"You've changed a lot. I don't recognise you anymore."

"I need the old us."

"The new you ."

Lately, my closest "friends" have been shoving those phrases to my face. And I personally think that's complete bull. Why? Because they don't even know me in the first place. They love the girl who cracks jokes and buys them food, not the depressed, sullen . Do they have the rights to say I've changed? I think not. Okay, maybe, some parts of me kind of transformed into something I never wished to happen. But doesn't everyone? Pain changes people--everyone. 

Apparently, I am not who they wished I was anymore. As my age grows older, my demons play in plain sight and party in my mind everyday. It's hard when my sister is a strong 10 and I'm 4 with correct lighting and filter. When my brother is good at everything and I'm an anti-social who doesn't know how to talk to people. I'm not a social butterfly, I never was, and my friends think I'm socially active just because they see me smiling and joke with strangers. 

They don't know the 3AM me. The one who wakes up when the whole world still sleeps and stares into the darkness, wondering about her whole existence, resenting herself. They don't know, when I wake up, I wish to be dead. Or that I think of depressing stuffs even when I'm smiling. 

I'm not one of them. One of the kids who don't know harships and depends on other people. I am me, I have walls, I have demons, I've long forgotten how it feels to be okay. One of the kids who don't know the world's true colours, that's not me. I'm not one of the girls who cry herself to sleep because the boy who meant the world to her broke her heart, I cry myself to sleep because I have to be me. The imperfect, fat, insecure and broken me. 

People leave me all the time. I let my walls down and they come in, but they discover I'm not as colourful as they thought I'd be. They figured I'm a black and white, and they leave. It doesn;t hurt anymore to see "friends" walk away, because in the end, it's a one-on-one world. All we have in the end is ourselves. I don't know anymore. I'm tired, of pretending to be happy around people when all I want to do is break down.

I'm tired of being the strong one, because no one offers helps to the unyielding ones. Another phrase that someone told me, was, "You should marry computers, or anything that's as heartless as you are." Because I'm so used to people leaving, not because I want them to, but because they're tired of the depressed me. I feel no other emotions than sadness. I'm afraid to be happy, because when I do, something will go wrong.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore.

I'm tired of life.

I'm tired of me.