author: killergal

title: perfection

reviewer: yey123

Title (12/15)

Honestly, your title is one that can either be absolute gold or an immediate turn-off depending on who’s reading it. I personally am a huge fan of one word titles and since perfection is a word that can contain so many meanings, stories, and feelings behind it’s seemingly bland exterior, it immediately piqued my interest. However, there are lots of readers who may skip over it while looking through fanfictions just because it’s rather plain, not too mention a bit unoriginal as well since there are many other stories both on and off AFF that share the same title as your story.

But your title did relate to the story well, since after all the whole fic is centered around Kai’s quest for perfection, so I think it’s an appropriate title.

Description/Foreword (15/15)

I absolutely fell in love with your description. I am someone who prefers short, vague descriptions like yours over lengthy or descriptive ones that explain the plot of the story, so reading your description was a huge turn on for me. It gave a brief glimpse of what the story may be about, without revealing anything big. I find the simplicity of the words you used rather beautiful and despite it being short, your description immediately made me ask questions which is what a good description should do.

Although certain readers may prefer to read a more lengthy description that goes into more detail on the plot and whatnot, I think the short description you have now suits the story well and it’s just perfection see what i did there

Presentation/Layout (10/10)

There’s no poster, background, or trailer but that’s perfectly fine because it allows readers to focus more on the story and your writing. The font and size is all appropriate and neat. I have no complaints on the presentation or layout.

Writing Mechanics (17/20)

I’m pretty sure English is your first language because your vocabulary seems very advanced, and there weren’t any major mistakes. However, I did discover a few:

(the revised sentence is in bold and changes are in red)

Original: It all finally made sense.

Revised: It all finally makes sense.

Original: It just doesn't work this way.

Revised: It just doesn’t work that way.

Original: It's something he had learnt through the experiences of fellow artistes.

Revised: It's something he has learnt through the experiences of fellow artistes.

Original: Kai also knows that he had lost the ability to create artworks. He knows that he had destroyed his own ability.

Revised: Kai also knows that he has lost the ability to create artworks. He knows that he has destroyed his own ability.

Original: He had never expected his life to end like that. He had never expected himself to be the one who destroys Kim Kai.

Revised: He has never expected his life to end like this. He has never expected himself to be the one who destroys Kim Kai.

Original: What he failed to realize is that Kim Kai is just a manifestation of Kim Jongin and by destroying Kim Kai Kim Jongin had also inadvertently and subsequently destroyed himself.

Revised: What he has failed to realize is that Kim Kai is just a manifestation of Kim Jongin and by destroying Kim Kai, Kim Jongin has also inadvertently and subsequently destroyed himself.

Original: He laughs and cries at the same time because he had won at his own game, yet inadvertently became the biggest loser.

Revised: He laughs and cries at the same time because he has won at his own game, yet inadvertently became the biggest loser.

There are also some ways you can slightly tweak some of your sentences to make it, let’s say, flow a little better. Of course, these changes are completely optional because none of your sentences are technically incorrect, but they’re just suggestions you can either take or leave. For example:

Original: He never had any regrets in his life before and he certainly plans to keep it that way forever (however unrealistic it seems).

Revised: He has never had any regrets in his life before and he certainly plans to keep it that way forever (however unrealistic it may seem).

Original: He should have known that the higher he is, the more dangerous his fall would be.

Revised: He should have known that the higher he goes, the more dangerous his fall will be.

Original: Unfortunately, he did not have the luxury of going through ups and downs.

Revised: Unfortunately, Kai does not have the luxury of going through ups and downs.

(This is because you use the word “he” way too much before this sentence and replacing this word with Kai makes the story flow smoother. Also, rather than did, does is a more appropriate word. I’ll also like to add that it would transition better if you started a new paragraph just before the “unfortunately”.)

Original: Perfection is something that allows people to overlook its flaws and only concentrate on its beauty.

Revised: Perfection is something that allows people to overlook something’s flaws and only concentrate on its beauty.

And the only other thing that you could change is the part when you’re mentioning the headlines that Kai made in the newspaper. You should uncapitalize some words there. I know some places capitalize all words in titles, but I find it more appropriate to use the original rules and only capitalize some.

Original: Art Prodigy Kim Kai Smiles For The First Time.

Revised: Art Prodigy Kim Kai Smiles for the First Time

Original: Famous Art Prodigy Gives Away His Artwork To A Stranger

Revised: Famous Art Prodigy Gives Away His Artwork to a Stranger

Writing Style (18/20)

Your writing style is just so unique and nice to read. It’s extremely descriptive to the point where I can just visualize every single thing happening from the characters to the setting to the littlest details. It’s also descriptive to the point where things may seem a bit exaggerated to some readers. For some readers, exaggeration could add to the story even more but for others, I feel like it can be a factor that turns them away.

You have a natural talent of putting your words together so that the sentences sound more beautiful and interesting than they should. For example:

“The ambiguous and melancholic aura oozes out of him the way vanilla oozes out of cream puffs.”

I am positive there is no better way to describe the aura Kai gives off than the way you did. Just this one sentence gives me so many images and your figurative language and vocabulary is all on point!

I thoroughly enjoyed reading your story and your writing style was definitely one of the reasons why.

Character (30/35)

I. Kai

First, I will like to discuss Kai, since after all he is the main character of the story.

Gosh, I absolutely loved his character. His quest for perfection is utterly intriguing, and everything from his thoughts to his flaws were really well made. Kai, or should I say Jongin, he is just someone with so much depth. The way he strives for perfection and makes that his reason for living, yet destroys himself in the process is so moving and you crafted him beautifully. It pained me to see him self destruct since the process was so devastating despite also being alluring at the same time.

It’s rather confusing how he was able to develop a love/care for Baekhyun so quickly though, when he barely knew him and only assumed that he was ill, but I guess just lets me know more about what type of person Kai is.

I was also surprised when you revealed he was only 18 because before you stated that fact, I pictured someone slightly older than that. I mean, it’s not impossible, but someone with the thinking of Kai in this fic is ought to be over 18 in my opinion. However, I don’t think it’s a huge problem.

II. Baekhyun

Now let’s move onto Baekhyun. To be honest, I did not feel his character much. I guess it’s understandable since despite him playing a huge role in the story, we didn’t really get to see “inside” of him like we got to for Kai. Truthfully, I didn’t exactly understand him or his intentions most of the time. Of course, I was pitying him throughout the story until I found out that it was all an act, but I didn’t really get to know him that well or get attached to him like Jongin.

However, other than that, I think you did a decent job characterizing him and I found him rather interesting as well.

Plot (40/45)

Your plot was very creative and absorbing. Kai, the artist who seeks for perfection and Baekhyun, who tricks him into drawing for him… it was all very unique and thought provoking.

What especially grabbed me was Kai’s life and his point of view on various things. I could grab a handful of quotes coming from his thoughts and they would all be beautifully compelling.

Your plot was deep and enough to me in into Kai’s world, and I discovered that you wove many different themes into your writing, especially ones having to do with seeking perfection and such. I had to re-read certain parts a few times to understand the meaning behind them fully, but that was the beauty of reading your fic.

However, I have to admit that your plot also was a bit confusing, especially the ending. I’m glad and grateful you took the time to write out an explanation for your readers, and only after reading that was I able to understand certain events of the story. But I feel like not understanding everything fully while reading the story but only after reading a separate explanation sort of took away from it.

However, asking you to change your wording to make the plot more understandable would be like asking you to take away another huge aspect of your gorgeous story, so I find it fine just the way it is for now.

Originality (15/15)

I’ve never read a story like yours and it’s extremely original and well thought out. From the plot to the characters, everything was new and refreshing to read.

Flow (12/15)

Your story has a nice and decent flow, but the only thing that took away from it was your lack of variety in sentence length. It was okay at first, but as we got more and more into the story, I feel like the sentence lengths were much too similar, especially in the longer paragraphs, making it sound just a little bit choppy.

Other than that though, your story flowed very well together- from event to event, from character to character, etc.

Personal Enjoyment (9/15)

Even though I’m not an exo-l nor a kaibaek shipper, I really do think that this story was well worth my time. Honestly, it’s not something I would re-read just because it’s not my cup of tea (your writing is not to blame for this though, I promise you that), but it is something I would recommend to others. Especially those who who like kaibaek or are interested in reading something interesting and “new”. Anyways, I’m glad I was able to review this story for you and despite the very few flaws, I think you did an amazing job.

Total

178/200 points

89%

Reviewer's quote choice:

Perfection isn't something that is flawless. Because how can someone lacking create something flawless? Perfection is something that manages to look beautiful even when it is littered with flaws. Perfection is loved. Perfection is something that allows people to overlook its flaws and only concentrate on its beauty.