IU POV

Meraki (Greek)

(v) to do something with soul, creativity, or love; when you leave a piece of yourself in your work

I dropped my self at the back of my door. I stared blankly at the wall for the umpteenth time.

He is Jang Kiha oppa. I dated him out of impulse when Youngbae started dating Min Hyorin. I liked him though, no, I loved him. He and his point of view about the world never fail to fascinate me. But sometimes love and fascination is not enough. I knew that you could love somebody more than anything and still not love the person all that much, if you were busy with other things. I ended things with him early this year, but we’re still friends. He is the kind of person I can’t let go for the sake of my sanity. He made me think of all the books I hadn’t read, and all the ones I’d read but hadn’t fully understood. Sometimes, I felt like I should try to understand him in this life even when we’re not in a relationship anymore that’s why we still talk things here and there.

So imagine my surprise when paparazzi pictures of us emerged like a bolt of lightning in a sunny day.

I confirmed it anyway. I don’t want Loen to come up with the bull excuse like visiting the sick anymore. Besides the picture proof seemed conclusive to the public. I don’t want the public to drag me down like Park Shin Hye-Lee Jong Suk. And no, not sly fox bed selca bat blight anymore.

He, I think out of respect, so that I don’t look like an opportunist , confirmed it too. I am curious, but somehow understand half of the reason. We decided to talk about it, and eventually about how and when should we release the news of our breakup. We haven’t talk in weeks and suddenly we are supposed to talk about these things. I knew that this was not going to be good.

And it was cold and awkward and suffocating.

Not to mention the fact that my phone never stops vibrating. Calls, messages, emails, and SNS notifications came like it is raining cats and dogs. I schemed all those notifications that almost kills my phone: congratulating, fake-congratulating, curiosity, fake-curiosity for the sake of gossiping. I checked Naver. Bad idea. Fox, you sly fox for Wooyoung, Eunhyuk, and now Kiha. Always, that one dimensional version to see me: either nation’s little sister or a sly fox.

“I am not one dimensional,” I cried out. Sigh.

The phone is still vibrating nonstop with notifications even now when I’m already back home after meeting Ki ha. I want it to be drown in the nearest body of water. But then one particular someone’s message comes.

Kwon Ji Yong

I thought I’m the only special oppa for you? Turns out I was wrong all along.

Congratulation, Ji Eun-ah.

Me

I always tell you that you’re overly confident oppa-nim

But still, you’re the dopest

Thanks, eh

His message is the only thing that I immediately answer. Then he writes…

Kwon Ji Yong

What’s with the eh tone?

Jk

That is when I decided I can’t contain it anymore. I call him right here and then.

“Oppa-nim”

“Ji Eun?”

“Oppa-nim I hope I’m not disturbing you”

“Nah, you wake me up actually”

“But you just send me katalk?”

“Well you make me fully awake now. What’s up Kiha’s girl?” he teases me. I find it ironic.

“…oppa-nim…” I slipped up, chocked up a bit at that.

“Ji Eun-ah?” his tone changes.

“Oppa-nim, are you in Korea?”

“I’m in the USA… Ji Eun-ah, why? As in really, why? What happen?”

“Can we meet when you come back? Not for lunch, no. Can we have those little night talks?”

“Ji Eun-ah, unfortunately I’m not going back to Korea until the tour in Macau finished, which is at the end of this month. Ji Eun-ah, why?”

“…Okay. Can we meet by then?”

“Sure, Ji Eun-ah, sure.”

“Great! Awesome, oppa-nim, let me know when can I meet you okay? Okay? Anyway oppa, wait for my album, okay?”

“Ji Eun-ah… your album… of course I will. Ji Eun-ah… hey kid… remember how we talked about not judging each other? Not making pre-assumption about each other’s condition?”

“Yyes, I guess?”

“I won’t judge. I won’t make pre-assumption. Just… don’t hold it.”

I guess I speak long enough in a choked up voice for him to say those words. My intention calling him is to have a good conversation, but I have a good cry instead. It’s silly, I know. Crying doesn’t help. But—sometimes—one just feels that life is quite unbearable.

And he’s here, staying on the line.

Seems like life with all those insults and problems is quite bearable.

It is better to be alone, I figure, than to be with someone who can’t see who you are. It is best if you have companion to talk it out. I talked to In Na unni. She said it was a hasty decision on my part but she respects it anyway. She said I am an adult, I know what’s good, what’s better, and what’s best. She said that now I just have to live with the consequences. She’s definitely the definition of one mature woman if she’s sober.

It’s a quiet evening in my place. Oh Hyuk just sent me a message.

Oh Hyu