I sit at the lunch table. I sit alone. I do not have food. This is normal. I am glad.

But then again, this is not normal. The scrape of the chair on my left is not normal. The lunch bag packed with two lunches by one person is not normal. The greeting kiss on my cheek is not normal.

I am gladder.

Hongbin sits, taking out one of the lunches and sliding in my direction. He makes his own lunch because his parents are dead, but he still makes me a lunch everyday. I am the reason his parents are dead.

“You would not believe what happened in art class today! Remember Mr. Choi, our music teacher from second grade? Well, he substituted Mr. Lee today! And it amazing, when he was showing us this demonstration…” He couldn’t hold it in, and fell into a fit of giggles.

I look at Hongbin’s face as the rest of the world falls away, and instead I look down to see little Hongbin in front of me again. He is still laughing.

A lady’s voice fades in from behind him, panic settled deep inside. Her footsteps click, making more noise than necessary. “Hongbin, can,” Can you not see you’re putting your life in danger? “Can I speak to you for a moment? Outside? It’s important. Taekwoon, you,” You are a monster. How dare you try to hurt sweet Hongbin? “You go back to… whatever you were doing.”

And the lady, Mrs. Kim, drags Hongbin hastily into the hall. I get a glimpse of Hongbin’s face, contorted in pain from Mrs. Kim’s crushing grip on his forearm. Some force pulled me up to follow them discreetly. I think it might have been the tears beginning to well in his eyes. They made me feel like my heart was hurting.

Behind the class door, I shut out the noise from the other students and focus my hearing on the conversation outside. This was difficult, as the volume from my hyperactive classmates (they just had lunch) prevailed. Eventually, hushed voices dance into my ears.

Mrs. Kim said, “Hongbin, I’m going to make this as simple as possible for you. Do not play with, do not talk with, hell, don’t even make eye contact with Taekwoon anymore. You will get hurt.”

Hongbin said, “But Mrs. Kim, he is lonely. If I do not play with him, he will hurt more himself than he can ever hurt me. And,” I can almost hear the soft smile wash over his face, making his eyes twinkle. “I like him. You like him, too. He’s nice. He listens in class quietly. He’s smart. And beautiful. You said that yourself, right, Mrs. Kim?”

And Mrs. Kim said, “But that’s the problem! He’s too nice! He’s too quiet! He’s too smart, he’s too beautiful! I know his type of people when I see them; they will only do more damage! Hongbin, there are some things which you do not know, and I pray to whoever’s above that you never will. Just listen to me. Taekwoon is special. I know I explained in class that everyone’s special but he’s… he’s a different special. He shouldn’t be here with the rest of us. He might hurt someone. I need you to stay away from him. I am your teacher, and I gave my word to your parents that I’ll protect you. This is for your protection. Hongbin, stay away from Taekwoon.”

And Hongbin said, “I don’t care what you told my parents! You know they don’t actually care about me. Mrs. Kim, I’m want to stay beside Taekwoon. He needs me.” I do need you. And then he whispers even softer than before, “I need him.”

And Mrs. Kim said, “Lee Hongbin.” She must be mad. She doesn’t ever call Hongbin by his full name. “You are to promise that you’ll never be with Taekwoon again. I’m not letting you leave here until you do.”

I hear a sniffle. Then footsteps. There might have been a nod in between, but I am unable to hear movements. And then the door opens.

“Oh, Taekwoon! What are you doing here?” You don’t deserve to be among the rest of us. “You should just, I don’t know, go draw or something. I’m afraid Hongbin has something to do right now. Right, Hongbin? Hongbin?”

We both look to the angel standing there, eyes still slightly wet. His gaze is down, unable to lie while looking at me. But when he does look at me, oh when he does! I do not want him to look into my eyes because I’m afraid he will get lost in the darkness, but rather he shines a light as he strolls through them, searing through me. I feel it, too. Suddenly, I understand that Hongbin will always be more powerful than me.

My eyes start to water, just the tiniest bit, but enough for Mrs. Kim to notice.

“Taekwoon, you…” You can feel? You monster, you do not feel! You cannot feel! You monster, you don’t feel, you KILL! “You should just go to your desk.”

I do as I’m told. Not because I was obeying Mrs. Kim. No, because for the first time, I was scared.

I was scared of Hongbin.

“I couldn’t stop laughing! I wish you’d been there. But, then again, I don’t think you want to be in the same class as me, do you? You didn’t let me join music class because you’re in it.”

I was overwhelmed by the sudden change in Hongbin’s mood. Flustered, I try to deny it, but he shushes me. “Leo.” It was his way of calming me, using my nickname. It was only his to use, but for some odd reason, everybody else likes to use it, too. I didn’t like that. “Leo, don’t lie to yourself or to me. I know you’re trying to push me away because you’re afraid you’ll hurt me. Don’t do that, Leo. You’ll only hurt me if you leave me, understand?”

I understand again that Hongbin will always be smarter than me, wiser than me, more powerful than me.

I am scared of Hongbin.

I am also in love with Hongbin.