The sunlight was blinding, disturbing my peaceful sleep. I could no longer stay wonderfully oblivious to the facts. Last night seemed like a dream, but it wasn't. It was real. All too real. A real nightmare. 

I stirred lightly, remembering that moving too much might end these blissful moments of ignorance prematurely. I wanted to move, the light was too bright and everything was hot and sticky. But the cause of it halted my movements. You. If I moved you would wake up. And so the dream would end. Something I couldn't yet allow to happen. I just needed a bit more time.

I needed to allow myself to realize that everything I so desperately tried to cling to the night before wasn't real, it wouldn't be real and it never had been. A sobering truth. One I needed time to accept. One you wouldn't even need to acknowledge because you wouldn't remember what you did. You weren't sober, far from it, that much had been obvious, was all the more obvious now the darkness no longer covered all the lies I told myself.  

Everything you said, it was all contaminated. It wasn't true. It wasn't you speaking. It was the alcohol I had tasted on your tongue. Of course I had tried to ignore it, but I could no longer lie to myself. Of course. Why would it be true? I wished it was. I had wished for it for so long I had grasped at it the moment it was uttered to me, trying to take it for truth even though within me, even last night, I knew it wasn't true. 

You stirred in your sleep, forcing me to notice, warm, sweaty skin on my own, effectively breaking the dam inside me holding back the guilt, allowing it to wash over me. How could I have allowed this? How could I do this to you? I hadn't stopped you from doing this to yourself. I knowingly let this happen. I felt disgusted with myself. Pathetic. How could I have done this? How could I have put my selfish wishes before you?

Even as I felt my stomach turn uncomfortably, my chest filling with a tight sensation, I didn't move. That only made me feel sicker. Even now I was unable to break through and stop this madness, erase the lies and acknowledge the truth. The truth that you didn't love me. No matter what you had said last night. No matter what you had done. What we had done. I wanted to stay in the illusion just a little bit longer. And that disgusted me. 

Maybe it was karma that finally shook you awake moments later, your eyes fluttering open, squinting at the light hitting your face, probably giving me just a few more seconds before you would see. Before you knew what had happened. Before you would jump out of bed, perhaps slap me, punch me. I honestly wanted you to, because I deserved it. I deserved worse than that. 

Our eyes met as you froze in position, still pressed against me, arm still draped over my waist. You looked dazed, utterly blank, confused. It would only take a few more seconds before you knew. And I would see it in your eyes, I would see the rejection and it would shatter me. So I looked away, like the coward I was and always had been. Even though I knew I deserved to be broken, I hid away. 

Silence wrapped around us like a deafening blanket, ringing in my ears, pulling at my heart as I felt the moment approach, unable to stop it from coming, yet unable to face it. I didn't know what you were thinking, not yet. I could only imagine the hurt you would feel as you realized that I, your so-called best friend, had betrayed your trust in such a horrible way. That I hadn't protected you, I had taken advantage of you. And as selfish as I was, that I hurt you in such a way hurt me more than the inevitable rejection did. 

"Good morning." Came your voice, immediately catching my attention, our eyes locking once more. I couldn't read your expression. I wanted to, I desperately wanted to. I wanted to see how angry you were, how betrayed, how hurt. I needed to, so I could keep that with me as a reminder of what I did. So I would never do this to you again. So I could start to make up for it, though I had no idea how I would ever begin to. 

I stayed silent, pressure that wasn't you pushing on my chest. The whirlwind of emotions was tearing at my heart, causing me to hold my breath, my eyes b with tears and I felt even more revolting. That I dared to cry when I was far from the victim here. I was the predator that used your moment of weakness to finally get what I want. That didn't stop you when you drunkenly babbled to me, told me things that I knew couldn't be true, yet I believed them. Why? Because it was easy. It had been easy at the time. But now it was harder than I could handle.

"What's wrong?" You asked, your eyes widening, bringing your hand up to touch my cheek, something I forced myself not to respond to, as much as I wanted to move in to your touch. I couldn't allow you to do this, to cover for me, to protect me after I didn't protect you. I needed to pull the remainders of myself together, toughen up and take responsibility. No matter how much it hurt, I couldn't allow you to hurt instead. Even if it would kill me.

"I'm so sorry." I choked on my words, a strained sob forcing its way out of my throat. I shook my head. No, I couldn't cry. I had to be strong, even if I wasn't. I would be this time. For you. Because you needed me to, as I had always needed you to be. It was my turn to protect you, like I hadn't done last night. 

"Why?" You replied in a small voice, drawing my attention to you. Why? You were still covering for me. But why? I wanted to ask you the same question. Chaos filling my mind. Nothing made sense any more. I was panicking. My head filled with static as I only stared at you, unable to comprehend why you wouldn't stop protecting me, no matter what I had done to you. We stayed still, for just a few seconds, everything was quiet, until the silence was finally broken by a strangled sob.

You were crying. Tears streamed down your face. My mind went blank. This was it. I caused this. And even though I knew that, I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my arms around you tightly, pulling you into my embrace, holding you close, as if I was scared you would break into a million pieces if I let you go. But that wasn't why. It was because I couldn't stand your pain and knowing I was the cause. And I couldn't stand the thought that you would leave and never come back, even if I couldn't blame you for it.

"I'm so sorry." It was all I could utter as I held you against me, not wanting you to escape just yet. I would let you go, but not now. Not like this. I needed time. But there was none. And soon you pulled back, forcing me to loosen my embrace. And I let you go, because that was the right thing to do. It had been the whole time. And now I had to actually do it. 

"It's not your fault." You replied, wiping the tears from your cheeks, something I so desperately wanted to, but I couldn't. I couldn't touch you any more, I had to stop myself. You were so fragile to me at this moment. For the first time I felt like I could break you with the smallest touch. For the first time ever you weren't strong. And finally I was the one protecting you. I had to keep pushing. No matter how much I hated it. I had to keep going.

"It is. I allowed this to happen. I should have stopped you." I spoke my mind but I felt it wasn't enough. No words could explain the horrible pain in my chest, the horrible tightening that gripped my chest at the thought of causing any kind of pain to you. Nothing could express the hatred I felt towards myself for what I did to you. That I had finally done enough to make you cry. Something I had never achieved before. Something I had never even seen the result of before.

"It's okay." You paused, forcing a smile so painful, so strangled, setting my insides on fire, crushing my heart. "It's not your fault you.." You stopped, your breath catching before you bit your lip, eyes closing tightly as you trembled. It took everything I had to stop myself from breaking my promise to myself not to touch you now. No more. Never again. I had caused enough damage. Your quivering lips told me that without having to speak.

"It is my fault. Please... Don't protect me any more. Not after I hurt you." I muttered, locking my gaze upon you, witnessing the blur of emotions sweeping through you as you shivered, your eyes opening again, meeting mine, their twinkle seeming to have left them. It didn't even make me feel anything. It just made me feel empty. 

"No, Seulgi. You had to hurt me. I need this. I need to know. So tell me." You spoke, a sad, bitter form of determination pulling at your features. "Tell me. I need to hear it." You continued. You wanted me to break you. You wanted me to give you that final push that would make you go, that would leave me alone with my broken heart. And I had to give it to you. 

"I love you." The words rolled off my tongue. Those words I had spoken to you before, but not like this. Not in such a way. Never with this meaning, at least not as far as you knew. You had always smiled in response, told me you loved me too. Not this time. Instead your face scrunched up, a light, powerless shove following to my shoulder.

"No. You don't." The words sounded like they ripped themselves through your throat. They ripped through me, pulling me apart on the inside. Not because of what they said. Because of the hurt they conveyed. The pain I caused because you were right. I didn't love you. If I loved you I would never have done this to you. I loved you, but not in the right way. If I had loved you right I would have protected you. 

"I love you, Wendy. I'm so sorry." I repeated, even though I didn't want to hurt you more, you had requested me to. I needed to keep it up. I had to keep tearing at myself and at you. Tear out all the strings connecting us that were latched deep within us. Someone had to, because we couldn't go on any more. Not like this. Not after what happened. Not after what I did.

"Don't lie to me." You snapped, anger and hurt filling your voice, the emotions being carried to my chest by it. I looked away, unable to face the damage I had caused. After all I was still a weakling. And I always would be. "Don't give me hope." What?

"Hope?" My gaze snapped back to you, studying your features, that beautiful face I always saw in my dreams. "What--?" I was about to continue, but another shove came, this time harder, making me wince. It hurt, but I knew it was nowhere near what you were feeling. It didn't even hurt the way I was hurting inside. It was nothing. But not to you.

"Don't you dare lie to me after you break my heart, Seulgi. Say it. Say you don't love me!" The volume of your voice increased gradually. I was shocked, not necessarily by the sound but by what you were saying. I didn't understand. "I swear to god, Seulgi. I'll never forgive myself if you don't tell me right now that you don't love me. That I forced myself on you and that you don't love me." You continued in a pained tone, refusing to break eye contact with me.

"But--" I started, everything that had just happened rushing through my head. It didn't make sense. It wasn't like this. It was different. It was the other way around. It was. The realization hit me. "I love you, Wendy. I really do." I spoke again, telling you the truth. A truth you didn't accept, as proven by the strangled cry you let out as you sent another blow at my shoulder, which was starting to become sore.

"Stop it!" You cried out, burying your face in my neck, your tears hitting my skin, running down onto the bed. "Tell me the truth!" Another muffled cry came, forced against my skin, I felt your face contort in pain as you pressed closer to me.

"It is the truth. I love you. I really love you." I spoke, needing to be sure. I needed to be honest. "I let last night happen because I love you. I wanted it for so long. When you confessed, I wanted to believe it but you were drunk--" I babbled, laying all my thoughts out for you to see. That was until you pulled out of my embrace roughly, staring at me.

"You.. you wanted it?" Tears in your eyes, you spoke to me after a small silence. "Seulgi, I wasn't lying." No. That's impossible. "I... I wasn't drunk." I was about to stop you but you continued. "Listen to me. I was tipsy but I wasn't drunk. I know what I said." My heart felt like it had just stopped.

"I love you, Seulgi. I really do." I stayed quiet after you spoke those words. They didn't seem to reach me. My mind was trying to process them but I just couldn't believe it. Everything was spinning in my head, until, finally, it came to a halt. 

It wasn't a dream. I hadn't been dreaming last night. I hadn't been dreaming when I woke up next to you. I wasn't dreaming now. And you had just told me something that shook me to my very core. 

"I love you too, Wendy. So much. I--" I managed to utter before I was interrupted again, but not by any sound. Not this time. No shoves either, though my sore shoulder took a hit as you pressed against me, lips on mine, kissing them with all the emotions I too felt.

In that moment, I knew I loved you and you loved me.

In that moment, everything was a dream.

In that moment, I knew I was wide awake.