i don't want to anymore

every time i feel kind of good, there's always someone that crashes my happiness.

i feel like crying.

i'm angry at my mother. today's her day off and all she does is going to work with my dad because then he's home earlier. but that means i'm going to babysit max and i thought every Monday is a day off for me, a day where i can relax and not think about what max needs to eat, what max is doing, why he's crying, if he needs new diapers etc.

i feel really like crying.

and when i told her that i thought i could relax she came up with me getting a job and all that and that i should stop being lazy and i hate her so much right now. as if i'm not trying. she doesn't even know what i'm going through, what i went through. because then she wouldn't always come with "when i was younger than you i worked my off."

but i'm not her, she's not me. when will she accept and understand that? why doesn't she see that i don't want to be called "mom" again when i'm just the older sister? i went through this with katha and until a few months ago she still called me mom out of habit. and that's what i want to avoid.

i'm always the first to blame when something goes wrong. i'm the first to get mad about when someone pisses them off. i'm always the one needing to endure everything that is thrown to me. and now i just have enough of that. (. i'm crying.)

 

i really don't want anymore. i feel so useless because everything i do is useless. it doesn't change anything.

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JunYeeInspirit #1
That's the sad part of being the eldest one. We share the same faith. But along with that being eldest gives you more authority as well. Think about the positive side~~Sure its irritating to look after your younger ones, esp. when you are tired or you have some other plans, but that increase bond between us. When they make small hand made gifts for us, or when they become more fond of us than our parents, unknowingly a smile creeps on our face. When your little brother will grow up, he would respect you & thank you for everything you have done for him.And, don't hate your mother, im not in the position to say that cuz i had also done that at one time, but now i understand that she needs to work to meet our demands. It's not that she is enjoying somewhere giving us trouble. With the passage of time, I'm sure you will know to be in other's shoes as well.
For now, fighting!!
sticklegs #2
You know, I think you should stop whining. I'm gonna be honest with you, I have the same freaking problem at home. And everyday I swear to God I will leave this family the moment I could. Sure, your mom is eccentric, she blames the worldly events and wrongs on you regardless of whether you're involved or at home, but that's just her, every mother is like that. It's normal. You've got a horrible sister, so do I, and I am all for switching with you if that's possible, and you have brothers to look after, so do I. I dislike my family since I was young cause I got bullied all the time, but I'm still living here now, and I'm surviving just fine. You know, I even wanted to kill myself on many occasions, it's not strange. But i lived through it, and so will you. Go a day, count a day. One day you won't be handling all these anymore. Don't chose what you want to do, do what you can. Because your parents forked more effort on us children than you could ever see and will ever know. I'm not scolding you, but I wish you can be stronger. Life will only get tougher; how you want to live is your choice now.

PS. Sorry if I sounded mean or angry, I just thought we all needed a wake up call. Good luck!
FluffKin #3
we are the same everyone blamming us on what others do to them.What is wrong w them actually? Cant they see that clearly not us who did it?! It worth endure sometimes but in your case there is no meaning on endure anymore! Your family is too much! Yeah only that I could say cause Im no near your place or I could just come over and kick your mother off~.Human~nothing could change them unless theres a miracle,god make them die,or they the one who wanna change~I really know what you mean.Just this morning my family blamming me on their undone work just because I ask them to go on a family dinner out.Is it wrong? Why always us who got the blame?!
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