IU POV

Epoch (English)

(n) a particular period of time in history or a person's life

What do you say when the feelings don’t fit into words?

Songs and movies tell us about joy and misery, the planet stops spinning, the clouds played out, and your heart begins to sing. Reality is a bit messier than that. The truth is, we meet new people all the time, but we can never tell exactly what they might mean to us. You never know who you’ll forget, or who you’ll need forever.

Well, yeah, even my songs tell about that feeling. It’s just sometimes… translating an intangible item into a tangible one is a hard thing to do. Even more, it’s not how to translate feelings, it’s what feeling to translate.

So, wonder.

Go on and wonder.

Congratulations…

I read that passage on and on. There is a long space between advice and greeting. I don’t know what to feel; happiness, contempt, relief, gratitude, yet I’m also unsure of many, many things.

Feel the moment, Ji Eun-ah. Oh Hyuk once said to me.

Kwon Ji Yong,

Thank you, for you know how many things I’m indebted towards you, in both the making of this album and in life. You deserve your fair share of good fortune in so many ways.

I hope in this world, we can meet people whose not only complement our scars but also those whose kindness and affection shed a light on our otherwise dark, doubtful, and dull life. For meeting you I am blessed because you are gracefully lightening up my journey towards this moment and making routine not too boring to matter.

Wishing you forgiving me for not adding oppa at the back of your name on the beginning of this email.

Lee Ji Eun.

P.s.: Kindly wait for a package.

P.p.s: It’s gonna take some space--quite big.

Journey to Palette was never easy. It’s hard to get up from an onslaught reaction for Chat-Shire. I was afraid to pour my perception of life into an album. Being too honest was not fruitful apparently.

“In a way, you are very controlling of your feelings. Like, you know, you know you can’t be too happy, too sad. Like, you know it’s not okay to absorb the moment,” Inna quasi-analyzed me, one year before Palette released.

“Too many of anything is never okay.”

“But, if I have to say it to your face, it doesn’t work that way. I had seen a happier, sadder version of you.”

“Reservation is not bad. It’s an option I have to take and I can cope with that.”

“But why? I remember you used to love Young Bae, I mean fangirl over him as if there’s no tomorrow. Like, that’s very different from your onlook towards life nowadays.”

“You know he’s part of my choice to be reserved, right?”

“But that’s another thing, Ji Eun-ah,” she said while giving me a questioning look, ”Hey, I thought things are already fine between you two?”

“Sort of.”

“Are you and Ji Yong… you know, have talk again?”

“I supposed, there is nothing to say between the two of us.”

“Oh…” she put her right fingers on her chin, “I thought you two can, you know, work together. Not as close friends or lovers, I mean, as two artists, collaborating. You’ve always want to work with him, right?”

“I am both too afraid to ask and too afraid for the consequences.”

“He’s busy with his album, just so you know.”

“Why did you tell me that?”

“Just to let you know what he’s been up to. Busy with Big Bang’s MADE, upcoming Seung Hyun’s enlistment, and his own solo album.”

“Thanks but no thanks. But then I wondered if sometimes friendship between me and him are a bit like clothes and when they start feeling uncomfortable it’s not because we’ve done anything wrong or anyone doing anything wrong. It just means that we’ve outgrown them.”

“It’s sad. I used to wished you two could be a great company for each other.”

The night was unexpectedly warm, though the sky was its usual heavy overcast. A moist breeze was blowing in slow and easy from the south. Same as it used to. A sea scent mingled with a hint of rain. Insects calling from the clumps of grass along the river. Everything b with a languid nostalgia. It seemed that it would rain any minute. When it did, it came in so fine a drizzle that you couldn’t tell if it was raining or not, but I got completely drenched anyway.

I remembered it vividly, the evening Dong Young Bae asked to meet me. He was overly polite towards me, as always, as if the wall between us is not thick enough. It was a VIP room in a restaurant that his Big Bang members love to go. He ordered recommended dishes for both of us.

“Is it okay for Min Hyo Rin?” I awkwardly began the conversation.

He laughed, “Yeah, she sent her regards, anyway. She’s a big fan of you, your music, and your drama.”

“Oh really? I’m also a big fan of her. Please send my gratitude.”

“I will, Ji Eun, I will.”

The most irritating thing about cliches, I decided, was how frequently they were true. That dinner was one of those. Each of us narrates our life as it suits us, each of us projecting our perspective to every aspect of our life.

“The thing is he’s looking for something two-dimensional and not quite real. It never lasts. But you can’t expect something unreal to last anyway, can you?”

He’s projecting and asking for my approval.

“Ji Yong is… an irreparable soul at the moment. He’s wounded and distracted and desperately needs an escape. The thing is we’re in the middle of a project that might be our last as a group. Are you following me?”

I nod. What was there to say? Already it was a whole new game played by new rules. No one could stop it now.

“I am very sorry that I have to be the one who will say these things and I am tremendously sorry because you have to be the one who accept these words. But, are you ready for all the consequences? By consequences I mean, Ji Yong’s fans, your fans, the celebrity circles, your images, and the reality that you two can never run away from each other. You both are the top idols in this country. You two can never not be mentioned as the summit of idol industry.”

I said nothing… and anyway, “listening quietly” was my general social strategy. It is amazing how complete his delusion that he thought we were dating or sort of.

“I am not suggesting you to break up, if you two are dating right now. But, please be mindful.”

“Mindful towards?” I asked, for the first time. It caught him by surprise.

“Towards everything and everyone in everywhere and everytime.”

“That’s a pretty hard task.”

“That should be. Moreover, you are in a public relationship.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“Does Min Hyo Rin also get this kind of task?”

“I believe so.”

“Well, it’s hard to be Big Bang’s girlfriend.”

“We are creating too many problems. This is one of the way to minimize those in the future.”

“Too bad, Young Bae sunbaenim, I used to like you a lot. Granted, you can pick out certain characteristics among individuals. But, I just wished you asked Ji Yong sunbaenim first about our relationship, or just do a better job at analyzing our relationship. I don’t know how to put it, but I just can’t get it through my head that here and now is really here and now. Or that I am really me. It doesn’t quite hit home. It’s always been this way. Only much later on does it ever come together. Since I’m debuting, it’s been like this,” I said, “Consider me and Ji Yong are memories. Maybe it’s sad that these are now memories. And maybe it’s not sad. But this is my way of being mindful.”

I walked out and left him hanging. I chose not to answer any calls or message he sent me for several weeks and disappear from Ji Yong oppa life’s after our impromptu Japan trip.

But I didn’t regret it. I never regretted it, not for one second. How do you regret one of the best nights of your entire life? You don’t. You remember every word, every look. Even when it hurts, you still remember. And I laughed as if it were funny, and not sad and true.

Almost a year later Young Bae ssi sent me a long message, asking to meet at the same place we met before. When we meet, I only have one thing to say.

“People for a long time imposing unrealities on each other. Whether we’ve managed to take care of things realistically or not is another question. It’s okay, it’s a misunderstanding and we were overthinking it. We said not so nice things. We were both at fault