body. It was too much, he was overloading. “What are you two doing?” came an all too familiar voice and Tae snapped back to reality to look at the boy in the doorway. Jimin, in his pajamas, stood there staring at them. The three of them sat in silence for a minute before the little dancer made an exhausted noise and marched their way. Tae tense up and watched, in fear, as his friend got closer. It’s okay, if he got hit he deserved it. He definitely deserved it. He braced himself and waited as Jimin got close… too close. The short boy pushed Tae back into the couch and JungKook hopped up to push him away but before either of them could react the dancer’s lips were against Tae’s. Thick, warm, aggressive lips that pressed so hard they bruised him. A tongue that pried his mouth open and forced it’s way in heavy and demanding against the other boy’s. The dancer had even wrapped a firm hand around the back of his neck so that he couldn’t move away It was sloppy, messy and Tae was in complete shock, gasping for air, as his friend finally pulled away and a string of saliva left a trail between them. There was dead silence for a moment before he turned around and grabbed Kookie by the face and placed a kissed on his lips too. This one was softer, gentler, and sadder but no less passionate. Jimin pulled away and started to walk away but stopped at the door, “Now I’ve stolen both of your first kisses.” he told them without turning around, “I’ve stolen that, so you two… you two can steal each other. My best friend, and my first love. I’ll let you… and just take this as payment. Just wait a while to… to show me… let me heal a little.” He left the room, and left the two boys in shock, staring where he once stood.