*POSSIBLE ED TRIGGERING CONTENT*

I finally did it. I finally lost the weight and hit my goal weight. 

I excitedly look in the mirror, and immediately cry. I didn't look like those celebrities, but I was the same weight as them. But I have fat on my arms, my back, my stomach, and my face. 

I hate my body. 

How it started:

My older sister and mom are naturally very skinny. We are Korean, and have naturally small frames. Both my sister and mother never went over 120 lbs (we are all 5 ft 2). My mother, even after giving birth 4 times, went back to her slim 103 lb weight easily. My sister on the other hand, gained weight in college (freshman 15 anyone?), but lost it soon after graduating because she was always naturally underweight and thin. 

Me? I am the athlete of the house. I weighed in at 60lbs in 2nd grade and the boys made fun of my weight because I weighed as much as them. I didn't think much of it, and blamed it on muscle weight. After all, I swam and played tennis. I continued to gain weight, but maintained an athletic figure.

It wasn't until 6th grade when I started cross country, and lost to 104 lbs (my lowest weight after elementary school). I was ecstatic about the weight loss and continued to push forward. That was when the binge eating started. 

Cross country practice consisted of hours of practice, and when I came home, I would eat a lot of snacks and food. My parents let me because they knew I was active and didn't see a problem with it. But when I quit cross country and took up golf, my eating patterns did not change. 

I would come home and eat 2 slices of pizza with milk and then eat dinner. Then after dinner, I would secretly eat the stash of chocolate my parents hid from me. And the cycle would repeat. 

I weighed in at 120 lbs in 7th grade. I didn't see a problem with my weight until my mom told me I was too fat. I was excitedly talking to her about school, and I was wearing a tank top I felt comfortable in. She interrupted me and said I was too fat. 

Still, that comment did not deter me and I continued to binge eat. Some days, I would crave sugar and dump lemonade powder into my water bottle and straight up CHEW the powder. It was horrible. I felt so guilty, but I kept doing it. The chocolate wrappers in my room built up, especially after Halloween, and soon I couldn't hide them. I threw them away at school, at malls, anywhere but the trash can so my parents wouldn't find it. 

But one day, I found a solution! There were DIET PILLS that would magically erase the fat from your body. So, I saved up money and bought them and ate them, hoping that I would lose weight. 

I ended up gaining weight because my naive brain thought I could eat everything and still be fine with those pills. I also ended up losing my parents trust when they discovered the pills, and thought it was drugs. 

My binge eating never stopped though. I gained and gained so much until I was at my max weight at 136 lbs in 10th grade. My aunt from South Korea came over, and she commented how much I ate and how large I was. She said a bracelet did not fit me because my wrist was too fat. my wrist is all bones! I can't gain weight on my wrists! I am fat around my stomach and arms, but don't attack my wrist! 

That traumatic shock, and also my deteriorating golf game, pushed me to run and count my calories. In my last update, I had lost to around 115 lbs I believe. Now, I am at 107 lbs and in my senior year of high school. 

How it's going:

I am at my lowest weight since 6th grade, and never hated my body more. All I see when I look in the mirror is FLAB FLAB FLAB. My thighs? 47 cm, the same as a skinny YouTuber, but all I see are elephant thighs. My stomach? 25 inches, but all I see is a fat stomach. FAT. 

I can't see anything but fat. It is destroying my grades and social life. I avoided hangouts because I didn't want to eat with them. I couldn't control my calories. But it's hopeless. I still eat snacks and chocolate and at home, so how am I going to lose the weight? I am hopeless. 

I make my portions smaller and still crave for more food, but go online and see people eating even smaller portions and yet they claim to be full. I eat 1400-1700 calories a day depending on how many miles I run, but honestly, those numbers disgust me. Why can't I just control myself? I thought I had it under control. 

And on the weekends, I have no control. My parents get takeout for dinner and I always binge. I eat so much. I can't help it. It is not like I eat and restrict myself during the week, so why am I so desperate for food? 

So, I try to take back the control and run. Some days I fun 5 miles, others I run 8. During the week days, I run 2-3 miles to control my day. And it is so bad. Every second, every minute, all I can think of is my weight that morning. 

My parents want me to stop. They want me to gain back to 110 lbs and I am so scared. I don't want to be fat again. But they tell me I have to, since I lost so much distance in my golf game. I am back to where I was in 7th grade, and I do think my dramatic weight loss had something to do with it. But I just can't gain anymore weight or else I will go crazy. 

To be honest, I ate fast food yesterday and weighed in at 109.2 lbs when just two days ago I was at 107 lbs. I felt my stomach drop. I ran 8 miles, but why did I gain weight? I drank water, I did push ups, I ate a small breakfast. Why why why. 

I am sorry for this messy blog. I know this is not the best place to post things, but I just don't know where else to post this.

 I just am so tired of food in general now. I want to vomit everytime I eat, but I don't because I know it is not good for me, but honestly? The main reason I don't vomit is because I am scared for the food waste and the waste of money. I just want to wake up in the morning and look like a skinny East Asian girl. It doesn't help when people always comment on why Korean women are so 'naturally' skinny, when in reality they don't eat much.

I think I eat too much. I see people eat noodles that are just the size of their fist while I eat noodles the size of the bowl and think I need more. I eat half a bowl of rice, and am proud of myself for eating little and then see people eat half of what I ate. I am just a gluttonous freak I guess. My binges have stopped, but my mindset in general hasn't changed. 

I am excited to go to college because then, I will have control over my food intake. I know it is not a healthy way to think, and it scares me when those thoughts come in. I don't think I have an eating disorder, but I do think I am not in a healthy mindset. 

I hope one day I will love my body.