Okay, this may sound so weird, but like my title is saying, I have this social awkwardness in real life. You would think it is something unthinkable from someone like me, but I have to be clear with you, I definitely am. I am totally awkward around people, especially new ones. And even though I may have met some one or two more times, I still feel rather awkward around them. 

In other words, I feel like I do not belong and have the need to just take a tep back and watch from afar.

I know I have promised myself to try and make new friends, build new bonds, ties and expand my social network/connections, but I still have not gone far with my promise. I am starting to even wonder if I will ever be able to do that.

They say to think positive and everything will be alright, but I still can not find myself comfortable with that thought. Often times, I have found myself rather wanting to run away and turn my back to these people and just hide in my room. Sounds childish, yes, but that is just how I feel. I am not sure if there are people out there who feel the same way I do, but I hope some day I will and other people who share the same problem, break out of this social awkwardness and become a better and more open person.

Maybe you are wondering how I know of this social awkwardness of myself, because there are people out there who are not aware they are awkward around people and claim they are normal, I say, you have to find yourelf. Analyze and observe yourself, surrounding and what not.

I have to say that I have not really paid much attention to this topic, because I used to (or still am) live in my own world. I like to be in my comfort zone and have things the way I want in my head rather than have the cruel world ruin the image I have in my head. To be honest, whatever happens outside your comfort zone is ugly and totally not what you expected that can happen in life. If you acknowledge that, then you are a step further than where you are. The next stage is to be honest with yourself and try reflect on yourself and try come to a conclusion.

It may seem all like rubbish, but this way I have managed to find one of my weakpoints and I am determined to change it. It is hard, yes, but I can not just sit there and do nothing about it. The world does not resolve around myself, rather, it keeps on going and going whether somethings goes good or bad to you.

Lastly, I have to say when I first found out that I am super awkward with people and acknowledged this, I was kind of sad about it and afterwards, angry. Why I say sad, is because the way I see others who are so bright and outgoing and extroverted, I envy them so much, because they are likeable by almost everyone. And as for me, I just stand there in the background and nobody dares to approach me and I feel sad and a cast out, if you know what I mean. I often wonder what people might or may think of me when I just stand there. Thoughts like: is she mute? she is a boring person, maybe? Does she even want to tag along? 

All kinds of questions go around in my head and sometimes, I really want to tag along with them people, but I rather not, because I worry thy do not like me. Hence, I find myself with almost no friends at all.

As for angry... this is rather personal, but I will say it anyway (albeit in general). Inheritance. When there is something in your family and you happened to inherit it, nothing makes it more annoying than knowing you got it from your family. Because you can not really change the whole damn thing. And I fear with this awkwardness that I have inherited, the ones who come after me will get it too. /Sigh

I really hope not, though. There are ways to change this, but I have to find it out myself first. When you are taught and forced in a particular way to behave and have watched how things went on, thinking it is the right way, because it is your parents and they know better, than it is rather hard to changed this. Sure, you may become someone else by experimenting a lot of things, but then again you should be the one willing to do it and not have someone bother your conscious.

I often find myself wanting to do something, my hearts pumps faster, I get sweaty and I feel like I wanna run away, and end up not doing it, because I get discouraged and the behavior of others, already sending signals they want you far away, it hurts and it brings me back to square one: social awkwardness. 

I beat myself up for it, thinking negative about the whole thing and asking myself why am I like this. The question is already answered, because I have found my answer already and it hurts twice as much. I know I can not blame anyone about it, but sometimes I wish I was stronger, you know, overcome this fear and over power whatever it is that is bothering me. But, too bad I am not strong yet and have a whole life time to find it out and try and learn along the way, so I can pass this on to the younger generation.

Thank you for reading my rambling here, to whoever is interested. Anyone who wants to talk about it, can always say something in the comments section and I will guarantee you I will answer you back.