8. Shooting Star

Mark didn't like therapy-- having to talk about himself in-depth wasn't even something he liked on a good day, and winding up with every little thing analyzed only made it worse-- but he genuinely liked the woman who had been appointed as his counselor. Hwang Rina was a special needs branch therapist and could communicate with him in sign language, which made the whole process that much easier for him. She also had a candy dish with the world's meltiest and most delicious caramels, and she would actually scold him if he didn't do his best to work his way through at least half of the bowl during his sittings.

Today, I want to talk about your improvement, Rina began after passing the caramel bowl across the table to Mark.

Is it good enough that I don't have to take therapy anymore?, Mark asked, feeling guilty as he did. He didn't want to be one of those resistant patients who tried to make their counselor feel bad for doing their job, but he really did want to be out and in the clear. He'd been trying to spend his last few days of recovery before going back to school with Jinyoung, but therapy was still the last roadblock he had yet to overcome. It was hard to explain that he already had sufficient therapy-- that Jinyoung was working miracles on him over and over again simply by existing and loving him.

Mark, you and I have been here before. Do you remember our last session while you were recovering from witnessing the car accident?

Mark hesitated. I said I was ready to stop dwelling on it so much. That it wouldn't happen again.

But did it?

Yes. It did.

Can you explain to me why you said that at the time?

Mark thought back. Part of it was that he was so sick of talking about things that he'd been willing to fake any sort of resolution just to put it behind him and to never think that much on what had happened ever again. Rina herself probably had known that, but back then he'd still been in his special needs high school and had people monitoring him, so once he'd dealt with the worst of his post-trauma, outside therapy had already taken a backseat to getting himself situated back in school and settled with his in-school counselors.

But on top of that, he'd also been fairly convinced it wouldn't happen again, simply because he'd been pretty sure he couldn't go anything like that a second time and survive.

I was planning on making it through school and working at my father's business for the rest of my life and never putting myself in the way of anything difficult or painful ever again, Mark signed. If I had an quiet existence, I would have no reason for it to happen again.

Bad things happen even to people who isolate themselves, Mark.

I know. But it seemed like the safest way to think.

Is that why you're saying you're ready to move on again? Because it's the safe way to think?

Mark looked at her surprise. Actually, this time I didn't think it was safe at all. I thought it would be a very hard thing, changing the way I think and realizing I've been thinking wrongly of myself this whole time. The reason this time is because I know I was wrong. It's not that I was looking for something inside myself that wasn't there. It's that I wasn't recognizing that there was something inside of me this whole time after all. So now if terrible things happen, and even if I can't stop them from happening, I know I'm not empty. There's nothing I have to force out of myself to make it okay.

And what do you recognize inside of yourself?

Mark hesitated for a moment. Everything he said in therapy was completely private, and withholding anything was of course supposed to be detrimental, since she couldn't help him to the best of her abilities if there were things she didn't know. Still, it felt strange to just announce something that wasn't actually very safe to announce to anyone else out of nowhere. Would she say he had done things wrong, finding himself through someone else instead of all on his own? Would she see his love as just another incorrect mindset he'd need to be cured of?

He took a caramel and chewed it slowly, letting her wait for him to collect his thoughts. The thing I recognize was recognized first by someone else, and I found it because that person finally opened my eyes. And it wasn't just because I cared about this person that I did. It's because this person made me want to care about myself.

Rina leaned forward. And who is this person to you?

Mark suddenly didn't feel afraid of saying any more. He wasn't ashamed of the answer, even though it was under the surface deeper and more complicated than he could ever describe.

The person I love, he signed, holding Rina's eyes. His name is Park Jinyoung.

0o0

When Mark went back to school, Jinyoung came with him. He didn't say as much out loud, but Mark knew he was worried about him, even though Mark's mental health was probably in the best place it had ever been. For someone who had spent eighteen years of his life afraid of kissing, he'd warmed up to being in a relationship very quickly. Being with Jinyoung made it easy. He thought it might get a little awkward between them considering that they had been friends first, but everything he did with Jinyoung felt comfortable and natural, whether it was practicing Sign Language as they always did or kissing when Mark decided Jinyoung had learned enough. Being in love just made it natural to want to be closer in different ways, so he didn't fight those instincts and simply let himself fall into them without worrying about it.

Going back to school at Jinyoung's side also made his return feel easier. Jaebum and Jackson were waiting for them in the courtyard, and instead of asking Mark a million questions about what had happened and if he was feeling OK, they simply ran to him and threw their arms around Mark's shoulders. “God, I missed seeing you,” Jackson said, while Jaebum fussed over how skinny Mark had gotten and how they should all go out to eat later.

Mark smiled and patted them on their backs. In his head, he'd always referred to Jackson and Jaebum as Jinyoung's friend, but it felt like it was about time to admit that they were friends now, too, and that he had missed Jackson and Jaebum just as much as he had been missed by them.

“Okay, this hug has lasted about 20 seconds too long,” Jinyoung announced.

“You have time limits for these kinds of things now?” Jaebum asked, letting go of Mark. “I'm not trying to steal your boyfriend. In fact, I want him to help set me up with his friend. You know, as thanks for helping you two to get together.”

“You really didn't do much of anything,” Mark typed into his phone.

“What? I let Jinyoung use me as excuse to talk to you. I should have just let him come up with his own idiotic idea and let him crash and burn.”

Jackson reached over to tap Mark's forehead. “Anyways, you're looking good. If that guy contributed to that in the slightest, I'll let him take as much credit as he wants. Just be happy, both of you.”

“That's the plan,” Jinyoung said, smiling.

“By the way, keep your schedules free tonight, both of you. I want to have a welcome back event for Mark.”

“You don't have to,” Mark typed.

“Good thing that I want to, then.” Jackson grinned. “Seriously, you don't know what a big deal this is. Jinyoung has been like a soulless zombie since you've been gone. Eunmi and I have been so many one sided conversations with him that it's not funny.”

“Where is she anyways?” Jinyoung asked.

“Here!” Eunmi pounced on Jinyoung, and for once Mark knew better than to feel jealous. “So you're back from the dead, Jinyoung ssi?” She turned her head to look at Mark. “And you, too?”

He nodded, smiling at her.

“I'm so glad. It feels so empty without you around. We need you around to keep Jinyoung sane too, apparently.” She disentangled herself from Jinyoung's back and reached out to hug Mark. “Focus on staying well, okay?”

Mark returned her hug, wanting to apologize to her but not knowing how. Instead, he signed, How are things going with Yugyeom?

When Jinyoung translated for him, she turned bright red. “Good... I think. I mean, I can talk to him by myself now. And we're going to visit his aunt together...”

“Taking the next step,” Jaebum said with mock tearfulness. “You're moving so fast.”

“Cut it out! How about you and that friend of Mark ssi's?”

“Youngjae ah?” Jaebum grinned. “Fine, but not as good as these two over here.”

“Oh, they finally got together?”

Mark drew back in surprise. She knew?

“Everyone knew,” Jinyoung said sheepishly. “I guess we were the last to know.”

As long as we figured it out eventually.

“And as long as we make up for plenty of lost time."

Mark grinned, and left it at that. He thought his smile said enough on its own.

0o0

Getting back in the swing of classes was challenging since he'd missed so much material other than the outlines his professors had sent him online, but he did his best to focus and mark down the sections that confused him so he could concentrate on them first. Orchestra, at least, was easy to fall back into. He'd practiced the piece they'd been working on in his spare time with a little help from his father, and though he had to familiarize himself with the certain nuances their conductor wanted, he at least understood the foundations of the music well enough not to lag too far behind the others.

The happiest part of the day was going back to Sign Language. Joohyun and the class took the first part of the lesson to show him everything they'd worked on in his absence-- including each of the students delivering a personal message about how happy they were to see him back. Mark forced himself to hold back his embarassment, especially since he got the feeling Jinyoung would get up and hug him right then and there if he lost control over himself.

Joohyun held him after class for a few minutes. You're sure you are fine, Mark-ah? This was your first attack in some time.

I think I may have finally fixed what was causing them.

Really? Can such a condition be fixed? Ah, but my mother has been in the special education field long enough for me to know there is no wisdom in looking at every case as hopeless. I'm happy for you. I hope you will continue to improve in the future.

Thank you for your kindness to me, too.

Of course. When I look at you, I think of my brother. He was born the way he was, so he does not face quite the same difficulties. But similar ones... similar ones, certainly. There are times when he too needs to be reminded that he is not a lacking person.

She glanced to the door. Your shadow is waiting for you again. You know, he's incredibly fond of you, that one. It was like I was teaching a wounded puppy these past weeks, with how lost he looked.

I feel very fortunate about that, Mark said, smiling.

You should. Your world has already been broadened. I can tell.

Mark agreed with her. He was aware there were things he could and could not do, but it didn't feel limiting. In fact, he felt perfectly content to do the things that suited him and pass on the things that didn't, but to not write himself off of opportunities that presented themselves. He hadn't expected to fall in love, after all. That had been the last thing on his mind when he entered campus, but it had happened nonetheless. His heart, which he had once kept tightly closed, had opened to something new, and he never felt so free, so happy to be alive as he did when he went to meet the person waiting for him, the person who had showed him the way to setting himself free.

"You're in a good mood," Jinyoung said when they met outside the classroom. "Ready to walk back home? Or do you have to go to therapy?"

I'm all right to go home, Mark signed. No therapy today. My therapist and parents finally agreed that we can start cutting down on my sessions since my improvement has been genuine. Although I wouldn't mind, since I am in a good mood mood like you said.

"You don't talk to your therapist about me, do you?"

Mark grabbed his phone. "Of course I do, all the private details, too. Like 'Jinyoungie was so cute with me the other day, especially when we were-"

"YA!" Jinyoung yelled, downing out the last of his words. "You know, how deadpan your phone voice is really isn't helping with things like that."

"I thought you said my voice was beautiful."

"It is. It just doesn't tease well."

"Maybe not, but I wasn't sure you would understand if I signed. You are getting better, though."

"Of course. I should at least be able to communicate with the person I love, right?"

Mark grinned, still unused to hearing those words. "Well, you've definitely found a way to do that without using words or Sign Language these days."

Jinyoung flushed. "You too."

"Want to try a different way?" Mark tucked his phone into his pocket and took Jinyoung's hand. Jinyoung tilted his head; usually Mark wouldn't be able to talk this way, unless he wanted to write words on Jinyoung's palm like he had at the concert in the park. He only wrote one word this time: "Listen."

After their last therapy session, where Mark had shocked his own usually limited tolerance for communicating by talking for hours straight about meeting Jinyoung and how everything had slowly started changing, and how it had taken realizing both his own feelings and Jinyoung's to recognize how much it had all really meant, Rina had surprised him by going over ways he and Jinyoung could help progress Mark's improvement together. She hadn't even seemed bothered that Jinyoung was a man. All that mattered, she'd said, was that he'd found someone who had made a real difference, and now that difference needed to be continually acted upon so he wouldn't just forget it the next time something happened.

Mark pursed his lips, pushing air through them and releasing a practice whistle. This was something Rina had taught him he could do if ever he thought again that he was empty inside. It's an important thing for both of you, she'd said, to understand that losing something isn't absolute loss. Even if something goes away, carrying the remainders of what's left behind isn't always terrible. Your Jinyoung was right to recognize that. Voices aren't always audible sounds. And even those you didn't lose completely. Try this. Even though his vocal chords were damaged, he was perfectly capable of pushing air through his lungs and blowing out, making a bright, beautiful note that wasn't quite the voice he no longer had, but still something from deep inside him.

Ever since he'd learned he could whisle, he'd been practicing. He wanted to give something back to Jinyoung for all the support and faith he'd had in him, and though this wasn't as good as saying it out loud, he thought it was special in its own way. Carefully monitoring his breathing, he whistled, note by painstaking note, a simple rendition of Aveu Passionne, doing his best to keep the notes clear and clean so Jinyoung would be able to understand right away what he was performing. By the way Jinyoung's hands tightened around his, he knew that he had. This Passion Confession had bridged the gaps between them for so long, now not just a song for Jinyoung' parents, but for them as well. That was why they were together: to heal their old wounds, to soothe pain with a love that was greater than their hurt.

He'd kept his eyes closed for the duration of his performance, but when Mark finally opened them, he saw Jinyoung's face, streaked with falling tears, but still holding a wavering smile. "I knew it," he whispered, his hands shaking in Mark's. "I knew your voice would be beautiful."

0o0

It was chilly, but Jackson still insisted they have their party outside, at his house. “You've been cooped up inside for so long, don't you want to get outside a little?” Mark didn't care either way, he was fine with whatever they wanted. He was fine even with the group of them plunking him down in front of the bonfire pit and telling him not to do anything-- Jaebum would take care of the grilling, Yugyeom and BamBam would get them all drinks, and Jackson and Jinyoung would handle preparing sides in the kitchen. Mark relaxed into the fold out chair they'd left out for him, and warmed his hands by the fire. Fusilli, who Youngjae had brought along with him, rested at his feet and whimpered for belly rubs, which Mark gave him even though he was still a bit annoyed the dog had put off his first intended confession for Jinyoung.

Yugyeom was the first to join him by the fire. “So you and hyung are going out now, huh?” he asked. “He never shuts up about you, did you know that?”

Mark shook his head.

“I was surprised. But then, not really. Hyung is the kind of person who is close to many people, but open to only a few. But he was open to you from the beginning, from what I heard. That's not something that happens a lot. Even with me, there's things he didn't want to talk about at first. I think it was easier with you, because you were also hesitant to open up. You got comfortable with it together.” Yugyeom sighed and stretched out his long legs. “But I was worried. When you were hurt, I saw a side of hyung I'm not used to seeing.”

Mark bit his lip.

“That's why I hope that now that you're dating, you'll be able to share that with him, so he doesn't have to worry from a distance. And he can do the same with you. That will solve both of your problems, won't it?” He reached down to pat Fusilli's head. “And why is Jaebum hyung taking so long to make our dinner?”

“I can hear you, Gyeommie,” Jaebum yelled back. “Give me a minute, at least.”

The food, when it arrived, smelled delicious. Jaebum had done a good job with the meat, and even Jackson and Jinyoung had managed not to botch the ramen, though it was a little saltier than Mark would have made it. They all dug into it hungrily, saving their chit-chat for later.

“T-T-Thanks for inviting m-me,” Youngjae said to Jaebum when he'd finished eating. He'd been speaking louder now, since Jaebum hadn't been bothered at all by his stammer. Mark didn't mind signing with Youngjae, but he liked this, too; his voice now carried more of the confidence of his character, which made him even happier that he'd been able to introduce him to Jaebum in the first place.

“Of course I invited you,” Jaebum said, rubbing his back. “I mean, who was it who kept us in touch about how Mark was doing this whole time? Besides, we're friends now.” He stressed the word 'friends,' as if it was term he was only using now because he had to.

“I should have been able to talk to you myself,” Mark said, pulling out his phone. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't be, hyung, you're better now,” BamBam said.

"Yeah, and with a spicy love life to boot," Jackson added.

“A situation as bad as that won't happen again,” Jinyoung said confidently.

“And if it does, we'll make a team effort this time,” Jaebum added. “That's what we're here for, right?”

Mark nodded. Although he really believed with all his heart that it wouldn't happen again, ever.

“And now I feel like I should give you and Jinyoung 'the talk',” Jackson said gravely.

“Oh god no, please,” Yugyeom said, sticking out his tongue. “I don't know, just let them do whatever it is they do, and don't worry about it.”

“I don't mean the talk, I think they can figure that one out on their own,” Jackson smirked. “I meant the if-you-hurt-Mark-I'll-break-your-nose talk.”

“S-Shouldn't I be s-s-saying that?” Youngjae asked. “I'm his c-c-closest friend, I s-s-should be the one to p-p-punch Jinyoung ah.”

“How nice of you,” Jinyoung said mildly.

“Still, I feel a sense of responsibility over Jinyoung. Jaebum and I were his wingmen, after all,” Jackson said solemnly. “As for Mark, it's enough for me if you just do your best to put up with Jinyoung. He's not a bad guy-- actually, he's way too nice of a guy-- but it goes to his head when he has something or someone he wants. He's the 'absolutely no one can take it from me' kind of guy, in his heart.”

“You say that like it's a bad thing.”

“Mark's a good looking guy. You're not going to be the only one who notices.”

Jinyoung frowned. “I guess they're more than welcome to notice, as long as they know that he's mine.”

“You can't just go around telling people that,” Mark replied in alarm, though his digital voice conveyed it tonelessly. Part of his mind secretly loved the idea of Jinyoung doing just that, but practicality won out. He wasn't prepared to face the consequences of being outed to anyone else but his closest friends just yet.

“I won't tell them. They'll figure it out on their own.”

When it got darker, Youngjae badgered Jackson into turning on the skylights so they could play a game of soccer while it was still warm enough to be outside. The others also decided to join in, but Jinyoung declined, instead asking Mark to join him in walking Fusilli for awhile.

“This is good,” Jinyoung said, grabbing onto Fusilli's leash. “This reminds me of last time. It felt kind of like a first date. And I got to hold your hand.”

Am I not allowed to do it this time?

“It will be hard for us to talk.”

We don't always need to talk to understand each other.

“True.” He lifted his free hand. “You want to?”

Mark nodded, sliding his hand against Jinyoung's. How warm. He loved the feeling of it, of Jinyoung's beautiful fingers wrapping around his, sharing their warmth. He'd always hated having his hands enclosed like this before, since it felt just like a gag cutting him off, but the way Jinyoung did it was different. He wasn't silencing him. He knew that Mark's voice existed in other places than just his hands.

Fusilli, for once keeping a slow pace, gently led them down the street. It wasn't too dark since there were street lights lit, probably set to go off soon now that it was almost bedtime for everyone else, and even if they had been dimmed, there was still a full moon out alongside dozens of stars.

“After my parents died, before I came to live with Gramps, I was at the house by myself for awhile," Jinyoung said softly as he looked up at the stars, not quite sad, but certainly pensive. "Well, not technically by myself. I had other relatives there to look after me, of course. But it felt like I was by myself."

Mark nodded. He knew Jinyoung didn't talk about this a lot, and he just needed to listen.

“The last night I was there, it was a night like this. Cloudless, I mean, with all the stars.” He held onto Mark's hand a little tighter. "I had spent pretty much every day crying up to the funeral and after, but that night I wanted to go outside and say goodbye. To my hometown... to them. I had a perfect view of the sky, it was so clear that night. It felt like I could see hundreds of lights in the sky. Maybe thousands. I got it into my head to try to connect all the constellations, just to do something and get my mind off of everything, but I couldn't remember a single one. Not even the Dippers, or how to find the North Star. It was such a stupid thing, but I thought I would cry all over again with how frustrated I was. Then I looked in the opposite direction, and in that part of the sky right over the house, there was a shooting star. It's supposed to be good luck to wish on one, right? I hadn't thought to wish on the first, so I promised myself if there was another one, I would look forward to the new future happily and go to Seoul instead of moping my life away at home. I swore to myself I would try to find a more beautiful and happier life, even if it meant being brave and leaving behind everything I was used to. I didn't think there would be another one, honestly. Shooting stars aren't supposed to be that common. But I only had to wait one more minute for another one to fall. It was so strange."

Mark remembered from his trip to the Grand Canyon when he was little and living in America that it really wasn't too rare to see multiple shooting stars in a night when you had a clear view of the sky that wasn't obscured by buildings or city smoke, but perhaps Jinyoung didn't know that. Mark decided not to tell him, and to let him finish.

"That was my lucky star, I thought. And I was right. I came here, and I found you. Maybe I would have made it here anyways. Maybe it was something that was fated, all of this. But anyways, that was just something I was thinking of tonight. How lucky it was that the wish I made on the shooting star came true. And it wasn't a wish to come here, exactly. I just asked to find my happiness. And here you are.”

Mark released Jinyoung's hand. You're sentimental, he said, smiling nonetheless.

“Maybe,” Jinyoung said gently. “You're the first person I told that to. So that if there's ever a moment where you question whether or not I'm happy, you know.”

Next time I see one, I'll make a wish, too.

“What kind of wish?”

I shouldn't tell you before it comes true.

“You don't have everything you want already? Am I not doing this right?”

You're doing just fine.

“I think I could be doing better.”

No. How can anything be better than this? He leaned over and kissed Jinyoung's lips, holding him tenderly as Fusilli barked and fussed for them to start walking again. He jerked on the leash, yanking Jinyoung away too soon. Or maybe at the exact right moment, because when Mark's eyes flew open, he saw over Jinyoung's shoulder a star sailing through the illuminated night sky.

He closed his eyes and made his wish. Not for happiness or love, which he already had. Not for a voice, which he never would. There was only one thing he wanted now, one thing left worth wishing for on his lucky, falling star.

Forever.

-FIN-

A/N: Guys, thank you so much for your love and support of this story. I hope you enjoyed it and had a good time reading :D Thanks as well for sharing your thoughts with me <3 This fanbase is so awesome~ Markjin, fighting!