A/N: I'm so happy you guys  we're so supportive of the last chapter ^_^ I hope you continue to enjoy, and thank you so much for the love!

7. A First

Mark woke up with the thought that it was going to be a good day. It had been since before his attack that he'd felt that way, so the feeling surprised him a little. He'd been recuperating well from the incident, and his throat had healed completely. Mentally, he also felt like he was in a much better place. His short conversation with Jinyoung had helped a little, and even though he wasn't sure what would happen with them, he felt a little bit more at peace with it. Whatever the form of it was, he was loved, at least. Youngjae, Jinyoung, Yugyeom, Jaebum, Jackson, and BamBam had seen to that in his absence: Youngjae and Jaebum sent him a Get Well Soon bear carrying a heart filled with candy, Yugyeom mailed him another free meal ticket to his family's restaurant for when he was feeling up to it, Eunmi had added a get well message of her own to his card, Jackson and BamBam had sent him a stack of DVDs to watch in his downtime, and Jinyoung sent a huge bouquet of roses that had surprised both of Mark's parents when it arrived at their doorstep. Even Joohyun stepped in, getting the Sign Language class to sign a card for him, with several of the signatures saying they missed him and wanted him to come back.

Mark gazed out his bedroom window at the sunny skies before him and smiled. Perhaps demanding anything more from life would be selfish; there was happiness in the life he had, too. Perhaps his life had started out unluckily with his illness and subsequent struggles, but there was no denying he was fortunate now. Maybe that was why today felt like it would be a special day-- because he finally realized that simple thing his mind had denied for years until it caved in on itself.

He extended his hands and opened the window, breathing in the cool autumn air and filling his lungs. There, they're full. No emptiness at all. So full that there's no room for a silly voice I don't need. He touched his fingers gently to his throat. So it's goodbye this time. I'm going to stop waiting for you and start living the life ahead of me.

For the first time in awhile, the first thing he did after he had dressed and eaten was go to the workshop to see his father. He'd left a viola half finished before his episode, and it was still hanging on the rack untouched when he entered into the building. His hands itched for it. He wanted to get back to work again, but first he knew he needed to speak with his father.

Mark, his father signed, gesturing for Mark to sit down beside him on the work bench. Feeling up to working today?

Mark nodded. I'm sorry, dad.

What are you sorry for?

For making you and mom go through that again.

Shouldn't you be more sorry that you put yourself through it again?

Mark nodded. I'm sorry for that, too. It won't happen again.

Is that something you can really promise?

I probably can't. But this is the first time I've really wanted to change this badly. Maybe that counts for something.

Maybe it does. After all, your mother and I never thought you lost something when you stopped speaking. You gained something. Another chance to live. That was the real thing almost taken away from you. But you survived. You're living and breathing in front of me today. I don't know how much I believe in miracles, but surely that was one. All we've wanted for you to do is to treasure that life with everything you have, and to never regret the things you no longer have in the face of the gift that was given to you. If you understand that now, then it wasn't too late. And what you just promised may very well become something you can live up to.

Mark smiled at his father. I think I'm beginning to understand.

Good. Then move forward with that confidence. Your mother and I will look carefully after you, as we always have. He turned back the the violin he'd been working on. Get your tools, boy, and let's see if you've become rusty.

It would take more than a few weeks' break to make Mark rusty, and he felt right at home again with his tools back in his hands. Life is moving forward again, he thought. Well, it's always been moving forward, but differently now. Moving forward with confidence. And I'm trying to move along with it, for once.

Mark worked all afternoon with his father in the workshop before cleaning up and heading into the kitchen. He hadn't eaten much of anything in awhile, and he had the sudden urge for it. He pulled out all the ingredients for kimchi jjigae and  the stove top, immersing himself in the sound of the water boiling and the steam wafting against his face. It felt a little bit like coming back to life after a long slumber, returning to all the things he'd done before with them feeling beautifully fresh. He smiled again. It really was a beautiful day, after all.

His mom stepped into the kitchen, her eyes widening as she saw Mark in the midst of cooking. “M-Mark? Feeling good today?”

He nodded.

“You always did head straight to the kitchen for something to eat when you're having a good day,” she said, smiling. “And you look so refreshed today, dear. It's nice to see.” She took a peek into the pot on the stove. “Oh, but you're making quite a bit. Did you forget that your father and I were going over to your sister's today? We won't be here for dinner.”

Mark shook his head. He'd completely forgotten.

“Ah, well, your food always makes for delicious leftovers. Or...” She pursed her lips. “Hmmm, perhaps... would you excuse me for a moment? I need to make a phone call.”

Mark shrugged, not understanding what she was thinking of. He had no problem keeping whatever he didn't eat as leftovers, which would probably be quite a bit considering he'd already started making a few side dishes to go along with the meal. He was cooking for his own satisfaction for the most part today rather than for the final result, so it didn't make a difference to him.

A few moments later, his mother came back into the room. “Make as much as you want, dear, don't worry. Your father and I will be heading out now.” She stood on her tip-toes and kissed his cheek. “Have a good evening, and don't worry about staying up for us. We'll be staying over for church in the morning, and will be back tomorrow afternoon. Mind the house for us, all right?”

An evening in by himself sounded just perfect to Mark. He was getting to the point where it would be okay for him to go back to school soon, so he wanted to take what time he had left to relax and unwind enough to face up to all the explanations he would have to give for what happened. And there was still the matter of his feelings for Jinyoung left unresolved. He didn't exactly want to put them on hold, but he didn't see how much a person in his state could really do about them.

He grabbed a spoon and stirred the stew, stopping to take a bite of what he'd made. Excellent as always. It was somewhat of a shame that he'd be eating it alone if only because there would be no one around to compliment him for it.

Just as he turned down the temperature of the stove, Mark heard the doorbell ringing. Strange. He wasn't expecting anyone, and it was much too late for the mailman to be coming. Perhaps it was his mother or father returning because they'd forgotten something. He took the pot off the burner and went to open the door.

It was Jinyoung. A completely out of breath and slumped over Jinyoung, but Jinyoung all the same. Mark's heart gave him a painful kick in the chest, and his breath caught. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, so he stood there frozen until Jinyoung figured it out for him.

“I...ran...all...the...way...here,” Jinyoung gasped. “Your...mother...told me... you were fine... to see...people... again.”

Did she?, Mark thought, a bit cross with her. He had eavesdropped on her telling Jinyoung that she'd let him know as soon as he was okay, but he hadn't thought she'd do it so quickly, or at an opportunity where he'd have to deal with Jinyoung entirely on his own.

Mark slid his hand over his heart, willing its erratic beating to slow down. You've been planning for this, he reminded himself. Isn't it better to do it now when your mood is good? All the same, he didn't exactly want his mood to go down either. There was something satisfying about seeing Jinyoung again after so long, but an anxiety that had never been there before coursed through him. He wanted to talk to him about everything, and he knew he had to, but he was still worried about how Jinyoung would react.

He opened the door wider. Come in, then, he signed. If this was his mother's solution to his excess of food, so be it. It would be a challenge, but no worse than what he'd already suffered. Or at least that's what he hoped.

“How are you feeling?” Jinyoung asked, finally getting ahold of his voice.

Better.

“You look all right, but I didn't see you after...” Jinyoung flinched.

After I tried to scratch my own throat open, Mark finished for him. It's okay. I can talk about it.

“I'd understand if you didn't, but I'm glad. I was worried that you felt you couldn't trust me at all. But I guess I don't understand everything about you as well as someone like Youngjae...” He trailed off, glancing towards to table. “Ah... you liked my roses?”

Mark nodded. Nice of you to send them.

“It was the least I could do. What I really wanted was to see you, but if that wasn't good for you, these would have to do.” He took a seat at the table, watching as Mark went to grab the pot of jjigae and the other dishes to get them ready. “I'm glad to see you now, though. I've been thinking about it so long. How you were doing, whether or not you'd be all right when I saw you. You look all right, but...” He paused, waiting for Mark to turn and look at him. “Are you, Mark?”

Mark set the bowl he'd been holding down. I'm fine. There are still some things I need to think about, but I'm fine. I don't think it will be happening again.

Jinyoung looked at him carefully. “Your mother explained to me why this has happened before. About you thinking your voice was lost inside of you.”

I don't think that way anymore.

“But... I don't know why you felt that way at all.” He met Mark's eyes pleadingly. “I've always felt you had a voice. One that didn't need to be spoken out loud, but one that spoke within your hands or your piano or just you. I had no idea you didn't believe the same thing.”

It wasn't something I thought of all the time. Only when I was scared or hurt or confused. It always came back to me then. It was a weakness on my part, I know that. Mark shook his head, picking up the dishes and putting them down in front of Jinyoung. I want you to know, he said when his hands were free, that there's nothing you've done wrong as my friend. I've been happy these past few months. What happened to me was because of my own weakness. I don't hold you accountable.

“Are you saying that it was because you were weak?” Jinyoung clarified. “I don't see you that way. You've always been incredibly strong to me. Strong willed especially. For someone who had gone through so much, you had a lot of bravery and stubbornness in you.”

Bravery and stubbornness, but not always strength. When I met you, I put up a wall immediately. If I was as strong as those defenses, I wouldn't have needed them.

He didn't think Jinyoung understood what he'd said, so he nudged the jjigae to him, indicating him to eat. Jinyoung did so reluctantly, presumably still wanting to talk, but his expression immediately relaxed as he ate. “This is good,” he said. “I'm glad your mother called.”

Mark thought he might have been glad a little bit, too. Jinyoung was bringing up difficult things, but talking to him was the pleasure it always was. He liked knowing that Jinyoung was looking at him genuinely, and was concerned about his well-being on a deeper level. It really was a touching thing in its own way, and it made him feel even guiltier that Jinyoung thought that he was somehow responsible for Mark's attack by not making him happy enough or understanding him well.

“I think you probably know this by now,” Jinyoung said once he'd consumed all the contents of his bowl. “But you're incredibly important to me... to us. When you're hurting, we hurt, too. I'm not asking you to be okay at every minute, because I know that it's not possible. But if something like this ever happens again, do you think you'd be able to trust me to help you? Because honestly, I never want to suffer through having you in pain from a distance again. When Youngjae-ssi got ahold of me about what had happened to you... I really didn't know what to do. I know nothing about what an attack like yours would feel like. But I can only imagine... how much pain you were in, how alone you felt. Maybe I can't change the amount of pain you feel, but at least the part about being alone is something I can make better.”

Mark looked at him, his stomach sinking oddly at his words. Have I ever told you before that you're too nice to people?

“Several times.”

That kindness makes me envious sometimes. Because I know it's not just for me. It's for everyone. It's not that I don't think you should be kind, but I know the exact same things you do that make me feel special, you'd do for anyone else. If I were another one of your friends, you'd be saying these exact same words. But what worries me more is that because you're so kind and because you worry about everyone else, the last thing you need is someone with as many burdens as I have, when what you really need is someone to take care of your own burdens. You shouldn't have to be strong for two people. He felt himself wavering a little, so looked determinedly into Jinyoung's eyes. I don't know if I'm strong enough, but I love you. I want to be someone who can look out for you, but I don't want to try and fail, not when it comes to someone as important as you. I'd understand it if there really is someone you love instead of me, like I think there might be. Maybe it would be better for you to be with someone as kind as you are. But I love you. And I'll try somehow to be better and stronger so if nothing else, I'm at least worthy of all that kindness you've given me and be able to somehow give it all back to you.

He realized as soon as he'd finished that he said everything too quickly using signs Jinyoung probably had no chance of understanding. The last thing he wanted was to go through and type up everything all over again, especially since he felt he'd said it right the first time. He looked at Jinyoung's face, which was half wrinkled up in concentration and half flushed, and held his breath. He surely understood at least some it. Mark waited to hear just how much before figuring out how he would be able to express it all over again without exhausting his will to make the confession in the first place.

“First thing,” Jinyoung said, looking back at him intently. “Who could you possibly think I'm in love with?”

Mark had no idea how Jinyoung always picked up those things in particular over the truly important bits. He really did need to use his phone or this conversation would go nowhere. He grabbed it and started punching in an answer. "I don't know. I talked to your grandfather. He said you'd fallen in love with someone with a beautiful voice, and I really don't know how to stretch that into meaning me."

“He said that?” Jinyoung repeated, a bit dazedly. “Oh my god. Um. Well, he wasn't wrong. But the real meaning is complicated. And... oh my god, this is so embarrassing. Maybe I should just start at the beginning.” He looked at Mark warily. “You know the time I hit you and Eunmi? Well, of course you know, I only made your shin a black and blue mess. But the thing is that I lied a little bit. About why it happened. And about not realizing I had hit you. The reason I wiped out in the first place was because of you.”

“What are you saying, all I was doing was walking to class?"

“I know. That's why it's embarrassing. Jaebum had made a bet with me that I couldn't ride down the ramp on his ripboard, and I was trying to prove him wrong. And then I looked up and there you were.”

“I don't understand."

“I didn't understand either. You were just walking normally, except you had this really ferocious look on your face, as if you'd knock over the next person who crossed you. And your eyes... your eyes were tense. As if you were in a bubble, and you didn't want the rest of the world coming anywhere close to you. It interested me. No, maybe interested isn't right. Things like that... maybe this has to do with what you said about me being too nice or whaever, but I like that sort of thing. Not people who need me, exactly, but people who just need one single person to show them the world isn't as bad as they think it is.  If that person winds up being me, then fine. With you, I really, really wanted it to be me."

Mark stared at him, absorbing all of this. "Go on."

"Well, before I knew what was happening, I'd totally lost track of what I was doing and the board got out of control. It hurtled down the ramp and hit you, and then Eunmi. I thought it may have been lucky because I'd have a reason to talk to you, but then you looked at me with this really terrifying glare, and I chickened out. I pretended Eunmi was the only one I hit and you walked away. I got lucky when I saw you again in the cafeteria, and I tried to use Jaebum as an excuse as to why I didn't apologize to you, but you wouldn't say anything to me.” He smiled wryly. “I get why now. But then I got lucky a third time when I saw you again in Sign Language, and I knew it was incredibly important that I didn't let you get away again. I still didn't understand it all the way then, but it really didn't take me that long. I liked you. I wanted to break into your bubble and make you happy that I had. You probably thought that was me treating you like a charity case, but it wasn't. I actually thought I was being incredibly selfish. Here was someone who was surviving by his own wits, and I was forcing him to let me in. But I couldn't accept any other ending. I wanted to be with you. I've actually never wanted anything so much in my entire life.”

He took a deep breath, staring fixedly into Mark's eyes. “That's why I hope I wasn't having a hallucination when I saw you sign 'I love you' to me just now. Because you're the one I'm in love with. Couldn't you figure that out for yourself? I explained it complicatedly to my grandfather because I didn't know if he'd approve, but I didn't lie. I'm in love with your voice. I love listening to it. You knew that, didn't you? I said it myself. Your voice is everywhere around you, everything about you, and it's the sweetest, most beautiful voice in the world whether it's your hands or your phone or your piano or just the reactions of your body. I was interested in you from the beginning, but you speaking to me, that's what made me love you completely. I've been wanting to confess to you for ages, but I wanted to wait until you were more comfortable with me. If Eunmi hadn't interrupted us at your concert, we would have definitely... well, we would have, wouldn't we? I thought you wanted to. I hope you still might. Because 'I love you' was one of the first signs I learned so I would one day be able to say it to you, and I'm pretty sure you said you loved me, but didn't think you were worthy of being loved back. But that's not going to happen. So is it all right if I continue to think my interpretation of what you said is right?”

Mark stared at him, his mind barely processing anything that had just been said. "But I'm really not any good for you. After all you've gone through, do you really want to be saddled with someone who's still getting over a mental issue?"

“Saddled? Mark Tuan, I'm going to get so angry if you really think of me that way. Of course recovering from losing my parents was horrible. But don't you realize this whole time that I've been getting better little by little because of you? Maybe you don't know because you didn't see how I was before I met you. It was hard for me to talk and laugh and to have enough energy to go out and do the things I normally did. Meeting Jackson and Jaebum and all of them was the first step to me getting better, but they weren't the ones who really helped me come back to life these past few months. That was you. Watching you come out of your shell and face the world together with me was what healed me. I don't even know how you've done so much for me and yet don't even realize it.” He shook his head. "And so what if you're still recovering? So am I. You don't think we can do that together?

Mark abadnoned his phone. No, that's not what I think at all, but-

“Why do you keep saying but? Do you not like me, after all?”

Mark shook his head desperately. No. I love you. You saw me just right. But since I didn't think you were going to react this way, you have to forgive me if I need to process this a little. I really thought I was going to have to give up on you for awhile, and--

To his surprise, Jinyoung interrupted him this time by taking his hands. “I'm sorry if this is rude,” he murmured. “But it happens to people who won't stop talking when they're supposed to be kissing the person who loves them. You can be amazed all you want later. For now...” He leaned in, and before Mark had the change to react, Jinyoung's lips were pushing against his. He thought he might panic for a moment, but nothing else came to him but a sweet sense of his body being washed over with desire. There really was no sense of emptiness inside of him when Jinyoung touched him. Instead, he felt incredibly full. Love was pouring into him from the point where they connected, and with every movement Jinyoung made, it surged through him anew. He pulled his hands away from Jinyoung's and pressed them against his face, pushing himself further in. Jinyoung made a muffled noise, then teased his tongue against Mark's lips, helping him open up further. It was such a heated touch, but Mark felt himself shivering with a new awareness. This was what it was like to be wanted, to have someone accept every little part of him and want to go further. He'd never experienced anything like it before, and now he was amazed that it had taken him this long just to feel fulfilled, to accept not only someone else, but to accept himself, too.

Jinyoung pulled away, still gazing longingly into Mark's eyes. My mouth wasn't like an abyss, Mark automatically signed, if only to put the thought behind him once and for all.

“What?” Jinyoung asked, staring at him in concern. “Are you saying it was good? Bad?”

Amazing. Perfect. Thank you. Thank you so much.

“A kiss is kind of an odd thing to be thanking someone for?” Jinyoung laughed. “I was doing it because I wanted to. I've wanted to for a long time.”

And I'm thanking you anyways. Because even when I worried that you might not love me, you were the reason I wanted to change. And now that you do love me, there's no way I'm going to mess this up.

"I'll promise not to either." Jinyoung bit his lips. “Although, I can't promise to be perfect. I haven't dated anyone in ages. You know, the fact that you're the only person I've ever been this crazy over might tell me something about that.”

What's it tell you?

Jinyoung sighed. "I have to say it outright and sound all sappy? That I was waiting for someone like you, of course."

Mark grinned widely. I know you won't like it, but I feel like thanking you all over again.

“Don't. Just take care of yourself and let me take care of you. It would kill me if you hurt yourself again.” Jinyoung paused, leaning over to rest his head on Mark's shoulder. “You always call me an idiot, but you were the bigger one this whole time. How on earth could you ever think I didn't love you? From the moment I met you, I haven't been able to think of anything else. Whenever you're not around, I only feel like practicing Sign Language because it reminds me of you, and when I do practice singing, all I can think of is showing off to you. I've had Tchaikovsky on non-stop playlist ever since we went to the concert together. And don't even ask me about my dreams at night, because you honestly don't want to know.”

I don't? Mark leaned in. What do we do? Do I kiss you?

“So much that I can't take it anymore.”

You haven't reached that point yet.

“Then it looks like you still have some work to do.”

He lifted his head up and Mark cupped it in his hands and kissed him again, more tenderly this time, treating him like a treasure he wanted to thoroughly enjoy. He was holding back a little bit, but that was fine for now. They had time. Amazingly, a lot of it. Following Mark's lead, Jinyoung took each of his responses equally slowly. His hands inched languidly down Mark's neck and to his collarbones, then down to his chest and stomach. Mark's own hands wound through his hair, occasionally pressing him closer or tugging gently. When Jinyoung's hands skimmed over his legs, Mark finally deepened their kiss, pressing Jinyoung hard into the back of his chair and gripping him tightly, almost possessively. They were both a little bit out of breath when they finally separated. “It's y,” Jinyoung murmured, his voice beautifully thick. “When you touch me, I keep thinking that it's your hands... the same hands that have said 'I love you' to me. I want you to touch me more.”

It's probably not even close to how I feel when you touch me. I've always been obsessed with your hands. He took one of them in his, and traced up and down his long fingers.

“Mark, you're really tempting me here.”

Mark gently dropped his hand. Should I do something about it, then?

“Ah... I guess... that's what it is then.” He swallowed, rising to his feet. “Um, I'm sure we can find some place better than the kitchen.”

Mark looked regretfully at all the dirty dishes he'd have to put off until later before remembering the very good reason he had to ignore them completely. Shaking his head, he grabbed Jinyoung's wrist and pulled him up to his bedroom. It felt a little strange for a moment to walk in to what he'd always thought of as his fortress of solitude with all its carefully chosen decorations and tributes to music, but the moment his hands found Jinyoung's waist and gently guided him to his bed, he realized it wasn't an intrusion at all. Jinyoung was simply entering into another part of his life where he arguably belonged. He liked the feeling of Jinyoung being in his bed with him, looking up at him with his hair splayed out against his pillow.

“Do you have anything?” Jinyoung murmured. “I wasn't expecting... I mean, I did want to tell you how I felt, but I thought it would be later, after you were better. Um, so...”

Mark was surprised-- and a little bit nervous-- that Jinyoung was already thinking of it, though he blessedly didn't know yet that Mark had only just experienced his first kiss and was just as new to everything that would come after. It's fine, he signed. We don't have to do everything.

“Eh? Now I'm feeling a little disappointed. You could at least try to argue with me on this.”

We should do it properly, shouldn't we? I woudn't want it to be bad or unsafe for you, so let's at least wait until I can take care of you better than this. It should be special.

“Hmm, looks like I need to brush up on my signing. I think you're telling me no, though.” Jinyoung snickered. “But okay. I get it. I'm being a little agressive for a first-timer, aren't I? I just don't want you to put me off forever.” He Mark's cheek. “I want you, everything about you, so I've been thinking about this for awhile, probably ten times more than you have, I bet. Is that selfish?”

Mark shook his head. He wanted to exact same thing, even though his distance from the idea of love for so long had kept it from becoming a fixation for him until now. He was half tempted to ask Jinyoung to go back to his own house and get what they needed if he had it, or at least go to the convenience store and take care of it, but he didn't want him to leave either. It felt more important that Jinyoung stayed at his side and that even if there was a line they weren't going to cross, they would at least sort everything out while they were right in front of each other.

“I'm really sorry about your shin, by the way,” Jinyoung said, lifting his chin up towards Mark's lips for another kiss. “But I'm glad it happened anyways. Have I made up for it yet?”

Mark didn't say anything. If he could still get Jinyoung to make up for it with this kind of love, he was pretty sure he was going to hold it against him forever, that happy moment when they'd come into each other's worlds. The meet-cute that belonged to him and only him all along.

0o0

He woke up the next morning at eleven, and was quickly clued into the fact that none of it had been a dream. Jinyoung was still half-undressed and sleeping beside him, and their clothes were littered around the bed haphazardly. Mark had kept his word and refrained from going all the way, but they'd done just about everything else for the evening they were together. Thinking about it made him blush a little bit, but not so much because he was embarrassed. In fact, he'd do it all over again if the clock didn't read eleven o'clock, indicating that his parents were going to be coming back in an hour.

Mark shook Jinyoung awake. We need to clean up, he signed. Jinyoung groaned and looked as if he very much wanted to fall back asleep, so Mark leaned down and kissed him. It took a moment, but that definitely woke him up. He reached up and pulled Mark into him, trying to go for a much deeper wake up kiss.

Regretfully, Mark shook his head. Clean up. My parents are coming back.

Jinyoung made a face, but obligingly dug around for his clothes and got dressed together with Mark. Mark quickly went down to the kitchen to clean up the dishes from the day before. If his parents made it back without that being done, they'd definitely realize something was wrong, and he really wasn't prepared to have the “talk” with them so soon after he'd finally gotten a lover.

Mark smiled. My lover. He did the signs to himself. He'd never gotten to call someone that before, and it made him happy all over again to know that it had been able to happen to him in spite of everything.

“My lover, mmm?” Jinyoung mumured, wrapping him in a back hug. “I know that one, too. I thought it would be useful to learn, just like 'I love you'.”

Mark lifted his hands so Jinyoung would be able to see over his shoulder. Were you learning to sign with just that in mind?

“Just that? Not just that, exactly. Just you. Well, gramps, too. But mostly you. I told you, right? You're the one I've been thinking of, ever since I met you. My lover.”

Mark leaned into his embrace, blissfully closing his eyes. Today felt like it would be a good day, too. He was ready to start living again, if every day would be as good as this. He really had been given a beautiful gift after all. Just as he'd promised, he wouldn't let any other loss or absence take away that feeling from him, or the feeling of love that filled him and made a complete person, one without emptiness or a single missing piece that kept him from being whole.