I was never a skinny child.

"But Koreans are naturally skinny".

"Yet you aren't". 

Am I the strange one out? Probably. But I ignored the comments and listened to my mom's advice instead.

"Yeah, my extra weight is from all the muscles from playing sports!"

To be fair, I was buff from all the tennis and swimming and soccer practices. But I still swelled with jealously as I looked at the other girls who had skinny legs and stomachs. 

Since then, I set rules for myself to look like the girls.

I learned to my stomach in. Never relax it. Or else people will see how fat you are.

Always hug yourself. If you do that, your shoulders look narrower and you can seem smaller.

Wear long sleeves to cover your arms.

But I never knew those rules made me look even bigger.

I kept telling myself that my extra weight is my muscles.

"You look healthy!" 

"You look very fit!" 

But never was there a compliment on my 'beauty'. Yes, it's very selfish of me to expect compliments. But when your sister is declared by all the family friends as a 'goddess' and 'natural beauty' or a "person prettier than the celebrities", you can't help but feel a twinge of unsatisfaction. Or when people compliment your younger brothers by saying "They look good enough for TV!" But for me? 

"You look like you're enjoying food (that's a good thing!)"

"Did you gain weight? Of course, athletes don't focus on looks do they?" 

I don't want to gain weight. I want to be the stereotypical slim and petite Asian girl who everyone wants to dote on. But I can't. Since I'm strong looking. I can care for myself, I can defend myself, and most of all. Nobody wants to protect me.

Then comes along middle school and I start starving myself. I skip breakfast. I skip lunch and walk around the tracks. But I don't get skinnier or lose weight.

I come home, ravenous, and eat leftovers, candy, rice, anything that could fill my stomach.

The numbers on the scale kept moving up and I didn't know that my weight back then was considered 'ideal'. I didn't know the 102 pounds for my stature was perfect and what my mom wanted. All I knew were about the girls at school who weighed under 90 pounds despite eating chips every day.

I gained. I gained so much weight my parents couldn't disregard my weight gain as puberty. 

Then came my heaviest year: sophomore year. My aunt from Korea visited with a beautiful bracelet. The bracelet was very small on my wrist, I could barely fit it in. My aunt commented on my wrists saying they were too fat. 

I was so shocked. Despite my weight gain of near 30 pounds, I was nowhere close to being overweight. My wrists were bony and very small. 5 inches around. There was no way I was fat around my wrists.

I let the snide comment pass. Maybe she was just embarrassed at getting the wrong measurements. Of course, she didn't mean anything about the comment.

I drink ice water. Fat people drink cold water.

I eat two helpings of dinner. No wonder you got so large.

I don't feel like working out. Obesity is a real problem, you should work to prevent that.

I heard all her comments and decided to get revenge.

I ran every day. I did 100 pushups and sit-ups. I lifted weights. I kept track of my calories.

And now, 15 pounds lighter, I feel happy for the first time in a few years. 

My clothes are loose, too loose. My jeans are slipping down. My face has lost its swollen feel. 

I am happy.

Now I can talk to my crush without thinking "How disgusted must they feel about an ugly girl liking them?" I can wear clothes more confidently. I can eat food without worrying my weight will go up. I can actually think of myself as a pretty person. 

But...

I look in the mirror smiling and see a fat girl with slumped shoulders whispering to me "You aren't pretty yet. Just a few more pounds would be good, right?" 

Right.