Hyukjae calls me nearly every morning now, after his shower and coffee. Lately, he likes to talk about his art work, that he had a tiring afternoon with his models, I know he means the magazine models he clips out and pastes on cardboard baking, he maintains this fantasy for so long and it’s so adorable. He talks about how life will be change after his first show in a gallery, admits that he expects his work to be popular since it deals with the human body, a critique of men’s uality. He says:

“I’m not interested in becoming rich and famous, all I want is enough money to go on making work, I would be completely satisfied with that. I’ve wasted 27 years, while you’ve made a name of yourself. I can’t afford wasting more time, that’s why this work is really important to me…”

“Why don’t we take a walk? We can talk more pleasantly. It’s a bright day”, I say.

“If I go out to see you, then I’m gonna have to come back and get ready for work”

“And why don’t you just dress for work?”

“No, I like being in my place before I leave”.

I haven’t visited his place, and he’s never been here. I just can imagine his apartment, imagine him going out of the bathroom, half only with a towel, walking to his room while reading the news on his phone, and then dressing himself with that pedantic sense of street style. One morning when I missed his call, he left an obnoxiously long message, wondering where I could be at ten in the morning, describing every single detail of his personal hygiene ritual he was making in that moment, while trying to reach me. A second message followed the first: “I’m having my coffee now, I’m cutting up some magazines, pretty soon I have to leave. Where are you, Donghae?”

It’s true, his voice has become a hypnotic and addictive drug to me. I can stay on the phone all day. What is happening, I wondered. If Huyk is depressed, I enter his depression. When he is in a good mood, I can’t stop to smile like an idiot. I shouldn’t feel what he feels. His life is not my life, I have my own problems. Even if we’re not together “officially”, because he never asked me to be his "boyfriend”, we are just like that. We are like two fragile birds preening each other’s wings.

Every time he hangs up, I feel empty and useless.

A few days later I went to visit Yesung at his gallery. We not only knew each other, we had been flirtatious from time to time, in fact, I’d considerer Yesung the best choice for a boyfriend until I met Hyuk. And then, of course, I discovered that Yesung too was infatuated with Hyukjae. Even if this wasn’t the intention of my visit, I hadn’t wanted to ask Yesung about Hyuk but in some way, it was something I couldn’t avoid.  

“I don’t understand Hyukjae’s behavior” I said

“What behavior do you mean?” Yesung said.

“He is an exceptionally nice person but... What’s with him? Why is that one minute I feel I know him and we are close, practically lovers, and then without warning it’s as if I were torturing him. Why he call and say ‘I need to see you’ and then keep me waiting for hours, sometimes never showing up even if the idea was his, why can’t Hyuk just say ‘I can’t see you today’? And if he injures my feelings and I tell him he treats me badly, he whines and moans about how unfair his life is, that I’m his only true friend, that the rest of the world is against him, and before I even know what’s happening I’m drowning into a bath of guilt, when it’s all his fault”.

“This sounds disgustingly familiar” Yesung said.

“I just want to know…”

“It’s simple, he wants everything his own way. He’s a child. People have always wanted him and he’s always exploited anybody who got close to him. The trouble is he’s so ing convincing, he’s such an incredible actor. If you wanna know the truth, he’s a rotten monster”.

“No way, I mean, he’s so bright” I said.

“Hyuk is too smart for his own good. He is really brilliant, and charming and seductive”.

“But…”

“Look, I don’t really want to discuss this.”

“Maybe you just took the wrong line with him, the wrong approach.” I said.

“The wrong approach?” Yesung made a sour face, “That is his thing, not mine. Look, I’m only going to say this once, but if you want to get along with Hyukjae, never believe