Warning: Mention of death and suicide. Most of the parts in italic are flashbacks. For Sehun, Kai's smile was the sun, brilliant and over-shining, warming up everything around him. For Sehun, Kai's smile was everything. For Kai, Sehun was everything. Everything he ever wanted to be. But also everything he wanted. Period. Kai always smiled, Sehun noticed. But what he took too much time to notice was that this smile was fake. When he noticed it, it was too late. And along with that smile, Sehun's one faded away too. Kai was no longer here and the smile that was like Sehun's sun had all along been false. Everything had been just a mere illusion. That's when Sehun forgot how to smile. But at the moment Luhan hit him, Sehun smiled. Because he finally understood. The reason why Kai's smile had always been fake. It was just a facade. Kai had used his smile to lure him so no one would notice he was hurting. And that was why Sehun was awkwardly smiling. He didn't want Luhan to know his pain. The latter was staring at him dumfounded, analysing him. The poker-man's face was still, but an akward crooked stretch was displayed on his lips, a mere tentative to smile. However, it didn't reach his eyes, so Luhan knew. Eyes don't lie. Sehun was hurt. But anger was stronger than remorse. So he didn't flinch. The door slammed open, extracting them both from their trance, and the Chinese boy felt a pair of strong hands gripping him from behind, pulling him up while something faintly stung him in his upper arm. Suddenly, his body went numb and felt light, his mind turning empty. They had drugged him. The last thing he felt was being moved on his bed despite his weak oppositions before he was forced to sleep by the substance they had injected into him. *** "You slightly fissured your forearm just under your elbow when you fell. You'll have to wear this plaster for about a month." Chanyeol explained while he was wrapping the bandages around Sehun's limb. "I was quite shocked when I saw Baek bringing you here and telling me this had to do be done in secret because no one should know that your patient is the cause." He paused a second, inspecting the other, but there was no reaction, so he went on. "I didn't know being a psychiatrist could be that dangerous... Well, Baek did mention to me that people with personality disorder could have some hidden strength that could burst out unpredictably when they are in their crisis state. I guess it was Luhan's case." His words died in the heavy silence before a weak murmur escaped Sehun's lips: "I guess..." Chanyeol wasn't dumb. He could see that something was off with his friend. So he tried to light up the mood: "Don't worry! I'm sure Baek is now strangling him to death and Luhan will come back crawling to you for your forgiveness. My lover sure tends to get all protective when it comes to you, I'm almost jealous. You know, I still catch him gazing at your pictures on his phone from time to time... Soon I'm persuaded he will moan your name instead of mine in bed." Sehun choked. Chanyeol smiled in victory. But half of his words were true. *** Baekhyun was 18. He was sitting nonchalantly on his chair, half listening to his teacher rambling while he prefered focusing on the stability of his pen stuck between his upper lip and his nose. "I have a purple mustache!" He beamed internaly. His life was complete. But the sound of the cracking door soon pulled him out from his musing. Light steps could be heard as someone entered the classroom and came at the front, standing next to the teacher's desk. The intruder was a tall boy whose uniform looked almost too big on his lean frame. The pen was imediatly forgotten, falling from his spot as Baekhyun straightened up on his chair, intensly staring at the newcommer. He started studying him. His skin was pale, almost livid, and he had a quite angular face with a sharp jaw and two dark piercing eyes. He noted the lack of brightness in them. His facial features didn't even twitch while he stared blankly at the students sitting in front of him. You could barely notice him blinking when his overgrown fringe would tease his eyesight. Baekhyun's attention then shifted to his lips. They were small and fine, colored in a pretty venetian pink shade. He kept them pressed in a line, wich highlighted his stern expression. Somehow, he seemed to be bearing all the world's misfortune on his shoulders. Interesting. "Guys." The teacher started introducing. "This is Oh Sehun. He will be attending class with you so be good to him. Furthermore, he has special conditions so he doesn't speak and he is only 16 so he is 2 years younger than most of you, so behave." Indeed, being a genius, Sehun had to skip two grades since the level of Baekhyun's school was way lower than his previous one. "Oh Sehun, go sit next to Byun Baekhyun." He then ordered to the boy standing at his side. At the sound of his name, Baekhyun averted his attention back to his teacher, and then beamed gleefully at his new seatmate, waving with eagerness so he could be seen. And Sehun quietly sat beside him, avoiding any eye contact and fixing the whiteboard, deadpan mask pulled on, while Baekhyun was intensly grinning at him. "This will be fun." He chanted inwardly. The same day, when he went back to his dorm room after dinner, the sassy boy was surprised to find his habitually lifeless room occupied by an other being. And this person just happened to be Sehun. "Oh so you're my new roommate? Seems like we'll be stuck together for the entire year!" He chirped as he threw himself on the other, wrapping his arm around his neck (not without struggling a bit because of their height difference) and headlocked him. But Sehun simply pushed him aside as if getting rid of a bothering fly, and he went back to unpacking his belongings. Baekhyun refrained from pouting: "Well, you're not really talkative, but it's okay since I'll fill for both." He showed his signature rectangular smile, which had Sehun halt in his tracks. Smile. "Why is he smiling?" He shook his head at the thought. No, he wouldn't be made a fool once again. Smiles were fake. They were just lies people easily threw around without knowing the effect they could have on others. So Sehun wouldn't fall for the same lie again. Kai... Baekhyun slammed the door open and entered with a diva - like hip roll before throwing himself at his roommate who was currently lying in his bed with a book in his hands. "Ayo waddup Hun?" He sarted bouncing on the mattress so the other would look at him. But when he noticed there were no reactions, he pulled the book to himself, reading the title inscribed on the cover. "A psychology book? Again?!" He whined in exasperation. "Just what is so interesting about that?" Sehun ticked his tongue in annoyance. After four months of seat and room sharing, that was the only sound he would produce to communicate with Baekhyun. But it didn't mattered to the latter because he didn't need words to understand what the other was saying. That was how much of a friend he had became with Sehun (even if the latter would never admit it). On an outburst of affection, he hugged the boy tightly, snuggling against him while burying the tip of his nose in his friend's neck: "Sehun-ah! I like you so much~!" He chanted. Kai... "You shouldn't." Grumbled internally the concerned boy as he pushed away his clingy friend rather abruptly, making him fall out of the bed and crash pretty violently on the ground. However, Baekhyun casually got up and flashed his brightest smile: "Was that a rejection? Ow you meanie Hunnie." He faked a pout. "Don't smile." Sehun thought as he ignored him and walked out of the room while Baekhyun ended up talking to himself: "Your going to see the psychologist again?" As if there would be any answer. It had became Sehun's habit. Thrice a week, he would pay a visit to the school's psychologist and stay there blabbering with her about his passion. Well that was what Baekhyun thought anyway. Because he didn't know that Sehun needed a psychologist. He hadn't heard about Kai. Nobody had. And nobody would. Once he noticed he was alone, the puppy - faced boy threw himself in his own bed and whispered longingly: "I wasn't lying when I said I liked you, Oh Sehun." And he really wasn't. Because Baekhyun had what most of people would refer to as a crush. He liked Sehun. "Mr Byun! I was waiting for you." The psychologist's voice ringed when the concerned boy slowly pushed her office door open and peered inside of the room with an hesitant glance. It was the first time he ever came here and he didn't even know why he had been called in. But the woman's soft voice imediatly eased him: "Come in, don't be shy! My name is Kim Taeyon, but you can just call me Noona!" She chirped with her nice tone. Beakhyun nodded slightly as he took a sit across her, still a bit confused: "Why did you want to see me?" He questioned. Her welcoming smile disappeared for a second before being replaced by an other kind of smile. A sad smile: "You are Sehun's roommate, right?" Baekhyun nodded, the frown between his eyebrows deepening. What about Sehun? "If I'm not wrong, you are even friends." "Yeah..." What was she getting at? "Is something wrong with Sehun?" He had suddenly recalled how the teacher had introduced him saying he had 'some conditions'. Was that the reason why Sehun always went to see her? "I guess he never talked to you either, right?" She sighed. "No, he didn't." Baekhyun's heartbeat started roaring, sweat slowly forming on his palms. Something was off. And he didn't like that. "So, is really something wrong with Sehun?" He insisted. The same sad smile spread on her plush lips as she took his hand in hers, gently clentching it in solace: "Sehun..." She started, but paused, searching for the right words. "Sehun has recently experienced something quite traumatizing and he needs more than ever the presence of a true friend that will be there for him in time of need. He needs you to be by his side, Baekhyun. I know it must be hard to do so, especially when you don't know the details, but I hope you will still be there. That's all I wanted to say." She smiled, more confidently this time. The boy stood up with a new light melting his pupils: "You didn't need to worry. I'll always be there for him." He solemnly looked around the room. That's it. He had finaly found it. His goal. "I'll help Sehun, and all the people with concerns. I'll be there for them." That's how Baekhyun had found his path. *** "Who are you?" He sighed. Baekhyun was sitting on the inconfortable plastic chair beside the patient's bed, glancing from time to time at the sleeping face. "You look so innocent when you sleep, but why do you always hurt him?" Luhan was still cooing, completely worn off by the drug he had been administrated. And despite his angelic features, Baekhyun despised him. Because Luhan always ended up hurting Sehun. And that was something the little psychiatrist couldn't bear. Howbeit, he couldn't deny that the Chinese boy also had a positive impact on his friend. Indeed, something in the latter had changed drastically. More than his aura, even his behaviour toward the others had become different. Even his eyes. Sehun's eyes that had always seemed to be filled with nothing but emptiness were now shining with something new, something beautiful. Something apparent to life. So deeply inside of him, Baekhyun knew he was also grateful toward the childlike man. He had brought back life into Sehun's soul. *** When Luhan opened his eyes, everything around him was just blurs and swirls, his body still groggy from the injections. He rubbed his eyes, forcing the light to enter his pupils. Suddenly, a gushing feeling engulfed his chest as he sat up straight on his bed, breathing heavily. Sehun... But the feeling wich was remorse, he deduced, was once again washed away by a wave of anger. "So you finaly woke up." Luhan turned his head toward the voice only to meet the puppy - faced doctor's eye glancing at him. He couldn't depict his expression. He seemed... angry? His arms were crossed over his chest and his lips pressed in a straight line, eyes judging. He read the name tag on the blouse. Byun Baekhyun. So that was his name. He was still staring at the doctor when the said one got up from his chair and grabbed a paper, letting it fall gracefully on Luhan's knees with a diva - like movement: "Before jumping on him and breaking his arm, you could have at least listened to his side of the story." He was looking at the patient with defiant eyes. But Luhan's attention was stuck on the paper lying in front of him. And the mention of Sehun's broken arm. He had done it. "Sehun didn't read the article. Hell, he didn't even remember he had put it in his pocket after Suho gave it to him. And you know why?" The answer was spat with dejection. "Because he wanted you to tell him. He didn't want to betray you. But look." A bitter laugh emanated from his throat. "Now he paid the price for trying to please a jerk like you!" And on this note, Beakhyun left the room, spinning around in anger and slamming the door with hatred. Leaving a crestfallen Luhan. "Xiumin?" He called with a pleading voice his 6 years old personality. Nothing. "Xiumin?!" His voice was shaking as his hands gripping the paper were he could read it clearly: "12 years old boy found in the forest with the corpse of his dead bestfriend. " "Xiumin, please come out." But there was no answer from the little boy. *** Chanyeol had just finished applying the plaster on his bruised arm when a pissed off Baekhyun flew inside of the room, ears fuming from all the anger: "Stupid! Stupid Luhan!" He imediatly caught Sehun's attention. "But I'm even more stupid!" He slowly walked toward his boyfriend's and buried himself against his warm and appeasing chest. Chanyeol patted him on the head tenderly. "I did something stupid, Sehun..." He whined in a tiny voice filled with remorse. But he didn't have to mention what. Sehun sprang out of his chair and rushed out of the room. His arm was still throbbing in pain but he didn't care. Luhan was awake and Baekhyun had probably did something unecessary to him. And this could be bad. He flew inside of his patient's room and was met with a frightening sight. Luhan was standing neer the window, slamming his head repeatedly into it with force. A small trick of blood was sliding down his temple as some skin had been ripped off because of the impacts. "Xiumin... Why don't you come out?" Luhan's voice was mournful. He banged his forehead once again against the window, but this time, it didn't hurt. His skull had met with something warm and soft, something familiar. He looked up and saw it. Where this calming feeling came from. A palm. Sehun's palm. Sehun had put his hand so Luhan wouldn't hurt himself further. Delicately, the latter took the hand in his own and inspected it. Then he saw. The knuckles of the fingers were red and bruised, small pearls of blood escaping from the skin. Sehun hurt his hand protecting Luhan. But a feeling of guilt and self-disgust choked him when he saw it. The plaster. And all this was Luhan's doing. Unable to take in anything more, he fell on his knees, air struggling to reach his lungs. The paper he had been holding all along was getting even more crumpled under his grab. He saw Sehun kneeling in front of him but he winced when he noticed the injured hand reaching toward him: "Don't touch me! Don't come near me anymore." He cried out. "You'll end up hurt." A shiver ran down his spine when Sehun's hand ended on his shoulder: "No I won't. I know you wouldn't hurt me." His tone was low and convinced. But Luhan shook his head: "I would! I already did!" He blurted, though his throat was so tight he felt it burn with the lack of air. "No Luhan, it wasn't you." Sehun continued drawing soothing circles on the boy's back, bringing him even closer to him, into his arms. "It was." His breathing was raspy, his voice as faint as a sigh. "And I'll hurt you even more! As I hurt Minseok !" "You didn't hurt him. You didn't, Luhan. It wasn't you." The tormented man was now completely in his arms, resting his bleeding forehead on Sehun's shoulder. "He died because of me." He closed his eyes as memories were flashing in his mind. He had to get it off his chest, to phrase everything in words and spit it out so it might stop haunting him. So he unleashed everything to Sehun: Suddenly he felt warm and soft hands cupping his cheeks and wiping off the salty tears running down his flushed face. His body shivered at the touch. He couldn't let this perfect person touch him. Not anymore. Not when he was this dirty. He couldn't let the other get dirty with him. So he looked up, locking gaze with the orange - haired boy and backed away breaking the contact. Min Seok looked worried: "Lu - ge..." He whispered, extending his hand back toward the broken boy. But Luhan's body stiffened as he slapped the hand away, shutting his eyes not to see the pain on his friends facial features: "Don't! Go away! Don't touch me! Don't talk to me and don't come near me anymore! I'm dirty, so dirty. You shouldn't even look at me!" His voice broke, pearls of sadness streaming down his cheeks endlessly. He could still feel his mother's dirty touches on his body, he could still smell the dirty ual odor filling the room and he could still hear his mother's dirty moans and dirty words as she was riding him, her own son. He cringed at the memory. But despite looking again and again, Minseok couldn't comprehend what Luhan was referring to. Dirt? He couldn't see any. Contrairwise. All he could see was a gorgeous boy whose heart was aching. And seeing that boy's heart ache, ached Minseok's one too. This boy was someone who never deserved feeling this kind of pain. This gorgeous boy was everything far from dirty. In his eyes, he was perfect. Suddenly, Luhan felt something warm and soft pressed against his lips. He opened his eyes only to meet Minseok's closed ones. And identify Minseok's lips pressed against his. However, as fast as it happened, it also ended, the orange - haired boy breaking the kiss, a serious pout taking place on his lips: "Lu - ge..." He pronounced in a deep tone. Luhan parted his lips, wanting to say something but Minseok wasn't allowing it. "Lu - ge, don't say anything. Never. I never want to hear you say anything like that. You're not dirty. Someone stained you. But you just need to wipe it off" He brushed an other tear, this time with a kiss, leaving Luhan breathless. Minseok drowned in his friend gaze, attempting to read his reaction toward his show of affection. But he couldn't see any. Pain washed his face as he felt somehow rejected, but he quickly faked a smile. Luhan was more important. No matter if he didn't share his feelings, he couldn't lose him because of meaningless and not-returned feelings. All of a sudden, he felt a weak tug on the hem of his shirt as he was pulled forward. Smooth lips brushed his slightly parted-in-shock ones. Luhan had kissed him. The latter hung his head low, not daring to look at his friend in the eyes. He murmured something under his breath. It was a faint sound, but Minseok caught it. He could always catch what Luhan would say, no matter what. His eyes widened when he understood what the boy had said. "So can you wash them off for me?" He looked down at Luhan whose face was a burning crimson. Minseok chuckled in merriment as he wrapped carefully his fingers around his friend's shoulders, pulling him closer. Luhan closed his eyes, giving himself to his savior. And Minsoek peppered soft kisses on his angel's lips on and on, never getting tired of it. They were lying on the grass, bodies pressed against each other, Minseok holding tight onto Luhan's waist, brushing smoothing circles onto his back with his other hand, humming an unknown melody to the sleeping boy curled against him. A fresh breeze was blowing but Minseok wasn't cold. Luhan was keeping him warm. Love was keeping him warm. He leaned in, his lips brushing his lover's ear: "I love you, Lu - ge. " The latter felt a warm breath brushing his ear, and the soft voice reached him, the sweet words warming up his insides unconditionally. He leaned into Minseok even more, burying his face into the latter's chest. He wasn't able to return those words immediately, but he knew he would soon. Well that was what he thought. "You son of a ! That's where you were hiding! You bastard! " The husky growl - like voice startled both of the boys, their eyes flying open. But they didn't even have the time to react when Luhan felt an acute pain striking him in the ribs. His father was kicking him. The tiny victim could feel the pain spreading in his back and stomach as his spawner kept on hitting him. Minseok was watching the scene in horror, his whole body frozen at the shock and the fear. He could see them. The tears coming from Luhan's eyes. He could feel it again. The pain. The ache. Everything Luhan had already experimented and everything Minseok fought to erase. He could see his lover fall into pieces before his eyes. The old man grabbed his son by the neck, preventing the air from finding the boy's lungs. Luhan felt a hot liquid filling his mouth. A sudden cough ejected it and Minsoek saw. Luhan was coughing blood. His own blood. That's when Minseok's senses came back and he rushed toward the elder, shoving him aside with all his body. The man was caught in surprise and stumbled aside. That was all it took for Minseok to rush to Luhan and cover him this his body, sheltering him from the hits. After that, everything became a blur for the orange head. He could hear screams from their harasser. But he couldn't understand what he was saying. Probably swearing. Pain was so fierce he felt his body go numb. He knew he was still getting beaten, but he couldn't feel a thing anymore as the pain was already too excruciating. All he could feel was Luhan's small pushes against his chest as he was struggling to escape from Minsoek's shield. And all he could hear was his lovers sobs and whispers: "M- ah, stop it. Stop. Xiumin..." Minsoek's eyes widened for the last time as red string escaped out of his mouth, slowly sliding down his chin: "Lu-" Blackness. "You piece of , you thought I wouldn't hit you just because you're not my son! Well that's for you! Everything my son loves, I despite!" He then shoved the unconscious boy's body aside with a last kick in the ribs, revealing a sobbing Luhan. He was covered in blood. His blood. But not only. It was mostly Minseok's blood. His terrified gaze met his satisfied father's one. The latter smirked: "Thank your friend, I'm too tired to finish things with you. But we'll settle them latter. Go home now, your of a mother is waiting for you. She probably didn't get enough ing with you this morning." On this note, he left the two boys still on the grass. But the green color had been replaced by a bloody crimson. Luhan didn't go home. He was carrying his friend's limp body on his back. Mwasn't moving, aside from his chest's ineffective attempts to rise. "Come on, Minsoek! Listen to me, don't waver! I'll bring you to the doctor, you have to stay alive, please!" Luhan was shouting, running as fast as he could, his bare feet bleeding. The injured boy's heartbeat was getting weaker and weaker by the second, almost non-existant. "Please Xiumin, I beg you! I..." His throat was dry from running and crying but he had to talk to Minseok, he had to tell him. "Minseok... I love you too." He cried out. "So don't leave me! Don't abandon me!" But the body on his back stopped breathing, Minsoek's hand slid aside, stiff. There was no more heartbeat. And Luhan thought his had stopped too. Everything around him had stopped at this moment. Minseok was gone, and Luhan with it. Only Xiumin remained. When Luhan stopped talking, Sehun found himself at a loss of words. What could he say now? Luhan had told him everything he wanted to know, but Sehun wasn't feeling content. How could he? Despite all he had imagined, he never thought the Chinese boy had gone through this kind of hell. But now, everything made sense. Each and every fear Luhan had shown had an explanation. A sudden light push extracted the psychiatrist from his thinking and Luhan was no longer in his arms. The small trembling being hunched himself under the bed, back turned to the other, and Sehun heard his breath-like voice pleading: "Leave me alone." So he did. *** "They say Luhan was found in the forest under a chestnut tree near the village he lived in. He was unconscious, starving and dehydrated. He also suffered from hypothermia. Beside him was a boy's corpse. He was dead since four days ago. And Luhan was holding him in his arms. Some witnesses say Luhan was mumbling something ceaselessly. Something sounding like 'Xiumin'. That dead boy was Kim Minsoek." Something broke inside of Sehun. He had came to Suho to hear his version of the story. It was the same, without the details. Everything suddenly made sense. Why Luhan had created Xiumin, why he longed for the chestnut tree so much and why Luhan would appear when they were under it. Simply, why he was acting this way. He felt guilty. He thought Minsoek's death was his fault. So Luhan decided to disappear so Xiumin could take his place. Xiumin, the still innocent 6 years old boy Luhan had met. "It's a terrible story. " Suho sighed. "What about the parents?" Sehun was almost trembling with anger. At least he hoped they had been punished for their sins. "The mother apparently committed suicide two days after Luhan's disappearance. The father was already at the last stage of a liver cancer due to alcoholism