my mother talked to my sister.

she badmouthed me.

and i shouldn't hate her for this.

but.

seriously.

i just don't know.

idek why i feel so betrayed.

it's not like my mother and me ever got real close like we used to anyway.

and since a few months she talks differently to me than to the others.

it's no problem. really. but that hate i feel coming from her....

sure. she'll never hate me but still. i don' think she likes me that much to put up with.

i help her with things she can't do because she's working almost 24/7. but it's never enough and then she nags on me and tells me how bad i am and how i shouldn't have taken a year off of school.

i didn't do this for me but for her because what if she needed to work and max would be alone and there's no one that can take care of him?

we need to pay off a dept and she would blame me for not helping them if i wouldn't have taken a year off.

and i don't say it's her fault for giving birth to another child. i won't ever say that. i love max.

but i hate how they take me for granted and blame things i didn't do wrong on me and all that.....

i just wanna cry right now. it was a good thing to get distracted by kpop funny moments but now, i just want to let it out because i never do this because it makes me so vulnerable and weak and i don't want my mother to find out because she'd be like "why did you cry for? did someone die? is infinite disbanding?"

even my sister, two years younger than me, talks about me like i'm some scum that shouldn't live. she's younger, she should respect me but she only goes on insulting me more and more.

can't i just disappear for some time?

it's suffocating in here.

just for some time and when i come back (IF i'd come back) i want to have a peaceful life without much downs and more ups because i seriously start to think i'm not made to live.