I love her so much. I'm addicted to her. I love to see her laugh, hug her, kiss her... I love it. I always loved it, it's not new. It makes me feel so good, so loved. The problem is that my best friend doesn't seem to like her. Well, he would never admit it, but I can see he doesn't like her. I never told him about it, but I see that when he sees her, he shivers, he frowns, he swallows hard, he's uncomfortable. Every time I talk to him while holding her hand, he focuses on our hands. During classes, he always asks me to stop texting when he sees I'm texting her. Everything, his reactions, his discomfort, it pisses me off. I want them to get along well, but they aren't able to. Well, it's complicated, because... They get along well. Technically. Actually they never talk to each other. They're both shy, I'm the only one who talks. But Mark... He's more distant nowadays, especially when she's there. But since he says nothing about it, what am I supposed to understand? I don't see what she could be doing wrong. I don't know why we could hate her. I think it would be simpler if I would move in her apartment. We have been talking about it for a while now, and we both want it to happen. Also, I'll see Mark less often, so I guess he'll like this idea too. I think it's the right thing to do. 

   — Mark? You okay?

   — Yeah! Wait a second.

  I wait few seconds before he opens the door. He's top-less. I look at him with interrogation. 

   — What's wrong?

   — Nothing, I just came to change, he says as he walks toward the chest of drawers to take another shirt. 

  His eyes are red and swollen, as if he had cried. Maybe I'm wrong about it. I make a step in.

   — You're all red, you're sure you're alright?

   — Actually, I'm a bit hot, and tired, he says while putting on the t-shirt.

   — Oh, maybe you have a fever, I say as I come closer to put my hand on his forehead.

   — I'm fine, he says before pushing my hand away.

   I look at him few seconds with a sad look. Am I annoying? He looks down with a sigh. He never acts like this with me usually.

   — I'll take a nap, I should feel better after, he ends up saying.

   — Yeah, good idea, I say with a little smile before leaving his bedroom. 

   I don't believe him at all. If I look at him closely, I can see the sadness on his face. But he doesn't seem to wanna talk about it and I seem to be annoying, so I just ignore it.

*

   Since I had classes in the afternoon, I went to school after my lunch break. I thought of Mark all day long. He doesn't have any family problem as far as I know. His family lives in the US, but Mark saw them not long ago, so I guess he isn't home sick. Or maybe he is? I really worry for him, I would like him to tell me what's wrong. After classes, I talked to Gayeon on the phone for a long time during her break. I asked her to come over after work. I needed to relax, and only her could really help me to do it. Mark is watching TV when I come back home.

   — Hey, you seem to feel better, I say while taking off my shoes.

   — Yeah, he says shortly.

   It's this awkward silence again. It wasn't like this before, I talked a lot, I always had many things to say and he always listened to me with a smile. But nowadays, it's harder to talk to him, not only because he doesn't answer, but because he doesn't even smile anymore. He just seems... tired.

   — Gayeon will sleep over tonight. She should come in a hour.

   — Okay, he says without looking at me.

   The TV is there to cover the silence, but it's still awkward. He looks at the screen, but I look at him. His skin as always been pale, but now it seems paler. He's also thinner than before, his clothes aren't as tight. He has dark circles under the eyes, we could even wonder if he sleeps at all. But despite all this, he's still as handsome as he always was. More handsome than me at least. I start to wonder if the problem is me. It's true that I might be annoying. I always talk, I never cook, I don't wash the sink after brushing my teeth, I leave some empty jars in the pantry, I never turn off the lights, and I even have a girlfriend that he doesn't like...

   — I talked to my friend Jaebum. He told me he was looking for an apartment. I'm sure you two could get along well. It's better than a stranger, right? I mean, if you have no one in mind, I mean...

   — Yeah, we'll see that when the time will come.

   — I start to pack my things tomorrow.

   He finally decides to look at me. I can't tell if it's because he's happy or sad about it.

   — I'll start to bring few things at once, and when everything will be okay with Jaebum... Or another roommate, I'll leave. I'll pay until the end of the month.

   — Oh, he ends up saying.

   He says nothing more. He goes back into his room when the commercials start. I sigh and I take the remote to change the channel. Since my girlfriend arrives in about a hour, I decide to watch TV until she arrives. When Gayeon knocks at the door, I get up and open it with a big smile. She's so cute. I hug her while asking how was her day, even if I already know it. I love to talk with her. , I feel like the time I spend with her is never enough. We talk a little bit in front of the door, then I drag her to my room. I take off my shirt and gently push her on the bed while laughing. I kiss her on her neck, then everywhere... Of course, we end up by making love. It's one of the only things that really relax me. I only think of her during these moments. We stop for a moment to breathe, then we do it again. We're both free tomorrow, so we enjoy it. Suddenly, I hear a door opening sharply. I turn around to see if it was ours, but it was still closed. Then, I jump a little when I hear Mark saying angrily:

   — There're people who are ing tryin' to sleep at this time!

What the hell is wrong with him now? Gayeon looks at me, looking unconfortable. I sigh, then I roll on my side. What's wrong with him, seriously? I cuss under my breath before taking my pants on the floor and putting them on. I'll talk to him.  get out of my room. His door is open, but his room is empty. I go to the living room; empty. I look around the apartment; he's not there. What is he doing? I go to the front door and see that his jacket and his shoes are missing. Okay, so he spoiled my day's best moment to go god-knows-where in the middle of the night, right after complaining he couldn't sleep? Believe me, he'll have to explain tomorrow.

*

   I hear the front door creak while opening. I open on eye and look at the clock: 5: 20 AM. Now he comes back. I don't care, I'm to tired to get mad at him. But I can't fall asleep again, damn. I look at the clock again, it's almost 6 o' clock. Mark should already be gone at this time, but I didn't hear him close the front door. I get up quietly, telling myself that I had nothing else to do anyway. I put on my underwear and go to the kitchen, to find him sleeping at the table, a half-eaten slice of bread in his hand. I feel bad for him. He clearly didn't sleep at all last night. I get closer of him slowly and I put my hand on his shoulder. He opens his eyes and looks at me

   — Go to sleep in your room, I whisper.

   He turns around to look at the clock.

   — , he mutters as he gets up sharply.

   — Mark, you're too tired, skip classes for today.

   He quickly eats the last piece of bread he had, then he runs to the front door to put his shoes on while saying, his mouth full:

   — I'm fine, he says as he grabs his bag before leaving the fastest he could to catch the bus.

*

   When Gayeon got up, I asked her to leave. I didn't want Mark to come back and see her, I needed to talk to him. He comes back after his classes. He looks so tired. He takes off his shoes and let his bag fall in front of the door. When I hear him, I get up immediately

   — Hey, about yesterday, what was that about? I can't have with my girlfriend now? You told me it was fine with you! he says as I cross the living room to go to my bedroom.

   He ignores me. If he has enough energy to go to school, he has enough energy to listen to answer me.

   — Mark, listen to me! I say as I grab his arm.

   He turns around quickly.

   — I don't give a about her comin' but since she woke me up... he says in a firm tone.

   I let his arm go. 

   — It's not our fault if you leave in the middle of the night instead of sleeping. What's wrong with you, Mark?

  I felt like he was about to tell me everything.But instead, he keeps staring at me. 

   — If you were all red yesterday, it's because you had cried, didn't you? I say slowly. What's wrong?

   — I don't wanna talk about it, he sighs.

   — You know you can tell me everything.

   — I'm dead tired Jackson, leave me alone, he says before going to his bedroom.

     I should let him sleep. He really seems to be tired. I hate the fact that he doesn't want tot talk to me. I'm trusty! Why doesn't he trust me? I go back to the couch to watch TV. Two hours later, I hear his door slamming. I should apologize now that he took a nap. He enters the living room and I tell him:

   — Listen dude, I'm sorry, I say as I get up. For yesterday, and... For earlier, I...

   — I don't want you to go, he says suddenly.

   That's it? He didn't want me to leave, and I was trying to leave the quickest I could? How stupid I am! I sigh while smiling.

   — Me neither, I don't really wanna move out.

   It relieves me to know that he still want me as a friend. Even if he doesn't like hugs, I still want to give him one.

   — I'll miss living with you, Markie-Pooh, I say before hugging him.

   He doesn't move. But it's normal, he's always like this when I give him hugs. He doesn't like being touched.

   — I'll miss you... more than you think, he says in a tone we could barely hear.

   — Ah, you're so cute! I say in a high-pitched voice while hugging him tighter.

   I was afraid to hurt him. He's now so thin and frail... He pushes me away few seconds later.

   — You don't understand, he says with teary eyes.

   No, I don't. I look at him gently, asking him with my look to continue. I finally feel like he'll empty his heart. Even if it takes hours, I'll wait. I want him to know that I'm there for him.

   — I'm in love with you. You're the reason of my insomnia, my tears, everything. If I got mad yesterday, it's not because you were so loud, but because I could accept the fact that you were loving someone else in the room in front of mine while I was crying. I don't wanna cry anymore, I have enough, he ends up saying while passing a hand on his face, letting the tears flow.

   Wow. Okay, I was missing the point. But like, completely missing the point. I would never had thought of it. But damn, it was obvious now that I know! That's why he didn't like Gayeon, he didn't like hugs and all that. And I kept talking about moving out and... Oh god I'm so dumb. I even talked about wedding with him, I can't believe it. If I wouldn't be totally frozen, I would hit my head against the wall. Now, what do I do? What do I say? He's crying in front of me, because of me. I'm not gay. And I love Gayeon, I... Goddamn, couldn't he tell me it's a joke and start to laugh. No Jackson, did you see him crying? It's definitely not a joke. He sighs, then he turns around to go to the bathroom. What was I supposed to do? Run after him? He gets out of the bathroom few seconds later, then go back o his room. I stay at the same spot. I want to comfort him, but I don't know how. And it's my fault too, oh my god. It,s like shooting someone and then tell them "Don't worry, I'll take care of your injuries" when you're not a doctor and you're afraid of blood. What do I do now?

*

    The next days, Mark avoids me even more. We don't talk to each other anymore. I want to talk to him, but I don't know what to tell him. I can't do as if nothing has happened, The only thing left to do is to leave, but I'm not able to. I don't want to leave anymore. Even though he doesn't talk, I like to be with him. I like to look at him, he's so handsome... Woah Jackson, stop it. You have a girlfriend, and you're hetero. Yeah, I have a girlfriend that I love, and I'll get to see her more often. But everything will be different. I won't be able to... Speak English when I want to. Leave empty jars in the pantry, because, I know Gayeon, she'll get mad. I'll always have to put down the toilet seat. I won't see Mark every day. If I have a ty day, there will be no one to listen to me without saying anything, just smiling. His smile is so beautiful, I miss it. I miss the happy Mark. I don't know how I could bring him back. Oh , I can't cry right now... I sigh deeply while blinking. Focus. My socks, got it, my perfume, got it, my clothes, got it, mes notebooks, got it, my charger... I quickly look into my bag, but it's not there. I go back into my empty room, but it's not there. I go back to the living room, not there either. I look at the kitchen and see Mark sitting at the table. He's staring into space. I wonder what he's thinking about. He looks like an angel. He starts to yawn. I then look at his lips, that are definitively the most colorful thing on his tired face. They look so soft, so kissable... The charger. Focus. I still don't know where it is. But I need it! it, I'll ask him. I need to hear his voice one last time, something more than a "bye".

   — Do you know where my charger is? I tell him.

   He almost jumps. He looks around quickly and say:

   — Next to the toaster.

   I nod with a little smirk before taking it and putting it in my bag. I stop in front of the toaster. It reminds me when we had just bought it, and we burnt slices of bread for at least a week before understanding how it was working. I look down at my bag, then look at the toaster again. I can't go. I don't wanna go and leave everything behind. I can't do it, it's not the right thing to do, I don't care what he thinks. I turn around quickly and I look at him in the eyes.

   — You know what? I... I can't do that, I say as I drop his bag. I can't leave like that.

   — You have been preparing for weeks, Jackson.

   — I know, but... I can't...

   — Look, if I told you everything it's because I wanted you to leave quickly so I could forget you. Don't worry for me.

   — Why does it seems like it's a ty plan, to forget everything and leave? I say under his breath.

   Please, say something. Tell me you think the same and for god's sake, smile. Just once. Do something, Mark, show me you care. I end up by looking down. I close my bag and turn around slowly to head to the front door slowly. I put on my shoes, put my hand on the handle, then stop. No, I can't do this. I really can't. I'll regret it, I can feel it. I can make him happy, I just need to be sure that... That I love him. Yeah, it, my conscience keeps telling me I love him but I never wanted to listen to it, but what if I tried? If I'm wrong, I'll only look dump and he'll laugh. At least, I'd see him laugh. I suddenly turn around and let my bag fall on the floor. I come back to the kitchen, almost running. I go to him and grab his face with my both hands to kiss him. I kiss him, I don't know how or why, but I continue to kiss him. My god, I love that. Should I love that? I end the kiss and make a step back. I bite my lower lip without looking at him. 

   — I just thought it could feel good to kiss you, I say. I was right, I whisper.

   He starts to laugh. I guess it means that I look really dumb. 

   — You're ing my mind up once again, I can't believe it... he says with a desperate laugh.

   He starts to cry. No, no, no, I don't want to see him cry again.

   — You're ing up my mind too, I whisper as I get closer of his face.

   He looks up at me. He's so ing beautiful. Did I already say it? Because he seems even more beautiful now. I put my hand on his cheek and wipe his tears with my thumb. I don't even know if he likes it, if I do the right thing, but I don't care. I kiss him again. I love him. I know what it's like to be in love, because... . . I push him away suddenly. He looks at me with his deer-like eyes. I shouldn't have done that. To kiss him and to push him back. I wince and I rest my head on his shoulder.

  — I have a girlfriend, I say. 

  — That's exactly what I was about to tell you. Right after asking what has been going through your mind to do this.

   I look at him. He looks at me with a smirk. It's a good start regarding the smile.

  — I'd answer you if I'd know, I say before kissing him on the neck.

   His skin is so soft. Almost as soft as... No! I can't do this! Oh damn... I have to stop, or else I'll start to have feelings for him. But if I stop and I leave, it would be so mean to Mark. It would be so stupid from me. I jump when I receive a text. I get my phone out of my pocket. "Are you done?" Gayeon asks me. No, and I'll probably never be. I don't wanna go. But what do I do now? I at lying, and I don't wanna lie to her. But I couldn't say "No I need time to know if I really wanna live with you because I might be gay for my best friend."

  — Will you answer her? Mark asks.

   I quickly get out of my thoughts and look up at him.

  — No. Well, not now, I say as I put my phone back in my pocket.

   I take off my cap and run my hand through my hair before putting it back on my head. I feel so guilty. I look at Mark and see he's still looking at me. I don't wanna hurt him, but I don't wanna hurt her either.

    — Jackson, go to her place.

    — What? No, I...

    — Go. Let's just say this was a farewell. 

   No, it wasn't only a farewell. I don't wanna tell him goodbye, I wanna spend more time with him, I wanna see him smile again, I wanna kiss him again.

    — Leave, he mutters.

   It breaks my heart. I see that I hurt him. So I decide to leave once and for all. I nod and I take my bag in front of the door, then I get out. After closing the door behind me, I let the tears flow quietly. I hate feeling like I'm doing the wrong choice.

*

It has been three month that I haven't seen Mark. Twelve long weeks. I think of him every day, without exception. It bugs me. I can't focus on anything. I can't smile as much as before. And the sleep, let's not talk about it. I would like to call him, but I must not do it. He clearly made me understand that I should leave him alone, but I feel like he doesn't know how hard it is for me. I keep on repeating to myself that I made the right choice, that I love Gayeon, but I can't convince myself. She told me that I have became colder, that I speak less, that I smile less. She couldn't make me happy, only Mark could. And since I want to be happy, I have to talk to him.

   I take a deep breath before knocking at my old apartment's door. Few seconds later, Jaebum opens the door.

   — Hey Jae, is Mark there?

   — Mark? He moved out like... A week ago? Maybe two.

   — He moved out? I repeat with surprise. Do you know where he lives now?

   — No. He doesn't speak much, you know?

   I sigh. He moved out, damn. I don't have any other way to get in touch with him, since he changed his number and he deleted his profile. And classes are now over. I still thank Jaebum, then I go back outside. I really ed everything up. I knew I would regret it, I knew it. Not wanting to go ack home, I sit on the edge of the sidewalk. I let the tears flow. I ing miss him. It's all my fault, I have been so stupid. I can't imagine how he felt when I left. Deep in me, I knew it was him, but everything was so sudden, I thought my heart was playing tricks on me. I look down, then I feel a hand on my shoulder. I appreciate this stranger's kindness, but it's not the right time.

   — Don't worry, I'm fine, I say before they can say anything.

   — Jackson, he says.

   It's him. It's his voice, it's Mark. I turn around immediately. It's him. He's standing behind me. I get up right away and I hug him. I take a deep breath to smell his perfume. He doesn't move, like usual. I let him go.

   — What are you doing here? I ask.

   — I'm walking around, and you?

   — I came to tell you I missed you more than anything, but I ended up by crying like a fool on the sidewalk.

   He smiles a little while looking down. I take his hand.

   — Mark, I'm definitely the world's stupidest boy, but please, forgive me. I wanted to let you breathe, because I saw I kept hurting you again and again, but then I realized that it should always be bros before hoes. And now this sounds stupid, because I'm about to ask you out...

   — Yeah, it sounds stupid, he says with a laugh.

   I was about to continue, but his smile is just...

   — What? he says when he sees I keep staring at him.

   — Your smile. I haven't seen it in a while.

   He bites his lower lips with a little smile. I look at his lips for a moment, remembering how soft they were. When I look back at his eyes, he looks at me in such a way... I could look at him like this for hours, but I want to kiss him first.

   — You won't ask me to leave if I kiss you, right? I ask as I get closer of him.

   — You won't tell me you have a girlfriend, he says while looking at my lips.

   — No, because now, I have a boyfriend, I whisper before kissing him gently.

   It's so soft, so pleasant. It makes me feel so good, so loved. I can't breathe, but I would never ask him to stop. I love him too much for that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I made this chapter because many of you were requesting it, so here it is :) I hope you liked it and it met your expectations. Thank you for showing so much interest in this story, it means a lot to me. Love you all <3