He placed his hand on the handle of the front door while attempting to take a deep breath. No matter how many times he told himself he could do this- he should do this- his heart still thudded desperately in his chest, pleading him to stop. But he had put it off for ten years already. For a third of his life, he had been living in a lie, and he didn’t know if could keep on going any longer.

Unexpectedly, startling him way more than it should have, the door swung open and he jerked in surprise. Luckily it opened inwards and not the other way.

“What are you doing there? Come in quickly, all the heat is escaping.” The man was impatient, even more than usual because today was an important day for the both of them.

He swallowed, then stepped inside. His entire life had been pretty easy for him, he had to admit. It was partly due to help he received from others, but also because he had a very logical way of thinking. If an obstacle was met, he could easily see a solution to get past it, if there was one. And if there weren’t, he always found it natural to just accept that fact and move on.

Yet as he stood there biting on his bottom lip, he regretted this ability to see all the options. How he wished that he could lie to himself, that he wouldn’t know which decision would make him suffer more, so that he could continue living in this utopic delusion.

Thoughts may appear to pass quickly, but actions always had the ability to stop them. The door clicked shut behind him before he was turned around and forced to melt instantly in the other’s sweet lips. They somehow tasted even sweeter than usual, and captured all of his attention while his coat was pulled off and he was pressed backwards, staggering into the wall.

The kiss lasted so long he almost forgot about what he had prepared to do, until his unusual lack of response made the other man pull back ever so slightly, barely leaving the older man’s plump lips.

“Do you not like this?” He breathed into him, their bodies fitting perfectly into each other. “I read online that eating a strawberry before kissing will make the taste sweeter… doesn’t it work?”

For a moment he lost himself in those deep, brown eyes. Every second turned more painful as there was now the chance of him losing it all. If he lost him… he didn’t want to consider what he was capable of doing if that happened.

The younger all of a sudden let go of him and ran off, leaving an empty chill in his front where the warm body was no longer present. He had expected this- it was their five-year anniversary after their relationship was legalized on two documents- but why did he feel so abandoned even when he knew the other would be back?

Soon the man returned with a camera in one hand. “I know you don’t like me taking pictures of the scenery, but this time it’s of us. You can’t find this on the internet, right?” He smiled, and without waiting for a response, attached their lips once again at a visible angle whilst clicking the shutter repeatedly.

Donghae had only intended to pose for the photo, so when the kiss deepened and he felt the other’s tongue enter, he was glad that they were right next to the sofa where he could let the camera fall. His fingers twisted themselves in the taller man's dark hair, as tightly as if he was gripping onto them for his life, because he felt a need to comfort the other’s strange state. He would understand if the man was nervous- he was, too- yet there was something else that came through the kiss which made him frown. They had been together for ten years; he knew him like the back of his hand. So he was most likely unmistakened to find the other as being… scared?

“What’s wrong?” His voice flowed, soothing. Was he perhaps afraid of being caught by their five year old? “She’s upstairs, asleep, so there’s no need to worry about her interrupting us.” The only thing that sometimes frustrated him about their adopted daughter was the need to greatly reduce their more rated actions when she was also in the house. Not that he minded it at all- she was one of the best things that had happened to the both of them.

Even though he knew it couldn’t be that, it was the only possible explanation he could think of. Being thirty years of age, on the night of their five-year anniversary, Donghae really could not think of any reason why Hyukjae looked like he was about to cry.

Without a warning, he found himself pushed away and left alone; staring shocked at the tears running down the other face.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Hae… oh god… I’m so sorry, will you please forgive me…” He had finished indulging in his lover’s lips one last time. Now, was the beginning of something else, where he had no idea what was going to happen.

“Hyukjae… what are you saying?” Donghae felt heartbroken seeing the other like this, and he chose to show it through anger. “Have I ever done anything to make you think that I wouldn’t forgive you? You know, that whatever you do, we can work it out together. Do you not trust me?”

“No… Hae…. I’m sorry…. I mean, I can’t even forgive myself for this, so I don’t expect you to forgive me…” There was still a chance. He could just take all of it back, and lie to Donghae that it was about something else. The mere thought made him nauseous. Was this what he was going to resort to, once again? Was he going to lie every single ing time? His self-directed disgust ironically made it easier to spill the truth.

“Donghae, I can’t take it anymore. I really can’t. So I will tell you everything, and afterwards… all I hope is that you don’t hate me.” He was crying so hard it was difficult to speak.

Donghae tightened his fists. There it was again- that feeling. Something big was going to happen, and he couldn't do anything except stand back and watch it unfold.

He waited for the other to regain his breath.

“Ok… first, just believe me, and I know it would be pretty ironic to hear this from me after… but just remember that my feelings for you have always been real.”

“I… I was not born with this face. I was involved in an accident ten years ago so I had plastic surgery done. I know you wouldn’t mind my looks anyway but the thing is… I asked to change my face to this exact one because…. I knew about you and Eunhyuk.”

Donghae’s breath hitched in his throat, but he willed himself to keep listening.

“I knew about your relationship and I thought that if… if I could be more like him, then you would probably like me more. Since I had to heal my face and vocal chords anyways, I chose to make it the exactly the same as that man’s because, well, you were the first person I ever fell for. I never transferred to your class- I was always in there. But I was a bit antisocial so it’s no surprise that you never noticed me before. … I’ve been hiding this from you all this time and I am really so sorry. I’ve lived with the burden of this secret because I didn’t want to risk our relationship. It has been truly exhausting, and I…” he trailed off. There was nothing to say anymore.

Donghae kept on looking at the other man, at his husband whom he thought was the love of his life. He gazed past the features on his face and wanted to see someone different, just so he could find someone to blame, but unsurprisingly failed. No matter how he looked, this man standing in front of him was no one but his lover, who had cared for him and proved his love in the years they had been together. Who had never done him any intentional harm, and whom he was willing to spend the rest of his life with even after knowing he had been lied to.

A question in his memories that his friends had been discussing popped up, to which he finally had an answer. He had been slightly frustrated then, because he could not remember exactly how he had fallen in love with his husband, but he realised that it didn’t matter. All that mattered was how much they loved each other now, and it was definitely enough to make them stay together till the end of this lifetime.

He was about to tell Hyukjae this when something he was unsure of came to mind. “So is Lee Hyukjae your real name? Or did you change that too?” He didn’t really care what the answer was, just wanted there to be no more secrets between them.

“Lee Hyukjae is my real name. There wasn’t any need to change my name and I don’t think I was allowed, anyways.” The man was still sniffling, although the other’s lack of anger faintly reassured him.

Donghae was ready to resolve everything if only that small feeling at the back of his mind would stop irking him. There was something not right. Normally he would dismiss it, but tonight he was determined to clear everything up and not allow anything to come in between him and Hyukjae ever again.

After a minute of concentration, it came to him.

“Hyukjae, don’t worry, I only have one last question.” The taller man visibly relaxed, although still tense.

“After your accident, when you were going to get plastic surgery, was it necessary for your recovery?”

A dreaded feeling rose in Hyukjae’s stomach. He should have known it would be impossible to hide this from Donghae. But he couldn’t lie anymore. I’m sorry, he thought towards the much older man.

“No, it wasn’t.”

Donghae’s eyes narrowed. “Then… where did you get the money from for a private operation? You were just a student, and a non-funded plastic surgery would have been basically impossible for you to afford. So where did the money come from?”

In his mind, he apologized one last time to the man who he wasn’t able to keep his final promise to.

Hyukjae took a deep breath and replied,

“From Eunhyuk.”