The Heiress

Description

"There was only one thing that Ji Won can conclude- somebody was after her." --> could conclude

Foreword

"She still can't pinpoint exactly where she heard that voice" --> She still couldn't pinpoint

The grammar is very good, but as shown above, sometimes you would switch to present tense when you write descriptions.

There are also some odd wordings. For example:

"They already had attacked her sisters" --> They had already attacked her sisters

The way you had it wasn't wrong, but it didn't flow as well.

"I know you're just here." --> I know you're here.

I see that you have a beta and I'm not sure if she has already looked over the fic, because these are small problems that can be easily fixed, but too many of them can be distracting to the reader.

Chapter 1

It's a good introduction to the characters. I can already feel the special bond between Ji Won and Shin Hye. It's also interesting that you hinted at the monarchy rising again.

I'm not sure what I feel about Han Groo though. She really does seem a little crazy haha, but I don't think what she saw was a dream.

Chapter 2

This was in the previous chapter as well, but I don't really like all the Korean romanizations. These chapters are more light hearted, but I feel that using phrases such as "arasso" and "ne unnie" lower the professionalism of the fic. It's okay to use Korean for words that don't really have English equivalents (ex: unnie), but try to use English if you can ex: ("okay" instead of "arasso). It's just a personal preference, but I know a lot of people get annoyed because of it.

What happened between Woo Bin and Ji Won? I was thinking that their banter was so cute but then . . . 

"A lot has happened ever since that you might have not known. I am still me. I just changed my armor to protect myself better. The armor of old Ji Won is nothing but just an empty shell. I’ve learned to choose the people who I’m giving the right to hurt me."

This was beautifully said, but it doesn't feel natural for someone to say outloud, unless Ji Won is also a writer. Good advice that I was given was to remember that even if you are a good writer, that doesn't mean your characters are as well. 

I like how you have already showed many sides of Ji Won, making her a complex and interesting character.

Chapter 3

“Sometimes I want to deny you as my younger sister. We don’t look alike and our personalities are so different. You’re outgoing and loud and sarcastic and thinks superior of herself while I’m just quiet, polite, kind and humble.”

OMGGGG. I feel bad because I don't know who the Heiress is supposed to be, but I really wonder when they'll find out.

"They say that death is the is the absence of life but Ji Won knew death better. Death had always been a part of us but it waits for the perfect time to strike. "

Wow, this is very well said.

WHAT IS THAT ENDING. WHAT IS HAPPENING OMG

Okay, I really enjoyed reading this story. It's still early, so there isn't much development, but the characterization is already really good. I know how each person is and I mostly know their relationships with each other. Stuff is happening and I'm really curious as to how it will turn out. Your writing style is nice too. I like the way you describe things. Basically, there's nothing for me to say except the past/present tense issue and the Korean words.

p.s. I also love the poster~

Thank you for wating for so long!

I hope this review helped. Please comment and credit ^_^