Chapter 5

His head hurt as if someone had ripped him into two, that was the first coherent thought Donghae had when he woke up the next morning. His entire body felt stiff and ached. He pushed himself up from the maple wood floor and placed a hand on the wall, the pounding on his temples made it hard for him to even open his eyes. As he stood there and leaned against the wall, he was brought back to the last memory he had last night.

Donghae remembered that he was at a club, the music blaring through the speakers. The strobe lights made it hard to know anyone around. As he sat at a table near the corner, a shot glass in his hand, he through his head back as he took his second shot. He shook himself slightly, red lights all over making sure no one would recognize him. He slumped on the table, his head on his arm and the shot glass dangled between his fingers at the edge of the table. 

The glass was filled up again.

“Lee Donghae, when are you going to grow up and be able to take more than two shots before you get drunk?”

Donghae sat up straight and pouted at the lady sitting next to him, “What do you drink for, if not to get intoxicated, Sujin?” He took another swig of the alcohol before he once again rested himself on the table.

Sujin drank from her own shot glass, finishing her fifth one already but still could snort and rolled her eyes, “You drink just so you can tell this beautiful friend of yours what’s bothering you. You don’t get drunk for no reason. Now continue what you were saying.”

“You needed me,” mumbled Donghae, his cheek on the table.

“Likewise.”

Donghae sat up, seeming almost sober. He poured himself another shot, “I am just so confused!”

Sujin slapped his thigh, reprimanding him for shouting.

Donghae sneered at her but talked more softly, “He makes me confused. We are married for two months now. It’s 12am already, right?” Sujin nodded absentmindedly. “He talks about living comfortably together and tries to be friends with me. Does he really think me and him are going to be married for my entire life? Does he want that?”

Sujin kept silent the whole time, taking another shot, letting Donghae talked all he wanted.

Donghae snorted, “Do I want that? Obviously,” he hiccuped, “No?” He started to giggle, “But it is so nice to have someone doing stuff for you, though. He gets everything ready for me, does that, does this,” he leaned his cheek on his hand that was perched up on the table, “He is so nice… Or maybe just such a fake,” he pouted his lips, “He, that husband of mine. Maybe he just wants to share the fame I have.”

Sujin lovingly slapped and caressed Donghae’s cheek, “You are not that famous, baby.”

“Well, I will be,” he glared at his friend. Suddenly, he started laughing, “He makes good food. Like really good food.” The laughter turned into a chuckle and Donghae had his head down and his eyes closed, he could almost taste those dinners he had for the past two months. None of them were ever worse than the last.

Sujin, running a hand through her mid-length brown hair, grabbed Donghae’s hand. She hiccuped before pulling the man up, “Okay, now it’s my time. We need to release our sorrows. Let’s go drown ourselves on the dance floor.” They stumbled, both of them, giggling as they put their hands on each other and went with the crowd.

In that moment, nothing was confusing Donghae. It was normal, nothing new to explore, nothing need to double think about. It was just there, everything was clear to see. No feelings to consider, no thoughts playing inside his head. He s his arms around Sujin’s waist and rested his head on her shoulder, and he felt Sujin’s hand caressing the back of his head as they swayed to the music that slowed down gradually. Donghae closed his eyes but opened them again when his mind started supplying images he never thought would invade him. The hands on him felt different at that time and the smell of Sujin’s strong, rose perfume changed into the smell of… freshly cooked food.

Donghae moved back from Sujin, leaving the dance floor. He managed to take another shot before he was pulled away from the table. Sujin had somehow ended in his arms again and they were both half-carrying, half-dragging each other out. The last thing Donghae remembered was, they got into a cab and he blurted out an address that he only hoped was not his parents, like all those nights he ended up with Sujin, before two months ago.

Back to the present, Donghae dragged himself and blindly searched for the bedroom’s doorknob with one hand rubbing his temples. He felt what seemed to be the door and leaned against it while his hand was still finding the round knob. Before he was abled to, though, the door was dragged away from him and he fell, mysteriously it did not hurt so bad. The mystery was solved when he used his arms to lift himself and he saw Hyukjae beneath him, hair splayed out and blending with the floor. He did not have much time to ponder at the other’s looks as he was pushed to the side and Donghae landed on his back. The cool floor felt so good on his skin and he stretched himself, mewling at the sensation.

When he opened his eyes, he was alone, lying on the floor. Hyukjae was nowhere in sight. Donghae did not think much about it. He got up, one hand back on his head, and got into the shower, sighing after he saw that it had already passed 10am. Making up his mind that he would not be going out, he took his time, letting the water soothed his aching muscles. While running his hand over his face, his hand lingered on his right cheek, feeling there was something he should remember. Shrugging, he ignored the thought, just as he had been ignoring his feelings for so many years now.

He got out of the shower, got dressed and was about to lie down as his hangover was still making him feel nauseous. But, his stomach grumbled and he remembered that he did not take his dinner last night, going straight to the club to meet Sujin. He went down to the dining area, and once again, he did not see Hyukjae anywhere. But, a bowl of beef soup was waiting for him on the table, along with a glass of water and two pills of aspirin. Donghae sat and did not think much about it. Not until much later.

When he was done eating, he went to the living hall, choosing to lie down on the couch. He closed his eyes, feeling much better than he did when he first woke up. Then, the front door opened and he strained his neck to see who it was. 

It was Hyukjae, carrying plastic bags. It seemed like he had gone to the market. Donghae watched him as he walked passed him, but Hyukjae did not even glance at him let alone acknowledged his presence. Donghae felt slightly weird, used to Hyukjae’s morning greetings by now, but he shrugged.

Donghae fell asleep, waking up right when Hyukjae once again walked by him as the other headed for the door. It was nearing 4pm. Work then, Donghae thought nonchalantly. His hangover was almost over when he got up. That night, alone in the house, he ate his dinner and went to bed as usual, still ignorant about what had and was happening. 

When he woke up Tuesday morning, Hyukjae was not next to him. This was the first thing he noticed, used to waking up with the other still sleeping beside him. But, Hyukjae’s side of the bed was made, it seemed almost not slept in. Donghae took his shower and then went down to have his breakfast as usual. He stopped on his track as he saw Hyukjae eating at the table. There was no greeting, no eye contact, no bright smile on his face. He did not look up to Donghae or call him over. Instead, Hyukjae finished his last piece of bread as Donghae was sitting down and the other got up then. It felt different and somewhat disturbing after a month of having someone by his side while he took his breakfast. 

Then, when it was time for him to leave, Donghae walked directly next to Hyukjae, he almost seemed desperate to get the other’s attention. But again, Hyukjae did not look at him. The other did not get up and send Donghae to the door, did not come close, did not wave at Donghae as he drove out. It was getting unsettling. Donghae was not able to put his mind off it. Even when he had a paint brush on his hand, the white canvas in front of him remained blank not just for the day, but for a long time. He came home to a hot dinner that night, just as he did nearly every Tuesday in the span of a month. His food was on the dining table, ready for him, but Hyukjae was at the living hall, folding clothes while watching a show on the television. That was the last time he saw Hyukjae for the rest of the night. Even when he had lied down and was about to sleep, the other still had not come up to their bedroom.

Now, he thought about it and knew something was just not right.

Things got on that way for a week. Donghae barely met Hyukjae despite leaving in the same house. It was Sunday again when they first spoke and faced each other.

After another lonely breakfast, Donghae went looking for a certain suit jacket. He could not find it anywhere when he was sure he had worn it last week. He went down, finding Hyukjae. He saw the other outside, hanging the clothes, and walked up to him. Hyukjae was already finishing at that time.

“Have you seen a red suit jacket of mine? I could not find it anywhere and I –”

“No.”

Donghae would not admit it, but he had felt hurt at that moment. Hyukjae cut him off and left him there. Not liking the feeling he followed the other, to the laundry room, passed the kitchen, then the dining area and then to living hall. He did not noticed Hyukjae side-stepping an article of clothing on the floor.

“What’s wrong with – ” Donghae stepped right on the clothes and he gasped, his breath knocked out of him as slipped. A hand grabbed his upper arm at that instant, and another hand was on the back of his head. He breathed out, looking at Hyukjae with his heart hammering, “You?”

Hyukjae released his hold on him little by little and Donghae dropped to the floor lightly, “You found the clothes you need, exactly where you left it.” 

Donghae looked down and it was indeed the suit jacket he was looking for. He grabbed it and stood up, but before he could say anything, the door bell rang.

Hyukjae opened the door and Donghae was surprised when Sujin was in the doorway, looking embarrassed. He did not remember telling his friend where his house was.

“Oh, here to meet your boyfriend?”

That surprised Donghae even more. One, Hyukjae knew Sujin, and two, he thought Donghae was her boyfriend. 

“No, Mr. Hyukjae. I want to say I am sorry. I never meant for it to – ”

Hyukjae snorted, “Never meant for it…” he said under his breath, “It’s okay Miss whatever your name is. Donghae is right here.” He turned to Donghae then, a lopsided smile on his face, “Come, Donghae. I’ll leave you two alone now.” 

When Hyukjae walked passed him this time, Donghae wrapped his hand around his wrist, preventing him from going anywhere, “Sujin, go home.”

“But, Donghae. I – ”

“Go,” and his friend left then. Hyukjae was silent until the door was closed. The other struggled to get out of his grip.

“Tell me what is this about,” Donghae demanded, maintaining a hold on Hyukjae.

Hyukjae did not stop trying though, he said with greeted teeth, “Thought you knew.”

“I don’t! You have been acting weird all week for no reason.”

“No reason?” Donghae knew he had said something wrong when Hyukjae scowled and glared at him, and with a much bigger force, pulled himself out of Donghae’s hold on him, “You kissed someone in front of me, that was not a reason for me to be mad, is it?

Something started clicking inside Donghae’s head.

“You were on the bed, on our bed, snogging someone, that is not enough to be a reason, right? You, who were about to have with someone else right in this house, right on the bed I slept with you every night. But,” Hyukjae snorted again, but Donghae only saw the tears reddening his eyes, “That is not enough to be the reason, right?”

“Hyukjae, I – ”

“You didn’t? Well, I came home before you were able to. I don’t know how many times you have done it or what. I don’t want to know about your life or what. But, don’t do it in my house,” Hyukjae sneered, “You make me feel disgusted just to get on the bed.”

Hyukjae was walking away when Donghae said, “She is my best friend. I – ”

“Wow, that makes it better. But, same. I don’t want to know your love story.”

Donghae was left alone then. Something ached his heart. 

“I’m… sorry, Hyukjae.”

***

The bustling in the kitchen during prepping time that evening was almost too much for Hyukjae to handle. The sound of pans and pots being placed on the stoves, the noises of steels clinking together, of the fridge being opened and closed, the clanking when things fell. It made Hyukjae cringed. 

“…jae hyung, are you listening?”

Hyukjae looked up from the cutting board to find Myungsoo glaring at him and he glared right back, “What?” a scowl on his face.

“I said you need to slow down the cutting. You might hurt yourself.”

Hyukjae did not slow down as he cut while his eyes still remained on Myungsoo, he even cocked a brow.

Myungsoo placed a hand on his, halting his hand, and they both looked down at the bak choy in ruined, “What’s wrong with you? You know you can tell me.”

“My problem right now is you are meddling with my things. Why don’t you just mind your own business, alright?” He let go of the knife and untied his apron, throwing it onto the ground. Hyukjae left the kitchen, not realizing that the noises that irritated him were gone, replaced by a deep silent.

He found himself walking to the locker room and he sat in there, his hands clutched together between his legs, his head bowed low. He knew he should not have let his emotions got the best of him, but he was stretched too thin. His heart was still in havoc. 

Hyukjae felt a hand rest on his back and a deep voice said, “Myungsoo is hurt slightly by your words, but I’m sure he will be fine.”

It was Chef Yikyung.

“Well, I am hurt too.”

Yikyung nodded, seemingly understanding, “Yes, but it wasn’t him that hurt you, right? Instead, I think he was trying to help you. You scared even me, chopping that poor vegetable like that.”

Hyukjae sighed, regretting the fact that he had acted unprofessionally, but more so because he raised his voice at Myungsoo. It was selfish of him to react that way, “I’m sorry.”

Chef Yikyung patted his shoulder, “It’s okay, Hyukjae. Something is troubling you right now, I can see it. Whatever it is, it will end soon, I’m sure of it,” the man got up from next to him, hand still on Hyukjae while he smiled encouragingly, “About Myungsoo. Just talk to the kid. He will understand. You can take a break for awhile but get back to the kitchen soon. Prepping time is almost over.” 

Then, Hyukjae was left alone, the room echoing Chef Yikyung’s steps. He took another minute to calm himself down, keeping his feelings and thoughts in check before he got back to the kitchen. His station was already prepared, his ingredients chopped and arranged. He looked at Myungsoo, who worked right in front of him, but the younger deliberately ignored him. Not long after that, the restaurant was opened.

Hyukjae did not leave the restaurant immediately after everything was done. He waited for Myungsoo, who was always the second last to leave before Hyukjae himself, in the locker room. As soon as Myungsoo walked in, Hyukjae stood up from the bench, following the younger as he went to his locker.

“Myung-ah?” Hyukjae called softly. He did not get any answer. He tried calling again.

“What?”

“Thank you for helping with my prepping,” said Hyukjae, leaning against the long line of lockers.

“Hm.”

“And I’m sorry.”

“Hm,” Myungsoo shut his locker and slung his bag, heading for the door. Hyukjae followed.

“I…” Hyukjae hesitated for a moment as he stopped in the middle of the room while Myungsoo kept walking, “Need you.”

Myungsoo stopped and turned then, a soft smile on his face as his shoulders sagged, “I thought you would never say that.” 

They sat down together on the bench lined in between the two rows of lockers. Hyukjae at first tried to laugh things off, hiding his own sorrow. But, he told Myungsoo everything and as the story progressed, his voice quieted down and there were many times when he had to swallow down his tears. He told Myungsoo of that boy he met more than a decade ago, smiling all the way, told him of his happiness when he found the boy again while his face lit up, told him how hopeful he had felt in that two months, his eyes tearing but his lips still in a smile, told him how crushed his heart was just by that one night and hung his head down. 

To say Myungsoo understood would be a far-fetched, the younger himself admitted that. But, he played the role of a good friend, cussing Donghae, scowling at the wall as he listened, hugging Hyukjae when he finally could not stand it anymore. Hyukjae was just grateful to have let it out.

Hyukjae went home that night and slept in the guest room, just as he did for the last week. The tear-soaked pillowcase had already been thrown into the washing machine that morning, replaced by a new one. That night, his pillow remained dry.

Again, he avoided Donghae the next day, doing whatever he could to busy himself. It looked so easy as Donghae did not seem to be looking for him.

Hyukjae arrived at the restaurant as usual. His emotions and attitude once more in order, he unlocked and opened his car’s door, ready to start work and hoping to keep himself professional at all times. He also hoped Myungsoo would not brought the topic up. He had opened up and he was feeling almost better, considering he did not have to see Donghae’s face that only reminded him of that night at work.

Just as he was about to step out of the car, his phone rang. Leaning against his seat again, he answered the call from Chef Yikyung, “Yes, chef? What’s the matter?”

“Oh I need to tell that I will be late. My wife has just got back and I need to fetch her from the airport then send her back. Will that be okay?”

“Oh, sure, chef. I will help prepping your station.”

“Thank you so much, Hyukjae. Really.”

“It’s nothing, chef. Drive safely.” 

Then, the call ended. Hyukjae tossed his phone onto the passenger’s seat, always preferring to leave it in the car rather than the locker. 

Hyukjae’s eyes lingered on a piece laminated paper, facing down on the dashboard. He let out a sigh and closed his eyes, looking away. Again, he was about to step out when suddenly, his head was pushed hard, hitting the steering. 

He was so shocked that he did not even screamed. 

It hurt too much! 

The last thing Hyukjae remembered was his car’s door being shut before he lost his consciousness.

Hyukjae woke up to find himself on the passenger’s side, his hands tied in front of him. He felt disoriented, his head still hurt and he could feel the blood crust on his face. His eyes hurt, as some kind of gas were being filled into the car and everything was blurry. Coughing after he tried shouting, he turned and tried to open the door but it was locked. The child lock must be on, his mind supplied.

“You won’t be standing in my way anymore, Hyukjae. This is the end. Sweet dream, you snatcher! Sweet dream forever.”

The words rang in his ear. Hyukjae did not have the time to think about it as he twisted in his seat, thinking of other ways to save himself. He could feel himself getting drowsier and dizzier. His eyes were burning. Then, he felt his phone underneath him and Hyukjae would have jump in joy and say, “Fool!” to whoever did this to him, if he could. But, he was losing himself fast, his consciousness slipping away again. Quickly, he shook and lifted himself up, bending himself and took the phone into his hand.

He speed dialed the first number before he slumped on the seat.

***

Donghae was staring at a blank canvas. There was no right colour that he could dip his brush into. No colour was right. He was missing something. He could feel it deep inside him.

His phone vibrated and he huffed, lazy to pick it up. Then, he saw the caller’s ID. He had never felt so desperate to pick up a phone before.

“Hell – ” Donghae was at a lost, not knowing what to say. Hyukjae was on the phone, but, as far as he knew, Hyukjae was mad at him. 

But, Donghae did not have to think of anything to say when he heard the coughing fit from the phone and the husky, “Hae…”

His hard exterior mode was on and Donghae got up, heading for the exit, “Where are you?”

“Don’t know,” Hyukjae sounded breathless.

Donghae ran to his car, immediately moving out of the parking lot of his gallery. He held his phone to his ear tight, unwilling to listen to his own heart beating erratically in panic. His lips were trembling, only knowing that Hyukjae was not well but not sure what was happening, “Em…” his voice shook, “D-Don’t turn off the phone. Stay on the line. I will find you using the GPS. Just… stay.” A coughing fit was his only answer.

Quickly, his fingers fumbled to start the search, locating Hyukjae immediately. He put his phone on speaker and placed it on the passenger’s seat. Hearing Hyukjae wheezing was both soothing and worrying him. 

The GPS brought him to a secluded area, near the factories. Hyukjae had gone quiet and Donghae was getting restless. The relief he felt was indescribable when he saw Hyukjae’s car. Stomping on the brake, he grabbed his phone and jumped out of his car. He ran the short distance and went to the side Hyukjae was in. Donghae’s heart nearly stop beating when he saw how lifeless Hyukjae seemed.

He opened the car’s door, and Hyukjae fell right into his arms, his face ashen. Donghae dragged him away as carefully as he could, away from the smoke coming out of the car. Half way in between Hyukjae’s and his car, Donghae lost his footing and he dropped on the ground, Hyukjae landing across his lap. Donghae parted his legs further and pulled Hyukjae closer. That was the first clear view he had of Hyukjae.

Hyukjae’s face was white, his lips no longer had a pink tinge to it. There was blood down the left side of Hyukjae’s face, both dried and wet. This time, when Donghae blinked, the red was still there, unlike before when Hyukjae had fainted because of his fever. The blood was real this time, it was no longer just his hallucination.

“Yah…” he untied Hyukjae’s hands, “Yah, Hyuk…” he placed both his hands on each of Hyukjae’s cheeks and leaned down, trying to listen to his breathing. He looked at Hyukjae, his panic rising while tears filled his eyes, “Get up. Hyukjae. Hyukjae!” He wrapped Hyukjae into his arms, placing Hyukjae’s head on his shoulder and he called the emergency line. 

Donghae was lost in his own mind as he sobbed hard while he cradled Hyukjae close to him, “You cannot die. No. I can’t lose you. I love you. You cannot die. Please,” Donghae did not realize he was crying like a kid, his legs restless and he was whining. No one heard his sobs, no one saw his tears running down his face. No one saw him mourning once again for the one person Donghae had lost before.

Okay… Sorry for a little late than usual. So… Emm… How about cake to cope with the feelings this time? Or Oreo? I’ll give Oreo IceCream to everyone to help calm your heart. Everyone please get your free supply of tissues at the bottom. Anyway, hint hint to those who love fluff, it is coming. But, let’s suffer a bit more, shall we? If there is mistake, do tell. 

P.s. Now, I want to ask this just to know if I’m doing it right; Do you think this is EunHae or HaeHyuk? Or do you think it could be both? I need to know if I am conveying it right. 

P.p.s. What do you think of Donghae now?