What really is abuse? That question fills my head everyday and I get confused inside the swirl of thoughts not wanting to flush into the abyss of forgetting. 

Is it being hit everyday? Or being degraded to something less than a human? Does it have to be ual? Does it have to hurt? Does the teacher have to care about it enough that when you tell them they call the police? Does it have to be so hurtful you're on the brink of death? 

I don't know. I'm not dying, obviously since I'm typing this up, but I do feel like it at times. And I know many people do too. It's not only me and even though I try to deny it, I feel selfish and think, I'm having the worst of it. Selfish is being a bad person my parents always tell me right before they hit my head and gave my birthday presents back to my friends. Selfish means you'll never have friends. 

So I gave everything. I opened doors for everyone, smiled and thanked everyone. I forgave everyone. I tried to reason with everyone. But over the years, I realized when I gave me away, nobody really gave me anything. Sure my family says 'We care about you!' but the thing is, I'm not close with my family. I don't know their hobbies, their favorite color, their favorite type of music, their favorite song. I do not know their favorite foods, drinks, movies, restaurants. And to tell the truth, I do not know my own things either. Because I spent too many years trying to give myself away and open myself up to people, that I never found out what I like to do, what I love to do, and only did what I was expected to do. 

So I decided to be more independent and not help as many people out. I still open doors, I still thank everyone, but one main difference is I express my feelings. I show a disgusted face when I'm disgusted, I show a happy face when I'm happy, I show a sad face when I'm sad. No emotions my parents said before putting a paper bag over my head with holes in it. It does not appeal to the public. 

I voice my opinions to the public now, not wanting to meet everyones expectations and wanting to meet my own expectations. What do I get? Well, I got mostly hate comments from my peers to my family. Why? Because my opinions are different. My parents called me names in the household I did not even know were curse words until I heard them in a drama and they bleeped it out! For all my life I did not know they were called me a , a , a , a good for nothing, an useless piece of garbage. I thought it was some weird gibberish they were saying. 

So I spoke up for myself. When my dad complains and hits me when I cannot perform a perfect golf swing, he tells me "You are not trying anymore. You're just not wanting to do it. I told you for three years to do a perfect swing and you still do not listen to me." I got annoyed at the words, so I stood up for myself, even if it meant getting a bruise the next day and having to hide my face. "I want to get a perfect golf swing. And I do in fact want to quit because of your rude comments and I do listen to you. You just don't look at my effort and look at my performance." 

I had to look into the drawers of the bathroom to find good concealers that night. 

It's ok. People call me y and a drama queen, and in fact I might be! I feel myself going insane each day and think at times, maybe I am mad but I just appear normal. Maybe I was supposed to be put in an asylum but my parents, to save their face, stopped it in time. Maybe I'm hallucinating. Maybe...maybe...

Racism also hits my heart hard too. When learning about history during World War I or II, I always, always ask "What about the Asian population?" The teacher would pause and glare at me for interrupting his/her class and say simply, "Asians are the model minority." Oh. So we are models. But minorities. So important. But not. Cool. 

NO! NOT COOL! 

I joined a Equal Rights club and asked them a few questions. "What minority group are you supporting?" 

African Americans.

Gay people. 

Transgender people. 

Native Americans. 

Not once did I hear a cry for help on Asians. So I asked them all, "Do you think Asians are being bullied in a racist manner in the world?" 

No.

No.

No.

NO. 

So the times when I was pushed down in the halls for having black hair was not racist. 

So the times when I tried to laugh along with the students when they made 'Chinese, Japanese, and Korean' eyes was not racist. 

When they asked me if I was from North Korea to bomb them all. I replied yes to scare them off and the teacher called me over to 'hide' myself, that was not racist apparently.

The times when I proudly claimed I listen to kpop and everybody started poking at my body saying, "So you're going to become transgender and start singing on stage?" was apparently not so racist. 

When I was humiliated by the substitute teacher when they call me over as a prime example of a native Hawaiian. I tell them I'm Asian, in fact Korean, and they shush me because 'they know the truth', I knew that it was racist. I knew I had enough. But back then, I was not selfish enough to tell them to stop. Because I didn't know how. 

The cuts on my arms and legs are just nothing to them. Just nothing. Because they do not care about the model minority girl always in the front of the class with a hoodie on and long sleeves on. 

They do not care about the girl who always complains about their parents and the counselor never calls them in because 'Asian parents will always be like that'. They care about the girl who cannot get a computer, a phone, a new designer brand, or their concert tickets are in the second row. They do not care about the model minority girl who wears makeup to make herself look more western. The girl who tries to speak in slang with everyone but cannot compute with them. They do not care about the girl who begs her mom to get plastic surgery for her because 'monolids are not pretty'. They care about everything but the model minority. 

And that should stop. Because I'm sick of it and will break soon if it will not stop.