(n.) the nostalgia, yearning, grief for the lost places of your past;

for a home which maybe never was

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Baekhyun has inherited quite the liking towards long walks. Definitely not the whole physical means of it all, in fact it tires him out a great deal, but the premise of it all... how it allows him to calm down for a bit and just observe. He likes the way he can easily blur out the entirety of all of his problems and just think, better understand the way he perceives all there is to life. There’s just something about the silence of his neighborhood at late nights, such as tonight, that gives him that privilege.

And tonight, this privilege is especially prominent and he’s taking full advantage of it, like he never quite had before.

About halfway through his walk towards the apartment complex, Baekhyun has become acquaintanced with the cold and is rather enjoying it, along with the snow that’s gracefully making its way down to the pavement he walks on, and then staying as others make its way to pile up on them. There is an ideal amount of snow already on the ground, allowing anyone who walks, on its path, to leave a trace of their footprints. And frankly, as he walks, Baekhyun eyes the traces along the ground and can’t help but think about how much of an inconvenience they are to the overall beauty of snow, winter, and the potential for a nearing white christmas. Although, he does realize that he also has the upper hand in this inconvenience, being the one walking along the snow-covered pavement, he knows that he, unfortunately, may just be the only one whom this concerns.

There are many cars making their ways through the roads, whilst not paying mind to the beautiful snow they might have ruined on the way, and yes, he knows that he might be a bit too dramatic to say this, but it’s quite disappointing. He sees many people simply walking over the snow and paying no mind to the kind of things he’s paying mind to. It really is quite disappointing. However, Baekhyun also notices how happy these people are, and he figures it’s because they’re not in stuck in their heads all the time, like he is, and because they’re surrounded with people whom they clearly seem to be happy with.

He walks past a a family of four, two daughters and their parents, one little girl clinging to the man’s neck as he lovingly and carefully carries her, with the brightest of smiles. With almost identical smiles, Baekhyun manages to get a quick glance at the woman trying to catch up with the smaller of the two little girls as she tries to catch snowflakes. He thinks of the possibility of all of their smiles outliving the brightness of the snow, being that their smiles have such great luminosity. After a few seconds, when Baekhyun can no longer see content and untroubled family, he catches himself nearly smiling at the previous sight. However, the smile quickly vanishes, replaced with a stoic expression. Something in him aches.

The family he had just seen reminds him of his own… or rather, what was his own. He tries to take his mind off the subject, kicking the snow into the footprints as he walks, but the subject still remains. It had happened so many years ago, their death, he questions why the feelings remain if they are of the past.

Baekhyun takes in the cold, feeling it numb his extremities that are out in the open and under no protection, hoping it could numb any remnants of the feelings... but to no avail.

His walk to his apartment slowly comes to an end as he nears the entrance to his apartment complex. He silently thanks the apartment for being of such a distance from the cafe, because although walks help him think, thoughts often deem to be dangerous when they cross the line.

Since the doorman working in the apartment complex knows Baekhyun well, primarily due to how long he has been living with Sehun, he’s let in just as soon as he arrives at the door.

“Welcome Sir,” the doorman greets him just like he always does, “may I suggest buying some gloves?”

“Huh?” Baekhyun replies as he walks towards the elevator, “Oh- oh yes um… thank you.”

“Not a problem sir,” the doorman smiles, “have a good night.” And with that, he bows to the smaller to which the smaller bows back right before he gets on to the elevator. Baekhyun clicks the button that will take him to the fourth level of the complex and the doors close. He makes his way to the farthest corner and rests his back on the wall, sighing and rethinking all his life decisions; especially those made in the last few days.

With hardwood pallet flooring and walls colored with the brightest of shades, not even the darkness seeping in from the windows could dull them, Baekhyun walks into the apartment seeing such... just like he does on a daily basis. Sometimes he fears taking off his shoes, the thoughts of possible worst case scenarios that such flooring could cause getting the best of him. And so, he slowly shrugs off his jacket, rather the jacket he had been wearing, and swiftly kicks off his boots, keeping on his socks; the only protection from the flooring he likes to believe he has.

Baekhyun has a perfect and direct view of the round dining table to the left of him, covered with a variety of things that one would never find on a normal dining table. He wonders why even after countless reminders and warnings about keeping the apartment clean and sanitary, Sehun still manages to leave at least one spot full of unnecessary, unsanitary, and just simply disgusting garbage. Nonetheless, he doesn’t really question it anymore because, although he doesn’t know why, he just knows that the other will almost never heed to his reprimanding.

Suddenly, his ear catches the sound of a familiar voice speaking in a rather unfamiliar language. His eyes move towards the location from which, he presumes, the sound is coming from; his eyes land on the couch farther in front of him, right next to the television and mini study area. Baekhyun also presumes that the sound is Sehun’s voice talking, and since he can’t be talking to himself since he isn’t the one of the two that does such regularly, he concludes that Sehun’s on the phone with Luhan.

Baekhyun thinks it’s rather endearing, yet curious, that Sehun had started learning Mandarin because of his significant other, stating that it’d be a good decision to try and connect to Luhan’s culture to better understand his roots. However, in college, he couldn’t have been damned to stay up all those nights to study for the French finals with him. Baekhyun also thinks it’s even curiouser that he’s questioning this, because love changes you, enables you to do what you thought had been impossible… and he, of all people, should know that.

It must be pretty obvious that Sehun knows of his presence, being that the door didn’t forget to make the irking noise it does whenever someone opens or closes it. Even then, Baekhyun’s a bit hesitant... figuring out whether he should speak to the other or to just scurry off towards the bathroom to quickly wash up before fixing up their traditional quick midnight meal. Sehun didn’t even greet him like he usually does when he gets inside their place.

“Sehun?” when he nears the couch the other is sitting on, he tries to get his attention. Maybe it’s a bit foolish to think he could fix everything a few mere hours after the damage had been done, but Baekhyun just wants to talk everything out.

Sehun doesn’t reply, instead he just continues on to talk into his phone, and the smaller takes this as a signal to pick the latter and make his way to the bathroom.

After he’s done washing up, Baekhyun walks to the kitchen and notices that Sehun is no longer on the phone but still remains on the couch, attention now directed towards the television. His mind immediately sets on the duty of making a good meal for Sehun, hoping to soften