Those who know me well will know that I have been battling depression for quiet some time.

Those who know me WAY too well will know that it’s been getting worse. But I can tell you know that no one knows that. Mainly for the fact that apparently my depression is all in my head and it’s a stunt for attention.

Thats all it is right? It’s not real? Im faking it?

I was told this by a professional back in 2009 when it first started. She told me that it was all im my head and i was making it up and to leave her office for wasting her time. She said that in front of my parents.

I was told by a kid on the bus that I was doing this for attention. Because I wasn’t one of the popular kids. Everyone believed her.

I wanted to believe all of that. I tried.

How can I fake how I’m feeling when I know its not right? Is wanting to stop everything all together something to fake? To stop breathing. To stop life. To stop me.

That voice that was once pushed at the back of my head and mute is the only thing I can hear now.

Any moment that black dog I have will grow bigger and bigger and swallow me whole.

It would of won.

I cant tell people this because it’s all in my head remember? I have no need to be like this. I have no need to shut people out so they don’t get bit.

But how can something like this be fake? How can I fake my own sadness and tears?

Ive tried screaming and screaming all for help. All for someone to save me. But where are you? Are you even listening? Have you finished pushing me away to actually listen....

I dont know if I can do this anymore