GD POV

Hiraeth (Welsh)

(n) a homesickness for a home you can’t return to, or that never was

I just landed from my flight to Seoul from Jeju. Monsant is running fine and I never get tired of ethereal reflection of sunset on its glass walls. Sometimes I thought that it looked too perfect it’s unfair. Xin is walking ahead of me and take his luggage. He always has more luggage than me. That being said, I always have more luggage than any of BIGBANG combined. But he, ckckck.

Xin wants us to hang out with Chaerin and crew. She’s here in Korea after spending some months in the US. I miss her so ing much, she’s my rock and I want to talk to her about Kiko, about this soul stretching career, about her album, and about this new sun that is my whatever-you-name-it relationship with Ji Eun. I supposed to say yes but Ji eun’s call last night make me weary. So I say No. Xin looked at me sideways and talk in a judging note, “You got some girl to go home to, boy?”

For some other people, that may come across rude, I agree. But I got a special discount for Xin. Besides, he cope up with any kind of mess and mood swings that I made in Jeju. And yeah, he’s partly right. Nowadays, I sort of got no home to come back to, even my parent’s. Well, technically, that is my parents’ home, not mine. But yeah, you know what I mean. No, you’re not.

Okay, for me, home can be a person. I used to think Chaerin is my half-home. She knows half of my life, more than Kiko and both of them knows it and not showing any kind of rejection, ever. Kiko is my sun that keeps me alive and I need sun above my home. But Chaerin is not Kiko and Kiko is not Chaerin and I don’t want to change both. No, I regret to think I can change Kiko to adapt that homey side of Chaerin. It’s when I try to make the girl in our head real in the form of Kiko that the true trouble comes. And the true trouble goes on and on for years, it became a snowball at one point and crash. And I’m tired, weary, and all my feelings disappeared.

So yeah, look at me and learn from my experience. But Ji Eun, she’s a special case. My brain said that I haven’t reached the stage that I want her to be my home, she’s not even knowing half of my life like Chaerin does. But , my heart, this little thing that beats inside me felt a rare case of homesickness to meet her yet, she’s never my home to begin with.

“I have a home that my heart want to go to, Xin. See you at the party.”

That’s cheesy, I know. That’s why I just walk out from the scene while hearing Xin fake-dry heaving behind me.

I took a taxi and arrive in front of the building of my Sogyeo-dong studio. I enter my password and go inside