Chapter 8

Donghae cracked his eyes opened one at a time. It was dark and gray with lights only coming from the window that showed the porch and the sliding doors next to the piano. Lifting his head, Donghae moaned as he felt how stiff his neck was. He blinked and only then he realized he had been sleeping while seated on the sofa. Rubbing his left eye, he looked at the clock on the wall and scowled when it showed that it was only after four in the morning. He was not sure what woke him up, and he was not happy about it, until he got off the sofa and turned to head upstairs but stopped when he saw Hyukjae at the piano. 

Hyukjae was staring right at him, his eyes wide and his hands fumbling on his lap as he sat there on the bench, facing Donghae. His brown hair seemed to have highlights, half of his face illuminated by the light showering through the glass sliding doors. His eyes shone bright with his dark brown lens glistening like diamonds on their wedding rings. Donghae had a hard time looking away.

“Sorry.”

Donghae managed to focus on the word rather than Hyukjae’s looks, “What for?”

“Ehh… Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” Hyukjae sounded hesitating at first, but then he shrugged and turned away, placing his hands on the piano.

Donghae flicked an eyebrow up, “Aren’t you sorry for waking me up?”

Hyukjae pressed the keys, his head bobbing at the same time his finger pushed down one, “Nope. I thought about it and I think it is your fault. You slept on the sofa and not where you were supposed to. No, I have nothing to be sorry about.”

Donghae snorted as he stared at Hyukjae’s back, his mouth opened as he shook his head at how ridiculous his husband was being, “Why are you playing the piano at four in the morning, when you are supposed to be asleep?”

“It’s 4:13 in the morning. Check the clock again. And- ” Hyukjae cut himself off. Donghae noticed his shoulders sagging. Gliding his fingers from key to key, Hyukjae said, in a barely audible tune, “I can’t sleep.”

Donghae sighed. Just by listening he knew Hyukjae was pouting. He came closer and leaned against the piano, waiting for Hyukjae to look at him before he said, “Why? Not feeling at home? Want me to send you back?”

Hyukjae glared at him and slammed his hands onto the keys, “No!" Donghae reflectively turned his head and his hands clamped down on his ears at the loud, deafening sound.  "I don’t want nor need you to send me back. I don’t need to sleep with my mom constantly around me, okay?” He got off the bench and crossed his arms like a petulant child, “All I need to sleep is knowing where is the right place for me to sleep. You have never told me which one is our room, or do we really just launch on the sofa and sleep on it or on the floor?”

Donghae rolled his eyes and rubbed his neck that was still sore, “You really don’t have to get all sarcastic with me, alright?”

Hyukjae gave him a mocking smile, “Well then, Hae hyung. Why not you tell me what I want to know?”

Balling his fist and gritting his teeth at the way Hyukjae called him, Donghae said, “Upstairs, first door on your left. The bathroom is in the closet. Just go in and you’ll see a door leading to it. Your clothes – ” Donghae uncurled his hand and stared at floor, his eyes wild as he realized he was reiterating what Hyukjae had told him on his first night there after the wedding ceremony. Suddenly, he was reminded of his own words that night, before he went up the stairs. 

“Good acting just now. I bet everyone believes that we are in love, at least mildly. You are so good at being a fake.”

Donghae swallowed, feeling he could not look at Hyukjae at that moment.

“My clothes?” he heard Hyukjae urging him to finish.

Donghae cleared his out of sudden clogged throat, “On the left side. No! Right side. Your clothes are on the right side.”

From the shadow on the floor, Donghae saw Hyukjae nodded, “Okay.” 

In the quiet of the dawn, he heard Hyukjae’s footsteps as he walked toward the staircase. Donghae took one step to follow him, wanting to get back to sleep, but then he felt heavy. He could not move from where he stood. Donghae looked up and watched as the other kept moving away. He could not bring himself to go sleep on the bed with Hyukjae, not after what he knew had happened. He did not feel it would be right to make it seem as if nothing happened. Hyukjae had felt betrayed by him, disgusted even. For Donghae to act that way it would be another cut on their scarred relationship. He would be using Hyukjae’s ignorant and Donghae knew he would feel disgusted with himself.

With the heavy weight of his heart, Donghae closed the piano keys with its lid and walked back to the sofa to lie down. Just as he closed his eyes, to find sleep that he knew would hardly come, Hyukjae called out to him. Donghae sat up and looked at where Hyukjae stood on the stair.

“Hey? You’re not coming up to sleep?”

Donghae his dry lips, “No. I… Don’t think I will continue sleeping.”

“But, you lied down already,” Hyukjae scratched his head.

“Just for awhile. I have something I want to do after this. Just go.”

Hyukjae bit his lip as he nodded, “Good night, Hae hyung,” he said as he made his way upstairs.

Donghae waited until Hyukjae’s shadow was gone and he could hear the sound of a door clicking shut before he whispered, “Good night, Hyukjae.” He could not bring himself to be mad about Hyukjae calling him ‘hyung’. Not that morning, not that day. Not while he was mad at himself. 

Once again lying down on the white sofa, the thought of sleeping did not cross his mind, which was occupied by the person sleeping right above. Eventually, though, sleep overcame his overwhelming emotions and thoughts that Donghae himself could not comprehend. 

His phone alarm rang at 7:45 and Donghae felt as if he had only closed his eyes for five minutes despite it was longer. He got up and yawned, heading upstairs. He found Hyukjae still asleep in the room, blissfully ignorant about what had taken place on that same bed. Donghae averted his gaze and walked into the closet, wishing he could be just as ignorant. The thought was still swimming in his head as he bathed. 

Donghae was surprised to find that Hyukjae was nowhere in sight after he had finish gotten ready. Of course, it had been that way before the entire ordeal. But, Donghae did not expect I’m nineteen Hyukjae would be the same. With a ghost of a smile lingering on his face, Donghae went down to go have breakfast. His feet landed on the floor and he was about to head into the dining room when his eyes caught something. 

Hyukjae was in the living area, watching the telly. Involuntarily, Donghae took one step back as he stared. The heavy feeling came back to him, sagging his shoulders. His heart beating against his ribcage felt as if it was hurting him rather than helping him live. 

It was different. It was not the same. Unlike before, Hyukjae did not make him breakfast. Donghae told himself not to expect Hyukjae wishing him ‘good morning’ or sending him out of the house.

Taking a deep breath, Donghae said, “Breakfast. Come on.” He walked into the kitchen and looked for bread and cereal. He brought them to the dining area, where he found Hyukjae already seated and grinning at him. Donghae rolled his eyes, going back to the kitchen to get the milk and jam from the refrigerator. He took two plates along and sat at the table as well, nodding at the food to urge Hyukjae to start eating. They ate in complete silence with Donghae barely looking at Hyukjae and most of the time he only watched the other’s hands.

Hyukjae volunteered to wash the plates and Donghae let him while he cleared the table and keeping things where they were. Just as he heard the clunk of plates being placed in the sink, something clicked in Donghae’s head. “Hyukjae!” he ran the short distance to the sink and, just as Hyukjae pulled the tap lever, he wrapped his arms around Hyukjae’s waist and pulled him away from the water.

“What? You shocked me! What’s wrong?” Hyukjae’s back was against Donghae’s chest and he leaned back even more, starting to panic. Donghae swallowed and uncurled his arms, placing a hand on the other’s back instead before he went to the sink. He touched the running water warily only to find that it was cold and not blistering hot. He closed his eyes and sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He heard Hyukjae asked him again.

“I thought you might turn the tap the wrong way. If you turn – ”

“If you turn it to the left, it releases hot water. If you turn it to the right, it releases cold one.”

Donghae tilted his head, surprised that Hyukjae knew, “You remember?”

Scratching his head, Hyukjae shrugged, “Yeah. I don’t know. I just… know?”

Donghae nodded and made a mental note to call the doctor to ask about it. They both continued what they were about to do. 

**

Hyukjae washed the plates while his bottom lip, worrying it in his mouth. He felt tingly, especially at the place where just moments ago, a pair of arms were wrapped. His back felt pressed upon, as if something was supporting him, yet he knew that was not the case. He turned off the tap and braced himself over the sink. 

Hyukjae was confused why he felt such ways, why Donghae’s touch made him that way, when he was fully conscious of how he was feeling for L.D.H. Hyukjae knew he only loved that one boy from back then, knew he could not possibly fallen out of love since he was in too deep already. To have a change of heart for someone else would not be impossible but extremely unlikely after all those time he held on to the drawing from his crush. It would be a form of betrayal to his own heart. 

But, what made him agree on the marriage? Why did Hyukjae accepted his parents choice? He knew his mom and dad. They would not force him to do something – they were manipulative sometimes but that was their job as parents – he would not agree on. Hyukjae placed a hand on his chest, feeling his heart was beating rather unusually. Was it really his heart that agreed?

Before he could contemplate more, he heard the front door clicked closed. He realized he could not hear anymore sound from Donghae. Gasping, Hyukjae ran to the door and threw it opened. When he saw his husband had unlocked the car, he quickly jumped and practically flew in between Donghae and the car’s door. He stared at Donghae, his back leaning against the car, “Where are you going?”

Donghae looked at him, right in the eyes. His mouth was slightly agape – Oh!! His rabbit teeth looked so cute! – and he seemed to have stop breathing, but that might be just Hyukjae. His eyes were glistening like the sea, and the morning sun bathed him, glowing his porcelain skin. He swallowed – Hyukjae almost did too – and blinked a few times before he said, “Work.”

Hyukjae felt disheartened, “Oh? But why?”

“Isn’t it obvious why?”

Hyukjae grabbed Donghae’s arm, “Don’t go. Please. I don’t want to be alone in this house. I just got back, you can’t leave me.”

“No.”

Donghae pushed Hyukjae’s hands off him but he latched back on again, “Hae hyung, please.”

Hyukjae watched him rolled his eyes and snorted, “Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t go to work,” Hyukjae crossed his arms on his chest, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“No.”

“Then, no.” 

Donghae raked his hair with his fingers, “Why do you want me to stay?”

“Because…” he dragged the word out as he contemplated the answer and a moment later said, “Because I have a lot of questions that needs to be answered.” Donghae glared at him and Hyukjae just grinned while tilting his head, “Please, Hae hyung.” His husband threw his hands up and walked away, heading toward the door. Hyukjae whispered ‘Yes!’ to himself, throwing a fist in the air. 

“Ah!” Hyukjae yelped and he jumped away when suddenly the car honked, the light blinking once as it was locked. Hyukjae placed a hand on his chest and breathed through his mouth, his eyes wide. He looked at the door and saw Donghae snickering. Hyukjae saw red and stomped up the steps, “You purposely did that!” Donghae seemed to know Hyukjae plotted murder because he ran into the house, still laughing. Hyukjae chased after him. 

They ran all around the living area, running in circles around the sofa. Hyukjae climbed up the sofa and jumped over to get to Donghae, but the other ran to the dining area before Hyukjae’s hand could grab him. He threw a cushion toward where Donghae was but missed. Hyukjae was yelling ‘Yah!’ all the while as he ran after his husband. They ran back to the living area and Donghae fumbled with the sliding’s door locks for a moment, giving enough time for Hyukjae to catch up. Just as Donghae took a step on the grass, he was tackled to the ground, face first, with Hyukjae landing next to him.

Hyukjae was laughing, his frustration dissipated all the way as the chasing progressed. It was just fun. He pushed himself off and climbed over Donghae before turning his husband onto his back, bracing himself with hands that he placed next to Donghae’s head. Both of them were breathless as they lost themselves in each other’s gaze. Hyukjae felt genuine happiness sipping and passing through them. He knew he was grinning, gums and teeth, and he was sure the corners of Donghae’s lips were lifted even if at just the smallest fraction.

Hyukjae brushed off the grasses that had stuck on Donghae’s face. He let his fingers ran lightly on his husband features, caressing the soft skin, just to know what it would feel like for him externally and internally. Gradually, his grin turned into a smile and his eyes followed where he was in contact with Donghae. Hyukjae’s finger brushed against Donghae’s lips – very kissable lips – to wipe off a single grass, unconsciously his own lips. Realizing what he had just thought, Hyukjae gulped as he felt his face getting hotter by the second. He grinned and patted Donghae’s cheeks before he slid down and lied next to him.

Minutes passed in silence, both of them facing the sky with their eyes closed, their hands on their chests. Every time either of them moved, the grass crunched. Birds could be heard tweeting, the wind blowing their hair and rustling the leaves on trees. But, out of all the soothing nature sounds that surrounded them, Hyukjae focused only on two things; his beating heart and Donghae’s breathing that still sound quite irregular, yet, it kept him at peace and calm.

The tranquility was disturbed when the doorbell rang. Hyukjae opened his eyes and glared at the sky. The doorbell rang again and Hyukjae hit the ground with his fists and restless legs, “Aish!”

“I’ll get it.”

Hyukjae leaned on his arms and elbows, sitting up half way to watch Donghae got up and walked into the house. He dropped back on the ground, his hair splayed out and a gentle smile upon his lips. He whispered to himself, “So that’s how it feels like to have a husband.”

He chuckled by himself before he got off the ground and went inside. He found Donghae standing by the door, talking to someone with a black hair and shouldering a casual bag. Hyukjae fidgeted when suddenly, their attentions were solely on him. 

Unsure what would be the right thing to do, Hyukjae waved at them with a friendly smile, “Hi.”

“Hyukjae hyung.” The boy walked fast to him, taking off his bag and leaning it behind the sofa along the way, and he enveloped Hyukjae in a hug, “I was worried. The police officers came and interrogated all of us at the restaurant and I couldn’t go see you at the hospital,” the boy leaned back and Hyukjae felt his genuine care for him in his sharp gaze. Abruptly, the arms around Hyukjae were removed and the boy took a step back, gaping, “I… I’m sorry. I forgot what your mom told me about your condition. I’m – ”

“Myungsoo. You’re Myungsoo,” Hyukjae shocked himself when he blurted out the name. He caught a glimpse of surprised on Donghae’s – who was across the room - face too.

The boy – Myungsoo – seemed to be content of it, “You remember?”

Hyukjae shrugged, “You’re my…” he dragged the word, thinking hard about it, “Junior?”

Myungsoo hummed while he nodded enthusiastically, “If you look at it from one way. I’m just glad you remember me.” He went in for another hug and Hyukjae returned it.

“You’re my friend.”

They all sat in the living area, Hyukjae sitting on one side of the white sofa, Donghae on the furthest end of the other side and Myungsoo sat on the armchair closest to Hyukjae. Donghae did not seem to want to be part of the conversation, though.

“How is it going?” asked Myungsoo.

“It’s fine, I think. I’ve only been back to this house for one night.”

Myungsoo cleared his throat, “Has he been… helpful to you?” He nodded toward Donghae.

Hyukjae looked between them and he chuckled, despite feeling something he did not remember was going on as the atmosphere turned somewhat awkward. He placed a hand on Donghae’s shoulder, “Him? Hae hyung has been a big help. He even stayed with me when I was at the hospital and at my parents’ house.”

His hand was pushed away, “Yah,” Donghae cocked an eyebrow as he looked at Hyukjae.

“What?”

“You have to call me that when we have a guest?”

Hyukjae shrugged, “Either there is a guest or no guest, you are still hyung. It doesn’t change that fact.”

“You’re just trying to annoy me.”

“Ha ha ha ha,” Hyukjae laughed mockingly, “Exactly. I have nothing better to do aside than annoying you. Good observation, Hae hyung.” Donghae threw his hands up and looked away, sighing.

Hyukjae turned to Myungsoo, who he heard snickering, “You are cute, Hyukjae hyung. I don’t deny.” Hyukjae grinned.

“Is cute good?”

“It… depends, I guess.”

Nodding, Hyukjae pointed at Donghae, “It’s good when with him. He likes it when I act cute.” He then expectantly looked at his husband, waiting for his reaction.

Donghae snorted and closed his eyes, throwing his head back. He sighed before he turned to Hyukjae, “I never said that.”

“Hae hyung, you don’t have to say it. I know,” he patted Donghae’s lap while he placed a hand on his own chest. “Oh, anyway, why aren’t you making drinks?”

“Why should I?”

Hyukjae pulled his hand back, “We have a guest.”

Donghae crossed his arms and shrugged, “So?”

“Don’t you know how to treat a guest? 

“He is your guest, not mine. He came to see you, not me.”

Hyukjae squinted his eyes and jutted his bottom lip out, “You are unbelievable,” he looked at Myungsoo, “I’ll go see what I can throw into a cup for you.” He got up and stomped away, heading to the kitchen.

** 

“Actually, I do come to see you too, Mr Donghae.”

Donghae eyed Myungsoo as he heard him addressing him. From the moment Donghae had opened the front door, he could feel a cold wall surrounding the man, and it was dedicated to him. It was impermeable only for Donghae. Myungsoo’s intense gaze had warned Donghae of many things on the first look. Donghae was not sure why, but even the most dense people could see that Myungsoo hated him at a certain degree. He did not dare nor want to touch deeper than the surface, opting to stay quiet and only returned the look with a brow lifted. Turning to face him better, Donghae asked, “Really? Why is that?”

“To be sure you have not add more salt to the wound.”

Somehow, they agreed to keep their voices low. Donghae leaned back against the sofa, his head tilted, “I don’t really enjoy guessing. So, enlighten me and be straight about it.”

Myungsoo propped his elbows on his legs, his fingers intertwined as he slanted forward, “I know what you had done to him. I don’t care if you did it while you were drunk or fully conscious. All you know and realize is that you had done it. But I am the one who knows how hurt he was. I know how broken you made him feel, how you shattered him.”

Donghae gritted his teeth, “I did not know. Why would anyone think I purposely want to do that? And why would he be so hurt? If he told you about what happened then he must have told you how our relationship was. I never gave him hope or anything. I never said that I never slept with anyone before.”

“You shouldn’t have gotten drunk with someone else. That was you looking for trouble, how could you deny you didn’t do it on purpose? And how could he have known that you have been sleeping with some people before? He had faith in you as his husband. He trusted you to hold to that binding contract of marriage between you two,” Myungsoo snorted, “You don’t even have enough dignity and pride in yourself to actually be loyal.”

Donghae was seething, “Slept, not sleeping. Before, not now. Ever since I was chained in this marriage, I had not once have with anyone. You don’t know how much I value my dignity and pride. You don’t know me.”

Myungsoo shook his head and gave him a lopsided smile, “Chained? That’s what you have been feeling? Let me tell you this, Mr Donghae,” the traces of any sort of smile was gone from his face, and he whispered harshly, “You don’t deserve him. Not when you think that way. Not after what you did, involuntarily or not. He doesn’t remember it now, he doesn’t remember how disgusted he felt toward your action. But, he will sooner or later. Until then, I beg you to keep your hideous side to yourself and treat him well. This is your only chance to redeem yourself, to make the guilt feels more bearable. Once he remembers, you will be ran out of time.”

Donghae looked away and blinked profusely, feeling his lips trembling, “Then, does he deserves me?” It was his last surge of ego, he knew. He could not stop himself from saying anything, used to not being talk over.

“No, he doesn’t deserve you. He deserves better.”

Donghae felt his eyes burning as he stared at Myungsoo. 

“Okay! I made tea and it is sweetened to perfection,” Hyukjae walked in with a tray that had only two cups and saucers along with the teapot. He placed the tray onto the coffee table and poured the tea for himself and Myungsoo. He smirked when he looked at Donghae, “You’re not a guest. You live here. So, go take your own cup.” 

Donghae had never been more glad to get away. He got out through the back door when he felt his car’s remote was in his pocket. He drove out, no destination in mind. He was not sure where he was heading, but, he kept driving. He ended up at a deserted land. There was no grass, no road, not a single soul. Just dirt. Donghae got off his car and leaned against it.

He understood what Myungsoo was telling him even before he was told. He knew he had hurt Hyukjae, despite not knowing to what extent. He knew he was wrong. He knew, once Hyukjae would remember everything, his time would be up. He did not know when that time would come, how soon, how late. But, Donghae had felt he was running out of time constantly, especially when his emotions were in total chaos.

His own heart was torn. He felt guilt, he felt burdened. He felt as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. At the same time, when he was with Hyukjae, he felt light, he felt as if he could glide and fly. He felt loved. He felt as if he wanted to be stuck in the moment. They were contrasting, everything was. He was running out of time, he would never have enough time. He could not live in guilt while at the same time wanting love, all from the same person. He would never have enough time to rid the guilt of himself, and so he would never have enough time to get love. 

Donghae sighed as he felt a hot tear ran down his cheek, “Was this how you felt? Was this why you left? Because there was no hope?” he asked, staring up at the sky. His lips were trembling and as time passed, he could taste the salty tears that ran over his lips. He placed the back of his hand against his mouth, trying to muffle his own sobs. He felt his throat clogged up, he felt his stomach plummeted down, and his heart was sinking as well. After some time, his sobs turned to harsh hiccups that shook his entire body. 

Gradually, he calmed down enough to get into his car. He wiped the tears with the back of his hands before he cleared his throat and headed home. Noticing that it was lunch time, he stopped by a shop to get food for himself and Hyukjae. When he arrived home, he had not expect to see Hyukjae sitting on the top step leading to the house door. But indeed, Hyukjae was there. 

Donghae got out of his car and Hyukjae stood up. As his husband was blocking the way, Donghae stopped and used all what was left of his pride to look at Hyukjae.

“Why didn’t you tell me before you left?” There was no trace of I’m nineteen Hyukjae in his posture when he spoke. No childishness, no dragging, no whining. His voice was deep and low, no anger but clearly not pleased. Donghae felt both terrified and hopeful that Hyukjae might have remembered everything. It was goodbye between them if he did and at the same time the heavy feeling would be lifted.

“I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“So you think it’s better to leave me worried?” Hyukjae’s voice shook. Donghae only then noticed how red his eyes were and there were tears threatening to fall. “You left me. You left me for hours.”

A tear slid down and Donghae quickly covered Hyukjae’s cheek with his hand, wiping the tear off. He caused the spill of the tear. He could not help thinking how much more hurt he had brought to Hyukjae. Arms were suddenly wrapping and dragging him closer. Immediately, Donghae caressed Hyukjae’s hair as he placed his head on Donghae’s shoulder.

“You left me like that and I thought you were mad at me. That I hurt you with my words. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for acting that way. I thought you wouldn’t come back.”

With every tremble that course through Hyukjae’s body as he cried, Donghae felt his heart cracking, “No, I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.” 

“Promise?” Donghae nodded and they went inside, Hyukjae still in his embrace. He led him to the dining area and they sat down together. Donghae opened the lunch boxes and placed one in front of him, and the other in front of Hyukjae. The atmosphere turned into a comfortable silence between as they ate, Donghae keeping an eye on Hyukjae who still shook sometimes.

“Don’t change okay. I am not mad at the way you act. You were right, I like it.”

Hyukjae looked at him and swallowed his food before he said, “I know. I’m always right.” He tried to smile and Donghae gladly returned it.

That night, when Hyukjae was about to go up to the room and sleep, he asked Donghae to come up too. He refused, saying he would come up later. But, he never did, until it was morning again. Donghae could not bring himself up, Myungsoo’s word ringing in his ears in addition to what Hyukjae had said to him before. 

Disgusted.

Deep inside Hyukjae, he felt disgusted toward Donghae. 

His thoughts kept Donghae awake almost all night. He knew he was getting too comfortable with Hyukjae right now. He was getting too deep. There seemed to be no exit from it, though. His heart could not take it if he were to treat Hyukjae badly, not to mention the number of people that would chop his head off. If only Hyukjae would never remember again, Donghae thought wishfully. If only Hyukjae would never remember how they were before, what Donghae had done, how Donghae had treated him. If only…

Donghae knew he was being selfish for wishing such a thing. But the thought soothed him, giving him a glimmer of hope.

He slept on the sofa again and woke up at the same time. A headache was building up due to the lack of sleep and the inevitable stressful thoughts. He went up to the room to get ready, intending to go to his gallery. Glad to see Hyukjae still sleeping, he slipped into the closet as quiet as he could. Even after the quick, hot shower, the pounding in his temples did not go away. Instead, it seemed to be intensified. He went down and prepared the table for Hyukjae’s breakfast. He hastily looked for a pen and paper to leave a note for Hyukjae, remembering what had transpired when he left without telling in the midst of his headache.

When all was set, he headed for the door, but then someone stopped him.

“Hae hyung, where are you going?”

Donghae looked at Hyukjae who was coming down the stairs with his eyes wide awake, “Work.”

Hyukjae sighed with full exasperation, “We talked about this yesterday. Don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. You have to stay with me. I have a lot of questions, remember?”

Donghae sighed, his fingers massaging his temples, “Not today, okay? No questions today. I need to go. I’ll have someone send you lunch later if I couldn’t send it myself.” He walked to the door and grabbed his keys from the small table.

“Can’t you take me somewhere? I’m bored, doing nothing in this house. You won’t even be around,” Hyukjae came closer and Donghae faced him again while his hand grabbed the door’s handle.

Closing his eyes, Donghae asked, “Where?”

“Anywhere. Somewhere we have been together. Somewhere… that can help me remember.”

Donghae grounded his teeth together until it hurt, “Why?”

Hyukjae chuckled, he would have sounded nervous if Donghae had listened closer, “What do you mean, why?”

“Why do you want to remember?” Donghae had not meant to yell it out, but, as the clock ticked, he grew more pressured and pained, “Why do you want to remember so much? Why is it that remembering is so important?” his eyes were burning as he stared at Hyukjae, “Why can’t you just forget?”

Hyukjae was gaping at first, then he furrowed his brows and raised his voice, “I need to remember! It’s not I want but I need to! How can you want me to forget? You want me to forever live as if I’m lost? To forever live with questions that I don’t have answers to? You want to know why I want to remember so much?”

“Yes! Tell me! Because I don’t see why you need to remember. It makes no difference!”

“Because I need to know why I chose to marry you! Why you? Why I agreed to spend my life with you like this? Why do those pictures,” he pointed to where their wedding pictures were hung but Hyukjae’s teary eyes never left Donghae’s, “exist? I need to know or I can never accept this reality! I need to know so I can accept you! It makes a huge difference. I am missing something, a big piece of me is missing. You are supposed to help me find it. Why do you not want to?” 

Hyukjae was pleading him and Donghae could not look at those eyes any longer. He opened the door and left, shutting with full force. He got into his car and drove to his gallery as fast as he could. It was just 8:40 when he got there.

He sat there in his car, his hands gripping the steering tight until his knuckles turned white. The words ‘I hurt him’ were playing in his mind on repeat like a mantra. He hit the steering hard with his palm. He hurt Hyukjae again. Again and again. Why did he even say anything without thinking? Why did he say all that out loud when even a kid could realize that those thoughts were not meant to be told? Donghae did not know if he could face Hyukjae later. 

All day, at his studio, Donghae stared at a blank canvas. He had his apron on but he never grabbed a brush or a palette. He did not intend on painting or drawing anything. He only wanted to stare at nothing. A blank canvas meant a new beginning, to start over again. Donghae wished he could rip the tainted canvas of his marriage with Hyukjae and start anew. He wanted to make things better but it was not something that he could re-paint. 

He had ordered an employee to send lunch to his house. He hoped Hyukjae would not neglect it just because Donghae had been harsh with him. 

The time passed slowly and Donghae appreciated it as he did not anticipate going home. But he knew he had to in the end, and he swore to make it better.

Miss the story? Well this is 1000+ words longer than usual. Actually, it is much longer but I feel like it is getting draggy. I wanted to give you all this great ending of a chapter but it wouldn’t have been nice. I don’t want to give all of you something that is more in quantity but lacks in quality. So, I chopped away 3000 words and gave you all this. Anyway, about updates schedule. I am unsure of it since I have started updating my other eunhae fanfic. I don’t know if I’m going to update both in a week or either one of it. I don’t want the storylines and characters to get messed up so I hope you don’t mind with irregular updating schedule. Since the ending of this chapter is quite sad, you may grab the cookies and tissues down below in the comment box, thank you! 

P.s. Thanks to all of you that wish me luck and commented. I won’t tell you how many times I opened AFF just to read your comments (clue: a lot)
P.p.s. Do you want that other 3000 words to be posted faster or do you want it later (which means I add more words to make it the usual 4000+)?
P.p.p.s. Your thoughts on the story are very much appreciated if you share it. Thanks!