The soft tick of the clock sounded deafening in the silent room. The curtains were pulled back, revealing a grey sky shrouding the world in a grey layer as if someone had put a filter over the lenses of the man's eyes and extracted all of the vivid details from the scenery beyond the glass window panes. Everything was fuzzy, a film that didn't seem to go away regardless of how many times he blinked his eyes. His tears ducts had dried out days ago, long after the wooden casket had been lowered into the ground and the wind whisked snow into the procession's hair. 

Sad, tired eyes eyes swept over the landscape once more, taking in every detail, searching for the color he had begun to crave. But they couldn't find any, nothing to indicate that there was life in the world anymore and the cold fingers of denial clenched harder at him, dragging him under with a vice like grip. Everything was drab, devoid of any brilliance that he had once associated with life. There was a switch somewhere in the back of his mind and it had been flipped, turning it all dark and desolate. There was no meaning left. None. 

Luhan swallowed bitterly as his form slumped back into the overly stuffed arm chair, the one that Minseok had to beg him for relentlessly because it didn't match the house. It still smelled of him, carrying that delicious cologne that Luhan loved and made his mouth water along with the earthy tones of purity that had always just been Minseok. The ache in his chest had stopped, it was no longer there because when they had said their goodbyes at the graveside, Luhan had left his heart behind. There was just a cavity of emptiness that slowly began to fill with the chill of winter, but the man didn't mind. He felt he deserved it. That he should have been the one in the ground. 

If I hadn't...

There was the bitter taste of regret in his mouth before he cut off the thought. A rustling sound broke him out of his own mind which seemed impossible to do lately. His thoughts were filled with the past, dipping and weaving through gold tinted memories. That was all he had left, the memories. But memories didn't keep you warm at night, memories didn't laugh at you for burning breakfast, memories didn't fill the voids that begin to grow in your very core. No. Memories weren't what Luhan needed, but they would have to suffice for the rest of his life. 

Luhan sat up slightly, almost sloshing the tea that was in his hand. He had forgotten about it completely as his mind wandered. He was forgetting a lot of things recently, choosing to hide in the recesses of his mind. The tea had gone cold and the sky looked dimmer than before. Just exactly how long had he sat there? He would never know, not unless someone clarified it for him. But once the mug was set on the coffee table with a soft thud, Luhan stood up, making his way to the kitchen where the rustling had come from.

He expected to see Yixing there in all of his caring glory with bags of grocery, but instead a tall figure stood in his wake. Wufan had never been the one to come over, not during any of the shifts at least. It seemed some of his friends had taken it upon themselves to look after Luhan in shifts, making sure he didn't go off the deep end and off himself he assumed. Normally he would see Joonmyun, Yixing, Kyungsoo, or Sehun with their pitying gazes as they kept him company, none of them the faces he wanted to see, but accepted none the less. 

But to see Wufan standing in his kitchen, looking confused at a can of instant coffee and then up at his cabinets made him blink in surprise. It wasn't something he was expecting, but it wasn't unwelcome either. Wufan cared for him as an of his other friends did, but he knew that the taller male wasn't too great on comforting people. That's why he was confused. Stepping forward slowly, Luhan took the can of instant coffee out of his hand lightly to put it in the cabinet above the coffee maker, right next to container labeled y's Sugar in Minseok's scrawling hand writing.

Letting his eyes trace over the letter blankly, he felt the tears pressing at the corners of his eyes. Something so simple as that, just thinking that there would never be something written down by his better half ever again made the ducts that had shut down spring to life. That's why he had holed himself up in the living room, refusing to look anywhere besides the window as the colors faded more and more every day. So much in their home reminded him of Minseok and sometimes it was too much to bear. 

Leaning forward against the counter, his hands made their way into his hair and fisted at it as white hot tears spilled down his cheeks and his chest ached. Why couldn't he have torn out his heart and left it in the ground with Minseok? Why did he have the right to feel it pounding against his chest when Minseok didn't even breathe? It was cruel. It was unfair. This shouldn't have been their fate. It should have been opposite. It should have been Luhan in the car going to pick up the dry cleaning he had forgotten earlier that day. It should have been him careening off the icy road as a deer bolted out in front of his car. It should have been him. This all could have been avoided if he had just picked up his suit. The suit he wore to the funeral. 

The irony of it all still got to him. 

Uncontrollable sobs racked through his small frame and Luhan tried to make himself smaller as he lost himself in his misery. Never had he felt so alone in his life. He had lost his purpose. His heartbeat. His color. He had lost it all in one single instant and he would never get it back, no matter how much he wanted to. No matter how much he cried, no matter how much it hurt. Luhan felt as if his life was permanently shatted due to a stupid mistake. 

Luhan was so lost in his misery, he didn't hear Wufan drop a pack of fat cakes nor did he see the startled look on his face before it relaxed into the same weary, saddened expression all of his friends seemed to sport lately. Minseok's death had taken a toll on all of them, but none so hard as Luhan. They all had circles under their eyes, but no one else looked as though they would crumble at any moment. They all still had a light in their eyes, the colors in their world. It was only Luhan who took it so hard as he fell apart all over again in the kitchen, pathetic sobs forcing his muscles to tremble. 

Wufan was lost for a moment before he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the other to hold him up right. There had been no need for words until Luhan feebly spoke out a broken apology. Wufan looked down at the crumpled form, not stupid enough to think that Luhan was apologizing to him, no... he knew that he was speaking to Minseok and it made a small part of Wufan's heart curl in on itself. They all missed the happy man and the joy he would bring, but Luhan continued to place all the blame on himself. 

"It's not your fault Roo..." the leader muttered in his deep voice, the tone sending shocks through Luhan's mind as he tried to process it. "Things like this just happen. Stop blaming yourself for what was inevitable. It feels like it was too soon to us all, but it will be okay. Minseok wouldn't be happy to see you like this, you know that. He always made sure you smiled right? Because that's what he loved most, to see you happy. Don't deny him that pleasure Luhan, don't stop giving the world your smile because he's gone. He can still see it and I bet you he's probably bickering at you to stop this moping and live again, live enough for the both of you." 

The shorter male stood there, body trembling as waves upon waves of depression washed over him. Every memory that flitted through his mind came with echoing laughter that seemed to haunt him, taunt him with the past happiness he had. How could Wufan assume he could just stop feeling this way? But he knew... deep down he knew the younger had been right. That Minseok wouldn't approve of this. That he was probably angry at him for even allowing himself to get so miserable. He remembered those days where they would lay next to each other, curled around one another, talking in hushed tones as if anything above a whisper would break their contented atmosphere. 

"You're still Carl, I don't care what you say. You'd be a grumpy old man without me..." Luhan stated, confidence evident in his tone. 

Minseok knew his boyfriend was most likely right. That he would become bitter and cold without Luhan beside him. "I know... though I would hate to think of my world without you in it. A place without your smile is just emptiness to me." The elder reached out and smoothed back a blond lock, the gaze in his eyes caring and soft. 

"You're so silly Baozi. You'll never have to be without it. I'm your color remember? I can't rob you of that. I have to keep you happy. So I'll always smile so long as you're there for me to smile at." 

There was a pause, a moment caught in space and time as Minseok looked him over in contemplation. "Even without me there, be sure to smile. Everyone deserves to have their world colored by you." 

At that time Luhan had never fathomed that he would be the one left behind, but it was as if Minseok had known. Luhan had always planned to take his leave first because he had realized that there would be no point for him without his better half. He had always said he was the color in Minseok's life, that he made everything brighter for him, but it wasn't until much later that he realized how wrong he was. Minseok had painted his world in vivid blues and dazzling reds. He had sprinkled his dreams in golden dust and filled his mornings with brilliant white light. And he would fight to find that color again no matter the cost.