I'm Tired

I'm tired of being called pathetic, stupid, ugly and worthless. I am tired of the words that come out of my dad's mouth whenever I say something to him. It's always the same words. You're not good enough, you didn't try hard enough, you failed again. I'm tired of it. I try my best to ignore him, saying that it's alright. But the words hurt and especially when I am going to a tournament and instead of encouraging words, my dad threatens me. When I go to a school golf tournament, I win it or do well, and come back happily because everyone is happy too. Then I get home to my dad fuming because I didn't do as well as he had hoped to. I can never feel happy about my accomplishments. If I do, I am asked the question "What is there to be happy about?"

I'm tired and it's sometimes too much. My teachers yell at me, calling me an idiot while handing me back a test that says "A" on it. I don't get it. Why am I the one that everyone seems to hate so much? I'm really trying. 

Maybe I'm crazy. I should get a therapist. But I asked my parents for consulting and my mom was all on board with it. She said it's a great idea. My dad however, told me only people who are insane get counseling. He told me he'll lock me up in an asylum if I go get counseling. I'm worried, scared, and really tired. I start looking at friends as people who are strangers. I look at my family as if they are prison guards. I can't do anything right and I'm just so so so so so tired of it. If I was made to be imperfect, shouldn't I just die? I should. 

I should just die. 

Back to Top ↑

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
xxxibchrln #1
I know you're trying your best. You sound like a brilliant girl. You're beautiful and so so worthy. You deserve the best. You deserve to be alive to live the day you succeed surrounded by people who care and support you. You deserve to smile and think back to how glad you are you stayed.
aleyriri #2
You have to be strong. I know you're trying ur best and pls have faith. I'm sure one day you'll prove them wrong. You're amazing and even ppl insult you, just remember that they did that bcs they're jealous of you. I think you should go for therapy and don't tell your father abt it. Do it behind his back. Things will get better soon. If you think die is the answer, then you're wrong sweetheart. It'll not solve ur problems. Think abt ur mother, she will be sad when you gone. Whatever happens I hope you'll get better and remember that you're amazing okay?
Librascope #3
First of all I want to tell you that it is not your fault. You really have to remember that This. Is. Not. Your. Fault. You are trying your best and you are achieving a lot. Even if you didn't achieve a lot, as long as you are doing the best you can that is already enough. You said you are imperfect, but every single person is. There is no such thing as a perfect person on this planet. You are wonderful the way you are.
Would you mind telling me how old you are?
If you were to die, that would be a permanent solution for a temporary problem. There is so much you can do and experience in the future. You are a person of your own and just because your father is your father doesn't mean it is his right to make you feel bad for something you should be proud of. That is his fault, not yours.
I think it's great that you want to try counseling, believe me, it really does help a lot. Your mum is on your side, right? Don't forget that you are never alone. All of this must be very hard and burdening for you and I am really sorry that you have to go through that. But please don't give up. Your father and teachers are not worth it. You are beautiful, I promise! If you need someone to talk please come to me! I would be so happy to share some positivity with you during this tough time <3
sleepingprince #4
Have you tried to talk to your parents about it ? Tell them how you feel . If that doesn't work / help , maybe you need to talk to other adult who you can trust to help. I think emotional torture is just as bad as physical abused . I hope that everything get better for you . Please don't give up. If it's too hard to bare it alone, do seek for help and support. Please know that you're fine the way you are. You're worthy and you're amazing. In life, as long as you have done your best it's fine and good enough.
OnceUponAnEXO #5
I know what you are going through really (I survived something similar) but hang in there! Things really do get better (´･_･`)-♥
Back to Top ↑