After we spent some time in the park, we decided to head back home. We were now in Fee’s car and on our way to my house. He curved in the right direction, we appeared on another mainstreet. A song was played in the radio, it was a thai pop and the titel was „Is it okay to say I love you?“, sung by Lydia. Fee and i calmly listened to her soft voice that echoed deep in our ears, I got goosebumps.

I’ve kept it for so long

I’ve kept it all alone

And i’ve known that i shouldn’t speak it out

I’ve known the situation well

How lucky i’ve come this far

I shouldn’t think about it anymore

But today it’s so hard

My heart is filled with love

I can’t stop it

I don’t know what to do

I can’t keep it anymore

Today, the space in my heart hasn’t enough to hide it

The love is too much to keep

I have to do something with it

So, is it okay to say i love you?

I don’t know what to do

I only know that i love you

I won’t beg for anything

I just want you to know that someone besides you

She secretly loves you with all her heart

A sad atmosphere filled the air around us. None of us dared to speak to break the silence between us.  It was hard for me to swallow as if I had a lump in my throat that blocked my oesophagus. I looked out the opened window, inhaled fresh air in my lung. The story the singer sung about reminded me of my love for Earn. Every time I think about him, I asked myself if it was alright to love him, after all he’s my best friend. This question always torment me in the days, in the nights and even in my sleeps. Before i realized it, I was thinking about him again. I promised myself to let him go but I was always thinking about him. It frustrated me that I can’t get over him.

When the song ended, I finally moved and glanced aside to Fee. I noticed that he was staring at me. For some unknown reason, his eyes were filled with sadness and worries. I wanted to ask him what was wrong with him but he averted his gaze from me so I kept my mouth shut. We remained in silence til we reached my house.

  „I don’t need to accompany you inside“, he finally opened his mouth to speak to me.

  „It's not necessary... Thanks for your visit. Be careful on your way back“, I told him with a little smile on my face before I left the car and walked to the door. I turned for a last glance to him.

He didn’t leave yet, his gaze were still fixed on me. I waved goodbye to him but when I was about to open the entrance, someone suddenly grabbed my wrist.

  „Wait…“, a gently voice pleaded. The voice was so faint that I almost didn’t hear it.

I looked behind me. Fee’s eyes caught my attention.

  „What’s wrong?“

  „I need to talk to you.“

  „It is something important?“

  „I need to tell you everything now. I have the feeling I’ll regret it for the erest of my life if I don’t say it today“, his eyes gleamed a certain determination.

His determined expression was a big surprise for me, I never saw him that serious before. He always smiles as if he never had any sorrows but now he’s acting strange, somehow out of character. What’s wrong with him? I was worried about him.

  „We should speak inside“, was my invitation for him.

We went straight forward in the kitchen. I offered him a chair to sit down, he declined my offer and stood instead behind the chair. Strange! You’re making me nervous. I don’t know how to react to his sudden character change so I just hold a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and searched for a glas to pure him water.

  „Have you ever think about the reason why I’m always by your side?“, he broke the odd silence between us.

This sudden question let me froze with the bottle in my hand.

  „Pete?“, he sounded so close to me as if he was direct behind me.

A cold breath grazed against my ear, it gave me a chill. A cold hand touched my shoulder, I jumped from surprise. Only now did I realize that Fee really stood close to me, only a few inches space were between us. His chest slightly touched my back.

  „You’re in love with Earn that’s why you don’t see the person who really loves you“. He gently caressed on my neck, „I love you…“, the words softly came out his mouth.  

Wait! What? What did he just say to me? He loves me? Should that be a confession or did I hear him wrong? My eyes grew wide from shock. I was flabbergasted as if something grave just happened before me, I couldn’t even mutter a single word.

  „Since when did he start loving me?“, was the question I asked in my head. My heart skipped a beat, I don’t even know why. I turned to him, I need all my courage to start a conversation, „Since when?“

 „It was on the day of the soccer event some months ago. Do you remember you calmed me when I was too nervous from all the events going to happen?“

  „Yeah“, I mumbled quietly.

  „Since the moment you took the tension away, I started to have a crush on you.“

  „That long? I… I“, the shock made me stutter. Whenever I opened my mouth to speak, the words won’t just come out. It pissed me off for being unable to reply to his confession. Sorry Fee, I wasn’t ready for such a heavy blow.

He continued talking when I was speechless to respond. „I didn’t know how to confess to you that’s why I waited for you to wake up and finally realize that the person who really loves you, is right next to you.“

  „Fee…“, my soft voice called his name. Again I didn’t know what to say so I kept quiet.

  „You love Earn so much. He’s the only one who can let you show emotions. I was jealous each time I saw you crying over him.“

Some occurance from the past flashed before my eyes: I remembered how he comforted me when I cried over Earn in the restaurant. Only now do I understand why he never left my side and why he never liked Earn. Everything he did was because he loves me. How could I be so stupid? Why didn’t I notice all that obvious signs that showed his love for me earlier?

  „I’m sorry“, was the only words I coud finally mutter. It hurted so much to see him in pain like that. I knew too well how a one-sided crush feel. Somehow I was feeling responsible for his broken heart. The guilt made it dificult for me to look him in the eyes, I just averted my gaze from him.

  „Don’t be sorry. I know you only see me as your friend but I want more between us.“

Although I was feeling miserable, he however seemed to be at peace. His lips formed a smile for me, „I love you so I won’t give up on you“, he said determined and hugged me. The hug was tighly but passionate too. „You should forget Earn.“

  „Fee, I“

  „Don’t!“, he cut me off. „Don’t give me your reply yet“. He placed his hands on my shoulders. Our eyes met. „I’ll make you get over him. Someday you’ll fall in love with me.“

He went to the door but waited between the doorway.  „Think about what I told you. Give me your answer when you’re certain how you really feel about me“, he last said without looking at me then exited the house.

I lost strenght in my body, couldn’t even stay straight on my feet anymore. I sat on the chair and stared into space. My mind went blank. Anybody could tell from my shocked face that something unbelievable just happened.

How could something like that happen? I knew there was a reason behind Fee’s lovely behaviour toward me but I didn’t expect him to be in love with me. We don’t know each other that well. Before I began to spent more times with him, I didn’t like him at all. It was like I wasn’t aware of his existence til the day he disagreed with Earn because of our idea of the cheerleader club.

I held my forehead in my palms. My heart beated loudly, my belly tingled. I placed a hand on my chest to calm my thumping heart.

What is this weird sensation I always felt by Fee’s side? Unfortunately I can’t decipher this sensation as love or as mere friendship. Should i just forget about my unrequiered crush for my best friend and try it out with Fee? Will I be happy with him?  

My Comment: Here's the link to the song "It's okay to say I love you?" by Lydia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbCZoPJvkA0

It was difficult to find the song and I have to change few words since it didn't make sense in english :)

I hope you enjoy it