Sitting in the middle of my room, I sighed. It was slowly getting harder and harder to pretend. I wanted to cry like I did before--like I always did. No. I'm not ready to break yet. Once I let even a sliver of the truth out, I will get trampled on again. Hara is my closest friend, yet she doesn't know the truth. I scowled. Does this make me a bad friend? Am I allowed to justify myself with these horrible memories? I felt a tear slide down my face. Then it kept coming. It came until I broke down and couldn't control it anymore. I felt vulerable. Weak. I hate that. I hate it when weakness shows through. It calls for attention-seeking or mentally powerless. My vision was blurred. I scanned the room, looking for nothing. I had forgotten how empty I am inside. Why hadn't I rid myself of this world that doesn't need me? What has been keeping me hold onto "dear" life? I had never been told what to live for...there was nothing important enough to "hang in there," like the two-sided faces people said. I ended up turning into that kind of person myself. Was it because I wanted bitter revenge? Did I want to show the world that I can live without being taken advantage of? There really was no point anymore. 

For the next couple of days, I kept to myself, though I did keep my facade up. A smile and a "hello" easily tricked everyone, except for Jackson, but I had learn how to keep pretending even though I know that he was angry in the distance. Those thoughts never really left my side. It's the moment when you realize you're empty that you really are empty. Each day at school was a drag, all I wanted to do was fly somewhere far away, a place where I can live freely...yet all I could do is pretend. 

I looked at my calendar. Even though the way I presented myself publicly was fake, it seems to have been brought over into my lifestyle as well. My bedroom was decorated like any "girly" teen would out there--a couple pictures of Hara and me were hung around the room, with flowers and trees painted all around the room. A bulletin board adorned with to-do lists and pins were placed above my desk. There were papers scattered around, mostly student council notices. My bed was usually always made, because my aunt Yujin cleans my room daily. My closet doors are one big sliding mirror, so I could see myself whenever I looked in that direction. I never really liked its existence. I had drawers on the right side of my bed that contained various items I kept as memoirs. I had a small desk lamp that was barely sitting on the edge of the table, overpowered by the stacks of folders next to it. I sat down on my chair and tied my hair up. There wasn't much to do other than reading over the student council papers. These papers held fundraisers and prom ideas. Each year, we choose a different theme. This time, we all unanimously agreed on Caterpillar to Butterfly. Our teenage years are the moments we get to be free and childish. The best moment in our lives. The butterfly represents our transformation into adulthood. Children and teenagers may amount to nothing now, but in the near future, they'll blossom into something beautiful. If only I could say the same for myself. 

I was about to sign the papers until I heard my door open. Aunt Yujin peeked in quietly and smiled when she saw me staring back at her. A small smile crept upon my face, attempting to reciprocate her kindness towards me. 

"Youngji, it's time to eat dinner," she said sweetly. Whenever she spoke, it always felt like she was singing a lullaby to me. She gives me the security that all mothers should give to their children. My smile grew and became genuine. "I know that you like to eat in your room and work on your assignments for school, but today, I felt like it would be really great if you can join your uncle and me." she looked at me in anticipation. In that moment, I felt my smile disappear. 

"With...uncle?" I couldn't help but grimace at the word. My shoulders slump as I looked for an excuse.

"Please, Youngji. I miss having dinner with you. Can we do it at least once more? Just like when you were younger, all of us." she walked closer towards me.

"Can I skip dinner today?" I said flatly as I looked down at my lap. My tears were b and were ready to fall. In the next couple of moments, there was silence. Then, I heard a sigh and shuffling footsteps that slowly faded away. I stared at the lamp. My throat had gone dry. I hadn't notice until I gulped again. I pretended the pain wasn't there and continued working on the papers. After about three hours, I heard the lights go out. They must be getting ready to sleep. As if my stomach was waiting, it started to growl. My throat had started to hurt even more over time. I got up and went to the kitchen in the dark. I grabbed a cup and and poured water into it. I was about to drink when I felt a large hand rest on my shoulder. My mouth opened to scream, but it stopped as the lights flickered on. I turned to look at whoever it was that touched me. 

"Youngji, my beloved niece!" uncle Donghyuk laughed. "It's been a long while ever since you ate with us, you know. It's pretty lonely without you around," he spoke, emphasizing "lonely." I shivered at his words. To me, it was like ice. He inched closer to me and held both hands on my shoulders. I backed up and felt panic rise from me. "Are you alright? Is something wrong?" His voice sounded like it was in a genuine manner. Suddenly, I heard footsteps from the door. Uncle toward around and locked eyes with my aunt Yujin. 

"Honey, what are you doing out here so late?" she asked while looking at me with worried eyes. She then looked over at uncle. "You should be in bed, Donghyuk. You were extremely loud, I couldn't sleep at all." 

"I heard a couple sounds and came to check." he replied innocently. 

"Well, how about you go back? I'll talk to Youngji." she placed her hands on her hips. With a shrug, uncle left the kitchen. I turned to my aunt Yujin and felt relief. I looked at her carefully, trying to predict what she will do next. As if she understood what I was thinking, she placed her hands on my shoulders and leaned in to kiss my forehead. She smiled sweetly at me and whispered "Good Night, Youngji."

After she left, I let out a sigh and continued drinking my cup of water. I did not realize that I held my breath the entire time, completely forgetting about my burning throat. 

That night, I had three nightmares about him.