Fünfundzwanzig

Kim Jongin kept his eyes straight on the road and said nothing as the two of us sat in the sleek black Porsche. I too, said nothing and the silence was so strong that out of the corner of my eyes, I would see the chauffeur squirming uncomfortably in his seat once in a while.

There was bad news and good news. The bad news was that Sehun suddenly appeared out of nowhere giving me no time to prepare myself. The good news was that almost as soon as Sehun spoke, Jongin pushed past Sehun and dragged me away with him, leaving me with no time to - fortunately - think of how I should act around the said man.

But then again, Jongin had been in an obviously bad mood ever since the encounter, and the tension right now was killing both me and the chauffeur so I guess the good news wasn’t so great after all.

“About Oh Sehun…”

When Jongin finally spoke, it made me jump a little. I could see the chauffeur jolting a little in his seat too.

“Did…you know he was coming?”

The hesitation in Jongin’s voice was evident. It almost sounded as if he believed I knew, but didn’t want me to confirm his belief. I, on the other hand, didn’t know how to answer. I mean, I did know, but…it wasn’t like I asked Sehun to come or anything.

Stuck between my confused contemplation, I chose to bite my lips and say nothing.

But Jongin wasn’t going to take that as an answer.

“I said, did you know he was coming?”

This time, no longer was the hesitation and uncertainty in Jongin’s voice. A sense of aggressive urgency lashed out in the supressed tone of his voice, and I closed my lips as any sense of peace I felt with Jongin for the past few days flew out of the window.

We were back to square one.

Back to cold, controlling, obsessive Jongin. Back to angry, uncertain, suppressive Jongin. Back to…scared, cowardly, frightened Nari.

Out of my fear, I quickly shook my head.

“N-No…I...didn’t know.”

Jongin’s eyes were cold. Yet at the same time, a sense of fake relief washed over his facial expression. In that moment, Jongin’s confliction was apparent as he seemed to struggle over the sense of temporary comfort as I told him what he wanted to hear, yet at the same time, felt anger towards the obvious lie I was telling.  

And as he spun the ring on his finger over and over again, his thumbs pressed against the silver surface as it turned painfully around his fingers, I knew Jongin didn’t believe my lie at all. Confusion took over him. Even though he sat as still as a solider, he pressed the ring so forcefully that the skin on his finger was twisting uncomfortably with the ring that spun tightly against it.

Fearfully, I removed my eyes from Jongin’s fingers and glanced down at my own. It was only then, when I had snapped back into reality that I felt subtle pain from my hands.

I had been twisting the ring on my finger along with Jongin all this time.

My eyes widening, I quickly let go of the ring and stared at the reddened marks on my finger from where the skin had twisted, and with a horrified expression, quickly pressed my hands together to stop the slight tremble as I tried to comprehend what had just happened.  

Why did I…follow his action? Why was I mirroring what Jongin was doing? What…was happening to me?

Tears welling up in my eyes, I turned my head to the window and tried to focus on the street scene before me. Unlike Korea, people of all different backgrounds and culture was roaming the streets of Paris. There were those with the same yellow skin and dark eyes as me; those with pale skin and light coloured eyes; those with dark skin and dark eyes…

In that moment, through the diversity on the streets, I felt such freedom emitting from them that my heart soared out to them in jealousy. As I watched a couple with different backgrounds hold hands and exchange loving gestures on the street, I hated the position I was in right now.

I wanted to be that girl right there, embraced lovingly by the guy she chose.

The sigh that came from the man beside me broke my attention away from the couple and I turned around instinctively to look at Jongin, who stared back at me with a hint of apology in his eyes.

“Just...” Jongin shook his head and pressed two fingers against the bridge of his nose, “Don’t do anything rash, ok?”

I bit my lips and felt myself panic a little as I heard the obvious distrust in his voice. I need to step up my game a little if I want this little plan of ours to work. Pushing any sense of emotion down my throat and into the pit of my stomach, I spoke.

“Jongin…” I spoke quietly, “I have something to confess.”

Jongin blinked a little, then his back slowly straightened and his eyes widened; almost as if he was scared.

“I…I did know beforehand that Sehun was coming.”

Jongin didn’t seem too surprised at my confession, but he did look quite confused. I don’t blame him, after all the running I’ve been doing, why would I straight up confront to Jongin about this?

“But,” It felt a little refreshing speaking out the truth, but now I was going to lie again, “I …after all these days with you, I suddenly realised that the one I had feelings for wasn’t Sehun…”

Here, I switched off the pain in my heart and tried to lose myself in the dark abyss that was Jongin’s eyes in order to numb myself of the following words I was about to say:

“…It’s you.”

“Wow, it’s beautiful.” Smiling as naturally as I could, I tugged on Jongin’s arm lightly and pulled him towards the tall building that indeed was quite the view. The cathedral stood proudly before us in all its stunning glory, and the cascading sun that shimmered lightly above the white bricks gave it an ethereal quality.

Yes, it was beautiful, yet the admiring smile I had on wasn’t really a smile.  

Despite the wonderful attraction before us, I just didn’t have the appetite for beautiful views right now as my head swarmed with dark and painful thoughts.

“Yes, it is quite beautiful.” Jongin, oblivious of my state and seemingly happier now smiled down at me, any hints of the tension in the car gone as he glanced up at the beautiful cathedral. “It’s as beautiful as you.”

I flashed Jongin another smile in response, yet I kept my attention on the cathedral in front of me.

Cathédrale Notre Dame de Paris, it was called.

Norte Dame…

It reminded me of a Disney cartoon I had seen once back when I was a child. It talked about the life of a poor hunchback.

He was kind, he was brave. He had many talents, and he had a sense of justice. But because of the selfishness of the people; because of those who looked at others with their noses though they themselves weren’t any better: he was locked up in the tower, hidden away from everyone else.

All because he was ugly.

He was innocent.

I was innocent.

Yet I was locked away, all because of the selfishness of the man beside me.

“…ri, Nari!”

Blinking, my eyes widened as I was snapped out of my daze. Turning upwards to look at Jongin, I was surprised to see the worried frown on his face.

“Nari…what’s wrong?”

What’s wrong? I was confused. Did I look like I wasn’t alright…? It was only then that I felt something wet on my cheeks, and when I placed my fingers there, I realised that I had begun crying unknowingly.

“Oh, I just got dust in my eye.” Rubbing my eyes, I dismissed Jongin’s concern cheerfully, “It happens to me a lot. I have sensitive eyes, you see.”

“Then you shouldn’t rub it.” Grabbing my wrists, Jongin pulled my hands away from my eyes, and his frown deepened as he examined it. I bit my lips and found myself holding my breath as Jongin let go of my wrists and tilted my chin upwards.

“Don’t move, Nari.” Jongin said as he leaned in, and my heart betrayed me again as it began pounding nervously as I awaited the kiss that was going to come. Yet Jongin’s lips didn’t stop at my lips, instead, it stopped above that, and before I knew it, he was blowing gently into my red eyes.  

*W-what?* I jolted a little as I felt the tender gush of air touch my lids, yet I didn’t dare to move as I remained rooted in my position, waiting nervously for Jongin to finish blowing any potential ‘dust’ out of my eyes.

After a good few moments of people sta