Knowing hyukjae was the best 15 years of my life. Never have I once regretted knowing him. He added wonderful colors to my world i never knew that existed in my plain life. All I can say is that, I am more than thankful to know you, My best friend.

 
When I first saw hyukjae (even though I joined the company a year later), I already felt the connections between me and him. it was like a magnet that was dragging both our minds together, how it kept telling me that we both have something things in common and we must be friends. We have many things in similar. Taste of music, Dance steps, Colors and brands. Everything. Hyukjae was into popping for awhile and he loved to listen to songs that have guitar chords in it, Which surprisingly was my type of music as well.

Hyukjae was also a social butterfly. Everyone was his friend and I actually envied him for being able to make friends that quick with someone who he barely knows, which is of course one of my weakness. Hyukjae always made me comfortable around him and others which eventually led to me making friends, Thanks to him. That was when I thought that I wanted to be closer to him. I had to. I wanted to be able to share my deep secrets, crazy hobbies, play soccer together, or even rant about childish movies with him. 

Hyukjae was a very charming man, even before he debuted. He was a different person when he is dancing up on the stage with his moves as flawless as his face. But he was a very caring, fragile, naive, sweet and a great friend off stage. We used to be separated by classes when we were trainees back then and hyukjae was always in the first class(i was in the second class so i was not that bad myself). It took me awhile to realize how cute hyukjae was when he smiled. He, however falls for pranks very easily. Like how someone pranked him and said he can't eat sweets cause he was too old to do so, He ended up crying, which was really hard me to see. I wanted to be by his side at that time. At that time, he had crazily styled almost punk-like hair; Or more like we both had crazily styled punk-like hair that looked just like the manga characters of naruto because it was 2005. Even then hyukjae's smile was, How should I put it, 

Breath-taking I could say.

it was nice to see. The sides of his eyes has these soft natural wrinkles that were always there when he smiles or laughs. He has a beautiful smile that can light up the whole world on Christmas. Then came the time when we were like the nails on our finger; inseparable. We were best friends and I learnt a lot about hyukjae. His favorite colors were Beige, Black, Grey and white, He had a huge thing for strawberry milk(Especially the ones in the cute little bottles, He used to collect them. But not anymore), he loves sausages and ramen which he had a weird way of eating(He calls himself the ramen expert. It still cracks me up when I remember the smug look on his face) and he dislikes seafood. But he still went with me to eat steamboat when I once asked him out and he told me after that that he didn't like seafood. I felt so bad at that time but was also happy that Hyukjae came just for me. We went for a late night snack at a street stall. Those times were great. 

At this time, Junsu also became my best friend. Junsu was a funny guy and we three used to hang out together. Hyukjae and junsu were from the same high school and they were best friends since they were very young. I was actually jealous of junsu at some point of time. Hyukjae was always the happiest when he was with the latter. Not like he was not with me but I was just being childish. But of course, I shouldn't be selfish and he knew him longer than he knew me anyway.

I depended on hyukjae a lot as I know that, He was always there for me, to support me like a pillar through my difficulties, carry my off the ground when reality pushes me so hard. I want him to be the first to know about my anger, sadness and happiness.

But I guess I depended on him a little too much.

Or maybe way too much.

I remember how happy I was when the company finally decided to debut us in one group. I have always known teukie hyung and he was close to both me and hyukjae. I was so happy to know that, I will be with hyukjae through out the whole career time. Slowly we began to know each and every member of SJ.

it was actually the next year itself when we made a comeback. Each and everyone of us worked so hard for this comeback and when we performed the next day on stage after the MV was released, everyone broke down in tears when we went back to the room, including me and hyukjae. We cried while hugging each other, mumbling in between sobs about how hard we worked for this and our dreams have finally been achieved.

I felt the emotions. I knew how it felt.

We all worked so hard for this. I saw how hard hyukjae always worked. How hyukjae always lied about going back home but he always practiced a few hours extra hours as our comeback was near. I saw everything. I remember how proud I was of my best friend. I was proud of myself as well. I finally made my father's dreams come true. 

Then the hardest part came.

My father passed away and that was the hardest time of my entire life. My father was more than that to me. He was my best friend. One that i could tell my the problems i face without any hesitation. He always knew me so well and we were so close to each other. I did not see him for a long time as I was preparing for our debut and regretted it so much. I couldn't bear to leave him just yet. it impacted me greatly that I had to be hospitalized for a few days for not eating and suffered from malnutrition. I couldn't sleep for days as I cried till there was no tears left.

it was painful.

But hyukjae was always by my side. I locked everyone out of my room including Hyukjae but he was always at my bedroom's door step, seating down and his silent pleas which I still remember vividly. He asked me to let him in and share my pain and misery with him and not to bottle all of them up by myself. I remembered that clearly like it happened yesterday. I was behind the door the entire time, listening to his sniffles and that was when I realize, I can never find a best friend like him anywhere else. I saw my father in him, and i did not want to lose him.

the ending of 2009, Where we became well known, was also the year when we lost a member from our group. it did affect us as well but we did not show it out. We still keep in touch with Hangeng as we are still friends. I do miss him till now. The agency was the one at fault and not us. Our friendship is still strong. We were all so happy to see how we gained so much of popularity all around the world. 

in 2010, We were all familiar with being an idol and well, A little manly I can say. We made a comeback with 4jib, Bonamana. Sorry sorry era was a great push to our popularity and we became well known worldwide. Bonamana was a song that was catchy and had fast and quick dance steps and hyukjae and I always had to stay a little longer to practice our dance break part before we went to the dorm. During this period of time, I knew more about hyukjae actually. He absolutely hated to see messy things around. He had to clean those up or else he will go mad(Neat freak, i know. But then again, he was also the member of our group who had terrible foot odour that smelled like fermented soybeans) . He also had a thing for fashion and he bought himself a wardrobe just so that he can keep all his clothes.I also saw how hyukjae trained his body for this comeback (which I also did) and his body was well framed with mucles and his abs were like washboard(i don't know how he did that, We went to the same gym for god's sake). 

And then I realized something that I didn't all along till that one fine day. 

This hyukjae I knew at that time was, Different. I mean, He is still the cheesy hyukjae I know. Still as dumb and stupid as usual and always makes funny comments but this hyukjae was more, Handsome.

His eyes were the same almond eyes but he realized that hyukjae actually had a natural fade black line(which actually were caused by his lower lashes that were all close together) on his lower lid that made it look like he has his waterline drawn on all the time. Hyukjae had strong eyebrows and his cheekbones were actually pretty high. His nose was sharp in an attractive way but the tip was cutely rounded(kind of reminds me of bogus and he always glares at me when I tell him that), And his jaw line. Gosh, his jaw line. It is so well defined and sharp that I might get a paper cut if I ran my fingers along it. His lips still does look the same but they tend to get dry easily but I don't know how does it still remain pink forever.

Then I realized what I was thinking. I was actually looking at my friend the exact same way I will look at any women. it scared me so much and I was in denial. I was actually scared to know that I actually looked way too deep into his features than I am suppose to. I always told myself that I would never like him in another way. I couldn't. I reassured myself