“All great beginnings start in the dark, when the moon greets you to a new day at midnight.”
― Shannon L. Alder

Luhan sat thinking about what he did.  He filed for contract termination.  He  contacted Hankyul lawfirm, who also represented Hangeng and Kris, and did the deed. 

He knew many people would feel betrayed and disappointed by his departure, especially his fellow members and fans.  After all, he was one of the most popular Exo members. 

Sitting on the hotel room bed still wearing his black suit, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter and lit up.  One drag was all it took for him to feel instantly relaxed.  He had never smoked while he was in Exo because there were too many risks. Now, with the ties almost cut, he felt a great sense of freedom to just do what he felt like doing. 

Freedom was a feeling he couldn't comprehend while enveloped in the Kpop universe.  Toxic memories seeped into his head about the worst parts of being a Chinese idol in Korea.  It was hard out in public.  Fans would find him no matter what.  Going out was like a soldier preparing for battle.  The airports were the worst.  The security almost always failed in protecting them.  His face contorted remembering the few times he felt crazed fans touch his .  He also fell down numerous times.  He never knew what could happen in airports and frequently had anxiety attacks before going inside them. While in public, Luhan constantly feared being trampled and suffocated in some kind of stampede.  He shuddered at the thought and looked down at his feet.

The main reason for leaving Exo was because Exo-m was valued less than Exo-k.  All the SM staffs knew it, but no one ever said anything.  Luhan had had brief conversations with the other members, especially Kris and Chen about it, but nothing ever changed.  Exo-m didn't get the same opportunities and financing that Exo-k got.  Luhan's body had also taken a toll.  While in Exo, he was constantly sleeping and eating at irregular times.  He got daily headaches and intestinal problems.  He tolerated it, but since Exo's popularity only increased, so did the health issues.  It got to the point where he thought it was a bit ridiculous if he didn't change something.  He knew he was going to be hated for it but honestly he couldn't care less. 

The other reason for leaving was that he rarely saw his family who lived in Beijing.  It was easier for Korean members since their families were closer in Korea.  He loved his parents so much because they had always supported his dreams of becoming a singer.  They had even let him go to Korea for University and he knew that not many Chinese parents would allow their children to do that.  Sometimes he would think about his family and just break down in the bathroom.  

The actual worst times for Exo were the promotional periods.  They were Hell on Earth.  He first felt like leaving during the 'Overdose' promotions.  Exo's new hit was so popular that Exo had back-to-back concerts and schedules, which exhausted him.  Since Exo is the most popular group at the moment, they were invited to a multitude of variety shows.  Luhan somewhat liked the programs because they were a miniscule break from the harsh environment that is SM Entertainment.  He could relax during the shows and just stick to the script.  They even got to eat fried chicken and other prohibited foods during them.  Luhan knew he was weak.  He just couldn't be as strong as the others.  He looked down at his feet once again and sighed.  If his parents knew his feelings...they would be so disappointed.  Weakness wasn't exactly tolerated well in Asia.

Exo's life is pretty simple to sum up.  Wake up in the dorm, eat, put on outfit, make-up and hair, practice singing/dancing, go on a variety show, practice more, go to the airport, perform, etc.  Fame is definitely not as glamorous as it seems.  After awhile, Luhan got tired of the discomfort. 

With each event, the make-up piled on to conceal their tired faces. He chuckled as he remembered one of the coordinoonas.  She was 36 years old and had always been concerned for him.  She knew how tough it was for him and always tried to do his make up quick so he could have extra time to sleep.  Coordinoonas also had it tough.  They had to constantly follow idols day and night to do and re-do their make up and hair. Lots of times they would quit within in the first few months.  They were also constantly monitored by managers because of the threat of a romantic relationship between them and the idols.  SM made a habit of hiring ugly coordinoonas for that matter.  The noonas were actually very important to Exo especially during concerts.  They had a motherly feel and would help the boys in whichever way they could.  Luhan recalled the countless times the noonas fanned them and give them water when there were breaks in the performances.  Sickness in Exo was overlooked.  If a member had a cold they were still expected to perform.  Unless they were literally vomiting or dying, they would still have to perform.  It's not like SM had scary men to force them on stage, it was just an expectation that no one failed to reach.  Luhan understood the reasons, but with each day it became more unsettling to him. 

Each minute he was locked in Exo, he felt less and less human and more and more robot.  Senior idols had taught them that this was a normal feeling and it was what they had to do in order to succeed as celebrities.  Kiss up to the camera and sacrifice. Sacrifice everything. Sacrifice their relationships. Sacrifice their former lives, their former selves. Sacrifice their bodies. Sacrifice their feelings.  Lu Han, a boy born and raised in Haidian, China with a strong passion for music was shaped into Luhan, the Chinese one who joined a Korean boy band, a perfected and sterile image of his former self.  But who was to blame?  He was.  He was the one who had unstoppable dreams of being a singer.  He was the one who chose to leave China, his home for Yonsei University. He was the one who accepted to be a trainee at SM.  And, in the end, he was the one who left. 

He got up and started to pace his room, lighting another cigarette.  He didn't do it for the money.  The stalker fans (and other fans) were living proof that Luhan would be famous no matter what happened.  He knew he had quite a lot of support and money that came along with it.  He wasn't a greedy Chinese.  Yes, there are many greedy Chinese, but there are also many benevolent Chinese.  He thought of his first time going to America.  He thought it would be like the Hollywood films.  But it is just like any other place.  Stereotypes are as ridiculous as they sound.

Deep inside, Luhan really felt like he was a good person.   Someone that did things purely and simply.  He followed his heart.  But he did not know his heart would lead him into a trap.  

It was a huge mess, but he did not regret his decision.  In fact, he took it as a life lesson.  He would learn from his mistakes.  He got up from the bed and stretched. He felt his back crack.  He opened the door to the balcony and stepped into the slightly chilly moonlight soaked night. He checked his watch. 12:05. Midnight. He looked across the city expanse of Seoul with tired eyes.  He explored the cityscape of tiny rectangles of light.  He looked down and saw the endless stream of cars like blood running to a heart.  He looked to the left and saw a rectangle that caught his eye.  It was an advertisement for Exo's upcoming MAMA performance.  He looked over the faces one by one and nostalgia filled him like warm milk.  He really did love s.  At first it was scary and awkward, other trainees only knew Luhan as “the cute Beijing boy”, but soon it changed for the better after a couple months.  He was a friendly and open person, so people quickly warmed up to him.

He remembered the first time he met a certain someone. It was the first dayof training and he was a brand new SM trainee.  He was placed in the international dorm with other non-Koreans mostly from Japan, China and America.  Some were nice, but quite a few were jealous and overly competitive. 

When he passed his auditions, SM representatives told him his rankings. His best skills were singing, Korean, and Chinese.  His 'need to improve' skills were English, dancing, and acting.  He really wanted to improve his dancing so he went to dance training a lot.  The first time he was in the dance room he tried to get to know everyone. After going around and introducing himself, he noticed one guy dancing by himself in a small separate practice room.  Luhan watched in awe from afar until the guy was finished.  He was really good!  Luhan was outgoing so he immediately greeted the guy.  He learned that his name was Minseok. 

Minseok was really nice to Luhan and helped him with his dancing.  They got even closer when it was revealed that they would debut in a group together.  Both of them had worked incredibly hard but Luhan thought the biggest attribute of their success was their support of each other throughout trainee life.  Being a trainee was tough, but being an idol is harder. And for Luhan, it only got more difficult.

Luhan took one last look at the eleven glowing faces and his eyes rested on himself.  He was wearing his signature small, innocent smile.  His eyes were big and glassy.  His skin was white and flawless.  Luhan didn't know how to feel about the photos.  He looked good and all, but something was missing.  Was the feeling missing?  He shook his head. He was overthinking.  But everyone saw this Luhan and loved this Luhan.  Luhan of Exo. What made him famous.  What will people think of him now?

He was confused.  The path of life was becoming quite hilly.  He was afraid, but the unknown was something he needed to get used to.  This lawsuit would be a huge turning point and all he could do was hope for the best and trudge through it. 

He checked his watch again. 1:14. He sighed and went back into the room.  He peeled off his suit, laid it down gingerly and went into the shower.  The warm water felt euphoric as always.  Showers had always been a favorite time for him.  And yes, he did sing in the shower, but he did so softly and quietly.  He started to hum a Chinese song that his mother sang to him when he was little.  His mother had a beautiful singing voice (he probably inherited it) and he realized that he could not remember the last time he heard his mother sing. 

He felt a tear roll down his cheek and mix with the shower water.  Shakily, he turned off the water and got out.  He wiped the mirror with a towel until he saw his reflection.  He looked at his bare face and brown hair. Although others told him differently, he always thought brown hair suited him best. 

He inspected his face, which had in fact been tweaked by a surgeon's knife. It was only a chin implant and nose filler.  Most idols did more.  Almost every idol did it, only to increase their popularity.  Looks very important within the industry and Luhan wondered if they may become more important than talent. 

He decided to not ponder on that topic, putting on lotion, and brushing his teeth.  Sleepwear included firetruck red boxer shorts and a white tee.  He climbed into bed and got snuggly before checking his phone.  There were a few missed calls from SM representatives. He ignored them. 

In reality he didn't use his phone that much. It was just an accessory for most idols.  Phone hacking was a regular occurence, so idols rarely put things on it.  He only used his iPhone for calls and a few apps, like Instagram.  He would not return the calls from SM because his lawyer told him to only contact them when he gave Luhan instructions.  Luhan regretted the fact that he knew close to nothing about laws or contract nullification.  After all, he was just an entertainer.  He only knew that contract nullification existed and he was desperate enough to try.  His lawyer was naturally very supportive and helped release some of Luhan's stress.  He had reassured Luhan that he had a solid case.  Luhan sat up and grabbed a pill bottle from the bed table.  He emptied one white, oblong pill into his hand, took a drink of water, and swallowed it.  He couldn't forget to take his anxiety medicine.  A doctor he saw recently had also prescribed medicine for his insomnia and intestinal problems. 

The injuries weren't terrible but they were always there, little reminders of what life as a Kpop idol did to people.  He sighed once again and hugged pillows to his face.  Years of experience with stress had taught him to accept things for what they are and move on without thinking too much.  It wasn't exactly helping at the moment.  He threw the pillows in frustration in front of the bed and picked up his phone.

He had a longing.  Someone he could trust and talk about anything with.  He had already spoken to his family earlier that day, but he was practically his brother (from another mother).  He scrolled through contacts until he found the name he was looking for.  He softly touched the name and called.

*****

Hi everyone~

Thank you for taking the time to read my fic.  This is my first time writing so advice and ideas are greatly welcomed!  Luhan is such beautiful soul so I want to write a nonfic about him though some of this is fiction (I don't know everything about his actual life okay?(I am no sasaeng) :P) I will try to update as much as possible but I'm totally unsure of where this story is going soooo..we shall see. XOXO

taebaby_luhoney

I EDITED (8/31/15) because there were many things I was unhappy about,so it's better now!