WHO ARE YOU ?

do not touch her, do not hold her, do not try to understand her, do not console her, do not, do not, do not. she is cherry blossom trees. she is an ocean wave. she is sunsets. she is beautiful yet fleeting, she is something you want to keep and yet at the end of the season, the day, the second, she still slips away from your grasp. again, and again, and again. you have everything at your disposal, they say. but all she could hear was the echoing laughter of the past, the countless ticking of the clock as she slaves away in the study hall. if the world had taken away what she was living for, then why? why must she still be confined to this world? 

i'm terrified. please don't give up on me.

HELLO MY NAME IS -

STRAIGHT OUTTA MAGAZINE

HOW DO YOU DO, DO YOU LIKE ME TOO ?

"i remember reading something about change, that sometimes, most of us are separated by too much time and that the ones we love just aren't the same person that they are today. and it's best to let go... but is it too much to ask that you at least try to learn loving me the same way you loved the old yoojung?" - 21 year old lim yoojung

as you grow older, there will be a reoccurring question of "what do you wanna be when you grow up?", either because they were genuinely curious or just don't know what to talk about. yoojung has been there a lot of times, but she always just brushed it off. yoojung was spunky and spontaneous, fun-loving, reckless, and mischievous. she was the girl who was unafraid of danger, she was not afraid to live.

she would pelt lowerclassmen with waterballoons in middle school, tamper with the intercom system just to play vomitting sounds in high school, bring her longboard to class just so she could boast about it, punch her friends' enemies and pretend to cry about it so she doesn't get in trouble, accept getting dunked in a pool for extra allowance. she would whine about everything and laugh loudly as if there was no tomorrow. she was loud and annoying and yet lovely and pure. she didn't care about the world's opinions against her.

she changes sophomore year in university, almost as if all the ballet and etiquette classes catch up to her. no one really knows why and how. it was subtle, the change. she climbed her way to the top of the academic rank, but her free time, the smile on her face, and everything else her friends knew about her started to dissipate, as if she was someone they didn't know.

"you've changed," chansung says on one particular day. yoojung smiles softly, almost as if wistful, "i just realized where my priorities should lie."

yoojung's personality leading up to the present was composed of dreams, the unwavering goal to succeed fogged up her memories of the past. what do you wanna be when you grow up? every time she steps back to look at everyone, what do you wanna be when you grow up? it haunts her and follows her every trail. she doesn't notice how briskly she keeps walking through life, only when she's left with nothing but a van, a sandy world, and her friends does she realize she doesn't remember anything about her life for the past years, only scientific terms, only textbooks, only the repetitive sounds of the university bell.

and try as she might, she feels as if she's an intruder who doesn't belong with them even though they've been friends for a long time. she realizes she's never looked at their faces for such a long time that almost everything that she remembers are only their names and the surface of their identities. and with her dreams taken from under her feet, she's rendered almost useless. and she constantly wonders to herself what it is that she continues to live for, too afraid to ask the others what their reasons are.

tl;dr basically, she used to be this rumbunctious girl who always sought for fun, made trouble and was unafraid of the consequences. but at one point, she realizes the weight of the question what do you wanna be when you grow up? so she starts working her off for her to succeed but loses almost everything of herself in the process. she isolated herself from everyone (not physically), it's only after the end of the world does she realize what she's lost. but that's still not her main priority because she thinks she doesn't belong in the group anymore anyway. currently, she lost everything she's worked hard for and she continuously asks herself what it is that she still continues to live for. but she can still put on a natural facade like how she used to be before the apocalypse, sarcastic, a bit serious, smartass, careful, and still the same yoojung who never declined anything that chansung wanted.

factoids
+ she's asthmatic so she always carries her inhaler with her and always tries to stock up whenever she sees a drugstore of some sort and she really can't run for a long time because of this
+ she doesn't know how to cook for her life
+ she doesn't like spending her birthdays
+ she loves chocolate more than anything in this world
+ she took ballet and etiquette lessons in her early childhood to her adolescent period because her mother believed it would make her stop being so rowdy
+ she knows how to drive and is good at navigation so she gets the driver role when she gets the chance
+ she can't eat spicy food for the life of her even though koreans love it
+ she was in med school because she aspired to be a surgeon
+ she clenches her fists and often injures her palm with her nails whenever she's frustrated, often with herself, and sometimes with others
+ she's pretty transparent when it comes to aggressive emotions such as anger and agitation, she would shout or cry or punch someone/thing, but never do so in melancholic emotions such as sadness
+ there are moments in which she seems to break her seemingly composed character that reminds her friends that there are still traces of the loud and rumbunctious yoojung
+ chansung is a childhood friend and someone yoojung always managed to understand despite himself, that's why when it started pounding hard, she'd forced herself to swallow the butterflies in her stomach and continue to treat him like a pal (e.g. shoving him, making fun of him). she can say that because of the change, they'd drifted apart a lot, she also likes to believe chansung only keeps her because of the long time they've been together. the proof was in his eyes, he doesn't smile the same way he did back when they were kids when he sees her, she can no longer understand him the same way she did back then (she doesn't know that he still cares for her like a friend and still tries to understand her and probably still knows her a lot more than she thinks). and yet, he's the person she still thinks would help keep her pieces together. she doesn't say it but after all these years, it was his soft smile with the kind eyes was what her mind hasn't forgotten. 

for the presses 
+ i think i'm gonna go to sleep
+ i think you inhaled too much sand
+ it says in the map there's a cafe on the next right, i think we should get some hot chocolate
+ give me some air, people, asthmatic person here  
"should we stop inhaling or what"
+ where are we even going?
+ i'm sure i read this in a book... oh yeah, it says, if the sign says don't enter, we don't... no, it's not reverse psychology!
+ there's a probability...
+ don't fantasize, we're not in a scifi movie, we can't defy physics
+ you're the product of a four billion year evolutionary process, act like it
+ you just proved to me something that albert einstein once said, he said that there are only two things in this world that are infinite, the universe and stupidity, and he's not sure about the universe... what? when did i insult you?

PULLED FROM THE HISTORY BOOKS

background 
yoojung was born in beijing on september 21st because her mother was on a trip in china at the time (so much for being a careful mother). her parents were divorced and she grew up with her grandparents in jeonju since her mother was a famous model (and her father remains unheard of). she was born to an upper middle class family and has never had a problem with money. she had a fairly ok childhood since her grandparents were pretty lax, except for the reoccurring ballet and etiquette lessons she received from a personal mentor since her mother believed it would straighten her behavior. 

she was lured into the medical field when she once witnessed a professional surgery with her own eyes in high school since one of her uncles were hospital heads. her dreams were set in stone then. and everything else came after, seeing that all her older cousins had big dreams and you're not allowed to lag behind, yoojung, her mother says. at 21, she's one of the youngest students in medical school.

when it came to being friends with everybody, yoojung had always been like chansung's tail when they were kids. she was always attached to him and everything he came with, so naturally, she openly befriended all the kids that became his friends.

on the day of.. 
yoojung bites her lip in hesitation, "i don't know," "oh come on, jung, i heard from some of your classmates," chansung pauses when she pointedly looks at him, "no, i didn't eavesdrop, i asked them! anyway, they said all of your deadlines were about to finish this week, that means you, being yoojung, has already done and passed all your requirements and! your finals finished last week, so why not have fun and go to the party, yeah?" the next thing she knows, she's looking at his back figure running away because ", i'm forgot about my delivery. i'll see you, okay. dress nicely!"

she doesn't spot chansung anywhere and the music was so loud she could feel it vibrate through her whole body, there were loud cheers and everyone was sweaty and drunk, she doesn't even wanna know if some of them were high. and right then, she knew she should've stayed in her dorm room studying the concepts of molecular biology. only when she was swept away by the arm does she sigh in relief, except that it wasn't chansung, because chansung would never kiss her. she doesn't punch him, she just looks at him, her eyes wide before stalking away. it was a mistake, she says to herself. she doesn't hurt him because she knew him. it was a mistake. 

she doesn't know how she got the alcohol or what happened after because the next thing she knows is she's awake the next morning, her watch telling her she was extremely late for her morning classes. she remembers muttering to herself i can't be late, i have a test, and mrs. kim is always grumpy, god, i'm gonna be in so much trouble. someone says, there's no classes, jung. she doesn't remember who. the world ended. she laughs, to this day, she laughs whenever she remembers it because she doesn't want to believe it. only when she sees it with her own eyes does she blanch. she stays quiet when they talk, and the first thing that ever comes in at some point was, what now? her voice void of emotion. it's the question that's been repeatedly playing in her mind since she found out.

VLOG ### : CHANSUNG + YOOJUNG

[the camera fades in to show yoojung. muffled giggling is coming from behidn the lens and the view is shaky for a bit before it steadies itself.]

"juuuuuung! yah, jung, look at me, oi. soooo... what do you think of this whole situation?" she briefly looks at the camera then towards the surrounding area before looking at chansung's face, because it was more comfortable looking at it than the camera. she isn't sure if he noticed because he was busy looking at the screen. "i... don't understand it," she says tthen turns towards the surrounding area again, there's no words that come afterwards. but what she intended to say was, i don't understand it and i don't like it.

"okay," he says, "do you...think we're gonna find anyone else?" she continues to look outside, "i'm trying to fathom the probability of finding more survivors, if the basement protected us, shouldn't it have protected some others too?" she asked. "i think it would be nice, but it's not good to hope too much."

"i know this is, uh... kind of personal. but what about your family? do you think there's a possibility they might've survived?" she stays quiet for quite a while and breathes out, looking at him again, her eyes soft, "no, probably not," she smiles softly, almost painfully, "they weren't getting any younger, you know? and if skyscrapers were reduced to these... little particles, then..." she stops, shaking her head. "let's not talk about something so gloomy, yes?"

"i, uh..." he trails off for a bit before finally coming back to his question. "what do you think happened?" she tilts her head and hums, "that's a question i don't have an answer to, although i'd like to know what it was that happened really," she looks around again, "world destruction, i never knew it would come this fast," she says thoughtfully, her mind whirling with all the possibilities, subsequently making her smile a bit.

"i'm sure you're super excited to be stuck with the other seven of us for who knows how long." you can practically hear him wiggling his eyebrows. "better start falling in love with us." at that, her smile falters a bit, almost unnoticeably. "yeah, it's nice..." she says, not telling him that she doesn't really feel like she belonged anymore. she shakes her head again and chuckles at him, slightly hitting him. "no, i won't fall in love with anyone, no thanks."

"firstly, ow. and secondly, why doesn't anyone else vlog around here?" the camera shakes and he exhales loudly. "maybe you should try for a bit. it really helps." she fumbles for the camera when chansung gives it to her because wow, it was heavy. and she hadn't even agreed yet! she sighs and turns the camera towards the outside scenery, "hello to whomever is watching this, it's me yoojung and this is south korea on earth in the year 20XX, we don't know where we're going and i don't know why we're even doing this but hey, i'm already here," she looks towards the road they're taking and sees a do not enter sign and she blanches. the camera shakes and it's left on chansung's lap as she moves forward, "yah, idiot! it says do not enter, i don't think that's reverse psychology at all!" she continues to complain at the driver who doesn't listen and only argues back.

"jung! you left the camera, what an awful vlogger!" chansung comes to view, evidently taking a hold of the camera once again.  "thank you for your time. i hope you forgive jung for her reckless camera behavior."

[yoojung turns to him frowning. a triumphant laugh ensues. the camera shuts off.]

THE FORMULA FOR LOVE IS...

THE END