First Christmas

 

I slowly trace my finger in gentle circles round your as I study your makeup-less features.

 

The slope of your perfect nose,

 

the little wrinkles you have at the sides of your eyes that you get from that beautiful smile of yours,

(stop showing your eye smile to everyone. That belongs to me.)

 

the fullness of your beautiful lips,

 

the contour of your cheekbones,

 

the cute expression you have when you’re asleep.

(I especially love the way your mouth hangs open)

 

 

---

 

 

Who knew things would turn out the way they did. A lonely, empty grinch bumping into a jolly caroller with way too much enthusiasm to spare. I will never forget that priceless look on your face when I told you that I didn’t believe in the Christmas spirit. From that moment on, you somehow made it your resolution to barge into my life and make a mess out of it. It’s ok though, I like the mess you made.

 

You managed to muster up the patience to break my layers. How did that quote from Shrek go again?  

 

“Ogres are like onions, we have layers.” I whisper with a smirk as I start to reminisce about the beginning of our relationship.  

 

Was I the ogre or onion though?

 

Did I make you cry tears of frustration like onions do when I refused to let you in? Or was it the way I treated you that caused me to seem like a frightening ogre to you? Looking back on it now, I really was a pain, I would have given up on me if I were you. Either way, I’m just really glad that you put up with me, layers and all.

 

Then again, I’m not sure if it was your patience or your stubbornness that pulled you through the entire ordeal. I’m pretty sure I caught you wanting to punch me a couple of times before. No one said that I couldn’t stubborn too.

 

I really can’t stand that stubbornness of mine sometimes. When I first met you, I refused to listen to any of the Christmas carols you sung: I could’ve heard your beautiful singing voice sooner if I hadn’t been such a grouch. Maybe I would have fallen for you sooner too.

 

I really do feel... for you. There are times when I fall even deeper.

 

When you’re annoyed, you tend to wrinkle your nose,

 

when your face literally lights up whenever you burst out in laughter,

(not to mention the way you clap your hands like a child)

 

when your eyes grow larger while you nod when you really agree with something,

 

when you do your silly dances and force me to follow along,

 

when you sulk,

 

when you smile,

 

when you’re in my arms,

 

when you’re mine.

 

Oh no, when did I become such a sap. What have you done to me? This feeling growing in my chest, threatening to leap out of my throat. It’s so foreign but I don’t hate it.

 

 

---

 

 

This would be the first time I have a proper Christmas celebration, with a huge Christmas tree and everything. I even learned how to make a Christmas dinner with slices of roast beef, stuffed turkey and everything else. I could have settled for some seafood ramyun instead but might as well get out of my comfort zone and celebrate the season with a bang. The things you do to me.

 

Next thing you know I’ll be dressing up as Santa Claus for our kids. Wait, kids? We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I can’t even get myself to say the L-word yet, much less shoulder the responsibility of adopting another lifeform.

 

Why can’t I say it back to you? I want it to be meaningful, I want you to know how serious I am about you. I feel so much towards you but I can’t even get myself to say it out loud, pathetic. The look in your eyes whenever you say “I love you” is so precious, it always gives me a heartache whenever I see the slight disappointment in your eyes whenever I don’t say it back. I’m sorry, I really am sorry for being a coward.

 

I’m sorry I’m afraid… of my own feelings. There, I finally realised it, the sole reason I can’t say those three measly words. I’m terrified of falling in love. What am I going to do when you finally realise that I’m not good enough? What am I going to do when you leave? I’ll be left broken, again. This realisation of my feelings for you just makes it even harder to back away, to close myself off. I just can’t do that with you anymore, you’re in too deep. The thought of giving your everything to a relationship  terrifies me. Sharing every aspect of your life with someone else, will I ever be able to do that? To completely let someone in? If it’s you… then maybe.

 

The inexplicable warmth I feel whenever you’re around. You’ve become the light in my dark world. Without you… it would be the same as having no happiness as all. With you around, I feel whole, complete. I feel like I can let you in on everything I’ve experienced, everything I’ve seen. With you, it’s possible.

 

I can picture it, us.

 

Then it hits me. You’re the one. You’ve managed to turn me into such a sap, I’m cringing at my own thoughts but it’s true, I’m meant for you. If you wanted to leave, you would’ve done so the second you met me. You saw me at my worst but you stuck around and brought out my best. You, the one who dragged me out of my desolate shell into this beautiful world. The only one that deserves me at my best, my only one.

 

“I’m going to put my faith in you, I’ll give you my everything. You are… my beautiful butterfly. I love you Tiffany Hwang Mi Young.” I whispered while nuzzling the crown of her head. I gently slowly trace the words “I love you” on her back, not wanting to wake her up.

 

“Took you long enough.” You drawled out as she turned around to face me.

 

“Fany! Since when were you awake?”

 

“Since I felt a little ert started drawing circles on my back. What was that you said just now?”

 

“Stop smirking at me you fiend. IsaidIloveyou.”

 

“Excuse me, what was that? Couldn’t hear it over the names you were calling me.”

 

“What! Fiend isn’t even an insult!”
 

“Kim Tae Yeon.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“See? Wasn’t that better? Loud and clear.”

 

“Hmph”

 

You took my face into your hands and started to lean in.

 

“I love you too, my pretty flower”

 

As cliche as it may sound, the moment we kissed, fireworks went off, literally.

 

“Oh, I almost forgot. Merry Christmas love.”

 

“Merry Christmas. Now I want my presents!” I giggled as I pulled you in for another deep kiss. This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

 

AN: Merry Christmas everyone! Have some joyful fluff during the holidays! Hope you’ve enjoyed it. Happy Holidays!

 

TIll Next Time :)