Maybe before I dwell into my whole story I should provide a bit more of a background.

Like I said before, I am Dianah. Currently studying nursing away from my family, I live in a dormitory on the University campus. 

Second year of study and it has been fun but challenging. I see some first year students and it reminds me of myself just last year... every fun and unforgettable memory glued to my mind.

I have a bunch of very close friends who live with me in this dormitory. I also live in here with my cousin so I always have her to talk to when I'm feeling homesick or stressed. As it can all seem, I'm a very ordinary person with a very ordinary life. And to be honest, I don't actually expect this truth to change dramatically anyway.

You may think by now that I'm leaving something out because I've titled both chapters so far with a 'him'. Who is this 'him' do you wonder? It's not like I'm purposely trying to cover him up as a secret or anything but to this day, I still can't let my feelings decide what sort of relationship we have. 

There is a close friend I have at my dorm (and yes, he's a male while the other circle of friends I've talked about are females). I'm not really someone who has an excess of male friends if I may say for the least because throughout my childhood I've only ever spent time with girls. So yes, it's weird that I suddenly have this close confidant next to me. My friends used to tease me about him because sometimes we go to places together without them. And honestly, it used to be annoying as hell but at some point, I've grown used to it and it even makes me feel a little warm inside.

He's got such a warm and truthful heart and I'm seriously struggling to describe him. Oh yes and maybe give him a name too... let's say William. I think I first saw him around without realising who he was apart from the fact that he is in the year above me. Nothing really registered of course and I just continued living without a second thought. Then one day I saw a poster stuck up on the noticeboard of someone sellling an iphone 5. Well I do need a new phone and the deal was pretty decent so I proceeded to text this person named William. My enquiry was to ask if it's still available and he replied that it was and that he was in his room now if I wanted to check it out. So off I went really. His door was left ajar (now that I think back maybe he did that on purpose so I could find it... but anyway..) and I tentatively knocked. The door opened and William was standing in the doorway, casually dressed and seemingly shocked that I was his mysterious buyer. He welcomed me in and after inspecting the product I paid him and left. Nothing special really happened in the first encounter I think but it left a deep impression on me. I don't even know why.

Weeks passed and when we walked past each other we started giving nods at first and then smiling once in a while. It was nothing but to me, this senior was acknowledging me and it made me feel weird and expectant. One day I was sitting in the dining room and he came to sit down next to me. I was absolutely shocked out of my wits and after saying an awkward 'hi' just sat there hoping I could eat faster. WHY WAS I SO SCARED I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY. Honestly, in retrospect, I admit my heart started racing. But why? We've had one conversation and a few awkward waves and this is what my heart is doing to me. I simply concluded that it was due to my lack of exposure to the other gender and it was perfectly explainable. At this meal, William made polite conversation and even asked me if the iPhone was working well. He was with his other second year friends and I felt too shy to make an actual conversation. After politely excusing myself and running back to my room, I lay on my bed for nearly 30 minutes wondering what the hell was wrong with me. 

A few days later I got a text from him and he had attached a user manual for my phone. This is when we started texting each other and using social media as a way of communicating. Personally, I could express myself a lot better on my phone than in real life because I didn't act all flustered and he wouldn't be able to detect any source of anxiety from my texts... but I could see how this was a problem also because real communcation is when the person is standing in front of you and you are actually having real eye contact with them. This is where I think our current society has run into a hole. Even for someone like me who feels extremely strongly about maintaining real life relationships, I had fallen into the trap of social media. 

Despite knowing him a lot better, when I saw him in real life I felt awkward and nervous as ever. I can pick him out from a crowd of 20 people, I can recognise his back view and his voice. At this stage I really questioned myself. Dianah,.. do you like him? I feel weird typing this out right now actually because our relationship one year later is still as ambiguous as ever. We've started hanging out more at night after lectures and going for walks and visiting each other's rooms. I feel super comfortable with him now and he's one of my closest friends. Despite being like this though, I have realised that we don't openly show our friendliness with each other when there are other people around. Sometimes I wonder why this is because nothing has happened between us that is not normal between two normal friends. What are we scared of? Who will judge anyway? Everytime something happy or sad happens to me, his name comes to my head first and I just want to tell him about it. Sometimes, I can sit there and read his texts over and over, smiling to myself like a hopeless idiot. I'm no expert in love so I have no idea what my behaviour is telling me. It just gets so confusing.

And one thing I ask myself is how does he feel about me? If you classify me as shy, man, he is the quiet type. Sometimes I don't know what he's thinking. I guess a few things have happened but I have yet to decipher it.. maybe that's all for today.