Sechsunddreißig

Listened to 曹格 Gary Chaw【我們是朋友 A Friend】 whilst writing this chapter.

╔══════════════════════╗

Mrs Yoo Nari.

The results have turned out to be positive.

Congratulations! You are now a mother.
 

╚══════════════════════╝

P-Positive…

Positive…

POSITIVE!?

Letting out a short shriek, I threw my phone out of my hands like it was a bomb and grasped onto my stomach. My eyebrows furrowing together in disbelief, I could feel tears of shock gathering in my eyes as I slowly turned my attention down to my stomach.
 

Congratulations! You are now a mother.
 

C-congratulations?

Congratulations?

What is there to be congratulatory about!?

Is the fact that a monster’s baby is growing inside of my stomach something to be proud of? Is the fact that I am now bearing the child of…of that-

With a sob, I collapsed to the ground and held my stomach tighter. Quiet sobs soon turned into large wails as I pulled myself into a fetal position, refusing to believe the cruel and ridiculous situation.

“YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME!” I screamed between tears, “ARE YOU ING KIDDING ME!?”

In the silent penthouse, my screams echoed through the empty walls. And in the large, resonating space, my shivering pride and hope was smothered by the reality of my desperate cries.

Is this some sort of clichéd prank?

Am I supposed to just give in like this? Give in to the reality? Give up on myself?

No.

“No,” With a hard whisper, I slowly hoisted myself off the ground. With one hand still pushed against my stomach, I staggered over to the mirror, “Jongin must not know about this.”

Standing self-consciously in front of the mirror, my eyes red and swollen from crying and my face a colour of ghastly white, I took in shallow, shaky breaths. Closing my eyes, I tried to sort out my emotions before opening them again, and allowed my eyes to travel down to the reflection of my stomach in the mirror.

“If I gave birth to this c-child,” I spoke quietly to the reflection of my stomach, “If I gave birth to you…I-I’ll just be bringing another monster to the earth.”

I thought I had cried enough for my lifetime, but as I thought I felt the faintest kick in my stomach, I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry.” My voice was trembling now, “I’m so sorry…but I can’t. I just can’t. Even if you’re born, your existence is fated to be a curse the moment you arrive in this cruel world…forgive me. Forgive me.”

There it was again. The faint kick.

“NO!” With an exasperated shout, I brought my other hand to my stomach and clutched it. “Don’t kick me!”

Kick.

“I SAID, DON’T KICK ME!” In a blinded outrage, I rushed away from the mirror and began fumbling on the dressing table, my hands finally grabbing onto a pair of scissors, “DON’T TRY TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY YOU SON OF A MONSTER!”

Tears now streaming down my eyes like a roaring waterfall, my face was twitching and contorting in emotions I could no longer identify. With the pair of scissors held tightly in both hands, I closed my eyes and raised its sharp end towards my stomach.

I’m sorry.

The faintest whisper escaped my lips before I plunged the scissors towards my stomach.

Kick.

My arms freezing up in the middle of its motion, the sharp end barely just touching the surface of my skin, my heart crumbled into painful pieces as I let go of the scissors and fell to a kneeling position on the floor.

I could almost hear a baby’s cry. A child’s cry that pierced my ears and through my heart. In that moment, I could almost feel the pain of the life growing inside of me – almost as if it was pleading, begging for me to spare its life.

It was asking for me to love the child that was nurturing in my barely breathing self.

My tears still dripping down my cheeks like a broken water tap, remorse grasped my heart as I once again reached for my stomach – but this time with gentle, trembling fingers.

“Forgive me,” I uttered to my baby between ugly sobs, “Forgive your pathetic mother.”

I couldn’t tell how long I remained in that position, crying my heart out, but by the time I had finally calmed down a little, my legs were already numb. Letting out a soft wince as blood rushed back into my feet again, I sniffed and wiped my tears away.

Waiting a few minutes until my legs finally recovered, I picked up the scissors beside me and returned it to the dressing table. My fingers still gently touching my stomach, I sat myself down on the bed and heaved out a troubled sigh.   

Kick.

There was the kick again. Though faint and possibly just out of my imagination, but it was as if the baby was trying to comfort me. I let out a painful smile.

“I don’t know if I can be a good mother,” My voice broke a little, yet I kept my stomach, “Your father…he’s a horrible man. Even so, do you still want to come to this world?”

Kick.

“I-I…I might hate you. I might never love you, and treat you coldly.” I didn’t know why I was stammering in front a life that was hardly born, “You might grow up in a broken household. Even so, do you still want to come to this world?”

Kick.

“Even if you spend the rest of your life under the curse of this broken marriage?” I whispered, almost desperate for the child to understand why I didn’t want to conceive it, “even if you’ll grow up in a family without life?”

Kick.

Without nothing left to debate against the child’s persistent kicks, I stared up at the pink ceiling. Before I knew it, a resigned smile left my lips.

“I’m so pathetic,” I shook my head, “If even a life still so weak is willing to carry the burden of its cruel fate, then what am I doing here?”

Kick.

Feeling the soft tap against the palm of my hand, I titled my head and let the smile drop off my lips. Bending down to pick up the phone that I had thrown on the ground, I heaved a deep breath and faced the message again.

Mrs Yoo Nari.

The results have turned out to be positive.

Congratulations! You are now a mother.