Chapter 10

Hyukjae sat with his back leaning against the headboard, his legs cosy underneath the comforter. He yawned after staring at nothing straight ahead of him. Taking the chance, he discretely glanced over at Donghae, who was sitting just as he was. They both had been up for some time and the sun had risen up, bathing the room with light. But, none had moved to get out of bed. It was almost a battle of who would give in first. 

Many thoughts had crossed Hyukjae’s mind – like how he envied the fact that Donghae’s hair looked perfect while he could feel some strands of his hair had stiffened up. Sitting there for ten minutes straight, he worried his lip, contemplating if he should get off right then. What was right? What was normalcy in this life? In his married life? Was it a routine to sit on the bed in silence every morning as if they were meditating? He was freaked out of it, thinking how boring he had gotten if it was true. Then, he released his lip from between his teeth as he was randomly reminded of what had happened last night, horrified by the thought that Donghae might think he had liked the kiss – okay, kisses – and wanted more. But, don’t I? Hyukjae looked straight ahead with his face blank, but he was shrieking on the inside. 

Calming his heart rate, he turned and looked at Donghae again, only to find his husband was staring at him. Hyukjae cleared his throat, not saying a word but keeping the eye contact.

“What are we doing?” Donghae’s voice sounded nasally heavy, effect of sleep. His eyes were only half-opened, unlike Hyukjae’s wide ones.

Shrugging, Hyukjae said, “I don’t know. We’re,” he pointed to himself and Donghae, “We’re not always like this?” 

“No. We’re still on the bed because you made this awkward.”

Hyukjae snorted, indignant, “Excuse me, but how exactly did I do that?”

“I woke up to find you sitting up against the board, staring at something in front of you unblinking with your lip between your teeth. How are those not a recipe for awkward?”

Hyukjae gaped, thinking of what he could say. He gritted his teeth when nothing he could say would be a good argument, slamming his fist onto the bed before he crossed his arms on his chest. It was again another round of staring at cream-coloured wall and the silence were grating him.

“We should get off the bed.”

“Yes, we should.”

They both pushed the comforter off them, Hyukjae just used his legs, before hopping off. They made the bed together out of spontaneity. After washing their faces and brushing their teeth, they went down for simple breakfast. Hyukjae offered to make french toasts after they looked through the refrigerator and found eggs. His hands felt awkward as he realized it must have been awhile since he last cooked – or maybe it was because his husband was standing next to him. Hyukjae tried to shoo him away, but after getting a glass of juice, Donghae came back and stood leaning against the counter. Hyukjae’s glare could not burn him away. Fortunately, after flexing his fingers, Hyukjae managed to lose himself in the joy of cooking, despite only a simple menu, and Donghae’s present stopped bothering him – it actually made him even more eager to make sure the toasts tasted good.

Donghae obviously liked it, judging by the fact that he ate most of it, but when Hyukjae tried to make him admit it, he only nodded then proceeded to his fingers. Hyukjae glared half-heartedly, already feeling complimented enough by the unconscious action. As a bonus, he had noticed a tug of a smile on Donghae when he was making the toasts. But, he had also seen the look of longing, as if Donghae was seeing something Hyukjae did not. 

Putting that for later thoughts, they both ended up in the living hall and watched a drama. Hyukjae was silently relieved of the fact that Donghae did not attempt to leave for his gallery. He was not sure if he could go through another quarrel about it, and not because of other more romantic reasons – ha ha! The drama was getting slightly boring as it focused too much on a date between the two main leads. Then, Hyukjae’s eyes widened, a kiss scene was going on. Slowly, he turned his face away, his eyes unblinking, “Oh my god. Why now?” he said under his breath. Deeming it safe to look again after half a minute, he watched Donghae by his eyes’ corner. His husband did not seem to be even slightly bothered by the scene. It made Hyukjae somewhat frustrated, wondering why was he the only one flustered. His eyes turned into slits as he stared at Donghae.

Probably sensing the heated glare, Donghae nodded at him, “What?”

Hyukjae rolled his eyes and slumped back, “How?” Donghae strained a questioning brow up, making Hyukjae sighed and waved a lazy hand in front of him, “Forget it. It must be this adult thing where you are used to it.”

Donghae turned the telly off, “Used to what?”

“Nothing.”

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Hyukjae.”

With a smile ghosting on his features, Donghae looked at Hyukjae deep in the eyes, his head tilted. Not comprehending why, but, Hyukjae gave in then, “It was that scene just now. You were unfazed by it while I got a tad…”

“It was just a kiss.”

Slack-jawed, Hyukjae squinted his eyes, sudden rage flooding him, “Just a kiss? We kissed! Were those just kisses, as well?” Just a couple second after that, he felt himself going red, his cheeks heating up. He wanted to curse at himself for the sheer lack of control on his emotions. Looking at Donghae, who had his arms crossed and a very annoying knowing smile plastered on his face, Hyukjae tried his best to look laid-back. When the annoying smile did not fade away, Hyukjae growled, “Don’t look at me like that.”

Startlingly, Donghae chuckled the way Hyukjae wished he would do more, the sound caressing his ears like the spring wind would, “Sorry, but you said something akin to that before. Actually, it happened last night too. Just after we kissed, you said you wanted to talk. Before,” Hyukjae nodded and hummed as he listened, utterly entranced with what Donghae was telling him, “We had this accidental kiss and you wanted to talk about it, saying it was your first kiss and you don’t know how to react.”

Scooting closer without himself realizing, Hyukjae leaned forward as he turned to Donghae directly, folding one leg underneath him, “Did that kiss felt like last night ones too?”

Donghae faced him, his brows up. Then, he started blinking rapidly while he stared at his folded legs, “How did last night’s felt like?” He looked at Hyukjae expectantly.

“To be honest,” Hyukjae wetted his lips, “It was confusing. I thought it would help me sort my tangled feelings, but, all it did was tied another dead knot,” he searched Donghae’s eyes, “Don’t get me wrong, I,” Hyukjae fidgeted, “liked them. I don’t remember what that first kiss felt like, but I don’t mind. It,” he tugged the hem of his shirt, “It could not have been any better than last night’s. And they were both with you. They were all with you.” 

**

It was Donghae’s time to be honest with himself about the kiss last night. Dazed, that was what he had felt after Hyukjae asked if he wanted to kiss him. His eyes went blurry when he stared at Hyukjae too long. He did not know what prompted him to go for it, what sort of thing had possessed him. The kiss, to him, felt surreal. Every second that ticked, every slide of lips against lips, every contact made; it all felt too good to be happening. Not once had he ever felt pure contentment while having someone in touch. Donghae was never one to let himself lost in dreams and surreality. But during that moment, he let himself free, let himself felt bliss. At that moment, he was loving and loved, he was giving and given. The kiss was his dream that he never knew he had. 

According to what Hyukjae had told him, Donghae could not be sure that Hyukjae felt the same way, nor was he sure why Hyukjae’s feelings were knotted. Swallowing an invisible lump, Donghae asked, “Did you feel anything else?”

Hyukjae was playing with his long sleeves, pulling them until they covered half of his palms, “Maybe?” From under his lashes, he looked at Donghae, “Everything was jumbled up. I liked it but, there was this other feeling that I could not describe. It felt good, at the same time it made me confused. Do you understand?” Reluctantly, Donghae shook his head. Hyukjae huffed, exasperated, “I am not sure if I love you, Hae hyung.”

He should not have hoped, Donghae chastised himself as he stared blankly. His heart felt broke into pieces and the beat slowed down, yet his chest felt constricted despite the ample amount of air. Silently trying to regain a normal rate with his head hung down, he nodded.

“But, can we try again?”

The words penetrated through the shield Donghae was re-constructing to keep his heart at rest, his mind on the right path and his thoughts on anything else but Hyukjae. But once again, the defense was shattered down, making his heart vulnerable with hope again. When he focused, hanging by those words, Hyukjae was right in front of him, eyes searching his. “Are you sure?” Donghae could not help but asked. Biting his lip, Hyukjae stayed quiet. It unnerved Donghae and he blinked rapidly. The hope that blossomed was hard to dissipate even after seconds passed by. 

“I do. Donghae, I still am not sure why I married you. The truth is, I’ve saved my heart for someone. What I felt for him… It was unwavering, nothing could sway my heart. But right now, I’m confused because kissing you…” Hyukjae took in a deep breath and slipped his hand on Donghae’s palm, gripping it. His eyes remained on the joined hands before they rose up almost shyly to look at Donghae’s, “It felt as if I have finally gotten something I’ve longed for. The feeling confuses me, everything is not align. I’m sorry if I’m making you feel as if I am playing with you, but you need to help me and I promise I won’t leave you.”

In the next moment, Donghae had scooted closer and Hyukjae was on his knees, leaning closer. Donghae tilted his head up while his husband peered down with hands on the back of Donghae’s head. With his thumb caressing Hyukjae’s cheek and as hot breath soothed his trembling lips, Donghae whispered, “Promise?” The nod came and Donghae shut his eyes, letting his lips brushed against Hyukjae’s. He let his inexperience husband led the kiss. It was sloppy but grew intense by the seconds. Donghae could feel Hyukjae getting bolder when his husband tipped his head back even more while tilting his own head to the side. Getting the chance, Donghae on Hyukjae’s bottom lip, emitting a low moan from his husband. His hand found Hyukjae’s waist and he rumpled the shirt to just have a solid hold on the other. When Hyukjae leaned back, they were both heaving. Even as he was breathless, Donghae could not stop himself from staring at the very red and seemed swollen lip of Hyukjae’s. 

Hands sliding down to Donghae’s shoulder, Hyukjae slid down, sitting on his legs, groaning. While still gasping, he said, “I think I can accept it if you say I’m not nineteen anymore. My legs hurt!” He slumped to the side, resting his head on the sofa.

With his heart beat slowed down to a normal rate, Donghae let out a deep chuckled. His hand wiped the cold sweats on Hyukjae’s forehead, letting his fingers ran down the soft, soft cheeks. He tried to tame down the other’s bed hair, but some strands were too stubborn. When their eyes met, the chuckles had died down to a soft, adoring smile. Everything felt calm, the atmosphere deemed into silky and soothing. The only sound that became music to Donghae’s ears were their breathing. His mind was at ease, he held the promise Hyukjae made dear to his heart, making him feel light and afloat.

His phone rang, disrupting the tranquility. Rolling his eyes at the disturbance, Donghae snatched it off the table next to the sofa, answering the phone without paying any attention to the phone number bright on the screen, “Lee Donghae.”

“Mr Lee Donghae, I’m Officer Im Kwanggyu. I’m calling you from the district’s police station.”

Donghae sat up straighter, his eyes going to Hyukjae, “Yes, officer.”

“I’m calling to tell that Mr Lee Hyukjae’s car can be retrieved today at this station. We are done with its inspection and deem it all fine to be used again.”

Relief flooded over him, scared the call might be about a more serious matter on Hyukjae’s case, “Yes, thank you, officer.” He stood up when the phone call ended, giving a brief smile to his husband, “I’m going to go fetch your car.”

Hyukjae jumped off the sofa, his eyes widened and a huge grin on him, “My car? Yes! Let’s go get my car!”

“No. You are staying here. I will go alone.”

Hyukjae looked at him weird, his brows scrunched together and his lips jutted out in pout, “Heh? But, it’s my car.”

“Your car that you may not even remember how to drive. Stay, you are safer here and easier for the police to look after,” Donghae said, walking toward the stairs to get ready. For Hyukjae, he had to be adamant. Getting into his own car could lead to two consequences; either more of Hyukjae’s memory would return, or, he would feel traumatized. Donghae was not strong enough to risk Hyukjae’s mental health. 

Done putting on a suitable attire and tidying himself up, Donghae dialed a taxi to take him to the station. He found Hyukjae still in the living area, his arms crossed and rested on his chest, his eyes glaring at the telly and his lips in an obvious pout. Donghae approached him, “Hyukjae.”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“Hey, don’t be like that.”

“Go away.”

“Hyukjae.” It was met with a silent. Donghae heard the taxi honking, “I’m going.” He walked to the door with his eyes still on his husband, the corners of his lips stretched up. He opened the door, “Hyukjae,” he called, exaggerating the name yet still no respond, “Hyukjae, I love you.” Donghae watched in amusement as Hyukjae’s eyes enlarged and his cheeks coloured red. 

Hyukjae stood, “Yah!” 

Donghae gave him a cheeky grin before he darted out the door and went down the steps. “Hae hyung.” He stopped when his name was whined, turning to look at Hyukjae who was in front of the door, cheeks reddish and lips still pouting. “You cannot just leave after saying that, okay? It’s rude,” Hyukjae glared at him but he could see the smile ghosting on his features.

“Then, what should I do before I leave?” Putting on his thinking face, Hyukjae tapped on his pouty lips with his index finger while he hummed. Donghae laughed – I’m nineteen Hyukjae was not that innocent after all. He went back up the five steps and gave his husband a chaste kiss.

Hyukjae gasped and after a moment of shock, he hit Donghae, though, not that hard, “Why did you do that? I was thinking! You ert!”

Donghae realized he had misread Hyukjae’s gesture, but, he could not bring himself to regret his action, “You don’t seem to mind, though,” he smirked before he ran and headed inside the taxi. He waved at Hyukjae, who still looked flustered yet smiling.

After showing his identification and signing a couple papers, Donghae was given the remote and let to the car. He was handed a box filled with items from inside the dashboard as the investigation team had done a thorough sweep to find evidence. Left alone after thanking the officer, Donghae sat in the car, noting the small photo of his in-laws stuck close to the steering, and opened the box, wanting to help put the things back in. He chuckled when the first two things he blindly grabbed out were recipe books, “Of course, he is a chef, anyway.” He placed them, the width of the dashboard just enough. There were tissues, a One Piece figurine, and a mini first aid kit as well.

Donghae felt inside the box again but his hand could not grab anything. He looked to be sure there was nothing left but then noticed a laminated paper at the pit. He brought it out, picking up the box and putting it on the backseat before he turned to the sheet. It was blank on one side and Donghae flipped it over. Involuntarily, a gasp left him. His body felt frozen all over and was shaking. His lips trembled as he warily ran his fingers on the outline of the obvious subject of the drawing.

“Your hands are an amazing gift.”

The words of compliment he once heard before rang in his ears. Shutting his eyes which were burning for a second and letting out a shaky breath, Donghae removed his hand that covered the bottom right corner of the paper. He was not shocked to see his initials there, but the realization hit him hard. A single tear escaped him and he hugged the drawing close to his chest as he sobbed, all those time as if his breath was out of him. 

“Hyukjae… It’s you.”

And it was him, he was L.D.H.

His cry grew more violent, his cheeks drenched with tears. His chest felt constricted again and he was both happy and sad. In that span of time, he knew Hyukjae, the one who had agreed to marry him, must have known this fact. All this while, his husband had cared for him while he never did the same, had been kind to him but Donghae had paid no mind, and had loved him despite all his ignorance. Hyukjae had given him everything, yet, Donghae realized he was undeserved of it all.

With his teeth chattering as he sobbed, Donghae wiped the almost dried tears, but a new wave of them were coming and he could not care about it anymore. All he heard in his head was to go to Hyukjae, to be sure this was the reality, that it was not just a sick dream that played with his hope. He drove, speeding up after he left the station’s compound. Nothing else mattered in that moment. In the midst of it all, irrational thoughts invaded his mind; what if Hyukjae was not home? What if Hyukjae left the house? What if it all had been in his imagination? The thoughts kept him in a frenzy, his shaking hands making him gripped the steering until his knuckles turned white.

Arriving, he parked the car hastily, inches away from the back of his own car. He left the drawing on the seat as he stepped and slammed the door shut. About to run into the house, his feet were stopped when he saw Hyukjae on the steps. His husband walked over to him, his face showing pure contentment at seeing the car. When Hyukjae passed him, Donghae tugged him into his arms, wrapping both around Hyukjae’s shoulders and hiding his face at the crook of his neck. 

“Hae hyung, what’s wrong?”

Donghae only tightened his hold, his head resting on his husband’s shoulder, even when Hyukjae stood stock still, probably too shocked by the sudden clinginess of Donghae. But, he needed the physical contact, had to feel it was real, had to know it was not a heart-wrenching imagery or his mind that had gone crazy. Helplessly, a sob that made his entire being shudder left as he shut his eyes, letting tears rolled down, “I love you.” Then, he felt himself being dragged into Hyukjae’s embrace, tight, and a hand ran up and down his back, causing one last shuddering sob to leave him. It was only then that Donghae’s strained muscles relaxed, his befuddled mind was at rest, and his cold, quivering heart turned delightfully warm and at ease.

All thoughts of the car might have been forgotten by Hyukjae as he guided Donghae into the house. It was not talked about, the car nor the sudden, emotional hug. But something changed after that day and Donghae himself felt it coursing through him. 

Every morning he had waken up first, he would lie on his side with his head propped up, his eyes not leaving Hyukjae – it was almost to confirm that indeed, he was there with Donghae. When his husband woke up to find him staring, instead of turning away and hid the fact, he smiled and greeted him. First few times, Hyukjae blushed but grinned. But after nearly a week, with his eyes still half-shut, Hyukjae wrapped an arm around Donghae’s neck and pulled him back down on the pillow, saying it was too early for the sun to shine and blind him with a smile. Donghae gave in most of the time.

Usually, Donghae would go out to buy lunch or meet an interested art collector. Hyukjae begun to stop being sulky about it, following him to the door and waved him goodbye, always reminding him to get back soon. He never came home after six, not leaving longer than he had to. To keep him preoccupied, he let his husband cook a few times and Hyukjae was ecstatic about it – he slightly burnt the food once or twice, but, the rest felt perfect to Donghae. When he was at home, Donghae stuck to Hyukjae’s side when he went to the kitchen. He made a bland ramen for dinner at one time – Hyukjae got very mad, that he decided to take over every dinner after that.

Once, Hyukjae had stepped on a jacket of his that was lying on the floor, falling on his bump with a thud. Donghae found him wincing and ever since that one incident, always hung up his clothes or threw them straight into the laundry basket. Or, since a habit was a hard thing to break, whenever he remembered that he had scattered his clothes – even while he was taking a shower, he would ran to pick them up. Hyukjae chastised him for running around the house with just a towel around his waist. Donghae gave him a quick kiss and the heat radiating from Hyukjae’s face was admirable.

Sometime they hung together in the living area, sometime they did the laundry together, few times they walked around the lawn outside, a couple times they tried to paint something they themselves could not decipher, and once Donghae played the piano for Hyukjae. Every day was filled with laughters and every night ended with a smile – sometime a good night kiss.

It went on for two weeks and it was mid-March. Flowers blossomed and the breezing wind was both warm and cold.

Donghae went out to meet a client and secretly went to buy an anniversary gift since it was the fourteenth, marking the third month of their marriage. He did not know what exactly would be a likable present for Hyukjae, regrettably. So, in the end, he bought a few recipe books for a safe choice and went looking all around for a magazine about their wedding, all the while reminding himself to know his husband better. It took him awhile, finally found the magazine in a store that sole second-hand books. Already preparing a box for them all, he headed home. He was bouncing and drumming his fingers on the steering as he drove; the present would be the first real gift he would be giving to his husband. 

He entered the house, the box in a bag his hand held, “Hyuk – ” his call was cut off when two arms wrapped around him and Donghae knew it was Hyukjae by the smell of his brown hair. He smiled and closed his eyes, gladly hugging his husband closed to himself and indulging himself into it. 

“Hae, I remember.”

The bag in his hand dropped to the floor and Donghae went rigid, “Y-You what?” he stuttered. The smile was gone from his face and he blinked rapidly, his lips quivering. 

Hyukjae leaned back and looked at him, tears pooling in his eyes while a smile adorned his lips, “I remember. I found our wedding suits in the closet,” he hiccuped, “I found our cufflinks. Yours had my initials, L.H.J, and mind have yours,” he pulled Donghae in again, holding him tight while he was shivering, “L.D.H,” he whispered.

Donghae was scared and bewildered. If Hyukjae had remembered, he knew it would impossible for him to be acting like this toward Donghae. He knew, even after all his attempt to help, it would be a miracle if Hyukjae forgive him. Then, he remembered a talk he had with the counselor he had asked about Hyukjae.

Swallowing was painful and Donghae cleared his throat, his lips trembled as he asked, “Hyukjae, what is the day’s date.”

Hyukjae once more stepped back with the smile still etched on his features, “13th February. And our second-month anniversary is tomorrow.”

Donghae closed his eyes and wished it was really that date, that he really had a second chance.

School in 30 minutes and I’m still not ready. Thoughts and hello! Ready for the pain everyone?