Chapter 7(2)

It strangely all came down to this moment.

Ji Woo had gotten there early. Her hands had been shaking for the better part of the day and she hadn’t been able to play. It might have had anything to do with the fact of her not having slept at all last night.

It hadn’t been an easy day.

She had been working the entirety of the night and day playing and writing for hours, without taking a rest or sleeping. When at about four pm she had stopped to look at the fully composed piece Ji Woo almost cried in joy. This was something that she had never considered herself especially gifted, but this piece had been born by her hand even if she had bottled up the entirety of last night’s emotions.

For her the day from before was only ending at the hour when she finally declared herself satisfied with her achievement and decided that if she wanted to be at 259 she should probably sleep some.

It was about five in the afternoon when the young pianist ended up getting in bed, hands warmed with a cup of scorching tea and her insides warmed with the memories from the day before (that was still a today, since for her it had yet to end). Awkwardly she thought that she didn’t want to fall asleep and to let it end. But she would end up, inexorably doing so.

She had slept profoundly and, strangely, with no weird dreams of dark large places where the lights went off in waves and she was left shivering in a cold cement corner. Eventually she had woken up around four hours later with a very odd sensation that she had forgotten something. Like an itch that Ji Woo just couldn’t, for the life of her reach to scratch.

  From there on she had fallen in a fast pace, jumping into a most needed shower, getting inside some random clothes and grabbing her belongings just before getting down to the front of her building. Yoo Bi unnie, as always, hadn’t been home and the hurrying artist was just glad she could leave the cold, empty large apartment. Entering the elevator that she was about to exit, Yoora unnie intercepted her when entering, giving up on it to offer her a stretchy happy grin.

The traces of Oppa in her were so vivid, they looked so much alike, even in her expressions or the way she moved she reminded her so much of Chanyeol Oppa, that Ji Woo almost choked in surprise. Adjusting to it they quickly had exchanged pleasantries that had actually been pleasant. When they said their goodbyes, the older woman waved vigorously with the promise of meeting soon. And Ji Woo could do nothing but nod vehemently as well.

It was only in the moment she got in the cab, its destiny Hongdae, that Ji Woo remembered the way she had foolishly told Min Jung unnie and Eun Soo unnie that she was with Chanyeol having a late lunch the day before. She had been stupid and Ji Woo had absolutely no doubt that he had caught on her sneaky move. But it had been stronger than her.

She had been having so much fun with Chanyeol, and she has felt them so close… IT wasn’t even just the fact that the unnies had been with that oppa to whom she had, lately, not dedicated many of her thoughts. The young female pianist, actually wanted to brag that global superstar, EXO’s Chanyeol had chosen to spend the whole day with her.

But it was something so undeniably childish that it even hurt to admit that, that, had been exactly what she had done. Nonetheless she had tried to be cool and poised while saying but Chanyeol had looked at her with an eyebrow raised and a telling pull to his lips (though he didn’t smile).

Looking down at her smartphone, Ji Woo remembered they hadn’t exchanged any texts today. The remembrance of last night assaulted her insides and she almost asked the cab driver to stop and let her get some air. Damn him for making her feel so hot in deep autumn, almost winter. But those emotions were stored for later, and she shouldn’t dwell on them now, there was a right time for it. After all, they had suddenly become such a large part of her that for the rest of her life, Ji Woo would never in a million years she would forget the sensations that Chanyeol had evoked in her last night.

She had asked him if he would be coming but he hadn’t answered. Chanyeol hadn’t seemed the typical push and pull, hot and cold kind of guy and with those she could deal just perfectly (obviously, by not even giving them the time) . Maybe if he hadn’t answered her, there was a problem between the two of them. But he had been the one to stop whatever had been going on last night, and she had merely decided to let him have his space. She hadn’t done anything wrong. Right?

Wrong.

As soon as his eyes landed on Oppa’s when she told Kim-sonsaengnim that he was a good singer and player, she knew he wasn’t ok. He was reticent just by looking at her, but there was something in his eyes that somewhat told of how he was afraid something was tense and awkward between them. Even that she was angry with him. Regretful. Disgusted.

Ji Woo remembered the first time she saw him, and now and all the other times she saw his beautiful face and thought on how someone, possessor of such beauty could think that another human being could so easily reject by someone else.

Could that be Chanyeol’s fear? Rejection?

But she didn’t have the time now. Instead, right after greeting the person Chanyeol had brought over and who had introduced himself as his hyung (someone she knew guarded something, she had seen him before in EXO’s shows and concerts), Ji Woo was already hiding behind Chanyeol’s tall frame, Min Jung coming out from the bathroom with an angry shout of her names.

Sooner that night when she had just arrived, exhausted from her lack of sleeping and intellectual efforts throughout the night, Min Jung had immediately glared at her from the table she then, shared with only her best friend and boyfriend. The twins were still unaware of Ji Woo’s arrival when Min Jung unnie’s eyes were already glued to hers, silently scrutinizing any secret she deemed existent in hers. But Ji Woo knew there was no one who could see that clearly through her. She had no idea what was agitating the older girl but she seemed a little on edge and nervous. Her appearance apparently had disturbed her even further.

Siding Nana, Ji Woo exchanged short but lively pleasantries with Seo Jae Min who was busy from behind the counter. He and Nana nodded towards each other and she remembered they were temporarily not speaking from the fight they had had two weeks ago. She sighed and tried to finally make them apologize to each other. It was terribly awkward to hang out together when she had to be the messenger between them. It had begun without her knowing why, but one day they just refused to speak with each other. Ji Woo was almost sure it had something to do with the fact that Nana was so straightforward with whatever it was, sometimes a little crass towards Seo Jaemin obvious feelings, since his introverted personality crippled the possibility for him to act on them. Nana had gone out that night and had almost certainly forgotten they had promised to hang out together. Ji Woo, herself, had gotten there late and by then, Jaemin was already out of his mind with worry because Kim Nana was never, never late. She scolded them all the time for it.

From there on, they both refused to tell her exactly what had happened.

Jaemin looked at her and Nana looked away immediately and not wanting to promote the tension between them, Ji Woo waved goodbye at their mutual friend and cutely pulled Nana to a table where they greeted the unnies and oppa that were already there. Kim Myung Bak Sonsaengnim and Wang Soo Jin unnie had arrived minutes later and under the attentive gaze from te boy from behind the counter, everyone was greeted. Eventually the boy came from behind the counter and greeted the teachers as well with a very clean, polished bow and returned to his post with a lingering gaze on Nana. That latest had apparently had enough and while the others stayed and resumed a discussion from before about contemporary composers. But, silently trying to fathom the people around her was proving to be tiring as hell. Because they all were filled with secrets to the brink as far as she could understand.

Dal Soo oppa was fidgeting in his seat and once in a while he threw worried glances to his girlfriend. She had been apparently trying to ignore his gaze, keeping the conversation fluent with whoever approached them, which ultimately would become every single one of the guests (well, except for the one Ji Woo expected the most. Not Woo Jin oppa).

It might have been too late when she noticed that Min Jung unnie had drank a little too much. Ji Woo didn’t notice that the older had followed her to the bathroom about fifteen minutes after that. She was getting out of the white and black stall, the marble everywhere around her made her head ache and twirl in optic illusions.  Before she could even react she found the older entering the main door and staggering towards the toilet of the stall open next to the one she had just exited. Without hesitating, she pulled the hair of her drunken older friend out of the way so that she could throw up if she even had something in her stomach to.

Min Jung unnie was one of those beauties that left everyone stupefied staring at her in awe. She had the air of sophistication that men liked and still knew how to coyly smile or how to tuck her long hair behind her delicate ear in a gesture of pureness that mothers-in-law appreciated. She was demure and beautiful and everyone appreciated her. But right now, her light brown hair was far from its straight perfection, all twirled and curled in a clear sign of indifference towards her looks. Her eyes had dark circles under them and her face looked sunken and sweaty. When she retched nothing came out and she huffed, trying to regain awareness, her body trembled a little and she claimed to be cold.

If she didn’t know better, Ji Woo would have said that this unnie had drank the whole box of soju bottles but in fact Min Jung unnie couldn’t handle alcohol at all and must have drank more than enough for her which would be about four or five glasses.

After letting go of her hair, Ji Woo had silently and kindly led the older to the row of lavatories in the bar’s bathroom, washing her face and telling her to drink some of it.

Trying to not abrasively stare and asking herself what could possibly had gone wrong between two people who loved each other so much, Ji Woo leaned against the marble base of the lavatories row, right next to the beauty now washing her face and sloshing some of the water inside , trying to get rid of the taste of bile.

“I’m sorry.”

The deep breath helped make her plead more honest, but the oldest still seemed to want to rip something out of her.

“You don’t have to… Are you feeling better?”

“I don’t know. How about you? Did you feel better? Did it feel ok?”

The older woman had let her rest on her forearm, by the washbasin, her eyes fixed on herself through the mirror just in front that occupied the whole expanse of the row of washstands. The question should had, apparently, made her feel bad. The contents of it were a not-so-subtle accusation, but because neither the tone used neither her conscience was heavy with mistakes, she didn’t feel penitent at all.

“What are you talking about unnie?”

“You were with Chanyeol yesterday, right?” her voice was soft and raspy, Ji Woo understood that the other was probably regaining her proper state of mind. It wasn’t a question now, even if she had used the right intonation and words. It was a clearing. She was telling her something on the lines of I know what you are plotting. “Well, I talked to him on your phone, so I know you definitely were.”

“I was with him the whole day, in fact,” the lack of judgment or a reprimand in the older’s voice somehow assured her. Besides Min Jung unnie was clearly still intoxicated, just more aware of reality, what harm could it do? “Why?”

“You like him, I know you. He went to your contest and you guys use banmal with each other and you don’t like to talk informally with anyone. I think I know…” she stopped abruptly to cup a little more water into from the running tap by her side and cleaned with the back of her hand, her lipstick ruined. “I thought you might like him… but then again I also think that you might have want to make Woo Jin jealous since you spewed you were with Chanyeol so immediately, as soon as I told you I was with him, yesterday.”

“Unnie, honestly you’re the one spewing nonsense.” The fact that the other girl had discovered her and unmasked her in her drunken stage made the young pianist annoyed, her tone ringing annoyingly high. She had always despised how her voice was sharp and she hated it even more now, that it clearly gave away her lies, as the older eyes told her when she stared her through the large mirror.. “And what of it? It’s my life.”

“You’re making a mistake. Actually, you’re making lots of them. Both in trying to hurt Woo Jin and ignoring that you probably are hurting Chanyeol as well. Besides if you do feel something for that awkward giant you need to stop.” Her college sunbae finally came up, a finger outstretched vehemently pointing how her choices were all wrong. “Chanyeol is no good for you.”

If she was first outraged that the other had found out of her evil little plot from yesterday of wanting to get to Woo Jin then she was positively enraged with the way the oldest had so adamantly told her of how the international star wasn’t for her.

She knew she was damaged and bad. She knew she didn’t make people happy. She knew she was not well in the head some days. But her friends were the ones who should help her through the most hazardous times of her life. What right did this person who knew nothing of her own life let alone hers to tell her that Chanyeol wasn’t right for her when he made her feel like she had felt yesterday?

Blinking away the rage that prickled her eyes in a blunt ache, Ji Woo closed her hands and tried to control her poison but it was too late.

“What right does Unnie have to say that to me? I overheard you and Eun Soo unnie talking the other day in the college concert hall.”

Ji Woo wasn’t sure of how, but as if regaining her senses from her hazy state, Min Jung’s cheeks immediately let go of their sickly pale color and matched hers in fierce red. Except the color probably wasn’t from anger as was Ji Woo’s, instead the youngest could only deem it due to the embarrassment. Min Jung avoided her glare. But Ji Woo was unstoppable. For a moment, that white rose that had been gifted to her yesterday and that now laid in the bottom of the trash bin in her house, came to mind and she tried to swallow down the evilness in her, the way her insides curled in the need to hurt back. But it was to no avail.

“Stop. You know nothing about that…”

“And what does unnie know about this? I don’t need your approval to hang out with oppa. And I definitely don’t need you to tell me that I’m not good enough!”

“You got me wron-”

“-…especially when you’re the one who’s not good enough! You were the one who told Eun Soo unnie that you didn’t want to marry Dal Soo oppa! You’re the one who is throwing away years of happiness? Me? I’m just trying to end this frustrating one-sided love!”

And then it all happened at the same time. She had regretted the words before they even finished exiting . The crestfallen look on Min Jung unnie’s face was appalling as well, and she suddenly felt all the rage leave her and instead she was filled with regret at the expression on the singer’s face. She looked up at the youngest as If she had just gotten a bucket of ice cold water thrown on her head by Ji Woo.

But before any of them could do something, speak or even breathe, as soon as the words spread around them as poisonous miasma, in the strange silence of the bar where no one had sat in the piano still, there was a voice covering all of their shame.

“What?”

That was the story of how Dal Soo Oppa had overheard her, the words she had gotten out without even knowing what she was talking about. It was all truth that some weeks ago, when she had been about to tour some new Japanese piano major around the school she had overheard her older friends talking and the exact same words had left Min Jung’s unnie’s mouth. But in reality what did she know of the context in which she had spoken them? Maybe she didn’t want to marry her lover, what did she know of that feeling? For that there had to be someone who wanted her too. But there wasn’t, even if there were people she loved too.

Outside, Mozart started playing.

From there on Chaos had ensued even further. Dal Soo oppa who had been followed by his twin was immediately pulled back by her and disappeared from their sight. His disappointed eyes had abandoned Min Jung’s as soon as she searched for him, and he disappeared behind the mosaics of the wall to their left. Min Jung unnie just stood there in her unhealthy figure, hands dripping with water, a bead of sweat dripping down her face.

“I’m sorry…”

But Ji Woo’s apology had been engulfed by the ugly sounds of retching. Unnie was no longer in the previous spot and one of the stall’s doors was racking from the encounters with her foot caused by the shaking of Min Jung’s body as she, this time, emptied her stomach in the toilet.

Cowardly she left the bathroom and that unnie and immediately dived outside where the person she wanted to see the most had already arrived. When she hid behind him and then sought comfort and defense behind the counter, Ji Woo’s heart had been swayed the whole time by the airs of fear that Chanyeol had given her.

She was pondering over her own strange heart, with no courage to think about the possibly dire situation she had left another relationship in. But she couldn’t come to a conclusion. All she wanted was to know what her heart truly wanted. But even when her whole heart and attention were captured by Woo Jin Oppa she had always one eye turned towards that oppa who was socializing with their friends. Min Jung unnie had kept drinking that night, she and Dal Soo oppa hadn’t talked either, and she knew that the beauty was lonely and sad and heartbroken over her words having been overheard by her boyfriend and still, despite that, there was a little dark diabolic bug gnawing at her chest telling Ji Woo that what she had done wasn’t right either, that she had been entitled to say those things too. Even if Ji Woo knew it wasn’t true, even if she was absolutely aware that she had crossed the line.

 Apparently Min Jung unnie had found in the soju bottle the comfort she needed that night. And even if she was drinking way past her limit, no one dared to make any remarks, possessed by the tension of what had gone between them. Only Chanyeol and his friend seemed unaware and to be honest, uninterested in it.

In fact Chanyeol and Suho Oppas ignored that fact and had been cheery all night. Over the course of the night, Kim Nana and Jaemin had apparently also raised the white flag and were sitting quietly in a corner speaking, a lot closer than simple friends would.

And for that at least she was happy. If she hadn’t insisted with Nana, she might have not come and in a way that made her feel as if she had done a good deed to balance the bad thing she had just done earlier. If Chanyeol only knew she was like this. Woo Jin Oppa had an idea but he really didn’t seem to pay close attention to it. He just, usually ignored that she was sometimes so selfish and, to an extent, sometimes, downright mean. Trying to go over ways to make the couple, and especially unnie, forgive her Ji Woo thought slowly over it, sitting with her legs crossed, her arms also crossed over her chest as she pondered, while trying to not be too obvious.

All of a sudden the conversation was changing, Chanyeol oppa was talking to Woo Jin oppa, exchanging strange gazes, talking about weddings and future and such. When Woo Jin oppa fled from Chanyeol Oppa’s question her chest immediately fell in unrest, annoyance rattling her mind when she looked up across the table to the tallest member of the kpop group in front of her who was so insensitively making such a question in front of her. But her thumbing heart strangely quieted down when Chanyeol oppa, on his behalf, confirmed that he wasn’t dating anyone and that his environment wasn’t dating friendly. It wasn’t a quieting that was helpful, rather a quieting of the turmoil caused by her first love evading the question to be completely replaced with a crippling anxiety that made all her insides coil around with Chanyeol’s answer.

The feeling of being trapped between these two people was starting to take a toll over her and it was making her want to run. Even if they didn’t want anything from her, any of them, the problem was that she apparently did and it was just too damn frustrating to figure out exactly what.

Lost in her thoughts, it apparently took a little too long to wake up from her daze, because when she did, Min Jung unnie was looking at her in the eye while she whispered in Chanyeol’s ear. His eyes flew to hers and then he closed them immediately as if it was too painful, too hard to watch her. As if all he wanted was to pretend he didn’t hear anything.

And she couldn’t bear the thought of that unnie having told everything to Chanyeol oppa. What if she had told him that she liked Woo Jin Oppa? What if she had told him about her little trick in trying to make him jealous by using the fact that she and Chanyeol were having lunch together? What if he thought she only hung out with him because of that? After the look of fear Chanyeol oppa had given her when he had arrived, the last thing she needed was for him to think that she didn’t feel anything for that moment yesterday night when she had played for him. Or the moment he shared an ear-phone with her on their way to the flower market, or even that her heart hadn’t pounded at the harsh confrontation about the white roses. All of those were cherished moments with Chanyeol and she refused to let him believe otherwise or that it had been motivated by whatever she felt for Woo Jin.

Woo Jin words about something in school like a festival or something like so were lost in her ears, she had stopped being able to focus on him. There was that buzz of morbid interest on what unnie had said to Chanyeol, again.

He disentangled unnie from him and gladly offered her up to her boyfriend whom he exchanged no words but a sheepish gaze and a slight nod. Dal Soo oppa, she reasoned, loved unnie enough to forgive the truth in what he had overheard her say before or to, at least, forget it momentarily it order to take care of her. Even though she could hold her liquor, the amount of soju Min Jung unnie had taken could not be healthy in the least- and that could be easily deduced from the ashen tones of the elder’s skin.

And when the small exchange between them was over and Chanyeol had no one by his side again, Ji Woo urgently hunted for his gaze and when she did find his large round dark eyes, Chanyeol looked confused, hesitant, pained. And that , but the pianist had no intention of letting it go just because he didn’t know what he wanted. No one knew what they wanted, no matter how many plans one built, life always had its participants adrift in fate’s devices.

She might have looked through him, maybe her gaze had been to severe and passionate because the idol was suddenly trying to look away, his Adam’s apple bobbing in discomfort.

But she wouldn’t have him put distance in the newfound relationship. It had been a long time since she felt so good about something. And she had never composed something as beautiful either. He was worth it, she whispered in her mind – definitely worth it.

Containing a blush she knew that would come, Ji Woo abruptly left her seat and got up, leaving behind her instructions as she nervously sped towards the door.

“Oppa, would you mind accompanying me to the convenience store?”

She waited for at least ten minutes at the door, fully equipped in her winter apparel, a thick scarf that covered her to her nose and a dark gray coat so long it almost reached her ankles. Her hands buried themselves in her hot pack heated pockets, still shivering from the cold, her porcelain skin flushing in the gelid weather.

For those long agonizing minutes, Ji Woo tried to stay put even as she assumed that he wouldn’t come.  Even though she wouldn’t care of how embarrassing it would be to have him ignore her and not come along, probably sounding like a maniac asking him to come out of all of a sudden, the young woman just wasn’t ready to give up on what he made her feel. It was different from everything she had ever felt with Woo Jin.

And while she’d rather not find out just yet what was going on with them taking in account her unsorted feelings for Chanyeol, his status and her lingering feelings for Woo Jin, she most of all didn’t want to lose it.

Puffing little breaths in front of her face and trying to see through the steam, the Hongdae lights shining enough to be distinguishable, Ji Woo grabbed onto her hot packs  in each pocket and stayed put a while longer, hoping and believing the tall boy would follow. In the least, he would come to tell her he wasn’t going with her anywhere, to tell her to ask anyone else, that he wasn’t hungry.

She just knew he wouldn’t be cruel. He wasn’t her. He didn’t have that little streak of evilness that resided so patently inside her.

The door creaked open and she turned suddenly around, her eyes crinkling in happiness and lips spreading in a wide grin. She expected to find his handsome visage, half covered by a face mask perched in his cute ears and a cap, turned down. But it wasn’t so.

Dal Soo Oppa was exiting the door dragging Min Jung unnie carefully. The drunken unnie’s eyes were practically closed and her feet appeared to weight a ton each, but he maneuvered her through the narrow tall door and small step. Eun Soo unnie followed with a stern expression, watching her twin and best friend. Dal Soo oppa was still tetchy by what had happened before and she couldn’t exactly blame him. She had spewed those nasty words loud enough for him to hear it, and while there was no lie in them, it was still unpleasant for the both of them. Thus, she didn’t say anything else when after an attempt to call after him he just shook his head slightly and led unnie to the place where their car was, probably, parked.

Eun Soo unnie sighed and patted her shoulder.

“You better apologize soon, Ji Woo-yah”

She rubbed her hands and hissed the cold away by shrugging her shoulder, giving her flimsy smile. Ji Woo nodded, feebly unable to hold the smile that had come out before.

When she started following Dal Soo and Min Jung, Eun Soo unnie apparently remembered something to whisper loudly over her shoulder.

“Ah,