I run furiously toward the room that she told me but when I stand in front of that room I freeze there for a moment, hesitated. My hand is on the door handle but I don’t dare to open the door. I still don’t want to accept the fact that my pitiful Si Won in the one lying there, waiting for …

My throat chokes just think about that. I close my eyes, open the door. I am praying - Please not him, please not him.

But when I open my eyes and tears immediately roll down on my cheeks. It is my Si Won. He is lying on the bed, helplessly. He is sleeping with the oxygen mask on his face. His head is all shaved. His skin turns pale. He is skinny, so skinny. What had happened to my Si Won in the last 6 months? I almost can’t recognize my handsome, charming prince. I walk toward him, slowly, my legs are shaken, my entire body is shaken, and my heart is breaking to pieces. I feel as someone just took all the oxygen out of my body. I can’t breathe seeing the man in that bed. That man, he is the one I used to love and the one loves me very much. Why he has to lie there? Why?

I stop on the side of his bed, next to him. Slowly, with my trembling hands, I cup his right hand, softly but enough to wake his sensitive body up. He opens his eyes, looking at me. Even with his weak expression, I still can tell that he is very surprised seeing me here. He slowly takes down his oxygen mask.

“What are you doing here?” – His voice is so weak, almost as a whisper, a very low whisper.

“Why did you lie to me? Why?” – I scream, I know I shouldn’t scream at a sick patient but I can’t handle my emotion. I scream, not because I am mad at him but because my heart is too painful and I have to scream out the pain that I am holding.

“What are you talking about?” – He still wants to play bad guy to me at this moment. He doesn’t do a very good job then because the picture on the nightstand, next to his bed tells me all. It is the picture of our first date in the ginseng chicken soup restaurant. The picture frame faces directly to his bed. I can imagine that every day when he opens his eyes, he turns to the nightstand and looks at me, looks at us, looks at our beautiful memory, by himself, lonely in this bed.

 This babo! Why is he so silly?

“Don’t play dumb anymore. Hwang Jung Eum told me everything. Who are you to decide how to protect me? Who are you to decide to suffer alone? Why did you take away my right to take care of you? Why did you take away my right to decide whether I want to stay with you or not? Why did you take away my right to love you? Why did you do that? You bad guy!” – I yell, yell my lung out but tears keep rolling, heavier than the winter rain. I am as a crazy girl keeps pounding on his bed. I am crazy. I really am going crazy seeing him like that. I could have taken care of him the last 6 months. I could have been able to make a difference but I didn’t. I didn’t have a chance to. I hate myself so much for that. I am going mad, so mad right here.

Then he holds my hand. His hand is trembling. He tries so hard to stop my hand from moving. And he cries.  Tears are rolling down on his pale skull-like face. I stop moving, stop screaming. I lost all my energy, all my soul looking at his tears. My body gives up on me. I drop down on the chair next to his bed.

I bury my head in his hand. I cry. I cry so much. 1000 times more than when he told me he had a new girlfriend. Now I wish I he actually had another girlfriend. I wish that he actually broke my heart because he cheated on me. Because the pain of thinking of him as a cheater is properly more comfortable than the pain that I am having my now, knowing I am about to lose him forever. My heart is shattered to thousands of pieces. My whole body is shattered to thousands of pieces. I feel like a thousand of sharp knives are stabbing my entire body. This pain … this pain is unbearable. I want to lift my head up to look at him but I can’t. I don’t have the strength to. All I can do is crying. Now I understand why he didn’t want me to know the truth. He really tried hard to protect me, protect me from broken but it is too late. Because he tried too hard to protect me, my pain only becomes greater. My chest is hurting so much.

Appa, please help me!

 Doctor, please help me!

 I think I am dying, I am dying right now, it is hurting too much. I am sobbing loudly. I think I cry for an hour until he spreads his hand open and wipes my tears away.

“I’m sorry” – He weakly says.

I lift my head up and look at him. His eyes are so sad but so loving.

I shake my head – “No, I am the one that should say sorry. I should have stayed by your side even if you kicked me away. I should understand you. I should trust you. But I didn’t. I’m so sorry oppa.”

He smiles kindly at me – “My princess is so silly. How can you take the blame to yourself? How could you know that I lied to you? It was my bad. Oppa was a bad guy. Oppa broke your heart. Oppa sorry, ok? Don’t cry anymore.”

How can I stop crying after what he just said? He clearly wants to torture my heart. With his condition, he still takes the fault to his side to make me feel better. When will he stop caring about me?

“Why did you lie to me, oppa?”

“Because I know you will cry like this. I don’t want to see you cry. I only want to see my princess smiles. You are prettiest when you smile.” – His voice is so low, so weak but still so sweet, so loving.

I really … can’t stop crying.

“Hey Siwon, look what I bring for you here.” – A very familiar voice disrupts our emotional moment. I know who that voice belongs to and looking at the door only helps me to confirm it.

“Jae Joong?” – I can’t stop myself from the surprise voice.

Jae Joong is totally stunned seeing me here.

So he knows that all along. I am the only idiot that don’t know anything. I am furious.

“So you all in it together?” – I don’t care to hide my mad tone.

He is quiet. Quietness equals guilty. So he is also the part of the plan.

“When did you know about his condition?” – I ask. I figure that he probably has known for a while but I just have to ask.

He keeps his silence again. I am getting irritated. He loves to talk so much normally. Why is he being so quiet now?

“Are you deft? Did you hear my question? I asked you when did you know about his condition?” – I scream, my eyes are burned with anger. I have never been this angry to him but I can’t help it. I have been trusting him the last few months. I cried in his arm the night Si Won broke up with me. I really wonder if he already knew the situation then.

“Since the KBS Award night.” – Jae Joong says that. He finally admits that. I knew it. I knew that he knew then. But he lied to me. Together with Si Won. They all lied to me. How could he do that? I trusted him so much. How about the last 6 months that we have together? Is it a part of the lie to? Has he been making be happy because he pities my situation with Si Won?

“Why didn’t you tell me that? Why?” – I continue screaming

He is very consistent on keeping his silence today.

“He was sick so I can’t blame him but you, you are well and bright. Why did you lie to me too? Did you think that you protected me? I don’t need your protection? Why did you take away my right to know the truth? Was I that pitiful to you? Was I that fragile that you thought I couldn’t handle the truth? Why didn’t you let me take care of him the last few months of his life? Why were you so cruel to me?” – I scream, furiously. I am angry, so angry about him, about me, about fate, about everything.

“Ji Hyo ah.” – Si Won holds my hand and calls weakly. His frail voice pulls me down from my anger – “Don’t blame him. It was me who asked him to do that. He didn’t want to but I begged him. It was my fault not him.” – His voice gets weaker and weaker.

I am quiet, looking at him.

“Jae Joong, come here.” – He gestures Jae Joong to come closer to his bed.

As Jae Joong  stands next to me, Si Won takes his hand and puts on top of mine. – “Please take care of her when I am gone.” – He looks at Jae Joong and says then he turns to me with a kind smile – “Be happy with Jae Joong ok? He loves you very much. He will take good care of you. Better than I have ever can. Promise me, you two will be happy together. Only then I can rest in peace.”

I shake my head – “How can I do that oppa? How can I be happy if you are no long here, oppa? What kind of person makes me then oppa?”

“A good person. I know you are a good person and you deserve to be happy. Please promise me to be happy, can’t you?” – He is losing oxygen. He has very difficult time to say the words. I don’t want to make him to any anymore. He needs some rest so I nod, I say yes even though I know I won’t allow myself to be happy any more.

He smiles at me, softly, kindly with every ounce left of his weak body. He taps his hand on top of my hand and Jae Joong’s hand. – “Good.” – He says, and it is the last thing he says. His hand leaves us. His eyes close. The last drop of tear falls down from the corner of his closed eye. All the machines suddenly scream out weird noises. It is not good. Doctors and nurses rush to the room. They push me aside. I keep asking what happening but no one answer me. Jae Joong has to pull me on the side to give space for the doctors. They do all kind of thing to Si Won. They are very busy but then they stop.

“What is happening? What are you doing? Why do you stop? Keep helping him? Keep helping him.” – I scream.

But they are all quiet. Then a doctor told me – “I am sorry Miss. We tried our best.” – Then a nurse pulls the white sheet over Si Won face.

“No. It is not happening. Nooooo.” – I scream and jump to Si Won. I pull the sheet down, cup his face in my hand. “Oppa, wake up oppa, wake up oppa.” – I scream very loudly but he doesn’t answer, he doesn’t respond to me. His eyes tightly close. He’s gone. He’s really gone. I scream, I keep screaming and keep crying.

He’s gone. My prince is … gone.