So I’ve reached the point where I’m actually considering seeing a therapist. Woopie.

It’s just a random thought that popped up in my mind, though. I’m barely 16, my life is considered a walk in the park if I’m to compare with others I know, I don’t want my parents to live with constant worry over me (they have enough on their shoulders) and I doubt my friends would truly care as they either have the ‘same’ issues or ‘worse’ – maybe except one, who I can see really cares about me, but she’s got her plate full as well, hence I really don’t want to burden her.

So ‘considering’ is just considering but I concluded that I still need someone to talk to, someone who’ll just listen to my story that I need to get off my chest.

Really, GAH. The words what problems could you have compared to my ed up life coming from someone I had called my other half will always haunt me and there’s indeed truth to those words; why the hell am I like this even though I have an infinite list of reasons to be happy?

I’m suffocating more and more each day and school has gone from driving me insane to making me numb. But at least school serves as a distraction from my thoughts most of the time; my classmates are really great people who make me laugh and I mask my feelings with my well-known bright personality. It surprisingly helps. The monster within me dies a little each time I joke around with my friends or when a friend makes me smile – they have no clue how much their small gestures of affection mean to me.

The last time I truly felt genuine happiness and enthusiasm in my heart was when Yoongi released his mixtape last Monday – even so, after weeks(?) of being down. I wanted to cry when my mom my head last night.

So, yeah. I’m looking for someone who’s maybe looking for a story, or looking for a distraction. The longer I keep everything bottled up in me, the higher the chance of my dark 2013 memories returning.

Probably noone would read this but it’s worth a try. And I tagged ‘bts’ because if there’s one thing that will never fail to take my mind off my problems, it’d be them and maybe a fellow ARMY/Bangtan stan can steer me to the happy path I miss trudging on.

So... help?