three 

2009 - twenty-three

there has to be some kind of beauty in that

* * * * *

He was going to be in Los Angeles for just two days. For what, though, he didn’t really say over the phone when she last talked to him a week ago (well, he did most of the talking while she just kind of grunted at him in response). 

All Boa knew was that Jaejoong was coming alone (without the other members, without his manager, just him), and he wanted to meet up with her. She couldn’t exactly say she didn’t feel something. She just didn’t know what it was that she felt. But it was definitely something. 

He told her not to go pick him up (not like she could anyways). They still had fans here, and they couldn’t risk a scandal breaking out – especially not after rumors of them as a couple started following that episode of Come to Play, especially not after management reprimanded them to keep their friendship low-key, especially not since he basically just sued the company (and SM Entertainment had instructed all of their current artists to steer clear of Jaejoong, Yoochun, and Junsu). 

But Jaejoong (always stubborn, never listening to the rules) decided (without her consent, without anyone’s actually) that he was going to see her. So she was forced to take two days off from her manager (well, only kind of forced) since there really wasn’t (hasn’t) been much for her to do after her “failed” attempt-of-a-debut in America (or at least that’s what SM thought of it). Besides, it’s not like she didn’t want to see him. She just didn’t know what to say to him when she did actually see him. Especially not after everything that’s been happening lately. 

She was sitting at the small little kitchen table in her apartment, looking out the window that faced the busy streets of Los Angeles, but she wasn’t really seeing anything because her mind was somewhere else already (had been somewhere else since a few weeks ago). Her small hands were wrapped around a mug of hot tea, drinking from it occasionally as she continued to stare off into space. It wasn’t until the doorbell rang that she snapped out of her daze and finally focused on the city’s skyline, taking note of the tinges of orange running across the dark blue sky. 

She stood up and walked to the door, opening it to reveal a slightly disheveled (but still almost-perfect looking) Jaejoong. “Hey,” she said, her fingers holding on to the doorframe tightly as she continued looking at him, her expression blank (because she couldn’t even force herself to smile, at least not today). 

“Hey,” he said, his voice a little raspy (probably because he should actually still be asleep at this hour). But his hollowed out, jet-lagged eyes still managed to light up with genuine joy (because of her). He shifted his backpack a little, managing a small grin despite how tired he looked. “Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?” 

She stared at him for just a moment (because how could he still joke around like this when nothing was ever going to be the same again) before she stepped aside, gesturing for him to come in. When he set his backpack on the floor next to the couch, she finally managed to find her voice again. “No suitcase?” 

“Well, it’s only two days,” he shrugged, his eyes roaming the quaint little place she’d been calling ‘home’ for the past few months, his hands tucked into the pockets of his leather jacket as he tried to look anywhere but at her (at least that’s what she believed he was doing). 

She looked at him, taking in the way he seemed to look a little older than the last time she’d seen him, noticing the way his smile was missing that boyish charm that was so distinctly his. When he turned to look at her again, she gave up the act and finally let her face show (just a fraction) of what she was feeling inside. Sighing deeply, she finally asked him what had been clawing to jump out of the minute he’d stepped through the door. “What’re you really doing here Jaejoong?”  

“I’m sure you heard about the lawsuit,” he said quietly. He’s silent for a beat before he spoke again, his voice more serious than she’s ever heard him. “But I just wanted to be the one to tell you myself.” 

“What the were you thinking?” she shouted, surprised at her own reaction, but now that she’d exploded, all of her feelings rushed out like a verbal tidal wave, destroying everything within vicinity (namely, Jaejoong). “Did you guys even think about what you’re doing? I mean, Yoochun, I can understand, with his dad and the finances and everything! And hell, even Junsu, with all of that bullying from management! But you? I never expected it to be you!” 

“It’s not just about that,” Jaejoong said, his voice amazingly calm despite the volume she’d just spoken in. He sighed and met her eyes. “You know it’s about the slave contract–”

“But we were the ones who signed it!” she cut him off, her eyebrows furrowed. Shaking her head, she continued, “And they’re the ones who made us what we are today–”

“I know all of that!” Jaejoong finally snapped, his cool demeanor finally lost. 

And for some reason, it made Boa feel good. Because she was the one who finally broke his annoyingly calm façade (because she just didn’t understand how he could be so collected at a time like this, at a time when all she wanted to do was scream and cry and try to fix everything so it’d all go back to how it used to be, so they – her, Jaejoong, Yunho, Yoochun, Junsu, Changmin – could all go back to how they used to be – happy, innocent, together). 

“But you also know what’s wrong with the system! We do everything single ing thing they tell us to, and we’re still not justly compensated for that! We don’t have any free will at all! Hell, we don’t even get the most basic human rights that we’re supposed to have!” Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at her before he plunged on, his tone biting, his words hitting every nail straight on the head in her (already pained) heart. “But you’re all doing nothing about it! That’s called condoning it, letting it foster into something bigger, until it’s all too big for any of us to ever overthrow!” 

“I’m not supporting it!” Her eyes flashed with just a moment of hurt because he’d just accused her of defending them (but she wasn’t, at least she wasn’t trying to). She shook her head, her lips twisted into a frown. “But I also know that you guys are just three people! Against the whole industry! No one’s ever going to care! We can’t change anythi–”

“So you just want us to stay and work until the contract’s done?” he asked incredulously, his eyes widened in shock at what was coming out of (but they both knew what she was saying made sense too – at least for DBSK’s wellbeing, for his own wellbeing – because they weren’t ever going to win). This time it was his turn to shake his head at her, and when he spoke again, she could practically hear the way he’d scoffed at her earlier words. “By then we would’ve faded into the background, and we wouldn’t matter anymore! And then no one would ever see what the problem–”

Boa stared at him with hard eyes. “You honestly think you’re going to win? This is SM we’re talking about!”

“I didn’t come all the way to LA to pick a fight with you!” he yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation. 

“Well it’s not like I asked you to come anyways!” she shouted, but she regretted her harsh words the moment they left because she could see how hurt Jaejoong looked (she might as well have slapped him across the face). 

She was panting (which was strange because she never broke a sweat no matter how hard she had to dance while singing, but there was always something about Jaejoong that made her breathless). She stared up into his pained eyes, but she didn’t say anything (didn’t know what to say). 

She didn’t know who left the room first, but before she even realized it, she’d slammed her bedroom door behind her, jumping onto her bed face first. She grabbed the pillow, her fingers clawing into the soft goose feathers before she screamed into it, the sounds of her frustration muffled. Finally, after everything was out of her system (at least for the time being), she rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. She sighed and closed her eyes, thinking back to what Jaejoong had said earlier (and even though she knew that everything he’d brought up made sense, what she’d said was valid too). She’d never felt as tired as she did right now. 

When