Summer Camp 2013

Title: 3/5

The title is quite simple, quite a common one but your title can also be quite intriguing, because as  a  reader, I'd love to find out what happens  in that summer camp. Though at first, I thought that it was like the camps in movies, where they do some team-building activities, and some stuff similar to that. But when I read the description, man, I was wrong. It was all about a training camp for sports. *shoots myself*. Oh well, there are different kinds of summer camp and the thing I was imagining is just off the mark. *laughs*

 

Description/Foreword: 6/10

There's not much to read in the description, but I must congratulate you for putting one, because  some writers ignore the 'Description' section and  just post some character profile  and stuff. I must also congratulate you for not putting up character descriptions in the foreword section, because in reality, books don't have that in the beginning right? I prefer to discover the personalities of characters when I read every chapter. Ohgad. I'm babbling by myself. Please shoot me.

 

Plot: 19/25

Well, I’d hate to give you this score, but, in my opinion, I think the plot was pretty much a common one. Maybe it was because I have read hundreds of fics and books that's why I say that the plot is cliché. Though, I appreciate the fact that you didn't make your story too long, because a story that's too long is somewhat, not good for a reader especially if the story focuses on many things at once. Readers can't keep up with that, right? I can also say that the plot is pretty romantic and somewhat funny for me. The reason for that is because I felt this fuzzy feeling whenever Daehyun does something for the girl.  Pretty romantic right? *laughs* Anyway, congrats with the plot!

 

Grammar: 14/20

I really would like to give you a higher score but being a grammar Nazi really made me give that score. Well, the thing that I really focus on a story is a grammar. Forgive me but if you had read too many books, it is really hard not to notice some mistakes when it comes to grammar. So here I am, giving you some examples of why I have given you this score.

*They’re here to practice more about soccer, basketball, baseball, or cheerleader.

Should be:  They're here to practice more about soccer, basketball, baseball, or cheerleading.

Note: Cheerleader refers to a person, not an activity or a sport. Plus, parallelism is quite important when it comes to writing you know. You used soccer, basketball, and baseball as a term to define sport, but you used cheerleader whereas it defines a person who does cheerleading. So yeah, I saw quite a number of that kind of mistake throughout the whole story.

*“Who are their opponent?” I asked Nana – one of the trainees.

Should be: "Who are their opponents?" or "Who is their opponent?" 

Note: As I mentioned in the above note, parallelism is important, plus the fact that the verb must agree to the subject, or an object in the sentence. When you use are, it is understood that the object should be plural right? Therefore, using 'opponent' is deemed incorrect. So, in the near future, be careful when it comes to that okay?

*Automatically, all of the trainees – included some of the seniors took out their poms out from the bag.

Should be: Automatically, all of the trainees – including some of the seniors took out their poms out from the bag.

Note: Well, it was awkward reading that part, because of the fact that 'included' is a verb that defines something that was included in something, but 'including' is a word that includes something or someone. Please, don’t make a mistake when it comes to using ‘included’ and 'including'. I know it's really confusing by how I described the two words.

*I lost my beat once more time.

Should be: I lost my beat one more time. Or I lost my beat once more.

Note: This was really the grammatical error that you committed quite a number of times. If I put it here, I'm afraid my review would be veryyyyy long. That's why I would appreciate it if you go over your chapters again and change some sentences. I know I may sound cruel for saying this but I really think it would be more embarrassing if you keep that mistake and new readers who   would be reading your story notice that mistake, right?

*Jung Daehyun, you're death.

Should be: Jung Daehyun, you're dead.

Note: This may sound rude, but as you can see, there is a big difference when it comes to using 'death' and 'dead' you know. Well I think this line is pretty common if you had read too much, like me. So, I think it would be better to beta read your chapters.

 

Characters: 8/10

Your characters are quite easy to understand.  It was easy for me to relate to Heeyoung's problem and it was also easy for me to relate to Daehyun's feelings so it was quite fun for me relating to your characters. But I just had this problem with the characterization; I would appreciate it if you can add names to the seniors, to the leader, and to other trainees as well. Because I got confused because I can't imagine how this senior looked like, by how that junior looked like. Maybe you can add some name of any idol or you can just describe how they look like right? Because imagining things while reading is pretty fun. *smile*

 

Flow: 9/10

The flow was good. It was neither fast nor slow so I wasn’t confused with the pacing of the story. Good job for this. There are only a few writers who can make the right flow for a story. So I'd like to congratulate you for that. Keep up the good work!

 

Writing Style: 5/5

As you can see, every writer has different styles, and every style is unique. That's why I'm in no position to judge someone's writing style and compare it to someone's. This is the only thing that I can assure writers that I will never judge. I also think that developing one's style further is important, that’s why I suggest that you develop your writing style, and become a better writer who will make every reader admire your stories.

 

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

Well, I enjoyed reading your story as well as reviewing it. That's why I gave you this score. I suggest that you give your best in writing your stories and give your best to make every reader happy. Hwaiting Author-nim! Aja! Good luck~

TOTAL: 73/100

Note from the reviewer:

Hi there~ I would like to say that your story is good and I hope that the sequel will be good too. If I have some time, I'd read the sequel. You're a great writer. Plus, Daehyun is my bias in BAP, with his awesome voice, who wouldn't fall in love with him right? That's one of the main reasons why I liked your story. I hope this review would serve as your inspiration to make the story better, not the other way around okay? Good luck!