it's been some time ;;; been busy with school and life in general sIGH but im coping : ) happy new year!

Sunday went by painfully. The girl did all sorts of things. She cleaned, exercised, baked, finished all her delayed homework and even took out books to study. But, something felt amiss that day. Something felt wrong.

Haesoo found herself biting her lips more often that day. There was anxiety and a whole lot of nerve, but the worst part was how she didn’t even know why. She just felt restless.

Sure, she didn’t lose her smile. But, when she did smile, she smiled way too much. It was weird, especially since there wasn’t anyone home with her.

As she made her 5^th round of notes, the telephone began ringing, making her jump in shock. She threw her pen aside and practically ran towards the telephone in big steps. Before she answered, she made sure to clear .

“Yeoboseyo?” she said in a calm voice, as if she hadn’t just sprinted across the house.

A familiar deep voice spoke over the phone. Oh, it’s just Jisoo.

Disappointment oddly settled within her. “What’s up?”

“You busy?”

“Not really,” she sighed, staring at the papers on her table she had been waiting to dump aside anyway.

“I’m coming over. Is your neighbour home?”

Haesoo’s neighbour, Madam Jung, had a basketball court on her lawn. It was initially for the house’s only son, but the son had years ago went abroad to study in Australia. Since then, Madam Jung had allowed Haesoo to use the court whenever she needed it.

“Uhhuh! I’ll wait!”

Once the call ended, Haesoo placed the phone back, sighing.

“Ahhhh,” she groaned, wondering why she felt so restless that day and hoping having Jisoo around would change that somehow.

After 20 painful minutes, she finally heard the sound of the basketball hitting the pavement. Messily packing her stuff, Haesoo practically dumped her books and stationary aside before running out to her front lawn and crossed over to her neighbour’s, grabbing her Jordan’s on her way.

The door to Madam Jung’s house opened once Haesoo stepped into her vicinity. The 50-year-old lady smiled at them, walking out all dressed up including a branded bag and a pair of pastel pink heels that looked pretty new.

“Where you headed, ma’am?” Haesoo asked, genuinely curious.

As Haesoo slipped her feet into her shoes, Madam Jung spoke. “I’m going to a High Tea event with some friends.”

As the woman charismatically pulled her fingers through her hair, Haesoo burst out laughing. “Are you now~? You look pretty, ma’am~.”

The lady laughed. “Always such a sweetie, you. You guys clean up and make sure the gate is locked once you’re done, okay?”

“Ne~” Haesoo nodded and greeted the leaving lady goodbye.

Once she was done fixing her shoelaces, she sighed and lied down on her back, watching Jisoo freethrow. The boy noticed the pout on her face.

“What’s up with you?”

Unlike how she would usually react, Haesoo surprisingly didn’t burst out on a full-on rant. She just sighed and looked up at the sky, shrugging.

Jisoo got it then. This was one of those moments Haesoo would feel off, but choose not to talk about it. Most of the time, it was because she had her period and was feeling down for no particular reason. Whatever it was, in moments like this, Jisoo did one thing.

He pulled the girl up on her feet and placed the orange ball in her hands.

When she stared blankly at him, he pulled her into the court and positioned her body to face the hoop. The girl obediently looked at the hoop, trusting Jisoo, however still not moving.

Only when he pushed her slightly from the back to make the throw did she bounce the ball on the ground once before aiming.

Her cheeky smile begrudgingly returned to her face once the ball went through the net.

Soon, Haesoo was almost completely back to her normal self, laughing and giggling. With the ball in hand, she was more distracted from her previous thoughts. Haesoo focused on taunting Jisoo with her defence, teasing him once in a while with the ball, lavishing the face he made when he tried to grab for the ball. But Haesoo was too fast for him, and that was one thing she had over Jisoo in the sport – speed.

When she made another successful throw, she laughed in glee.

Jisoo, though competitive and was honestly very focused in the game, softened and found himself smiling at the sight of the girl. He watched as the previously very sad-looking girl engaged in a mini victory dance in front of him, singing Boom Shakalaka while taunting him with her booty shake.

Haesoo’s smile was so cheap, it was actually inspiring for the boy who was known for his resting face.

Haesoo threw the ball at him and hollered at him. “Come on, try and score.”

Driven by the challenge, Jisoo dribbled across the court towards the hoop, planning to do a dunk. Haesoo, the shorter one, was always jealous of his dunks simply because she couldn’t do it for herself.

But when against Haesoo, dunks weren’t easy what with her strong defense. She easily stole the ball and dribbled closer to the hoop. She lured Jisoo to jump by pretending to aim, a trick he fell for. Only when he had landed on his feet, and she saw the free space, did she throw the ball, 99% sure it would go through the net.

But, before she could enjoy the joy of another score over Jisoo, the sound she’d been waiting for the past few hours rang from her house. The telephone. She gasped, her smile gone, and quickly ran over to her house, leaving a confused Jisoo behind. The ball bounced away, forgotten.

The boy watched as the girl sprinted for her house, not bothering to even change into her house shoes. Her face was filled with extreme excitement and hopefulness.

And within seconds, the boy had connected the dots. He knew what was up with the unusually silent girl. He had been wondering why she was smiling differently that day.

The telephone soon stopped ringing after a few seconds and a moodless Haesoo came out of the house again, her previous excitement gone.

“My mom’s coming home with food. Stay for dinner,” she grunted monotonously before stomping back into her house.

The boy could only let out a small laugh, more amused than worried.

*******

The trio sat together, wordlessly finishing their meal. There was only the sound of spoons hitting the bowl and the occasional sipping of the soups.

It was so boring that the variation of expressions became interesting.

Haesoo’s mother was basically focused on her food, making sure to clean the bowl of all the remaining rice and wiping out all the remaining side dishes. Haesoo, on the other hand, was lazily eating her portion, her face clearly depicting how clouded her mind was. Jisoo’s face was filled with curiosity and caution, studying their similar facial expressions.

Their silent behaviour at the dinner table fell together so perfectly; it was entertaining for Jisoo to watch throughout his meal.

It was actually a stark contrast to his family dinners, in which his father would be chatting away with his grandfather about the soccer game on TV, while his mother would continuously bring out food when the side dishes or rice ran out. His sister would be busy with her phone, cackling at her group chats, totally ignoring the family. In any case, it would be 20 times more chaotic than Haesoo’s dinner table.

Once they were done, Haesoo’s mother patted her stomach and sighed happily after gulfing down the free food. As Haesoo put down her chopsticks, her mother nudged her from under the table.

The girl raised an eyebrow at her mother, wordlessly asking what she wanted. Jisoo watched as the mother used her chin to signal to the array of bowls on the table before using her chin to point at the kitchen. She was signalling her daughter to clean up the table, with her chin.

The famous chin. Believe it or not, Haesoo’s mother had once done a CF showcasing her chin before. None of her other features were revealed, though, as the commercial ad had been advertising a weight loss program that later disappeared from the face of earth due to unpopularity. The point of the CF was how a “patient” had lost weight and, subsequently, her double chin. Haesoo’s mother had funnily been casted off the streets for her chin and had been paid to showcase her chin as the perfect sharp chin.

And this same chin was her weapon against her only daughter.

Though, in response, Haesoo made a face, choosing to ignore her mother’s request because she was too lazy. But Haesoo’s mother was adamant, and she nudged the girl’s feet with hers a few more times, knowing her daughter would give in soon enough.

True to her expectations, Haesoo got up begrudgingly and began piling up the dishes. If there was something Haesoo hated more than people who didn’t have manners, she hated it when people would repeat things. This included repeated pokes or nudges. She loathed it.

The girl elbowed Jisoo who was watching silently. “Help me.”

Haesoo’s mother clucked her tongue at this. “Yah. How can you make our guest do dishes? It’s okay, Jisoo, stay here with me.”

“Ignore the crazy lady. Pick up the drinks for me.”

Her mother’s jaw dropped at the insult her daughter just casually said. “Yah—”

But the boy shook his head. “It’s okay. I’ll help her.”

He assisted Haesoo with the dishes into the kitchen and the two began working together to finish the dishes. They worked in perfect unison, and the dishes were quickly done, as Haesoo soaped the bowls and Jisoo washed the soap off.

As they worked, Jisoo kept thinking of how he would bring up the waiting matter with the girl. He knew the reason why she was so restless had to be because she was actually worried about the results of the audition.

So it is true.

He had first thought that Haesoo might have just been trying to come up with an excuse when she said the whole auditioning decision was for herself. There was a big chance it was completely because she wanted to be there for Chanwoo, knowing her reckless self, but Jisoo had chosen not to question further.

Seeing her in her restless state the whole day, he now knew for sure, Haesoo really wanted a positive result out of the audition. It was easy to guess, given how she had just been so jumpy with every telephone ring, even sprinting for her house when the telephone was ringing earlier. She was probably waiting for the callback from YG.

Yet, while it was obvious to Jisoo that the girl wanted to pass the audition and actually change her life, it seemed the girl didn’t even acknowledge to herself that she was actually very desperate for the call. It was as if she was only subconsciously aware of her actual interest in the idol life; as if she didn’t want to want it.

And because of that, he found it hard to question her about her real motives and make her talk about the matter that clearly worried her.

But before he could muster the words to ask, Haesoo took off her gloves. “You finish up. I’m going to make some brownies.”

She was going to poop.

The boy’s face folded into a very disgusted expression. Jisoo had never thought he would hear a girl say such a thing, but that changed when he meet Haesoo who had proceeded to relieve herself in the toilet, smiling satisfied as she did so.

Once she was done, she got up to wash her hands at the sink. She soaped her fingers with her favourite scented soap before rinsing it off. As she dried them, Haesoo caught the sight of her own reflection in the mirror.

She blinked at herself. “Idol look, huh…”

She found her cheeks warming up as the memory of Seungri saying she had the ‘idol look’ revisited. Haesoo began giggling as she touched her own face, still not believing it. In her mind, she was wondering how she was going to break it to her friends that she’d seen Big Bang in real life. She badly wanted to tell them, but she didn’t know how, because it sounded so fake when she re-enacted it to herself.

And then she remembered. Somehow, if she did pass, she would even have to re-enact the whole thing to her mother. Oh, how would the lady react?

Haesoo’s mother is very protective. The girl had missed at least 5 non-local school trips because her mother refused to sign the form. As the only child and the only companion for her single mother, Haesoo’s mother seemed to bring protectiveness to a whole new level, denying Haesoo from hanging out with pretty much anyone besides Jisoo and Chanwoo who she knew were two of Haesoo’s best mates.

Not only did this collide with Haesoo’s school life, but it also messed up the girl’s social life, as she found it hard to actually get closer with the girls in her school, given how her mother was against the idea of visiting Noraebangs or going shopping, two of the girls’ favourite things. To her mother, Noraebangs were “unnecessary noise pollution” and shopping was to be done with an adult who had money and more responsibility.

Overtime, Haesoo didn’t even care as she found that she didn’t really want to spend her time hanging out with anyone besides Chanwoo and, occasionally, Jisoo who was a basketball buddy.

But this? This?

Haesoo already made her decision yesterday – that she would go for it if she did pass the audition. But her decision was nothing against her mother’s which was likely to be a huge “NO” when the woman begins considering how Haesoo would live in a dorm and thus away from her. Not to mention, her studies, despite still having to attend school, would be largely neglected because her focus would fully go to practice.

Thinking of this, she quickly shook her head to get the thoughts out of her head. She didn’t feel like thinking about it.

She saw her face in the mirror again and, this time, made a face.

“What idol look was he even on about?” she rolled her eyes.

Haesoo opened the door and almost got the shock of her life, met with Jisoo’s back.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, seeing how the utensils were still unwashed.

But Jisoo didn’t respond, staring from the entrance of the kitchen at the living room. Haesoo furrowed her eyebrows, but decided to finish up the dishes.

As she proceeded, Jisoo’s hand grabbed onto hers and pulled her back. “What—”

She paused, realising something was wrong.

A tiny feeling of fear and doubt crept from the corners of her chest as the anxiety she had been feeling since morning returned to fill her heart. Her forehead creased as she took hesitant steps towards the entrance, where she would be able to see the living room… where the telephone rang incessantly.

She heard the voice of her mother in the silence of the house answer the phone, and she bent next to Jisoo to confirm it for herself.

Gulping, she watched as her mother held the phone to her ear.

Was this it?

“Yes. I’m Kim Haesoo’s mother. You’re calling from an idol management?”

Oh my God.

“Wait— what do you mean passed—”

Both Haesoo’s and Jisoo’s eyes had widened when they heard it, their jaws dropping. Butterflies filled their stomachs as they heard the news.

Relief. Excitement.

But the same couldn’t be said for Haesoo’s mother who heaved in anger.

*******

The two waved at Jisoo’s retreating back.

“Bye, my second son~” her mother cooed out loud.

Haesoo cringed, embarrassed, but continued waving. Once his back had disappeared, the worry returned, knowing her mother would take this opportunity to really question her about the audition and possible assert that she wouldn’t sign the contract for her training programme or something.

When her mother had received the phone call, Haesoo had been excited at first, somewhat relieved she had passed. But when she saw the look on her mother’s face, her heart fell, realising the reality of the situation that she feared.

Her mother had sufficiently gathered what happened the day before – the whole auditioning process and how it came about after Haesoo went over to see Chanwoo outside the building. But, because Jisoo was there, Haesoo knew the tone she was using was fully controlled, and there was more to come once he left.

And so, even when Jisoo was gone and her mother had turned to her with an unhappy look, Haesoo ignored the angry lady and continued waving at the empty road, laughing nervously. Just as Haesoo would with the neighbourhood stray cat, she thought that maybe ignoring her mother would make her go away. But, her mother was no cat as she began tapping her feet impatiently, awaiting acknowledgement from her ignorant daughter.

Realising this, Haesoo cleared and dropped her arm to her side. She took a deep breath and slowly turned to face the wrath of her mother.

Sure enough, it was waiting for her.

Her mother lifted a hand, and spoke through her teeth. “Aigoo, gijibe-yah.”

Haesoo flinched, but never felt the smack. When she opened her eyes once again, she saw her mother use her famous chin again nodding at the house.

“We’re going to have a long talk, Haesoo-yah.”

*******

Haesoo watched from her seat as her mother paced back and forth in front of her, thinking of god-knows-what. Once in a while, her mother would stop and stare at her with an odd look, before continuing to pace again.

The girl decided waiting in silence would be the best thing to do until her mother was ready to break the painful silence.

“Haesoo,” her mother had stopped again to eye her. “You want to be an idol?”

Haesoo paused. “Well… I wouldn’t say I really want to…”

Her mother paced a few more steps, before stopping again. “Then, it’s because of Chanwoo?”

“Well… not totally because of him.”

Her mother frowned, and then walked towards the girl and sat herself down next to her. “So you do want to be an idol – you know, sing and dance on stage?”

Haesoo shrugged. “I don’t really know…”

“Tell me, then. Are you just doing this because Chanwoo’s doing this? And – no – don’t say ‘not totally’ or ‘I don’t know’. Tell me – do you want to do this idol thing? Do you want to do it that if you failed, it would be more your loss than Chanwoo’s?” her mother urged, now holding her daughter’s hands, desperate for an answer.

Haesoo blinked. “Yes… As in yes – if I failed, it’d be my loss – kind of yes.”

Her mother’s face softened hearing this. She blinked several time as her eyes began watering and her face folded into a crying expression.

Haesoo found herself confused at her mother’s reaction, expecting more fumes than tears, but she didn’t have enough time to register her mother’s expression before she was engulfed in a hug.

“Eomma…” she mumbled, confused.

And then she heard it.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” her mother sobbed into her shoulder.

“Why… would you be sorry?” she asked softly, still confused.

“I’m just—” her mother choked. “I’m just… really… happy… and relieved.”

Haesoo then realised the meaning behind her mother’s tears. She realised then what her mother must be feeling.

All those years, Haesoo had left music behind, storing her classical instruments and notes in the dancing room that she locked up. For four years, those items had been neglected there, together with all the passion she had for music.

All the sweet sounds that once upon a time coloured the house stopped after her arm surgery.

And then, out of the blue, Haesoo suddenly wants to do music again.

Rather than angry, her mother was shocked when she received the phone call, not understanding what her daughter was doing. She tried to confirm with Haesoo, whether it was for Chanwoo or if she really was doing the unexpected. Her mother didn’t want to feed her own hopes of seeing her daughter do what she loved again – that one thing her daughter had thrown away because of her failure to keep her marriage together.

Haesoo’s heart fell at the realisation of how much she had hurt her mother when she made the decision to quit music four years ago. It was precisely what she wanted then, and she had already successfully obtained it – her parents’ misery over their split – but she never really got to relish the fact that her parents were filled with regrets because of her. This was simply because they never showed how sorry they were; they never got back together. They never tried to.

But, seeing it now, how her mother was crying in her arms because of the decision she made, she didn’t really enjoy the feeling as much as she thought she would. In fact, her heart churned, because she felt bad, when bad was supposed to be something her parents should be feeling. For four years, that was what she expected.

Yet there she was, having a taste of her own medicine when, more than anything, Haesoo absolutely never wanted to regret leaving music.

More than anything, she didn’t want to realise that leaving music, after isolating herself from what she loved for four years, was a huge mistake on her part.

It couldn’t be a mistake.

But the feeling that lingered in her heart for the rest of the night was strongest proof that it was indeed.