[CONTENTID1] 05 whatifs [/CONTENTID1]

[CONTENTID2] By the end of the day, I could feel Joohyun moving further and further away from me. The reason why? I didn't quite know. I had an intuition that she finally couldn't tolerate the fact that I was lesbian after she saw the way Joy acted towards me. I wouldn't be surprised; I've seen signs of her homophobia before she even told me. When a gay couple passed by us, she would just silently judge them from behind. I was never sure if she despised them. Her eyes were always so hard to read. However as I look back on it, those eyes that judged the couple from afar were empty and longing. Longing for what?

Perhaps, a love like that?

"Impossible," I muttered to myself in disbelief. 

"What is?"

I nearly fell back in shock as I heard her voice so close to my ear. I obviously tensed up as I felt her presence beside me. She continued to stare me down and I had no choice but to respond, "Nothing." I replied back vaguely.

"Okay, if you say so." She shrugged. We walked like that, on the street. I had no idea why or how she got here. School ended a while ago- probably an hour or so, and I've left without even stopping by her locker to say goodbye. In the awkward silence between us, I felt relieved. She was still here, beside me. All of my worries of her leaving faded away as she matched her footsteps with mine.

"Do you still like her?" She asked. Her voice was stable, no signs of anger or any sort of jealousy. There was only one thing I identified from her voice: curiosity.

I shrugged, a meaningless reply because I was certain for one thing. I did not. Yet, why was I lying to her? I could have shaken my head, could have said a simple 'no', could have even pretended to throw up in disgust which would mean the same thing as the previous two. However, I shrugged. I said maybe... or better yet, I said, "I don't know."

"So you do?"

I frowned to myself, Do I, or am I just trying to forget about the girl next to me?

"I didn't say yes," I replied, almost in a sarcastic way. She huffed and rolled her eyes, "Well... you didn't deny it so it means you do. Things like that are black and white, you know. It's either you like her or you don't."

"Why does it matter to you?" I asked, not trying to get a specific answer from Joohyun. To my surprise, that question caught her by surprise. I could see it in her eyes, those blank eyes full of questions. It's almost as if she had never thought of that herself. She rubbed the back of her neck. I recognize that habit of hers so well. She was anxious.

"...Because you're my friend?" Her voice rose a pitch, showing uncertainty in her own words... or perhaps, it rose a pitch as if she wanted to make it seem like I should have known the answer to my own question. I sighed, "You have nothing to worry about. It shouldn't matter to you, whether or not we're friend