Ok so i'm just venting here we go, this drama is incredible. So high school right? We have some crazy times. Some friends you love end up hanging out with the wrong crowd have , do drugs, drink, but luckily i'm smarter than that. But that's not my problem, going back to square one is my problem, no friends.

You know, sometimes I think about it...carefully. What made me this way? What made me become the person I've grown to hate today? And then I got the answer.

"Your empty" that's what my conscience told me. There is something missing in me, maybe more like something(s).

They could be love, friendship, trust, HAPPINESS. To be honest, I'm not even sure what it is.

But when I compare myself from how happy and outgoing I was back then to how I am now. I can honestly admit, both those qualities have suddenly been taken from me. Not completely, but little by little they are disappearing.

 I can't remember the last time I was truly happy, or I was confident in myself and outgoing. I'm not sure what took it, or WHO but what I do know is, I want those back. I'm missing parts of my puzzle, and it's not just finding them that's going to be a problem, it's getting them back that's going to be difficult.

My parents wonder why I've become a lot more stressed and depressed these past couple years, and all I've done so far is smile and shake my head.

I can honestly say that somewhere in the 3rd grade something went wrong. Maybe more in the 5th grade. The day I wanted to take my own life, the day that thought burst into my mind for the first time was surprising even for me.

The day I had grabbed that blade and was seconds from stabbing my own heart terrifies me, even now. But I stopped myself, because I thought of my parents crying if they saw me on the floor, covered in my own blood, knife in hand, wondering why I would do such a thing to myself. I remember putting down the knife as I thought about that, and I still haven't told my parents.

To have these nightmares come back to me so suddenly and haunt me in my dreams, scares me. To get these voices in my head telling me to try it again, scares me, because sometimes I want to listen to them.

I wish I could be who I was again. Happy, loved, confident, and outrageous. But I don't think I will ever be able to be who I was before.

If it weren't for my parents and meeting my bestest friend ever, I don't think I'd be here today. I would probably have killed myself long ago, but because of them I've made it this far so I'm not going to give up just yet, I have to try. I have to try, even if my life depends on it, for them