“Even a tone-deaf person would be singing perfectly in their minds. That’s how I am when I get tongue-tied in front of you.”

-

Love was all about the two of us. It was about seeing light, ectasy and hope with both of our hearts when all our eyes sees darkness. Perhaps love used to be the lighthouse in all of our lives. The one that enabled us to see and feel even when all we see were discord, lacklustre and humdrum. You may say I’m just another unrealistic dreamer, but I wasn’t the only one that continued holding onto heartstrings.

Watching him on stage was the closest thing I could do to be the nearest by his side. Watching the crowd of wavering yellow crown sticks was one of the reasons why I fell in love with you. Never did I imagine in my wildest dreams for anything more than that. I was just another girl that constantly longed for you in my arms, just because I always believed that the harsh reality wasn’t worthy of you. Just because I wanted to protect you from anything and everything that would be vulnerable to your fragile heart. I wanted to carry your heart in my arms, reassuring you that everything will be alright because I’m here. I wanted to be the person you would run to whenever you’re feeling troubled, just like how I would run towards you with an umbrella during a rainy day. I wanted to be your sole guardian angel. The person to witness your first smile for the day when you get up from bed. The only shoulder you would cry on whenever you’re having a bad day. The person that would readily fill and mend the holes in your broken heart anytime.

Those were the thoughts that overwhelmed and clouded my head whenever I gaze upon the faraway stage you would be standing on all the time. Among the crowd filled with thousands of people that might had the same intentions as I had, I wanted you to only look at me and tell me, “Thank you for being there when I needed you,” Maybe it was just my hopeful delusion. But you would tell the same to another thousand and hundreds of girls.

Not that you know of, I have more pictures of you in my phone than them. I listen to your voice in that same song over and over, numerous of times. More than they do, too. I was already here 7 years ago, so much more earlier than they did. I was the one that shielded all of the comments online that shunned you. I was the one that would never fail to stay up for nights just to write you letters, which were drowned in the words that professed my gratitude and never-ending infatuation towards you. Letters which I wished could be delivered and read in your very own hands.

The only one that stared out from her window, wishfully thinking of you all the time. Were you doing fine? How is your throat? How are concert preparations going along? How I wished I could ask you all of the questions that floods my head every morning.

Whenever someone asks me about you, I was always the first to come to your defence. I was the one that pretended to hate you in front of my friends that would shame me for being so foolish. For believing in the good of you. Everytime. Without fail.

Pardon my giggles, my squeals and my hyperventilation whenever I wake up, knowing that you’ve appeared in my dreams last night. Pardon my tears and my frustrated screams when I hear the news of you being injured. Pardon my immaturity and childish whines when I start to nag about how she doesn’t deserve you. Because all along, I’ve always wished to be her.

Perhaps, all of this was just a deluded dream after all. A dream I thought to have a happy ending. A dream I thought to be reality. The most important of all, a dream I thought I could have you in my embrace.

And when I finally wake up from that dream, I would’ve erased you from my memory. All the careless and stupid thoughts of us being together, your songs that I used to sing and your pictures. I would’ve stopped switching on the lights of my crown stick. I would’ve forgotten the chants I used to chant with my friends whenever I saw you singing or dancing on that stage. However, as much as I would’ve tried to erase every trace of you in my fond memories, I would secretly still post comments on your social networking accounts. Telling you how much I’ve missed you. Secretly deep down in my heart, I would still love you.

Because in the end, I will continue to tell you to do the things you enjoy and love. Even if it was something that doesn’t have me in it. I will ask you to smile more often, to think of the memories and events that made you the person you are today. Even if all of them didn’t have me in it. I will ask you to never stop believing in the power of love because I know how much of an impact it brought me. I will ask you to chase after the girl you’ve always been trying to avoid telling us about, and to cherish her with your whole heart. The girl that was able to give you the happiness and strength I couldn’t provide you with. Even though, eventually I would still cry in my heart and protest against it.

To me, you’ve meant both the world and stars for me. To you, I might have meant just another additional pillar of support admist the thousands, where you would never need again eventually, in the end.

To me, you’ve been like my favourite teenage romance novel I would read everyday, just to satisfy my cravings of a perfect love that I will never be able to grasp and comprehend fully. To you, I’ve been just another naïve adolescent girl that tried to shelter you in a bubble from the harshness of reality.

In the end, we would grow up and come around to realise this was just another fantasy story that would mean nothing but just a substitute of temporary happinesss we tried to seek while we were growing up.

But still, I would miss you.